I'm not entirely sure how this piece was commissioned. "Oh Tanya," they cried, "tell us another of your edgy stories about how you used to take drugs and have sex! The readers will love it! Well, as long as they don't look at the photo of you anyway! See if you can tie it into something barely relevant. Oh, and tack on a bit about a politician, but make sure you get their job title wrong."
What a bellend.