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Help a brother out! She's pretty ace.
So he gave it to her.
or am i missing the point with you deliberately stuffing the punchline?
After pressing enter I thought 'yeah, that's right, seems less funny than last time, though'.
one turns to the other and says:
Michael Jackson's hand?
A paedophile's arse. OBVIOUSLY.
stevie wonder answering the iron
is Charles Dance
i like where this could go...
or any of the others i mentioned... hmmm
An icecream man being mugged
I thought you'd already won her heart that's all and it was all, er gravy, or someting
Not 'in' so much
His addiction is destroying his family.
OR, another classic:
A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the animal is captured, then released into a local park.
One turns to the other says, "I saw a large number of strange men going in and out of your house yesterday." The other man replies, "yes, my wife has become a prostitute in order to fund her cancer treatment."
Waiter waiter there's a fly in my soup.
I'm very sorry Sir, I don't know how this can have happened. Please let me bring you a fresh bowl. Complentary of the restaurant of course.
A piece of string was in a pub.
The barman said to the piece of string "Are you a piece of string? Cos if you are, I won't serve you.
The piece of string, of course, being an inanimate object, did not reply.
then he turned into a driveway
If you have to ask the internet how to amuse her in presumably virtual environment, how are you going to amuse cut it in real life huh?
Give up. You're batting above your station.
HARSH today Mirri.
(That's what mates say no?)
I'll let you google it.
He'd just dumped his girlfriend
one turns to the other and says:
'ooooo ooooo ahhhh ahhhhh!!!'
the other replys:
'well turn on the cold tap then'
It's pretty much the only joke I can remember
A pilot, you racist.
he needed a shit.
I did this - it got posted in the wrong place though. LAME DiS! :(
I used to be a necrophiliac
then some rotten cunt split on me.
how do you get an elephant into the fridge?
OPEN THE DOOR AND PUT HIM IN!
there is a party in the jungle, which animal didn't turn up?
THE ELEPHANT BECAUSE HE'S IN THE FRIDGE!
So he could claim her life insurance, as she was a wealthy woman.
Q: What did Santa say to the hardworking elves?
A: If you had read your contract you would know that you all waived the EU Working Time Directive so you aren't entitled to any further breaks and must stay until the job is done. Otherwise you will be in breach of said contract and will not get paid. It has been brought to my attention that we aren't in the EU anyway, so it was a real waste of paper putting that clause in.
I did this at t'weekend and it worked.
Because she had no arms.
We're running late. We spent too long at the Loewenstein's.
it plays the national anthem and was real expensive I need to get my money's worth
if it played The National Anthem by Radiohead. That would be funnier than all of these jokes combined. I miss the days when you could programme your own ringtones into phones.
But I hit Enter too late.
Early, late. Those Loewenstein's really threw me off.
can I hath my thunder back please?
I started seeing a guy after he told me this
Why was the litle biscuit so upset?
Cos his mum was a wafer so long.
Sad but true, we lived together for two years though so it must have had some effect on me!
Unless he beat you.
when men tell you crap like that, it makes you think they're really sweet and not all stuck up.
Even if they are.
I dont geddit
punchline being "his mum was a wafer so long"
It was a propellerheads remix.
too soon man!
after the news broke
Now to wait for the wedding!
One says to the other, "can you smell fish?"
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever.
A neutron walk in to a bar and ask for a beer, "how much is that?" he asks. "For you" the barman replies "no charge".
most people just look at me blankly when I tell them that joke. Their reactions are as funny as how stupid the joke is. The stupider the joke the better to me.
Three balloons. Daddy balloon, mummy balloon and baby balloon.
Daddy balloon says to baby balloon, "look son, you are much to old to sleep with mummy and daddy, you will have to sleep in your own bed."
Baby balloon protests, "I like sleeping with you and mummy."
"No you are not sleeping with us and that's final.
"OK" says baby balloon sadly.
Two in the morning baby ballon wakes up and decides to climb into bed with mummy and daddy. He finds there is no room, so he unties his dad's knot and lets out some air, and ties him up again. Still no room, so he unties his mummy's knot, also lets some air out and ties her up again. He still can't get in, so he unties his own knot, lets out some air, and ties himself up again. He finally has room, and snuggles down with mummy and daddy.
The next day they all wake, and daddy balloon is really angry.
He says, "Son, I am really disapointed with you. I said you can't sleep with us but you did anyway. And now not only have you let me down and you've let mummy down. But most of all you've let yourself down."
and was told it wasn't worth the wait. curses.
the only way to fix this is to blow me
the giraffe drinks a little too much and passes out on the floor. as the man get's up to leave the bartender yells "hey! you can't leave that lyin' on the floor" he replies "it's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
The doorbell repairman.
What's brown and runny? LINFORD CHRISTIE!
I can't send it to her. I might appear RACIST!
Because he's black.
For sensitive people, insert American instead of black...
otherwise they'd be called baygulls
i have you in my phone as hananananananakroyd
maybe i'll see you later.
A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a cod under his arm. He says to the bloke behind the counter "Do you do fish cakes?" The bloke behind the counter says "No sorry mate." The guy points to the cod and says, "Oh that's a shame, it's his birthday."
Did you hear about the gay magician?
He disappeared with a poof.
A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. A voice says "Oooh, I like your shirt, it's a great fit on you." The man looks around to see that the bar is completely empty. The barman brings him his drink and he begins to sip it. The voice speaks again and says "Well those jeans look great, you have amazing dress sense." The man looks confused and looks around again to see the pub is still empty. He asks the barman "Where's that voice coming from?" The barman says "Oh, that's the nuts. They're complimentary."
*Do a silly voice with arm flapping in front of face * Can I have a bun please?
I found that one on here sometime... gold.
But yeah, won't work in a text.
and then just send a picture pointing at yourself.
(obviously if you're not 27 you just change the number accordingly. only works for age 21 and above, and not for ages ending with a 0).
A dog with a hair-lip.
The Beach Boys walk into a bar
‘Get a round’
‘I get a round?’
‘I’ll get a round’
‘I’ll get a round....'
A bunch of contestants off The Apprentice go to a sushi bar. One of them goes
"I tell you what though....who's he gonna Saki?"
one of them was a salted
Ouch! It was an iron pub.
iron bar, surely?
first ones says "oooh, it's hot in here!"
second one says "holy shit, a talking sausage!"
first one says "mooooooo"
second one says "you cunt, i was going to say that!"
first one says "blurp blurp blurp"
second one says "shut up and help me drive this thing!"
first one says "I'm itching!"
second one says "stop it, crisps don't talk."
A snooker table
It appears to have worked, I'm seeing her again soon. Keep them coming though, there's only so far that a Krang from turtles impression will get me with her...
A car park.