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number four is down the road from me, in kingsbury. i was cycling there just the other week, bemoaning how fucking crap that cycle lane is to my brother. it doesn't get any better up the road, where it suddenly stops half way for no fucking reason.
The M1 walks into a pub, bustling and shoving people out of the way, slams a tarmac fist down on the bar and demands a pint of lager. "Lager now! I'm the hardest stretch of road there is and I want lager! I've got eight lanes, two rock hard shoulders, a tasty central reservation and more bridges than I know what to do with". "OK, mate", says the barman, "You're a big fella, no-one's disputing that and no-one wants any drama - one pint o' lager coming up". "'Bout time...". The M1 collects his pint and rumbles into a booth in the corner, muttering expletives and staring out the other patrons. Five minutes later, the A27 dual carriageway breezes in - "Evening Barman, I think I'll have a... "FUCK OFF!" screams the M1 from the corner of the bar, leaping up and approaching the bar. "Piss off, ye soft, narrow, southern gett - mekkin me sick.." The A27 beats a hasty retreat and rolls off down the street while the M1 returns to his booth, muttering darkly, cats eyes flaring. "Fuckin M1, me..."
Five minutes later a long thin strip of red tarmac wanders in and heads towards the bar. The barman starts to panic, expecting a major traffic incident. The other patrons edge towards the door but then they notice the M1 eyes down, shaking in the booth, fiddling with beer mats and chain smoking. The red strip orders a G&T, quaffs it neatly, "Cheers, guv", and heads out the door. Later, the barman's wandering round the bar collecting glasses and comes to the M1's table. "Thanks for not causing any bother there, mate - much appreciated". The sheepish-looking M1 says: "I'm not messin' with 'im, he's a fuckin' cycle path".
:D's all round!
well done :D
a man walks into a bar and asks the barman about the 3 peices of concrete drinking at a table.
"the red and the grey ones are alright, but watch out for green - he's a cycle path"
the A27? get real.
I never thought it was.
Jelly Baby is sitting at home when he gets a 'phone call from Bertie Bassett saying he'll meet him at eight for a drink in the Chocolate Frog.
"Not there" says Jelly Baby, "All of the other sweeties always pick on me"
"You'll be fine" says Bertie, "I'll look after you"
They've been there about five minutes when the Smartie Gang come in and start pushing Jelly Baby about, spilling his drink. Bertie immediately wades in and the head Smartie sends the Gang out sayng "Sorry Bertie, we didn't know he was with you"
About ten minutes later the Starburst Boys come in move sraight over to Jelly Baby stamping on his feet and slapping him around the head. Again Bertie jumps up and grabs the leader saying "Leave him ! He's with me" and they also leave.
Just before closing a solitary Tune walks in and goes straight to Jelly Baby and starts staring at him. Bertie says "I.m just going to get some fags" The Tune then drinks Jelly Babys' drink, knocks him to the floor and gives him a severe kicking. During all of this Bertie continues to study the cigarrette machine.
When at last the Tune leaves Bertie rushes over to Jelly Baby saying "are you OK?"
Jelly Baby looks up through bruised swollen eyes and says "I don't understand it Bertie, theres 15 in the Smartie Gang and you saw them off, theres 25 of the Starburst boys and you stood up to them, but 1 Tune and you just leave me"
Bertie looks shamefaced and says "Sorry mate, I'm not mesing with that one....................He's menthol"