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Gawd bless the Telegraph for such excellent articles:
And gawd bless the man for owning a zebra called Zebadee,
as per the apprentice
'What can I get you'? Enquires the barman
'A red stripe'? He adds, smirking.
The zebra looks down. It has been cut on it's left flank and is bleeding profusely.
'Ha!' Says the barman, brandishing a machete.
The zebra collapses to the floor, with a look of horrified puzzlement.
'I'M DYING YOU BASTARD
Zebra: 'Pride please?'
Barman: 'You know, Barmen are great. REally great'
Zebra: 'Don't be daft'
Barman: GEt out or I'm going to cut your flank
'Not unless you put the Zebra outside!!!!!'
'Is that a zebra?'
'Yes, I'm not lion!!!!!!'
"What you havin', Zebs?"
"Pint o' Pride please, Christian."
"Okay, well you'll have to pour it yourself: I'm eating the barman"
A pint and some pork scratchings?
Oh never mind.
'No. You capitalised 'Barman' but not 'pride'
'How do you even know that, I spoke those words, I didn't write them'
*zebra leaves, is cut in the flank by a lion in the carpark*
'mY heart's not in this' stated the zebra, dead eyed.
A passing pride of lions tutted loudly.
'Are you a zebra?'
'Then I'm afraid you're going to have to leave'
'Because this is a lion bar!!!'
Nice work son, have the rest of the day off.
AND STOP SENDING ME PICTURES OF YOUR COCK.
All good jokes have to feature at least one stabbing.
WE'RE LIVING ON A PRAIRIE!
WE'RE RIDING A ZEBRAIR!
(poetic licence please thanks)
The phrase 'I have broken hundreds of horses over the years' still makes me laugh.
"They say zebras are so hard to break because they haven't got any brains and they do panic very easily,"
Remind you of anyone?
I mean 'zebras'
I wonder if reality implodes.
who's driving the train? Is this a car, bamos or a floating man?
Come to think of it, can bamos drive anything?
Keep still manimal.
Maybe superman 2.
'AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH'* said the barman
*it was actually a fart
I just tried four times to drink my coffee and had to stop due to laughter.
But with tea.
would your first instinct be to try and kill him?
The chances may be slim, but it could be David Blane!
With no height limit. Safe for me to get under!
Then I'd be like those lorries you see on news stories sometimes that get stuck under tiny bridges. Only I'd be stuck under a floating man.
What was this thread about again?
and I'm broken
In related news: a woodlouse just fell off the ceiling onto my desk.
Same question, but to the ceiling please.
so did your mother make her own really shit versions of Blind Date to keep you occupied? Let's meet tonights contestants!
I'm rotting log, 24, from Hampshire!
I'm desk, 13, from Thirsk!
I'm ceiling, 92, from Hudderfield!
Will it be Rotting Log, who wants to come apart in your arms and show you the ants in his pants!
Will it be Desk, whose got impressive wood and wants you to check out his drawers!
or will it be Ceiling, who may be a bit over your head but promises to show you some laughter in the rafters!
Creamy tea bins.
Full of woodlices!
I can't breathe!
The unexpected hits your desk, surprise!
The unexpected hits you between the eyyyyyyyyyyyeesss!
which one was theo singing?
Maybe it's a Mars Volta song. Who knows?
i guess he would have had woodlouse SOMEWHERE on that farm.
as long as whoever you choose looks like chalk to your cheese. i'm looking for at least a foot height/4 stone/comedy glasses type difference here.
Aren't we all.
Oh, it's gonna be a while before I stop laughing at that!
If this site had signatures on the end of each post that would be yours.
train it up to be an average midfielder and call it curtis woodlouse.
You've got to get the woodlouse into the bin.
Par is three flicks.
Or do you want me not to remind you to remind him?
maybe just set a daily alarm in your outlook calendar saying "creamy tin bins" in size 48 font.
did i write "zebra" in black letters on a white background? anyone got 4 stones i can use?
It was already there.
This thread = halcyon days.
"well, its pretty funny"
Creamy tea bin.
It's not every day you get to pun a Mars Volta album title. There's a reason for that...
"Pint of Pride" says the man
"Pride is not to be measured by the proud hand" the barman replies
"Not in this life" utters the lion, his voice wavering painfully, tailing..off..
Silence. The clock ticks.
The cold beams of Gregorovius' Citroen flashed the dusty sides of tankards as the cold gravel flecked the one long window. The three raised their surprised pinprick pupils to the inevitable godless charade about to unfold outside.
a tear falling into a driptray..
The beerpump grew clammy in his now freezing palm.
chest pains...the first for some months.
Marie should never have taken the children on the boating lake...But...if the land came with the pub...
Smell of greasecutter-thick lino as his temple struck the glasswasher. "Oh to close my eyes"
Somehow every pindrop creaking, every fan whirring, every noise in that lonely bar had ratcheted up to an ahen-faced scream at whatever cruel god made them the but of such a terrible joke.
As the snow picks up, the zebra turns to the window but sees only his own reflection
thinner than he remembered
"I am as old...as time...itself"
YOU GOT ANYTHIN' ON CREAMY TEA BINS? EE'S A VILLAIN AND WE WANNA PUT 'IM AWAAAAY (drives off in police car, hits wall)
Is that in the style of Hemmingway?
"I alway get to a certain in the love making my dear." he says.
"What part?" she asks, lovingly.
"Well" says the french man, "I always have trouble with zebra"
I was focusing on the first line too much.
and actually do some work before people noticed me creasing up here.
Still makes me laugh.