Your are viewing a read-only archive of the old DiS boards. Please hit the Community button above to engage with the DiS !
When it's a jar!
"can I have a pint of lager and a mop, please?"
....until the man in the crushed velvet suit came in....
"Barkeep! I'll have 5 shots of 151 and 4 Bud Ice's!"
The barkeep turned to the man and said "Lotta liquid for a start, you ok stranger?"
The man turned a watery eye to the barkeep and said,"My wife just ran off with every cent we had saved. I'm down to my last fifty and I just wanna drink today away"
Stricken with sudden empathy for the man, the barkeep said "I'll pay for the beers friend, you let me know if you need anything else". He filled the shot glasses and slid them and the beers to the man.
"All I need is a way to get some cash man, I'm tryin' to get out to my brothers place, but the plane ticket is gonna cost an arm and a leg." said the man. "You got any quick tips for that?"
The barkeep said "Well sir, we got our 'Man's Man Challenge', it'll cost ya $20 just to try it, but you can drink for free for tonight until you do. If you lose, we'll take everything you got and throw you into the street. If you win, well, you'd be the first ever to do so, and you win all the money and belongings of those that failed."
"That's some steep odds" said the man, belting back his third shot and 4th beer."But, all I can drink for $20?? I'd have to be crazy to turn it down today, sign me up!"
The barkeep took his twenty dollars and stamped his hand with 'The Man's Man Challenge'."
"You just let me know when you're ready and I'll explain the rules" said the barkeep, "Till then, drink up!"
In the course of the next hour, our crushed velvet friend became more hammered than man previously thought possible. Barely able to move at all, and slurring horribly, he finally inquired for the rules of his challenge.
"Well sir," said the barkeep, "There's three things ya gotta do. See that biker at the end of the bar? No one has ever beaten him in a fight. To pass part one, you gotta be the first to whip him, empty handed. Next, There's a kennel out back filled with rabid pit-bulls, They all have terrible cavities. To pass part two, you gotta pull every bad tooth in their heads and bring em back to me. Last, and certainly not least, There's a 104 year old woman upstairs who hasn't been sexually satisfied in 80 years. You get her off, and you win the Challenge."
"Thashhht not so harb!" slurred our hero, " Wasch dis shit!"
Fueled by enough alcohol to run the NHRA's events for the next decade, he stumbled down to the end of the bar, tapped the hulking biker on his shoulder, and proceeded to give the worst ass kicking the world has ever known to the surprised biker. When the dust settled, little remained of the biker, just some leather scraps, and a red stain on the floor.
"Congratulations!" said the bar tender, "You passed step 1!"
"Hell yeah I did" said the velvet wonder "Now I'mma go fix dem dowgs up"
"Good luck!" said the bar keep.
Soaked in blood and brimming with confidence from his victory, the man sauntered out the back door twords the kennels. There was a deathly silence for a moment, and then all hell broke loose outside. Dogs were yelping, Fences and gates came crashing down, some dogs began barking and clawing at the door trying to get away, and all the while, the loudest sound of all was being made by the man in the bad suit. He was LAUGHING like a maniac!
Twenty minutes went by like this, until finally it fell quiet outside. The bar tender, thinking the man was dead, pulled on some rubber gloves to start cleaning what was left of him up. But, as he was walking to the door, the man flung the door open and bounded inside. His suit was completely trashed now (most of it missing), deep cuts and punctures were all over his body. Black and blue bruises covered most of what was left of his skin, many of his appendages seemed broken, and, somehow, his shoes had switched feet. In his hands were dozens of teeth.
"Congratulations! said the bar tender, "You passed step two!"
The man beamed a smile back at the bar tender that was all gums and said " Yer dayum right I did! Now wheresh that old hag that needsh her tooth pulled??!!"