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Needs an explanation for EVERY joke and what's happening every two minutes.
I watched The Lives of Others at the Muswell Hill Odeon - fucking hell. Every single time anything in the film required even a slight emotional response from the audience, some tit with horn-rimmed glasses and crossed legs piped up with an ostentatious gasp or inappropriate laugh.
Had people laughing continuously throughout Tokyo Story at my local 'art house' cinema last week.
HA HA HA THE JAPANESE IN THE 50S ARE JUST LIKE US REALLY!!! HA HA HA
NFT and Nottingham Broadway are always *full* of this lot.
There is no subtext in Buster Keaton falling on his arse. Stop it.
...it's more of a chin-strokey "Churchill Dog" style "Yeshyeshyesh" during each pratfall. Twats.
who forcedly laugh at everything that's even the slightest bit non-serious, and tend to say things out loud like "a-ha, brilliant!" or "marvellous!" or even clap at scenes in the middle of the movie, as if you give a shit about their desperate attempts to show they get it.
We're opening a dangerous can of worms here, where we are now encouraged to rapidly vet all incoming stimulus for whether it's:
b) Funny enough to laugh at in cinema
c) Funny enough to laugh at in art cinema
I already got stung with this near the start of A Serious Man. The bit where the fat weed dealer kid runs after the guy's ginger son. I thought it was a homage to Terminator 2 and did a heavily inappropriate guffaw - my only guffaw to date. Things could have turned ugly if I wasn't black.
I laughed. Typically dry Coen brothers humour.
who only stayed for adverts? That was a bit weird.
(i've actually encountered this)
He had taken a girl to see the film and was nervously showing off by telling her what was about to happen each time a new scene started. Berk.
the best audience is no audience.
I seem to keep encountering big groups of WI members insisting on chatting, and cackling like fishwives, all the way through...
Tickets are cheaper during the day too.
Gladiators: the movie
*life of reily*
are only watching the film cos the one they wanted to see is sold-out. I went to see 44 inch chest yesterday, Avatar 3D had sold out, as was the only film on at the same sort of time. Hence it being full of people who didn't care. One bloke stood up about twenty minutes in, and with a "this is shit" stormed out. Everyone seemed to be chatting, and not really paying attention. Most annoying.
Miles better than I expected. It's VERY hammy, particularly John Hurt, but it's not bad. Quite strange in places.
I Enjoyed it much more than Up In the Air, and Armoured that I saw yesterday as wel,l anyway.
catch up with me in a restuarant afterwards and throw acid in my face...
I run the risk of bleachy face everytime
Most screenings are generally OK that I go to, really.
At my local arthouse cinema in Norwich you're allowed to bring in wine to the screening, so it's almost like a middle class dinner party which happens to have a film projected during it.
I was there at a Sunday evening screening of "Withnail and I" and everyone was pissed off their gourd. Would have been annoying if I hadn't seen it ten times before.
though I've got a real hatred of people who turn up once the film's actually started. They're usually in a group of about 8, and they'll spend what feels like ages doing an impression of a gang of meerkats, standing on tiptoes and stretching their necks looking for empty seats.
everytime he appeared on screen, I hope others didn't get this' Thankfully the Odean got them out fairly sharpish.
just as you've been lulled into thinking your going have plenty of space and your coat can stay on the seat next to you.
Bit anti-social and old man-ish. I saw this old guy at the BFI draping his coat across the next chair, and looked pretty grumpy when a group tried to get by him. I could almost imagine his grumpy internal dialogue.
eat at home or in a restaurant you fucking scum!
I once made a thread about it and came under heavy fire http://drownedinsound.com/community/boards/social/4162297
not even the trailers, the adverts!
Young children at the cinema annoy me. Even at kids films.
but otherwise not so good al.
he reckoned the whole audience stood up and applauded at the end. Hmm. Cracking film regardless
although my biggest annoyance is probably people who feel the need to eat the noisiest foods possible, especially during quiet scenes. It's been said many times before, but why people insist on only ever eating popcorn while watching films baffles me.
The older I get the more irritated i get by folk eating in the cinema. Especially those who try and eat quietly at the quiet moment in the film, for whatever reason the quieter they try to be the more it amplifies in my head and i want to stamp on them.
I was at the ciname a few weeks back and this cunt sat in front (hey that rhymes) had about 4 packs on mini cheddars and everytime he finished one pack he would fold it up into a little triangle, i have never been so tempted in my life to kick someone in the back of the head.
Jesus this thread is stressing me out just reading it :)
I think it's because they slow down, so you end up hearing elongated crunches.
hence, i now refuse to go to the cinema with her....
Take in a lobster and a hammer.
People who sit next to you even though there are loads of empty seats about.
Anyone who claps in a cinema should be shot on sight. Slow-clapping can be allowed at personal discretion.
no emotion as if a judge has just told them they will serve three consecutive life sentences.
People who dont turn their phones off. And I mean OFF. Not on silent or vibrate. OFF. Your phone screen lighting up the room is as distracting as you making a call.
People who take 10 minutes deciding where to sit when the film's already started. Extra cunt points if you discuss where to sit with who you're with. Just sit down and shut up.
People who laugh at Orange Wednesdays adverts.
I am so anal when it comes to the cinema.
...those adverts are funny though...
Really fucks me off.
Especially talking as if they're in their living room. The number of times I had to tell a girl to shut up when I was watching 'Milk' because Sean Penn looked "So dishy" - SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETHE.
That is if getting on fine means no talking, no faffing about, no eating, no phones, no going in after the film has started, no fucking about looking for seats, no mid film chat, no fucking anything :)
was wearing a bluetooth headset with a blue neon light that flashed throughout the film.
this thread is like my brain when i am at the cinema. so many hates. so little time to get the words out.
I HATE IT WHEN ... actually, i was going to talk about when people (not children) kick your seat but then i came to the conclusion that it's just that I HATE IT WHEN the people who have absolutely no self-awareness or sense of consideration go the cinema. they are the crunchy scoffers, the seat kickers, the stage whisperers and the head bobbers. they are the phone beacons, the packet rustlers and the knowing laughers. they think, for some reason, that the cinema seat erects an impenetrable sound-proof booth around them (and their companion(s)) and that they can do anything inside it. the darkness must be partially to blame... and the increasingly higher head rests perhaps.
anyway. the cinema can be incredibly stressful and i suggest we all only ever attempt it drunk from now on.
maybe poetic ads
when I stand on my seat and scream 'The pictures! They're coming alive!' and dive under their chair whenever there's a shot of a train moving towards the camera
Tentative sub-thread: Worst film co-viewers
People who ask you questions concerning plot, character motivations, etc about a film which you are all watching for the first time.
1) My sister
2) My girlfriend
3) Christopher Alcxxk
One day I'm going to start carrying around ether rags for all of them.
not in the cinema, but it's bad enough on DVD. The worst one was Memento.
Her: (indecipherable whisper)
Me: *pretends not to notice the whisper*
Her: (indecipherable whisper)
Her: (longer indecipherable whisper)
Me: I can't hear you. Just watch the film.
[Two seconds later]Her: pssshhwhClooneypshwhwhhefired.
Me: Do I think George Clooney is about to get fired? I don't know! Watch the film and find out!
she even asks questions during eastenders, WHICH SHE WACTHES EVERY DAY AND I NEVER WATCH
And an ex I had was awful awful awful
"I'm guessing continuing to watch the film will provide the illumination you require"
but make smug statements showing that they have guessed the plotline/twist at the end and want you to record this fact
She must have got bored of that by now, surely?
He's normally great in films but clearly script and direction have a big hand in that.
Jesus fucking Christ.
To be fair, all three now do it purely because they know it gets on my wick. In fact, Alcxxk's best work was this exchange:
Ack: "What are you watching?"
Me: "Mad Men."
Ack: "Ah, that's shit."
Me: "How would you know? You've only seen about 10 minutes of that episode you saw me watching the other day!"
Ack: "Yeah, and it was shit."
-falling asleep. He's got a knack of doing this, regardless of the film, he'll have his eyes shut, snoring away or doing that weird head-jerking-i'm-not-really-asleep-but-fighting-to-stay-awake movement that makes it look like he's been electrocuted.
-massive guffawing laugh at an inappropriate time.
-shout "oh yeah, that's likely to happen!" when something, possibly not very likely, happens.
-constantly asking me the name of the actor on screen, then not believing me when I give the right answer, only to say about 10 minutes later: "OH THAT'S *insert name of actor I've already said.*"
When people don't know the name of the character they have a question about and so refer to them using the name of a character they have previously played... in a film you haven't seem, haven't heard of and it turns out they were never actually in anyway.
and if we don't answer her or tell her to wait and find out then she gets bored and goes to do something else.
the seats around me filled with a group of about 20 Australians in their early 20s. They behaved themselves impeccably throughout. The end.
That probably is the worst audience
I GET IT, YOU DIDN'T FIND IT SCARY.
When i say like minded i mean people who hate other people at the cinema :)
Two guys behind me kept answering the phones, and then ending the call at the precise moment I'd had enough before I could turn round and ask them to stop.
They then got up and walked out 30 second before the end of the film. You've been here for 2 hours, the monster is LITERALLY ABOUT TO EAT THEM. You've stayed this long, sit it out
I wait till films have been out a week or so, go in midweek. At the weekend I always go to the Cineworld at West India Quay because it's mostly deserted.
I like having popcorn, but I'll always wait for a loud moment to eat it. Made the mistake of buying some before The Road. Barely ate any - this couple sat right in front of us, and every time I tried to take some out the paper crupling echoed around the room. Just gave up.
scoff it all in the first 5 mins before the film actually starts.
When my hands are full on my way in
At the point where someone's had to pay £15+ for a ticket they tend to want to watch the fucking film.
This is true, unless you're Olegrich, Sparky or myself...
A big fuck off amazing SFX film deserves to be watched from the circle of the Odeon L. Sq. You only get one of those every few years though.
and the funniest thing in the film seemed to be when the pilot appeared on screen with his moustache, people were literally in hysterics.One guy beside me started laughing when a black guy started talking, there wasnt any humour involved in what he was saying whatsoever infact he was getting laid off in the scene.I hate watching films in my hometown, i really do.
That happened when i saw up in the air as well, don't get me wrong i am as happy as the next person to see sam elliot on screen but i didn't feel the need to fucking burst out laughing when he appeared. It was a tad odd.
like, proper, off the list, straight to hell cunt. no excuses.
i'm not sure what's worse though out of the blissfully unaware unwashed who just talk as if they're in the pub, or the painfully aware arthousers who want you to know that they've found something funny. tough call.
also, i think i almost gave myself a seizure once during 'let the right one in'...i internalized all the hate i had for the kids fucking around that i started to shake and my face went a bit numb.
one day i'm just gonna go fucking nuts at someone in the cinema, it'll be amazing. i almost wish i wasn't me so i could watch the dramaz from a safe objective viewpoint...
My gf has said to me before that she can see me snapping one day in the cinema.
just to start chanting 'cunt' right in their eye....or to dance around with your cock waving in their face....
i think once you reach that point and you aren't bothered about seeing the rest of the film you could just go nuts.
when i was at the cinema, me and a guy i worked with beat up a kid* because he and his mates had snuck in and started making loads of noise
*he beat the kid up...i just chased them down the fire escape and watched. pretty rad.
that is rad. Nice work, also nice work in getting me to use the word rad, its been about 18 years.
or generally whispy/pube-like hair.
sluuuuuuuuurrrrrrp at the end of megasize coca cola... i feel your sanctimonious eyes upon me and bask in the glory of pent up animosity.
I'm a child of a broken home.
Basically people, usually of advanced age, to be fair, who like to give a running commentary of the film either to themselves or their partner.
"Oh look, he fell over" "Oh, yes, he's going through a door".
I CAN FUCKING SEE THAT, IT'S ONLY ON THAT BLOODY GREAT BIG SCREEN IN FRONT OF US. SHUT UP.
Also, as mentioned, people who applaud at art cinemas. Our local one, when showing 'The Motorcycle Diaries' brought on a standing ovation at the end. My missus' friend who was there (who is otherwise your stereotypical Che-worshipping old school Trot type) shot up on his feet and shouted "FOOKIN HELL WHY ARE YOU CLAPPING, IT CAN'T FOOKIN HEAR YOU!". Ace.
stop coughing please
One time, at a 'Revenge of the Sith' screening, some bloke sitting in my aisle had a Blackberry (or similar) that constantly emitted a blinking blue light. He also pulled it out several times to check texts/messages etc. Halfway through the film I just snapped, and half leaned out of my seat:
Me: Hey, can you turn that fucking blue light off please
Him (this was his actual respsonse):.......Are you talking to me?
Me: Of course I am, no-one else is being inconsiderate! Turn it off, we're all trying to watch a film! Bugger off back to the office, why are you here?
He did put it away, and a couple of people even clapped which meant I felt fairly justified for also being a cunt and shouting out, but it worked.
One thing I would say is be wary you don't anger some unhinged brute who will "Wait for you outside" - cinemas are dark places! But, if you store your anger, at least your adrenalin might help you through any confrontations.
I normally find that if a film is good, I'm not really at all bothered by the audience because I don't notice them
apart from a small white-haired man with a ravaged face in an old suit who sat in the front row of 'Ed Gein' and laughed whenever someone got murdered (often)
when it's me laughing uncontrollably at something stupid when the cinema is deathly silent which happens a lot - enduring love/sorority row/the racist comedy value black character in final destination 4 (3D).
I dunno, when I went to Synecdoche at the LFF there were lots of people acting like they'd seen it before, laughing if it looked as though anything vaguely funny was about to happen. but you know, going to that kind of thing, i don't really expect people to be any different. it's a bit like going to a london suburb cinema on a saturday afternoon and not expecting there to be teenagers throwing stuff and making over-dramatic reaction noises.
mostly i hate it when people start snoring (all cinemas) or old ladies start talking (the rio) and exchanging biscuits or people try to commit frottage (nft).
where people knew all the lines and were shouting and throwing stuff at the screen because it's so bad, and you didn't even get to hear the famous bits.
it was really fun and anarchic but still a bit like MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE IF I HAVE TO GRIN ANYMORE. people should do that in all bad films - especially jason statham ones. it was weird going to see crank in a normal cinema. how come people never laugh at genuinely really bad films unless that's the whole point of screening a film (the room)?
I saw Crank 2 in the cinema and it was like an orgy of "DUDE! AWESOME!". I don't think I've ever high-fived that many complete strangers.
i hate watching any kids film with adults around. shrek is a good example, it's the kind of shitty film where now and again they'll slip in an innuendo or a joke the kids won't get and the adults have to HAHAHAHA. like, you wouldn't laugh at that in a normal film, why are you laughing now you utter dick.
perhaps the worst was when i went to see a double bill of pretty in pink/breakfast club at a cinema in chinatown. the audience was full of 30-something idiots who would laugh BEFORE something funny happened, it got to the point where people just wanted to be the first person to laugh. it really started to fuck me off when in the breakfast club the blonde athlete guy does his rant about his difficult home life and everybody in the cinema laughed. it wasn't funny, in fact it's like the one bit in the film when they get really serious. i just, felt so. much. rage.
people are awful
Your face. It is po.
people are the world.
leave early due to their own retardedness. i.e. when I saw Jarhead a small group left early bemoaning the lack of "action". fuuuck.
That's hot irony.
I'm just saying what we're all thinking...
and there was a guy sat two rows in front of me who was pretty tall, had a REALLY long head and sat bolt upright throughout the whole thing. I had to do the same to see the subtitles which his stupid head was blocking.
if you're a gentleman who is over 6' and if you've got a reasonably large head like myself, please shuffle down in your seat a bit. or sit on the edges. or just wait for the fucking DVD to come out.
Look, if you can't get them to shut the fuck up, don't bring them to the cinema, end of.
It was awful when I went to see Where The Wild Things Are, there were these two kids whose mother had no clue how to shut them up, and it was just ridiculously annoying. That really shouldn't have been advertised as a kids film (it wasn't) as they were clearly all bored, but still, shut the kids up, thanks.
Persepolis, a couple sat next to us unwrapping sweets from big crinkly bags. People were getting annoyed. After about twenty minutes I told them to stfu. People in front of us who had been tutting at the noise but didn't have the balls to say anything had the fucking nerve to turn round and tell me to be quiet
Withnail And I, loads of west end types sitting pre empting the lines
some Australian film with Gabriel Byrne in it, took a friend who sat and coughed every thirty seconds until he had the good grace to realise that everyone in the cinema, including me, wished death upon him and left after about half an hour
Trainspotting, drank eight pints of Grolsch before I went in, took a bottle of Merrydown and a bottle of Buckfast in with me and sat talking to my drunken friend during it. I wish I could find every other person who was there and give them a refund and the option of a free punch and my stupid fucking head
you're doing it wrong
I must say, that represents a level of hypocrisy in you that I'd previously suspected, but not noticed due to your highly evasive skill
Withnail & I is to be enjoyed with booze and yelling of overdone catchphrases
especially when i know them, it reflects badly on me. my parents kept doing the thing where they pretend to whisper but really just speak in a normal voice when we went to the cinema over christmas. they also ate about half of my personal pick n mix because they're dieting so didn't get anything for themselves. at the same time there was a woman with a young girl on the other side of me who kept commenting on everything that happened throughout the film in a similar non-whispery way. all of these things combined ruined the film, nay the entire day for me, when i got out of there i literally felt like crying because i'd lost so much of my faith in humanity (which was never that great to begin with) in such a short space of time.
ma and pa want some of your sweeties....woman with her daughter on their first trip to the cinema together....
'i literally felt like crying because i'd lost so much of my faith in humanity'.........pff.
i know your type
from the USA.
no noise, no fuss, no whooping, no clooping....it's enough to make a boy think they're better at it than us
Can I change my answer to brummies then?
You know how some people can roll their tongues and ducks quacks don't echo? Well brummies can't whisper. Seriously!
after reading all this.
I'm not allowed to...
laugh (knowingly or otherwise)
clap at the end
be a fat person
leave before the end
use a mobile under ANY circumstances
Disclaimer: I may have made some of these up.
Now, I try to be considerate at the cinema but if any of you are watching a film with me anytime soon let me know and I'll do everything in my power to infuriate you. Then you can all moan about it on here afterwards.
What is so important that it can't wait until the film is over?
why don't you go for a piss before the film starts?
why would you leave before the film ends when you've paid money to see it?
why would you need to ask questions if you don't do any of those things?
What if I don't need to go? or it's a long film and I'm drinking something (or is drinking not allowed either?)
What if it's unbareably shit? I've got a right to leave, my money.
I don't do any of these things usually, no. I don't make a conscience effort not to do any of these things though, I'm enough of an adult to treat cinematic experiences individually. Would you like a set of "hard and fast" rules written on the wall of all cinemas then?
This whole thread sounds pathetic. It feels like everyone needs to be tied to a chair with duct tape around their mouths.
really? cause if so, good on you, you're a better person than any of us.
people who talk, whisper, ask questions, laugh loudly at quiet moments, use a fucking mobile, eat really loudly, have big heads/massive hair, sit right in front of you when there's loads of empty seats, bring in babies. All of these people can fuck right off and wait for the dvd.
GOOD PEOPLE know what's right and what's not, and take issue with the things that are not right.
If someone is talking throughout a film then yes, annoying.
If someone is eating loudly with completely disregard for others then yes, annoying.
A lot of these things are bloody stupid though, like going to the effing toilet, the toilet!!!
if someone really can't enjoy a film without talking/texting/having toilet breaks/whatever, wait til it's out on dvd. it's not that fucking difficult to sit through a film that you've made an effort to go and see, and actually spend the time paying attention to it rather than diverting everyone else's attention.
I was sitting next to him in the Fast & The Furious and he was a shit
at a screening of Avatar in Holloway though that her baby would enjoy Cameron's visually spectacular, cliche ridden computer game. A FUCKING BABY - Who was crying all the way through, and she still didn't have the sense to leave the cinema.
also, on friday i realised that i frequently have a proper phobia of the cinema. which is annoying.
basically, i start to freak out a bit because i'm in an environment where i have to remain still and be close to people. it feels like everyone is looking at me. my face starts to go numb and my breathing gets shallow, it's quite disconcerting.
however, if i'm on the very back row, looking down on everyone else, or have a space i am happy with, i'm not nervous at all. only when i feel there are people behind me. odd. same for aeroplanes, packed trains, large open plan offices, weddings, bar mitzvahs, etc etc.
the last time i was in a tiny cinema that was sold-out, i thought i was going to have a stroke.
that my goal in life is to own my own independant cinema.
and there were people with a baby. A CRYING BABY. and they didn't even have the decency to take the baby out until it stopped crying. seriously, who takes a baby to the cinema? are you stupid?
i tutted loudly at them. yeah. passive aggressive forevs.
stupid fucking kids.