oh my. what an ignominous expedition.
so it begins....
i think i see the girl of my dreams. she's lovely....
'hey....leigh...see that girl....you know her don't you?...has she got a boyfr...'
'yeah....see that guy?....yeah, him'
now this guy. this guy is shit. i'm overweight and unatractive...but he was even MORE overweight and unattractive. dissapointing.
'ok, ok. never mi...oh wow.....what about that girl. she's pretty much just as beautiful....i really think i might go and tal...'
'yeah....that's her twin sister. she has a boyfriend too'
bummer. ok, ok...not so bad, not so bad. nothing i could've done there. not my fault they've shacked up. i would've tried my best.
i stand alone. a quite attractive girl comes up to me. 'hey, what's your name?' fuckeroo....bingooooo. see michael i told you. i fucking told you. it's all gonna be ok. you just had to wait for your moment and then it will all be o.....'you wanna talk to my mate?'. attractive girl points at unattracitve friend. not that bad looking..just...not my type whatsoever. we get brought together. forced together. but i'm the perfect gentleman. she looks embarressed. possibly embarressed to have been hoodwinked into talking to me. she talks about wanting to hurt her friend for what she just pulled. but i glide us through the awkwardness. we part, each with more dignity than we might have had otherwise. but still. neither enjoyed that moment.
a pal and i on the dancefloor. we see two girls. blonde for him, brunette for me. we devise a plan. this is how it went.
(me to brunette) 'hey...i know this sounds really stupid...but my friend quite likes your friend...do you think you could introduce them, just to get them talking?'
she looks dead ahead. she walks over to the friend. they confer in whispers for two minutes. they turn back. the blonde stares at us as if to say...'which one?'. i point at my pal. 'er...him'. she does nothing. a minute stand off goes by. i pipe up. 'go say hello marc'. he goes to say hello. they start talking. i'm left with the brunette. the plan has worked. we're bloody genius'. this is it.
'sorry about that....a bit stupid but i thought it would get them talking'
she looks ahead. she takes on the demeanor of a girl that refuses to be made to talk to the ugly boy. come on michael....try again...
'so....you havin a good night?'
she looks ahead. there may have been the slightest nod of the head. it might have been wind. either way....she still isn't a fan of eye contact. i feel like a prospective rapist.
'er...ok...um. see ya later'
my friend gets pushed over. i step up and have a token word, acting the hard guy. guy apologises. we get back to conversation. i joke to a girl we are with...'ha....i showed him', obviously emphasising my lack of hardness. she says.....'yeah...i would've been scared'. cool. she thinks i look hard. 'yeah.....you've got rapey eyes'. shit. my retort. 'a gay guy on holiday said i had really beautiful eyes'. she walks away. i question my brain.
it's the attractive girl from earlier. the mate i got paired with is eating some guys face off. she is on her own. perfik. i go over.
'hey...i spoke to you earlier'......' no you spoke to my friend'. points at pal i don't fancy. shit. 'yeah but....i spoke to you too'......'yeah but....you mostly spoke to my mate'. move on michael, move on. 'yeah ok. so....you having a good night?'.....'yeah..really good. you?'....'yeah good night....i haven't been here for ages'....'ha....no me neither'. at this point, she begins to back away like a girl that has just seen a lump of turd on the floor become self aware and start to slide towards her. before i can follow up the conversation she is about a meter and a half away. too far to talk on the dancefloor. i walk away and throw her a 'pff...i dunno eh?'....cheery shrug of the head. relatign to what, i'm not sure what i intended. perhaps....'pfff....noise eh?'. either way, she loooked relieved to be backing away.
so yeah. good night, good night. the ladies love me. fiver says i'm married before the year is out. they can't help themselves. i'm liking a walking can of lynx.