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Give your wrist a sniff. Describe the smell.
just make one up...thanx
It was the summer of 2002 and 6 friends and I, seduced by the promise of sun, sea, sex, drugs and rock and roll, had taken the decision to attend the Benicassim music festival in Spain. We caught an early flight out of Gatwick to Barcelona and then caught a train south to Benicassim. We rolled off the train, all steaming drunk, just before Noon. As we stepped off the platform we were immediately consumed by an almghty 90.F + heat that made the short walk to the campsite with our tents and bags unbearable. When we got there, we were shepherded to a camping spot by one of the stewards and told, in pidgen English, exactly where we were to camp. It was tiny patch of scorched grass set amongst a throng of tents. The occupants of each tent were all healthy looking, olive skinned young spanish people. Their eyes stared at our pastey, sweaty, drunken red faces before them. A few of them spoke amongst themselves, I had no idea exactly what they were saying but it was obvious that they weren't pleased with their new neighbours. Knowing my friends, I decided that it would be best for all concerned if we were placed away from the crowd, so I asked the steward if we could be moved away, pointing at the empty field at the other end of the campsite.
"No, you ave to stay ere. De udder camp will be full by tomorrow!" he replied.
We had arrived 2 days before the festival started so we could soak up the atmosphere and drink in the many bars in Benicassim town centre, so his answer was entirely plausible.
"OK" I thought "but you, me and these nice people will surely regret it."
We did our best job of pitching our tents. The ground was rock solid and the searing heat made the task almost impossible. My friend Barry sat back against a wall;
"Ah f*ck it, lads! We'll hardly be sleeping in them, lets just leave them as they are and head into town."
I looked at the pathetic sagging tents, which were to be our home for the next week, and decided he was right.
"Lets check out the beach while we're at it" another friend suggested.
So we gathered our beach stuff, threw our bags into our flacid tents and strolled off into town for a few more drinks. The bars were all lovely. The typical ones you get in spain with large terraced beer gardens and dark haired lovelies serving behind the bar. I had given everyone strict instructions to do their best to order food and drink in spanish. Even if our accents were crap and we got the words all wrong, surely the locals would appreciate our efforts, I reasoned. After skulling a good few cold drinks we took the decision to head to the beach.
"I've just got to do a few things." said Brian "you head on without me and I'll catch you up".
"I'll come with you" Barry replied "I've got to sort some cash out"
So we left the two of them to it, got a few supplies of booze and water and made the arduos journey down towards the sea.
A couple of hours past and there was still no sign of Barry and Brian. I was sat out on a floatilla 150 metres off shore with my friend Joe. The sun had already started cooking our white skin despite the industrial strength sunblock we had all slapped on ourselves.
"They must have carried on drinking in town. or gone to get something to eat." Joe reasoned.
"Probably!" i replied "you know what those two are like when they get together".
"Hang on a minute! Is that them?"
"Over there! Those two that have just walked in next to the building on the left."
I looked into the distance and could see two figures making their way towards the rest of the lads. it was definitely them. Despite the distance, i could tell as Barrys bright red shorts and large frame stuck out like a turd on an ice rink against the rest of the thin, tanned, nubile spanish people enjoying the beach.
"Whats Brian got under his arm?" Joe said puzzledly.
"I don't no. I can't make it out. What is that?"
We decided to swim back to sure and see what they had been up to. The swim out to the float had nearly killed us. I'm not a great swimmer at the best of times but when you've been up since 4am and been drinking all day it really takes it out of you. I clung desperately to a buoyed rope and dragged myself back towards the shore. As I stepped out of the water, it soon became clear what Brian had under his arm- An open mouthed blow up doll. And he was wearing a leopard skin thong that he had acquired from somewhere. The blow up doll was wearing a leopard skin bra. He had gone out and bought a bikini for it and was wearing the bottoms.
"What the f*ck?" I enquired with a giggle "what the f*ck did you buy a blow up doll for?" I looked around and could see horrified faces looking at us. Men and women with children and the other freshed faced spaniards were all looking at us in disgust.
"It's not a blow up doll! It's my new girlfriend, Chiquita. We met in town and she wanted to come to the beach" Brian slurred, was trying to stifle his laughter. He was clearly more drunk than before and I could see, from the cartons of Sangria that Barry and him were drinking, why. All my friends were giggling and making jokes and Brian was feeding off the laughter he had caused, but someone had to try and keep him in line. I was mindful that someone would have to keep everyone in check on this holiday or we would all be kicked out of the festival or deported, but i hadn't reckoned it would have happened on the first day.
"It's a f*cking blow up doll, Brian! There's kids around here and you're causing a scene. Everyone's staring at us! It's only 4 o'clock!"
Brian put his hands on the sides of the dolls head, pretending to shield it's ears;
"Don't listen to him, sweet heart! He's just jealous of the love we have."
Everyone fell about laughing and i realised that it was pointless remonstrating with him. Brian loves antagonising people and I didn't want to look like a killjoy. We had come here to have fun, If it was going to be at other peoples expense then so be it.
"Fine. Whatever. But what the hell are you wearing?" pointing at the thong with his hairy bollocks clearly hanging out the sides.
"It's lovely isn't it? I forgot my swimming trunks so I had to buy these and the only shop i could find was for women."
"But did you have to buy a thong. And a leopard skin one at that? It's f*cking tiny!"
He turned to show me his arse;
"It's not a thong. Look!"
He pulled the material out of his arse to reveal that they were normal bikini bottoms before hiking them back up his arse crack again.
"It just feels more comfortable like that!"
I laughed and turned away from him and he ran down towards the sea with the with the blow up doll under his arm; "Come on Chiquita!" he roared. We all laughed at his hairy white arse made it's way down to the waves. I turned to Barry who was wearing a stupid yellow visor, a donald duck t-shirt and had a large carton of Don Simon sangria, his top lip was stained red from the booze.
"And what the f*ck are you supposed to be? You look like a fat 12 year old boy!"
"That's the idea!" Barry laughed, he could handle his drink better than Brian and was clearly more lucid.
"He's a f*cking nightmare!" I said nodding my head at Brian, who was now frolicking in the shallows laying ontop of the blow up doll.
"You should have seen him in town. I went to the shop and said I'd meet him on the corner. When he turned up ten minutes later he was walking down the street arm in arm with that thing. You should have seen the looks we were getting in the bank!"
I laughed. "Look at him now!" another one of my friends said. I turned to see that some lovely looking girls were up and talking to Brian. He was still laying down in the shallows but was proudly posing for photos with his head rested on his arm and the doll by his side, as they were laughing and giggling with him.
"The crazy, lucky bastard!" Barry said.
"Well at least some of the locals have seen the funny side." I added, "most of these lot haven't!"
After another hour so of messing about and when all our beer was either drunk or warm, we headed back to our campsite, picking up some cold bottles of wine and some hardcore porn in a shop along the way. The large security guard at the gate said nothing as he checked our wristbands, but gave us all a look that said "If you f*ck around. I'll kill you!"
We got back to our tents and the drinking and frivolity started back up immediately. Our neighbours were all still sat around as they had been before, barely any of them had a drink, and the stunned silence and staring said more than any words could.
I sat against the wall smoking a large cigar, drinking my wine from the bottle when Brian staggered to his feet and declared he was going to get something to eat up at the shack near the front entrance. "Leave the doll here" Patrick said to him "If that security guard catches you on your own he'll throw you out" he reasoned.
"Yeah, he's probably right" I chimed in "just leave it here and we'll look after her."
After some persuading Brian agreed and he staggered off on his mission.
"I'll do more than look after her" said Paddy, as he threw down the spanish porno he had been reading and lifted the doll off the floor before throwing it into his tent.
"What are you doing?" I laughed, "Brian will go mental!"
"Oh nothing!" Paddy replied with a grin as he zipped up the tent behind him.
"You sick dirty bastard!" said Barry as he picked up the magazine from the floor "You're going to f*ck it, aren't you?"
Paddy stuck his head out of the tent; "No no no!" he said in a mock spanish accent as he waved his finger in front of his face; "We make, how you say in english? Sweet f*ck f*ck!" before he pulled his head back inside and zipped the tent up to the last.
We all laughed as the rustling began inside the tent, followed swiftly by a squeaking sound. The hardcore spanish grot was obviously too much for Paddy to take and he needed a release that only a woman or a cheap plastic blow up woman could provide. We listened intently and laughed our bollocks off to Paddys exaggarated moaning inside the tent.
"Oh f*ck!" said Joe "Brians on his way back!"
I turned my head to see Brian staggering down the dusty rocky pathway, he was holding a pint of lager in one hand and was trying to eat a whole rolled up pizza with the other. He was making a proper mess of it.
"Shhh!" I whispered "Don't tell him whats going on."
Brian jumped down the low wall from the path to where we were camped, spilling his beer and nearly falling over on the process.
"Where's Chiquita?" he enquired immediately, looking confusedly at the empty spot where he had gently left her. "And where's Patrick?" The squeaking had temporarily stopped.
"Sit down Brian. We've got some bad news for you." said Barry with mock concern as we all tried to contain our laughter "while you were gone Paddy and her really hit it off and, well, I'm afraid, she's left you."
"Where's Pat and where's my Chiquita?" Brian enquired again, more forcefully.
A loud squeak of rubber came from the closed tent and we all burst out laughing.
"You f*cker Patrick!" Brian screamed, dropping his pizza and pint on the ground before darting towards the shoddy tent.
"I'm sorry!" came a voice from inside "I just couldn't help myself! She's been giving me the come on all day!"
Brian ripped upon the zip to be greeted with the site of Paddys naked arse between the blow up dolls legs, his shorts and pants were pulled clean down around his ankles.
"You absolute f*cking c*nt! I turn my back for two minutes and you do this!"
Paddy desperately pulled up his pants as we all screamed with laughter and quickly tried to take pictures of the horribly comprimising position in front of us.
"What are you doing? I've not even had sex with her yet and then you jump in and steal her virginity from me!!!"
I've known Brian for years and could tell through his anger that he was joking around, but the horrified spanish onlookers around us had the universal "Whatthef*ck?" look on their stunned faces as they gazed in on this disturbing scene.
Seeing the laughter Brian was getting out us, he stepped up his tirade another notch as Patrick willingly joined in with the spectacle, profusely apologising and begging Brian for forgiveness. After a while he turned to Patrick;
"OK, I understand. It's not your fault. She's just a sexy spanish harlot and you were weak to her powers!"
"Yeah that's right", Patrick agreed.
"Come out here, Chiquita. I want a word with you!"
The doll lay there in the tent with it's foot poking out.
"Don't ignore me bitch! i go off to buy us some food for us and the minute my back is turned you seduce my friend. Well you better get out here and explain yourself!"
Again, suprisingly, the doll lay motionless.
"Right, you whore! Get out here now!" he screamed, before dragging the doll out by it's foot and hoisting it up to his eye level. We were all all in stitches, my sides were hurting I was laughing so much. Some of our neighbours had now realised it was a joke and were smiling over nervously, whilst others (mostly women) looked on in utter disgust.
"I don't know how things work over here, i only got here this morning, but in my country we don't put up with our girlfriends shagging our mates when our backs are turned."
"You tell her, Brian" said Joe.
"I don't know what kind of mug you take me for but I'm not gonna stand that! Go on say something! Don't just look at me like that with your mouth open!"
Brian pulled the dolls mouth towards his ear, pretending that it was whispering something to him.
"What's that? You wanted a real man!? You dirty spanish slaaagg! Well this is what we do to woman like you in England!"
And with that, he held the doll at arms length and began hitting it in the face.
"YOU DIRTY SPANISH SLAG!" he screamed, each word punctuated by another punch to its head. Then he threw it down on ground and began kicking it, before he dived on it. He grabbed a porno mag laying on the ground and began ripping pages out of it.
"You like dirty sex, do you? You like sex? Well here's some sex in your filthy spanish mouth!" he ranted as he screwed up the pages and stuffed them in the blow up dolls mouth.
The scene had definitely taken a turn towards the sick, but no one tried stopping the whirlwind. In truth, it was pretty damned funny, if only our neighbours thought the same way.
Screaming and cursing and punching all the while, he grabbed a rope that we hadn't bothered securing our tents with and tied it around Chiquitas neck. He then threw the other end of the rope over a branch of a tree on the pathway next to us.
"Cheat on me will you? Cheat on me you bitch! This is what we do to whores like you in my country!"
He then turned to me and grabbed the cigar out of my mouth "Give me that!" he said.
"Oi you tosser. i was smoking that!"
"You can oxf*rd off and all! You all stood by and let this happen!" he screamed whilst shoving the lit cigar into the paper filled mouth of the doll. Within seconds it caught fire and Brian pulled the other end of the rope and hoisted the now on fire sex doll into the air.
"See what you get! Ae you happy now bitch?! Are you happy now?!?! Brian screamed, as smoke billowed out into the warm evenings air.
I had always thought Brian was abit of a loose cannon but if I was ever in doubts about his mental health then this whole saga had confirmed it. Brian was quite clearly insane.
I stood up to get my cigar back and looked around me. Across the pathway was a tent full of off duty stewards and the women amongst them were stood with thier hands to their mouths, shaking their heads in horror. Everyone else in the campsite was stood looking at where this awful screaming was coming from and was greeted by my friend lynching a blow up from a tree with screwed up burning porn stuffed in it's mouth. I imagined what they must be thinking and it wasn't good. It was time to try and reel him back in.
"Brian mate" i said, placing my hand on his shoulder "it's probably best if you tone it down a bit. Everyones watching and there's a group of stewards over there, who clearly aren't impressed."
"I don't care!" Brian continued, "She has to pay for what she's done to me!"
"Brian, seriously, it's day one and we've got to stay here for the next week. You'll get us all kicked out."
He didn't listen and I ended up wrestling the rope off him. As the doll fell to the floor he gave it one last kick and screamed "You bitch! You've broke my heart!" before reaching for another drink.
It all ended and we sat again laughing and drinking, until 3 burly spanish security guards came walking down the path with the one of the girl stewards form the group across the way. She pointed over to where we were sat and the 3 guards bounded over. The biggest one was at the front and he started shouting at us and pointing to the pathetic sight of the doll on the floor. I had no idea what he was saying, but even without an A-level in spanish it was rather easy to tell that he was far from pleased.
"We don't speak, Spanish!" I explained, as he blared at us all. Someone was going to have to try and talk us out of this and i knew that person would have to be me. "Do any of you speak English?" I enquired politely. The smallest security guard at the back stepped forward and declared that he did. I took him to one side and explained that Brian had too much to drink, the sun had effected him and that his girlfriend had just left him (she hadn't) and all these things had momentarily fried his brain. The small security guard was a reasonable chap and explained that quite a few people had complained about the hanging and that the big one, who had been the one at the front gate, wanted to kick us all out right there and then and had been telling us to gather our things. I pleaded with him to reason with the big security guard- Our flights weren't for another week and we'd all be screwed. I also promised that I'd do my best to keep him in check and suggested that we should move our tents and all our things down to the empty field at the bottom. He went back and reported my pleadings and suggestions. I could see the big security guard looking over. His eyes said "English pigs!" I gave him a thumbs up and a begging/praying sign with my hands. The small security guard came back;
"OK, but you all have to move now. Take your tents and go down to that field. He says that if he gets any more complaints from you lot he'll kick your arse first and throw you all out!"
"Muchos Grazias, Signor!" I responded and shook his hand "Muchos muchos grazias, mate! You have my word that you won't here from us again."
He smiled, obviously appreciating my efforts to speak the lingo, and they left. I told the lads what had been said and we packed up things, ripped our tents out if the ground with very little effort as there was about 2 pegs holding each in place and carried them, still erect, to our new campsite.
When we got settled again, i turned to Brian;
"You're a f*cking liability. ALWAYS!"
"Calm down, Paul! Those tossers wouldn't have thrown us out. They were just trying to f*cking scare us!" he replied as he threw his bags and the doll into the tent and climbed inside.
"What are you doing?" i asked
"Nothing, just having the lie down. I'm knackered!" he replied with a smile.
"You're not going to....are you? You're going to ride it. After all she did to you!" I said in jest.
"Ah we've made up now. It was just a misunderstanding! We're in love again" he said with a bigger grin as he zipped up the tent. He then began talking lovingly to the doll again so that we could all hear. I sat back in my camp chair, took a swig from my wine and realised, it was going to be a long week!
This was going to be a 3 parted but i never could be bothered to write the other 2
so you did, i'm trying to work right now but i have next week off of work so i'll print it off and take it on my summer hols
I can't get used to wearing a watch, time goes by slowly when I wear one.
Well done for reading all of it.
It broke a while ago.
I dont wear a watch.
stale piss, sweat and comfort fabric conditioner.
and I can't possibly be disgusted by me, therefore I like it.
I'm very dubious of people without watches. It's the first tell tale sign that you're dealing with a freaky hippy.
I can't see there being any exceptions to this.
showering with your watch on ftw
The moisture under the strap sowly drying against your skin makes it stink.
you must smell divine in the morning sheeldz :)
erm.... there you go....
*backs out of the room slowly and runs back to the music board*