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muscle ache, dizziness and cough......and stupid story to write.....any DiS Chat happening tonight? that'd be fun!
i've got stomach ache, need a shower but too tired to move, stupid essay to write. aargh.
Scene 1- Chris At The Pub
[Chris is sitting in the pub with two friends, Dan and Troy]
Troy: [eyeing up girl in corner of pub] I say fellows, why don’t we all get right greased up and go cherry that young lady in the corner!
Dan: Haha! I agree, Troy, juicy brown flesh-bags, alright!
Chris: I also think she’s very attractive.
Troy: Chris, I see you are in quite agreeable spirits tonight.
Chris: Certainly, Troy! Did I not tell you, I passed my lifeguard examination today, I’m going to be a lifeguard!
Troy: Ah, congratulations, Chris! I raise my glass to you! [he raises his glass]
Dan: I would do likewise Chris, but- haha! I fear I might spill my drink all over myself and you would be the only one around to save me from drowning!
Troy: Ha ha! Fewer worse fates could be imagined, I’m sure.
Chris: Aw, guys.
Dan: I jest, of course. A fine lifeguard, Chris! [he raises his glass]
Troy: The three friends!
Dan: 1… 2… 3! [raises glass]
[Troy and Chris also raise their glasses- the three clink glasses together and then guzzle the rest of each of their respective pints in one go]
Troy: To the bar, this man! Same again, Chris? Dan?
Dan: Yes, same.
Chris: Likewise, I’m drinking.
[Troy walks off to the bar]
Dan: [looks over at girl again] I agree with Troy, you know Chris. If we’re going to have any chance with that girl over there we’re going to need some oil alright.
Chris: A three-man job? You crazy dog.
Dan: Ah, well. Perhaps she can show us round some friends? If not there’s room for all of us to fit!
Chris: Certainly, she could support our needs all.
Dan: The more the merrier, Chris! The more the merrier. [slaps Chris on the back]
Chris: You’re a gamey fiend, Dan.
Dan: And you’re an agreeable sod! [grabs hold of Chris and kisses him full on the mouth in a rough and friendly manner]
Chris: Two wet slugs!
[Troy returns to the table carrying three pints]
Troy: Another fun day in Ancient Greece, eh lads?
Chris: Get out of here, Troy! We were simply discussing the best way to get inside that dark and fleshy young mare over there!
Troy: A plan of attack shall be formed in time, fellows. Though I resent many of the implications of that word, ‘attack’, but I know you two simps can only see such matters in those terms, no disrespect. For now, let us drink, relax, and converse as friends do. Where did you first know woman, Chris?
Chris: Why, a music room at my military school, Troy!
Troy: Do go on, Chris.
Chris: Her name was Gemma and she was in my artillery class… like most of the girls at my school, somewhat butch, yes, in manner, but soft and billowy undressed let me tell you! Curiously I had already known her in undress separate from the actual event of my deflowering by her, but she was not undressed at the time of said deflowering. Rather, it was the middle of the day, and we were trying to be discreet. But the room was empty save for us and she dragged me into it over the piano, where I thrust into her for some twenty or so seconds before it was all over. There were a number of other such encounters ongoing throughout the rest of the year but she had a boyfriend back home, so it never became a permanent thing. Oh well.
Troy: I detect some regret there, Chris!
Chris: Ah, not regret, no. More of a nostalgic sort of longing, you know. Beautiful days.
Dan: Beautiful school days.
Troy: Most certainly, Dan! Ah, I can remember when I first knew woman I was also at school, though I didn’t go to military school like you, Chris! I got into awful trouble for that and was suspended for three days and made to clean up the mess before serving my sentence into the bargain.
Troy: And yourself, Dan?
Dan: No, never at school, no. Though I still maintain that they were beautiful days nonetheless. For my part I lost my virginity aged 9, to a girl of 11, though it was quite by accident and neither of us were quite sure what had happened, or at least certainly I wasn’t even if she was. I had no further encounters for as many years again after that.
Chris: A hit with the ladies from the start, eh?
Troy: Yes, though this is only assuming he was in no way molested and we can laugh about this. How do you feel about the above mentioned encounter, Dan?
Dan: I’ve made my peace with it. In all generousness: laugh it up.
Troy: Haha! Then laugh we shall, Chris! World’s luckiest nine year-old or what, eh Chris?
Chris: A lucky nine year-old indeed! [clinks glasses with Troy]
Dan: Ha ha! My fellows! [throws his arms round both their shoulders and clenches them tight, then kisses them both, full-on]
Troy: You are awfully gay tonight in both senses, eh Dan?!
Dan: I’m just affectionate. Can’t a man be affectionate how he likes, huh Troy?
Troy: I should certainly hope he can!
Chris: This is only the first time for you Troy!
Troy: I agree, Chris. We’ll see how I feel about this after the second time.
Dan: Second time? What are you talking about? We’ve already had sex twice in the past!
[they all laugh]
Chris: You… two have… had sex?
Dan: I jest, of course.
Troy: Yes, Chris! Lord you do easily buy this sort of thing!
Chris: I’m just an innocent young lad.
Troy: That you most certainly are!
Chris: I am an innocent!
Troy: And what more can be said?
Chris: [looks over at girl] What more can be said is a plan to get into this lassy!
Dan: That’s the spirit, Chris! Innocent indeed.
Troy: It’s a special sort of innocence the boy Chris has.
Chris: Haha! Its so true that I am a boy and you are when put up and compared to me a man even though we are both the same age!
Troy: I’ve simply got a more experienced personality, Chris. I had a headstart. But let’s see if that translates into the arena of picking up this particular woman. Come, fellows. Let’s see which one of us she raises her eyebrows most at.
[the three young men line up just out of site of the young woman, who is, it should have been previously mentioned, just sitting alone having a quiet drink. They then take it in turns to walk across her eyeline. Troy goes first, walking in front of her, then back to his friends- the girl’s eyebrows raise a little]
Dan: Some definite eyebrow raisage.
Troy: Ha ha! Now you, Dan!
[Dan does the same- this time however the young woman’s eyebrows do not move]
Troy: Nothing for you, Dan!
Dan: Gah! Go on and get her for me, Chris!
[Chris walks in front of the girl. This time her eyebrows go practically haywire]
Troy: By god has she got it keen for Chris.
Dan: You win, Chris. We’ll be heading home.
Chris: No, no, fellows. Stay, stay.
Troy: Appreciate your welcoming, Chris, but you’ve got a babe to snag. Ta-ra.
Dan: Goodbye, Chris.
[Troy and Dan drink the rest of their pints very quickly and go home, Chris walks over to girl and sits down]
Chris: This seat taken?
Chris: Well… how convenient. Apparently I do things to your eyebrows, you see. Perhaps we should get to know each other. I’m Chris.
Girl: I’m Laura.
[Chris holds out his hand to shake but she does not shake it]
Chris: Would you like me to get you another drink?
Laura: No, I’m fine with this one thanks. [motions towards drink]
Chris: I also have a drink, but mine is beer, so its not really that much of a coincidence.
Laura: Mine is vodka and something. I think it is soda water, because they didn’t have any lemonade.
Chris: Oh, I see. How sad. Imagine, no lemonade! Whatever would we use all the lemons for? We’d practically be swamped with lemons, and it would all be because some sod had never invented lemonade! Well he’s a fool, certainly, for not having invented it.
Laura: He did invent it though.
Chris: Yes, yes I know but that’s not the point. Gosh the lumps that are your thighs are mightily something alluring, Laura!
Laura: Thankyou, Chris.
Chris: Would you mind awfully if I got better acquainted with them sometime, Laura?
Laura: I don’t know. I mean, I’ve only just met you.
Chris: That is true. Do you live here? Do you come here often?
Laura: I must say this is the first time I’ve been, though I do live around here. I have tried to make it my maxim to go out more, and this seemed like a good place to start. I’m planning on having quite a wild night out. The only problem is I don’t have any friends, so I’ll be partying alone.
Chris: That is sad. But it doesn’t have to be so!
Laura: For tonight, I think it does.
Chris: I’ll be your friend if you want, Laura.
Laura: I might like that, Chris. Maybe we could talk more sometime?
Chris: I have a phone, do you?
Chris: OK, let’s exchange numbers.
[the two get out there phones and perform an infra-red number exchange]
Chris: Ah, good. A good set of numbers. A zero, two sevens, and so much more!
Chris: You know I’m a lifeguard, now? Officially qualified and everything.
Laura: That’s good, Chris.
Scene 2- A Fateful Night Indeed… Chris Walks Like A Crab
[Chris is returning home from the pub. He is on his own but in high spirits after meeting Laura]
Chris: [singing] Oh I’ve got a girl in every port//Oslo, Bruges, Dublin, Huuu-uu-ull//And a little one in Amsterdam//Who likes to doooooooooo… an-al!!!!
[Chris does a little jig and spins around]
Chris: Ha ha! What a humorous song to on-the-spot compose! And now, I think, ambassador… to walk like a crab!
[Chris begins walking sideways, like a crab, giggling to himself, until suddenly he catches a glimpse of his father, Martin, out walking the family dog on the other side of the road. Martin notices Chris walking like a crab and seems very stern]
Chris: Oh shit! I mean, gosh! Can’t swear in front of my father…
[Martin crosses the road, looking very cross]
Martin: Just WHAT do you think you’re doing, oh spawn of my dear wife’s womb? Oh Chris? Oh fouler! Oh foul boy!
Chris: I- I can explain dad I-
Martin: You can explain NOTHING! And wipe that smirk off your face.
Chris: I wasn’t smirking I-
Martin: Insubordination! I won’t tolerate it. [sighs] You know… I’m really very disappointed in you Chris.
Chris: I’m sorry I can explain it was just-
Martin: [very, very disappointed- so much his voice sounds very blank and significant] You don’t need to explain, Chris. Walking like a crab. I wouldn’t even expect it of those fourteen year-old yobs who are always drinking cider up on the rec. I always thought you were a sensible lad, Chris. Well, I guess I was wrong. You’re lucky I don’t intend to tell your mother about this. It would only upset her.
[Martin walks off, leaving Chris standing there, stunned]
Scene 3- Chris In The Aftermath of The Crab-Walk
[Chris is in his room, having a heart-to-heart with his cat, Misty]
Chris: My dad was just so disappointed in me, Misty. I mean, I’ve never seen him like this before. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to win back his respect.
Chris: No, Misty. I don’t think it’s going to be that easy. This is big. I mean, I was walking like a crab. A crab, Misty. The most common and snippy of all God’s sea animals. Lord, how could I have been so stupid! [hits wall] I didn’t even think. Why didn’t I think?!?!
Chris: It’s true, Misty. Get in too high spirits for just a second, and then you suddenly make a mistake that you can never take back. I shouldn’t have let Troy and Dan go home, I should have made them stay and supervise me. No… no, I should have known myself to stop at the song.
Chris: That’s it, Misty! Yes, I’ll ask Troy and Dan what to do. I’m sure they’ve disappointed their own fathers all sorts of times before with shenanigans like walking like a crab. I’ll go and see them tomorrow Misty, aw. C’mere, puss!
[Misty and Chris share a tender hug, then Chris kisses Misty wide on the face]
Scene 4- Chris Seeks Counsel of Friends & Forms a Plan of Action
[Chris goes round to see his friends Troy and Dan, who are sat in a local park, in the rain]
Chris: Hi guys.
Troy: Ho, stranger.
Chris: Don’t you recognise me? It’s Chris.
Troy: Of course I recognise you, brother! Christ you can be slow on the uptake sometimes but I love you anyway, you great bear! [embraces Chris roughly]
Dan: Hi Chris.
Chris: Hi Dan.
Dan: How’s it going?
Chris: Not good, fellows.
Dan: How so, Chris?
Chris: My dad… caught me walking like a crab.
Troy: [suddenly grim] Like a… crab?
Dan: Shit, man.
Troy: What did he say?
Chris: He’s really disappointed in me. I haven’t seen him since, it was yesterday evening, when I was walking back from the pub. I had to slip out today, I didn’t want to catch his eye. I think he’s lost a lot of respect for me, after seeing me walk like a crab like that.
Troy: I can imagine so.
Dan: I remember once my dad caught me playing on some swings, you know when I was 18 and all. He’s not looked at me the same since. Shenanigans like that, they can really get to people, you know. I mean, how would you feel if you saw your dad walking around like a crab, or playing on some swings, that’d be awful wouldn’t it.
Troy: Too right, Dan. But I’d lay off the swings if I were you, they’d probably break.
Dan: You crack your own nuts-
Troy: And you’ll crack the swings? I know you will.
Dan: Shut up Troy.
Chris: I’m so disillusioned.
Troy: Oh, of course. Awfully sorry, Chris. We should be focusing on Chris’s problem, you know Dan.
Chris: Oh its not that guys, I understand. I just really hope my dad’ll ever forgive me. I just want to prove to him that I’m a sensible guy, you know.
Troy: Well, to be honest, that’s going to be difficult now, Chris.
Chris: Misty thought you’d know what to do best, you two. You are so much wiser than me though we are about the same age.
Troy: As we covered in the pub yesterday! Young Chrissy remembers!
Chris: I remember many things. I remember, for example, that eagles are one of the few wild animals that have never been observed eating their own young, as eagles are the least easily confused of all birds. If you have ever tried to confuse a bird, well it is much harder than confusing a dog for example, because they have shorter memories, but it can definitely be done. With eagles however it is not simply a matter of memory, or a lack of it. They are genuinely not inclined to be confused through their own merits.
Troy: Certainly, Chris. But that’s hardly a solution to the problem at hand.
Troy: What we need is a plan of action.
Troy: Well what it sounds like is you’ve got to prove to your dad that you’re sensible.
Troy: Just act sensibly all the time around him.
Dan: Make no mention of the incident either, and just go around in your most sensible clothes.
Troy: Say sensible things. Keep in line with your father and his worldview. You have military training, so this should be easy, even for you, Chris.
Chris: Yes, I’ll act every bit the soldier. Maybe I should wear my fatigues?
Troy: No, that’s no idea. Too fancy dress. Just a sensible shirt and sensible trousers will do, and maybe a well-fitting jumper and a tie, if you have such items handy.
Chris: Alas, I only have round-necked jumpers, so they would be no good.
Troy: Yes, the V is essential.
Dan: The V is clearly the superior neckline in all cases as it is.
Troy: Yes, particularly this.
Chris: So all is lost?
Troy: By no means! It is not essential. Just invest more in better-necked jumpers in future, that’s all.
Chris: This sounds like a plan. [gets out a notebook and begins writing this down] Could you go over this once more so I can get it down?
Troy: Much obliged, brother Chris!
[Troy talks, Chris writes]
Scene 5- An argument at the dinner table, and a decision is taken
[Chris is looking over his notes at the dinner table- his notes are in a childish scrawl such as an illiterate four year-old would write to give the impression of writing. Also at the table are his mother and his older sister, Katie. Chris puts the notebook away as his father enters. Chris is dressed in very sensible clothes and generally acting in a very sensible, upstanding manner indeed]
Chris: Greetings father!
[Chris’s father simply gives him an angry glance]
Martin: [to Chris’s mother] Curry tonight, eh Margaret?
Mother: Yes, I’m using the lamb left over from yesterday.
Martin: Mmmmm. Well, get serving, woman.
[Chris’s mother begins to dish up the dinner]
Mother: [after serving Chris] Is this enough for you, dear?
Chris: Yes, it is. Thankyou mother. [looking at Martin] As you will note, I am acting very sensibly tonight.
Mother: Yes, I did notice that tonight, Chris.
Martin: I care little of it.
Chris: [looks at notes under table] I am thinking of applying to go on an extra-curricular, skill-based course, such as a course to become a fencing instructor, or a lifeguard.
Martin: You already took lifeguard lessons. Whatever came of that, anyway?
Chris: I became a lifeguard.
Martin: And how many lives have you saved thus far?
Chris: So far, zero.
Martin: Just as I expected. Some lifeguard.
Martin: [looks at notebook, then looks back up and laughs a bit] I am taking your critical remarks with gentle good humour, father!
Martin: I don’t see why. [pointedly] You’d think a CRAB would be good in water!
Chris: Er… hahahahaha! Good one, sir!
Martin: Look at me cock-eyed again, and I’ll poke them out with this fork.
Chris: I am sensible.
Martin: Are you turd.
Mother: [seeking to change subject] Are you enjoying the curry, Katie?
Katie: Yes, mother. A fine brew of a curry. The things you can’t do with lamb!
Mother: I would wager counting them on a broken fork!
Katie: One day I hope to be an equally skilled lamber, to please my future husband and family.
Chris: Mother, I am also pleased!
Mother: Thankyou Chris.
Martin: Woman’s prattle. Not for a soldier to engage in.
Chris: You’re not a soldier either you know. You never even were one, you just wanted to be, you just work as a floor manager at a hardware store.
Martin: I’ll have none of that insubordination in my house, Chris!
Chris: Can’t you see that I’m trying to act sensibly for you? Can I never redeem my walking like a crab to you?!?!
Mother: [looking shocked] A crab? What is he talking about, Martin?
Martin: Your son’s a crab-walker, Margaret! I didn’t want to have to tell you that, but he, Lord Crab, o-forced me!
Mother: [intensely disappointed] Oh Chris.
Chris: [crying] I might as well just BECOME a crab! I hate you! [storms off and slams door behind him]
Scene 6- A short meeting with Misty
[Chris runs up to room and shuts door behind him, wiping no-longer-flowing tears from his face]
Chris: These were not rash words, Misty. A crab is what they see in me, well. A crab is what I’ll become.
Chris: Tell my mother that I love her, even if she thinks me but a crustacean now. I’m sure Katie will take good care of you when I’m gone to the see.
Misty: [sadly] Miaow-miaow.
Chris: I don’t want to leave you either, puss, but I must.
[Chris strokes Misty and sighs]
Chris: [getting into bed] Till daybreak, Misty, and the zoo.
[night falls- from his window, the moon smiles over Chris]
Scene 7- Advice From an Old Zookeeper
[Chris enters the zoo- a small, tumbledown room adjacent to a local leisure centre run by an old man who lives there and is dying from the cold emanating from the Arctic sea-life exhibit in one corner, where a single penguin flaps around in a colded-up paddling pool mirthlessly]
Chris: Excuse me? Hello? Is this the zoo?
Zookeeper: Yes, hello. Mind the zebra.
[Chris almost walks into a zebra, which gives a whinny, and a start]
Chris: Duly noted.
Zookeeper: Five pound entry, young man.
Chris: But I already did enter.
Zookeeper: Think of it, then, as five pounds if you want to stay.
Chris: Well that I would part with gladly! [reaches into pocket and takes out five pounds in a heavy assortment of loose change and hands it over to the zookeeper] I am, you see, shortly to have no need of wordly possessions whatsoever.
Zookeeper: Ah… so, like me, you are dying, then. [coughs three times]
Chris: No! Don’t be silly. Though I am sorry to hear about your immanent death. No, events have conspired to render me but a crab in the eyes of my mother and father, those whom I love and respect and seek to honour most, and it seems nothing can change that at all. And, thus, I must become a crab. That’s why I’m here, you see. I want your advice about animals, sir.
Zookeeper: Well, I am… deeply touched, and flattered you would come here first.
Chris: My schoolboy days- well, my schoolboy holidays, for I was a boarding lad- were filled with quiet memories of this very zoo. Where else would I go to learn about animals? Save, of course, the animals themselves, but of course- at least, until I am myself an animal, that is!- they cannot speak. [pauses] I’m sorry to state the obvious to you, I’m sure you knew that already.
Zookeeper: That I did, young man, but there’s nothing wrong with expressing one’s knowledge.
Chris: Certainly not, sir.
Zookeeper: Now, first thing’s first, just what is your name?
Chris: Chris, sir.
Zookeeper: [the zookeeper speaks here as if turning the name over and over in his mind] Chris… Chris. I once had a nephew named Chris. Sweet boy, sweet boy. I think now he works in a shop, whoring himself out to the grocery boom.
Chris: I am sorry you are so disappointed in your nephew, sir.
Zookeeper: Ah, all humans disappoint us eventually. That’s why I like to work with animals. I used to be a joiner, you know, but my hands… they didn’t want to join mere wood and metal. They wanted to join… animals. So I quit my job, and got a job at a dog training school. And then I worked in an agricultural college. Never a pet shop, though. No… I would never work in a shop. But I wanted to be my own boss, so that’s why I stepped out alone and opened this zoo. It’s not much, as you can probably see, and the cold is mounting up from Arctic world… I mortgaged all my savings to pay for it, and I live here… one day soon, maybe it will be my grave. But I’ll never leave the zoo. I don’t have much here now, just the zebra, and the penguin, and the reptile house, and a sheep. My beloved sheep! But I used to have a lion. Until it started bothering the zebra, and so I had to get rid of one, you know, and the lion was older. But it wasn’t hard to find a buyer, though. It can be hard to find a buyer for a zebra because no-one wants to keep them as pets… it’s not worth the risk when you can just paint a horse. But lions always find a buyer, right away. For the big cat wrestling market, you see. Just don’t ever pit one against a bear! [chuckles]
Chris: Why not, sir?
Zookeeper: Bam!, that’s why. Right off with the lion’s neck. You get into a wrestling match with a bear, it’ll crush your spine instantly. One-on-one, nothing that walks the earth can get the better of a bear. That is, if it’s a full-grown bear.
Chris: And if it isn’t?
Zookeeper: Well… then you can possibly just step on it, or something, it depends how small a bear we’re talking, but that’s not really worth getting into at this time. But I love animals, you know. If you want to learn to live amongst the animals- I would say especially a zebra, a penguin, a reptile, or a sheep, but also others, then you’ve come to the right place.
Chris: Well I want to be a crab.
Zookeeper: That I can help you with. Throughout my time I’ve know a great many crabs.
Chris: Well, isn’t that lucky!
Zookeeper: Yes, it is. And, since I like you, I can give you the sum total of my advice for oooooh… around twenty of our queen’s pounds or so?
Chris: Well that I can certainly do! [pulls out an even heftier fist of change from his pocket, counts it out into twenty- which it comes to exactly- and hands it over to the zookeeper, who pockets it]
Zookeeper: Well, the first thing you’ll need to note, is that you’re a lot bigger than most crabs. Throughout all my years amongst the crabs- and these have, though I won’t go into it quite fully here, been many- I have never known a crab as big as you.
Chris: Oh dear.
Zookeeper: But hope is not lost! I have heard rumours from sailors of crabs your size or indeed over ten times larger. You just never can tell. See what you’ll need is a convincing costume.
Chris: I’m listening.
Zookeeper: Most shops will not stock a proper crab costume. But you can make up for it by purchasing a regular burger-style costume, colouring it, and adding to it some crab-eyes and papier maché pincers.
Chris: [writing information down on notebook] Hmmmm, most interesting.
Zookeeper: You will also need to act like a crab.
Chris: Yes. How might I do that?
Zookeeper: Just walk like a crab and snip a lot. Do… you know how to walk like a crab.
Chris: [shakes head] Only too well, old man. Alas, walking like a crab will… only come too easily to me.
Zookeeper: Oh dear. The past… I will not pry.
Chris: [looks down] Tis best, I think, for all our eyes, to never pry.
Zookeeper: Yes. We all have secrets… secrets we can never even find, ourselves, until, at least, we die. [coughs three times]
Chris: What do you think happens… to any of us, sir, when we die?
Zookeeper: Crabs will go to heaven. [smiles] Crab heaven. If you are person? Well, I think we’ve all lived lives… to complex not to have to live them over, again and again, but each time in ever more excruciating detail. In our first lives, we were all of us stupid, clouded, and naïve. A lot like you, my lad! [laughs] But in every further life, our actions… our stupid, stupid actions, from our first life, well they just happen over again, now don’t they. Only this time, we realize what a mess we’re making, but we’re powerless to stop it. That’s our punishment, you know. For living at all. I think I’m probably on my eighth.
Chris: I’m such a perfect fool! I rarely grasp anything that I’m doing, you know. I must be brand new!
Zookeeper: Then you are the most damned of all.
Chris: [gulp] I do hope I make a successful crab!
Zookeeper: With my advice, I can only hope I’ve stood you in good stead.
Scene 8- A Crab Is Made Of He
[Chris is standing on the drab, windy, rocky shore of a Warwickshire bay, wearing a crab costume he has made himself and a determined look on his face]
Chris: Right. I’ve done everything the zookeeper said. Nature, won’t you make a crab of me yet!
[Chris dives sideways into the water and splashes around at the edge, splashing in the rocky pools and generally acting the perfect crab, much to the shock of the scattered other parties wandering along the sand]
Chris: [shouting, to sky] Crab! Crab! Mother, father, now won’t you see me for a crab!
Dogwalker: A crab boy! Well I never!
[the dogwalker gets out a camera and takes Chris’s picture- Chris, acting confused by the flash, lashes at him a bit with his already-drenched papier maché pincers, then scurries off]
Dogwalker: Wow, what a scoop!
Scene 9- Crab-Boy Chris Is Local News-Famous as Family Look On, And an Endeavour Is Taken
[a local news report is being watched on TV by Chris’s family, while they discuss his sudden disappearance]
Martin: I can’t believe he would just up and run away like that.
Mother: [tearful] Oh my Chris.
Martin: The boy needs discipline. He’s a silly, flaccid young thing. God knows what he’ll do out there in the world on his own.
Mother: I blame myself.
Martin: I blame him, and his own stupidity. But, if he turned up on our doorstep, I’d welcome him back. Though not first without a damn good thrashing.
Mother: Boo hoo hoo.
Katie: Oh I do miss you, little brother Chris.
Newsreader: [via TV] And now, on the –hur hur- side of the news you might want to take with a PINCH more SALT, if you know what I mean, it seems that an actual, genuine crab boy has been sighted wandering about Leamington Bay. [picture of Chris taken by Dogwalker flashes up on TV] It is unknown yet whether or not the crab-boy is the result of some sort of man-crab crossbreed, or just accelerated evolution, but he certainly frightened the local dogwalker who took the pictures, who described him as: “vicious but slow-witted.” All are advised to watch out, and not approach the specimen unless accompanied by a biologist.
Mother: [gasping] Chris! It’s our Chris!
Martin: That… stupid boy!
Mother: Oh my God. So much talk of him as a crab, and now, well… it seems our own… lack of understanding has caused our boy to actually become one, of sorts.
Martin: And on the news of all things. This is mightily embarrassing.
Mother: [touching Martin’s arm] Oh, Martin. Our boy is in trouble.
Martin: [sighs] Yes. Yes, now I see I have been too prideful. Come… [grabbing coat] let us go get our boy!
Scene 10- Arguments To Re-Join The Human World for Chris
[Chris’s family run onto the beach]
Family: Chris! Chris!
[Chris, still dressed as a crab, now, drenched, looks up]
Chris: Hiss! Hiss! Stay back! A crab I be!
Mother: Oh Chris! We have been so harsh on you. You are a young and sensitive scamp, we couldn’t have known our words and expectations would cut through you so.
Martin: I admit my pride, Chris, I am disappointed in myself for that.
Chris: A crab you want me to be? Well, a crab I’ll stay!
Mother: No! No of course Chris, that is very much the opposite of what we want!
Martin: It was just one instance of crab-walking. It was wrong, but I overreacted. I know that now. I guess I am just too obsessed… with discipline! I must mind my own self, sometimes.
Chris: And I admit that it was wrong. But I have taken this too far now. This is the end-game. A crab I have chosen to be, through my actions. And now, a crab I must stay. There is too much of the crustacean in me now.
Mother: Then let us EXORCISE that crustacean!
Chris: But how does one ever, truly, leave the sea? Even shallow sea. Once saltwater is in your ears, it stays there forever. If there is one thing that I remember from school, it is that always-lesson, drilled into us, yes.
Martin: Have I not been a father to you? Am I not a human man?
Chris: Oh but you are the only father I have ever and ever could have known! A human being, indeed! But when one marries one leaves the family home, and the sea is my mistress now, father!
Martin: Oh boy, oh boy. Oh flaccid, aching boy! Can you not see the pain you’re putting us through?
Chris: I have little to impress on you now. I suggest you abandon me to my fate.
Mother: [tears in eyes] I love and raised you, Chris.
Chris: [looking out to sea] The coast has raised me too, in a way.
Martin: My hand on your shoulder was the only hand you knew, growing up.
Chris: The waves are also hands, of a sort. At least in the guiding-way.
Katie: Brother we are of the same flesh. A last embrace?
Chris: I might snip you.
Katie: Snip with what? Those papier-maché hand blades are basically melted.
Chris: [downcast] Then I have failed, even as a crab.
Mother: Then come back as a human again!
Chris: [takes pause to think] Oh what the hey! [throws off costume and comes to embrace family]
Martin: My Christopher.
Chris: Our family. Our darling, darling family. Never shall I scare you with my crustacean tendencies again.
Mother: Oh you can walk as much of a crustacean as you like, son. Just stay with us next time, if indeed you want to be crab.
Chris: Is Misty OK? I did miss her so during my day on the shore.
Mother: Yes, she’s fine.
Chris: Oh thankyou for looking after her, family. [Chris’s phone rings] Oh wait, sorry. Must get this.
Laura: [through phone] Hello, is that Chris?
Chris: Yes, indeed it is!
Laura: I saw you on the local news. I thought you looked sexy as a crab.
Chris: That I did, honey-girl, but I am a human again now!
Laura: Oh, all the better I suppose. How about a date on Saturday night?
Chris: Sure. Dinner?
Laura: Yes! What sort do you prefer?
Chris: Anything I guess… except SEAFOOD!
Chris: See you then sweet-tits. [puts away phone] That was a girl. I just got a date. A successful human being once more, I suppose!
Family: [in unison] Oh Chris. You’re so cool!
Chris: That I am!
[everybody claps hands together and laughs]
where did you get it from?
But i think you're alright now.