A little back story; Girl breaks up with another girl, but leaves her facebook logged in on the first girls computer. This morning, this message is sat in the inbox of every friend of hers:
***** ***** January 17 at 10:38am Reply
I just wanted to let you all know that **** has finally seen sense and broken up with me for good.
The catalyst for this stroke of genius on her part was my excellent decision not to come home last night but instead to let **** wake up to the cold light of 7.35am only to discover that I was missing. After frantically calling me, she discovered I was in the house of the woman for whom I had tried to break up with her last summer. I say ‘tried’, as this was a massive failure. The woman, A*** *****1, my former tutor, has not the slightest interest in me sexually or romantically. In fact she is straight. And married. Needless to say, on that occasion I slunk back with my tail between my legs. God knows why **** took me back – I am sure she now cannot fathom...
**** did break up with me a few months after this, but this was not in fact directly related to A*** ******1. This was more to do with the fact that my emotionally retarded, teenage brain is incapable of engaging in more than the most superficial of human relationships. In fact, doctors have discovered that I have a spasmodic reflex located in my mouth, which causes me to smile constantly at you all whilst I harbour deep resentment, bitterness and scorn towards the majority of you. That’s right. I am a massive fraud.
I am obviously a glutton for punishment. However, the pain it causes me to tell you all this is far less than the pain I have inflicted upon **** on a daily basis for the last 2 and a half years. This is because I am a sociopath. I have no feelings, as I have freely acknowledged to **** in the past. I have consistently let her down, whilst sucking the life and love out of her like a parasite. Luckily, she is not a sociopath and has therefore felt every iota of the pain this has caused her. Not that I enjoy flaunting my flagrant lack of respect for my former girlfriend - I am just too lazy to reciprocate love, generosity and consideration. It's much more fun to continue to act like a child, and thereby be excused from all the responsibilities of being adult.
Although I am not proud of this, I am pleased that now I can go back to my former days of being answerable to nobody and mistakenly confounding pathetic, self-induced suffering with some kind of intellectualism. I now intend to focus solely on my risibly derivative ‘art’, reading no more than the first few pages of worthy books, and cultivating a popular middle-class hypocrisy by trying to engage with trendy ‘East London’ types I have nothing in common with, whilst living of Daddy and Mummy’s money and ‘job hunting’.
So there you have it, I am now single. Would straight, preferably Russian, completely uninterested women please form a queue. Women with the name A***, please come to the front of the line so that you can reject me first. You know the drill.
I should warn you, though, that, in addition to my emotional failures, I also failed to satisfy **** sexually. It is likely that I have never and will never satisfy a woman sexually, since I regard sex as a kind of masturbatory exercise. But, hell, as long as I’m satisfied. One day I might learn that I am so unhappy and feel like my existence has no hope or meaning because I am so selfish. But, in all probability, I will just be this way for the rest of my life.