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a short story - comments wanted please

jiirtih [Edit] [Delete] 13 replies 21:41, 12 November '09

ok so i havent written anything for a while so im a bit rusty. started writing a short story and wondering where to take it. before anyone points it out, i know this isnt brilliant, i know im not a literary genius and i know that it features inane subject matter. any comments would be appreciated.

--

The bartender recited my change with military precision. Deploying the copper soldiers into my outstretched, eager palm, his voice flickered with faux-enthusiasm - but his acne populated face dripped with disinterest as he muttered his scripted pleasantry. I didn't really mind, as I had long before shifted my focus onto his forearm tattoo, with its sharp points wrapping and warping to escape the inky prison : a permanent, fleshy, name badge reading 'Brad'.

Why had I asked for lager again? I don't even hold much of a candle for the fizzy variety, never mind the tasteless vase of warm glow presented here. Perhaps my inexplicable request had stemmed from my inability to cope with the pressure of a quiet bar and an impatient barman - in those situations I am pre-programmed to stump for this generic offering, and of course 'Brad' was only too happy to oblige. Now, underwhelmed and having tardily processed the fact that I quite fancy a mojito, I looked on as he hastily married his dry towel to the moist marble surface, and did for a moment consider requesting an alternative...but eventually surrendered the notion: it wasn't Brad's fault, and after all, what power did he have if the bubbles refused to cooperate? He wasn't even a supervisor. Instead, I secured his sympathetic attention and bitterly began to swallow down my dead purchase in the most mournful manner I could reasonably portray considering my lack of acting ability.

As I theatrically choked down a no-doubt unhealthy swill of my flat treat I was quickly distracted by an angst-sodden group of teens entering stage left . The ringleader was roughly ten stone of problem child; a walking black mood housed under a Burberry roof, apparently thriving in this clammy climate which was now being increasingly poisoned by his tinny European trance ringtones. Striding quickly toward the bar, large feet crashing forth as though surfing on steel-toe capped Rockport waves, he boomed a hasty request for three pints of lager and I did wonder if the pressure had affected him too. Ordinarily, I would have offered him a review of my negative experience, but as he cast me a murderous look I thought better of it. "What you smirking at?", he grunted - and as the threat of a happy slapping shocked me out of my grumpy trance and back to an uneasy reality I concluded that I must've failed to hide my amusement at their antics (but as mentioned previously, acting isn't my strongpoint).

Shrugging and sinking into the familiar depths of my golden enemy I counted my blessings as the inquisitor turned away to review the status of his transaction. Ironically, my misplaced choice - our only common ground - had probably saved me. Imagine if I'd bought the mojito.

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  • ...

    jiirtih | 12 Nov '09, 23:20 | X
    • tl;dr!

      Mehodor @jiirtih | 12 Nov '09, 23:27 | X
  • ...

    http://www.superstock.com/stock-photos-images/1491R-1040137

    MirriLondon | 12 Nov '09, 23:37 | X
  • i hope that bin

    is full of jizz tissues??

    jiirtih | 12 Nov '09, 23:39 | X
  • re-read it, and take out as many words as you can without making it nonsense

    never use a large word when a simple one will do.

    youre not going to get many useful comments beyond stylistic ones rly. try here
    http://www.cracked.com/forums/forum/writers-readers

    how many other forums have you posted this to btw? any decent responses? or is this another users account?

    doodthatkicksarse | 12 Nov '09, 23:45 | X
    • Like dood said

      too many words in each sentance. It doesn't make me want to read the next line.

      whacksiddy @doodthatkicksarse | 12 Nov '09, 23:48 | X
  • Reads a bit like an incidental event in anyone's life ever

    peppered with confusing imagery, odd idioms, inappropriate and irrelevant similies and overcomplicated sentence construction. Peppered like a cheap pasta dish with near infinitesimal obsidian detritus by a mustachioed two-bit salivating wai-teur in an airport restaurant, the pieces forming a crap-circle on your budget meal of despair.

    See?

    yes_ | 12 Nov '09, 23:52 | X
    hellatronix this'd this
  • woah, this is way too full of adjectives

    You should read your writing aloud as much as you possibly can before going mad. I've done this all my life pretty much when it comes to important things and it really helps in judging the 'flow' (doesn't matter whether it's fiction or essays or letters).

    You describe far too much - angst-ridden teenagers? How do you know they're angst-ridden? Is that important?

    Is this part of a larger work or just something random you've written down?

    hellatronix | 12 Nov '09, 23:55 | X
    • also, maybe work out whether something is actually HAPPENING in the scene

      rather than just what's going on in the narrator's head.

      hellatronix @hellatronix | 12 Nov '09, 23:58 | X
      • yep

        its just something random i scribbled down. thanks for the comments, even the bad ones, they help.

        jiirtih @hellatronix | 13 Nov '09, 08:03 | X
    • ^This

      It's all too easy to pump adjective after adjective into your writing. Even when the descriptive words you choose are fantastic (especially when they're fantastic) they'll lose their impact if someone can't make it to the end of your sentences.

      Try writing it again without any and look at other ways you can get across what you're trying to say. It's a cliche but it's true... show, don't tell.

      umlaut_ampersand @hellatronix | 13 Nov '09, 09:34 | X
  • Brad handed me my pint and change. The achne-scarred barman

    was strangely alluring, his strong forearms and prominent tattoo stirred something deep inside me. I sat there feeling glum. All I wanted was a Mojito and for Brad to hold me in his firm, manly hands. A chav walked in and asked me what I was looking at. I turned away, burning with shame.

    abandonedhouseboat | 13 Nov '09, 10:23 | X
    • ^^ Much better

      the re-draft: in association with Twitter.

      On a serious note, thanks to everyone, i just looked through this post over a year later, and think my writing has improved since then.

      As you were.

      jiirtih @abandonedhouseboat | 28 Dec '10, 15:18 | X
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