Michael Ian Black:

To all you haters: I'm not a pussy just because I cry when I hear David Archuleta's new jam. I also cry when I menstruate.
about 8 hours ago from web
Discovered something wonderful and terrifying today: I love Lite Fm. It really is the best mix of the 80's, 90's & today.
about 8 hours ago from web
Two things to pop with wildly different results: corn and zits.
about 21 hours ago from web
Up before dawn to make a TV show, and also to do some last-minute vampire hunting.
about 23 hours ago from web
Getting a sunburn is like Mother Nature giving you a really toothy blowjob.
5:55 PM May 13th from web
If you want to follow the making of "Michael & Michael Have Issues" as it happens, follow our assistant @stephiegrob, Tweeting from the set.
5:37 PM May 13th from web
Exercise is stupid.
5:04 PM May 12th from web
Humping might be the best word ever invented to describe humping.
5:10 PM May 11th from web
I say so few things sincerely, but I thought I would say: I love my wife. We have two amazing kids. We're happy. The rest is just bullshit.
7:13 PM May 10th from web
Breakfast in bed for wife consisted of pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, orange juice. All served with extra farts.
7:13 AM May 10th from web
Mother's Day plans for tomorrow: wake up early w/ kids, make wife breakfast in bed, visit mistress.
8:59 PM May 9th from web
Can't vouch for quality (of the download or of album itself,) but The State's 1995 unreleased album: http://tinyurl.com/qy8mpe
3:20 PM May 9th from web
Father's Day is a bullshit holiday in which kids make pinch pots and moms say, "Here's a fucking omelet. Go clean the garage."
3:12 PM May 9th from web
All these women are writing to me bitching about "making ONE baby." You never hear men complain about making HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS of sperm.
12:35 PM May 9th from web
Mother's Day is fine, but what about my needs? God, women are selfish.
12:12 PM May 9th from web
RT: @metsweekly This Saturday at 12, on SNY, @michaelianblack and @mshowalter are in the booth as special Mets Weekly broadcasters!
8:09 PM May 8th from web
Mother's Day = yet another opportunity to fuck up my marriage. I hope she likes Kraft mac-n-cheese.
7:26 PM May 8th from web
The "Michael and Michael Have Issues" website makes a great Mother's Day gift: http://tinyurl.com/d97omu
1:47 PM May 8th from web
Advice to ladies: if you don't want me to look down your shirt, stop having awesome boobs.
1:00 PM May 8th from web
It's Friday morning! Only three days till I start thinking "Only five days until Friday!"
5:46 AM May 8th from web