Writer, painter and inventor of time machines who is impossibly in love with with The Kinks, red skies and zombie films. After returning from a recent stint in Brooklyn, New York -- where I made a living writing newspaper stories about crime, politics and space aliens -- I now run a magazine for an evilish media company and illustrate children's books about dinosaurs.
Other things I am a fan of include -- baking cakes, Paul Auster, Peter Cook, Bob Dylan's radio show, Spaced, filling notepads with inky drawings, sea monsters, Tuscany, Iggy Pop, Italo Calvino, Rimbaud, Michel Gondry-style music videos, the Flaming Lips, playing the aeroplane game with my nieces and the New York Mets.
(Essentially I am motivated, highly creative person who loves meeting new people and exploring the world. Those who cannot dream up zombie defense strategies need not apply.)
someone I know put an ad in Time Out saying "Scumbag punk squatter trash musician, 30 going on 16 with nothing to offer, WLTM attractive rich older woman who is willing to put up with a lot of shit." He got 22 responses.
where you describe yourself and your interests without coming across as a total bell? I know I'd struggle..mainly because a lot of the time I'm a total bell. But, y'know, hypothetically, can it be done?
It's just really easy to pull every word apart when all you have to go on is all they've said there. If I wrote down my interests I would have no trouble in pulling them apart and making myself sound like a complete plank. NO COMMENTS ON THIS PLEASE THANKS.
I like Chumbawamba (Hi! I'm a wannabe anarchist without the balls to do anything about it! I probably also have a dog on a string and a Levellers t-shirt!) my favourite film is Leon (Mmmm, YOUNG GIRL! Paedo-time!) I like going to the local pub rather than a bright shiny chain bar (It's reverse snobbery time! I like the smell of old men's farts, bitter with twigs in it and sopping wet dogs! Sometimes I sit in the pub on my own! LIKE A LONER!) When at home I like nothing more than kicking back and watching The Bill (mwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa) and I'm a big fan of birdwatching (christ almighty. I'm actually the world's most tedious man).
On Thursday we all LoLed when a guy on who works on the same floor as us had his profile appear on that spot on the Guardian HOMEPAGE!! Which would be a 1 in 100,000 chance if their numbers are to be believed. Much group email mockery ensued the rest of the afternoon.
this guy is actually a nice bloke, although you'd think he was insufferable if you only read his profile. So maybe the people aren't insufferable, just the way they write their profiles
I'm kinda only saying this in case someone sees me on there. Pre-emptive strike and all.
Someone once sent me the most insufferable message through it. She had no picture, but wrote hundreds of words of bunny-boilery, 'can-you-handle-this-much-woman' style madness. On reflection, I judged that I probably could not handle that much woman.
I’m 70% Blousey Brown: 30% Tallulah, and *all* about the random ‘cultural’ references. The last Guardian Soulmate I met described me as “weird, but in a benign way.” Hmm…
I’m fundamentally a standing-in-the-corner-at-parties sort of person, although I have my moments: I love to dance Salsa.
I’m a recovering Classicist, ongoing theatrical designer and current nursery school Special Needs worker (by day)/Psychology student (by early evening).
I’m disproportionately enthused by stationery, afternoon tea and being just a bit silly.
See for yourself?
(NB: I realise that I’ve overused ‘I’m’ and paragraphs).
I know a couple who met through it, and neither reads the guardian. I think the only prestige it has over other similar websites it that it costs an ASSLOAD of money..
is that dudes make free profiles, and then a piece of sophisticated software carefully calculates a titillating message or two from one or more hotties. Said dude pays his cash, never to hear from fake AI girl again.
(until the software develops sentience, but if you want to find out how that works out you'll have wait for my sitcom to get commissioned)
A friend got some great (genuine) responses to his profile:
"N. London-based media type seeks f**king disaster of a girlfriend to help me f**k up my life good and proper before I finally wave goodbye to my 20s. Terrifying drink and drug problem and cavalier attitude to sexual health preferred.
My friends say variously that I'm a moral vacuum, bookish and cerebral, twattish, probably gay and I have a messiah complex."
89%
Guardian Soulmates?
more like Guardian LOLmates!
i can't get on there
even my employers want me to stay alone and miserable
stop trying to hook up with Polly Toynbee
my friend used it.
had 3 dates. 2 geeks and one cheif.
was it Raekwon?
i hope so,
he sounds intriguing
I still hate the way you use 'chief' as if it's a bad thing.
Surely chiefs are in charge?
You're a proper commander and no mistake.
whatever you say captain
LIEUTENANT, SAID IN THE AMERICAN WAY.
* correct way
I can't actually remember which is which.
Anyway, the point is, meths is a shrub. AT EASE, SOLDIER.
American is Loo
English is Left
a shrub is a man that wont get no love from me
good grief
My friend's ex
Got over him by finding someone on soulmates and marrying them and having a BAYYBEEE. She was a bit of a twat.
...
Writer, painter and inventor of time machines who is impossibly in love with with The Kinks, red skies and zombie films. After returning from a recent stint in Brooklyn, New York -- where I made a living writing newspaper stories about crime, politics and space aliens -- I now run a magazine for an evilish media company and illustrate children's books about dinosaurs.
Other things I am a fan of include -- baking cakes, Paul Auster, Peter Cook, Bob Dylan's radio show, Spaced, filling notepads with inky drawings, sea monsters, Tuscany, Iggy Pop, Italo Calvino, Rimbaud, Michel Gondry-style music videos, the Flaming Lips, playing the aeroplane game with my nieces and the New York Mets.
(Essentially I am motivated, highly creative person who loves meeting new people and exploring the world. Those who cannot dream up zombie defense strategies need not apply.)
=D
An actual advert, or your own work?
shit, shoulda been
@ ehwhat
this isn't twitter
@guntrip
sorry
i think she actually went on a date with this guy
This sounds like the stereotypical London DiSer.
The use of the word 'soulmate' by anyone
is instantly damning
98%
on a related note
someone I know put an ad in Time Out saying "Scumbag punk squatter trash musician, 30 going on 16 with nothing to offer, WLTM attractive rich older woman who is willing to put up with a lot of shit." He got 22 responses.
Lovely stuff
Did he meet any of them? I'd love to know the calibre of a woman who replies to that advert.
:D
on a semi-reltaedd note, is there any way of writing a personal ad
where you describe yourself and your interests without coming across as a total bell? I know I'd struggle..mainly because a lot of the time I'm a total bell. But, y'know, hypothetically, can it be done?
as long as you dont ACTUALLY make out what your like,
then yes, its possible. use as few words as possible. and use old photographs.
Campanology Monthly has a dating service page.
If you're a total bell that's the place to find a date.
I'll be sure to ring them
Don't drop any clangers on the first date.
I'll just make sure we go to a brassery, it'll be all ok
That's a good pulling technique
Nope.
It's just really easy to pull every word apart when all you have to go on is all they've said there. If I wrote down my interests I would have no trouble in pulling them apart and making myself sound like a complete plank. NO COMMENTS ON THIS PLEASE THANKS.
pls list your interests.
Carpentry
I will, and I will pull them apart for you.
I like Chumbawamba (Hi! I'm a wannabe anarchist without the balls to do anything about it! I probably also have a dog on a string and a Levellers t-shirt!) my favourite film is Leon (Mmmm, YOUNG GIRL! Paedo-time!) I like going to the local pub rather than a bright shiny chain bar (It's reverse snobbery time! I like the smell of old men's farts, bitter with twigs in it and sopping wet dogs! Sometimes I sit in the pub on my own! LIKE A LONER!) When at home I like nothing more than kicking back and watching The Bill (mwahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa) and I'm a big fan of birdwatching (christ almighty. I'm actually the world's most tedious man).
BIRDS R GAY
How do I contact you about a date? You sound fun.
PM me Lh8trzzz :-D
where do you stand on carpentry?
Snogging wet dogs?
Shame
Kicking back?
christ alive
at least all of them
if not more
Ooh, topical
On Thursday we all LoLed when a guy on who works on the same floor as us had his profile appear on that spot on the Guardian HOMEPAGE!! Which would be a 1 in 100,000 chance if their numbers are to be believed. Much group email mockery ensued the rest of the afternoon.
In answer to your question though
this guy is actually a nice bloke, although you'd think he was insufferable if you only read his profile. So maybe the people aren't insufferable, just the way they write their profiles
Decent people can come across as insufferable on the internet?
I won't believe it.
it was you, wasnt it?
Are you ok?
No, but I emailed the link to my girlfriend who is in Australia
and she wanted to know what I was doing looking at a dating site in her absence
when the cats away...
She's sharp.
even worse
what if your picture got in the guide on a saturday?!
you could claim you've been in a publication with charlie brooker
I have an account on there
I'm kinda only saying this in case someone sees me on there. Pre-emptive strike and all.
Someone once sent me the most insufferable message through it. She had no picture, but wrote hundreds of words of bunny-boilery, 'can-you-handle-this-much-woman' style madness. On reflection, I judged that I probably could not handle that much woman.
how much woman CAN you handle, jonny_rat?
how much woman
is sandi toksvig?
That much woman.
ok
7, then.
sandi is a perfect 10
but she wears a.. no, actually I'm not going there
no picture = trog
which, fittingly is grot backwards also
Not quite
:(
big big lose.
:D
TORG HUNGY
MAYBE TORG AND NICE MAN GO FOR COCKTAILS AND SNACKS
MAYBE TORG GIVE NICE MAN HER SECRET FLOWER
^5
and you kept it right? I insist you copy and paste!
Kylie Minogue signed up to Guardian Soulmates
True fact
Sounds like a hoot:
I’m 70% Blousey Brown: 30% Tallulah, and *all* about the random ‘cultural’ references. The last Guardian Soulmate I met described me as “weird, but in a benign way.” Hmm…
I’m fundamentally a standing-in-the-corner-at-parties sort of person, although I have my moments: I love to dance Salsa.
I’m a recovering Classicist, ongoing theatrical designer and current nursery school Special Needs worker (by day)/Psychology student (by early evening).
I’m disproportionately enthused by stationery, afternoon tea and being just a bit silly.
See for yourself?
(NB: I realise that I’ve overused ‘I’m’ and paragraphs).
Assuming that they all read the guardian..........
100%
Assuming that they all read the guardian..........
100%
Actually..
I know a couple who met through it, and neither reads the guardian. I think the only prestige it has over other similar websites it that it costs an ASSLOAD of money..
it costs money?!?
It's, like, £25 a month if you want to send messages!
I'm filled with generic rage!
but not to sign up?
i might make a profile and see what happens.
(i'm just confused
that people would be desperate enough to pay for this..)
I think what happens
is that dudes make free profiles, and then a piece of sophisticated software carefully calculates a titillating message or two from one or more hotties. Said dude pays his cash, never to hear from fake AI girl again.
(until the software develops sentience, but if you want to find out how that works out you'll have wait for my sitcom to get commissioned)
Well the 3 people I know who've used it
are all pretty awesome actually, surprisingly.
A friend got some great (genuine) responses to his profile:
"N. London-based media type seeks f**king disaster of a girlfriend to help me f**k up my life good and proper before I finally wave goodbye to my 20s. Terrifying drink and drug problem and cavalier attitude to sexual health preferred.
My friends say variously that I'm a moral vacuum, bookish and cerebral, twattish, probably gay and I have a messiah complex."
All I need is a move to North London and the advert is written for me.
I wouldn't describe you as bookish and cerebral
but you should move to North London.
Nice
they have a "most popular" section:
http://dating.guardian.co.uk/s/find/popular.php
Hello Miss_Frenchy_S!!
Dear god
The guy I was talking about up there ^^ is on that list as well
Oh, this is priceless
Guys no. 17 Under_The_Inter_Net
is straight outta American Psycho
Hmmm, that's not my guy luckily
Lucky!
That thought did cross my mind.
I know a few folks on there
one of them got to number 3 most elligible (or whatever the chart thing is)
You're EXACTLY the type to put a profile on there
I have never done anything like this
We all know how you met your 'girl' 'friend' though will.
lol
How we all laugh at those who use the internet to meet people!
50%
that is soooo fucking expensive!
anyone wanna set up a joint account? We could pretty much convince people that we were schitsofrenic.
I might make a profile for a laugh and then post the results on here
you don't have to pay, if you don't want to write messages, right?