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anyone? funny stories? anecdotes?
Apologies for crap thread. I'm bored as
what sort? ordinary english or something a little more elaborate?
what do you call a native american with lots of books?
a read indian
what do you call a siberian cow?
i am really rather rubbish at making jokes up on the spot. and pretty rubbish at telling jokes that i know. i either forget the punchline or take too long, it becomes not funny.
Barman says no cos you're a wanker.
Man says, how did you reach this conclusion?
Barman replies - you have a bluetooth headset.
barman - why the long face?
horse- My wife's just died.
Horses don't get married so this is a bag of shit.
this, i like.
'I really couldn't', he says, it's a breach of doctor/patient protocol.
A while later she pleads for him to kiss her again....
'Honestly, I'm flattered, but it would be wrong and I could end up in a lot of trouble'.
Some time passes and yet again the patient demands that he kiss her.
'Enough!', the doctor exclaims. 'This has gone way too far, I can't possibly kiss you, it would be a total breach of all known etiquette. It's not going to happen so just control yourself.........I mean, strictly speaking you shouldn't even be sucking my cock........'
*Guardianista sub-note: Obviously, this being 2009 the doctor would be more likely to be a woman, but this one relies upon crude gender stereotyping.
the nazi says, "hey! this is my land, so could you Mein Fuhrer away please."
my father died in a concentration camp..........................yeah, he got drunk one night and fell out of his guard tower'.
- Henning Wehn
the burglars took nothing but the number 9 from my telephone.
It still works if you press where the button was.
'cause you've lost all your 9's and can't call for help
They'll explain what I meant.
one turns to the other and says 'you're round'
'can I have a packet of peanuts, some crisps
and a pint of coke'
the barman says: 'why the big paws?'
one turns to the other and says 'how do you drive this thing?'
A:he was chop-lifting
thankyou I'll be here all week.
so here's one I made up all by myself. Don't hurt me.
A burglar breaks into the White House residence and takes President Obama's two girls hostage in their bedroom. He demands that Barack and Michelle give him $1,000,000,000, or he'll kill them both.
Barack says, "Look, here's a nickel coin. If it comes heads five times in a row, you let them go. If not, I'll give you a HUNDRED billion dollars, straight from the treasury budget." Burglar's like, ok. And miraculously, it comes up heads five times. After the burglar leaves the girls and is arrested, Michelle says, "How did you know the nickel coin would come up heads 5 times?"
Barack laughs and says, "Darling, it's change we can believe in!"
Nice cars, Dilemmas.
one says to the other: "can you smell fish?"