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Describe your journey to work in a series of tabloid-esque headlines

commandercool [Edit] [Delete] 73 replies 09:06, 28 October '08

Mine:

NAD-DESTROYING COLD!
MR "I TAKE UP THREE QUARTERS OF THE BUS SEAT"
WORKMEN RE-CREATE GHOSTBUSTERS 2!
DOG IN A BAG!
BIG-FACED COUPLE NEARLY MOWN DOWN!
THREATENING TRAMP TO KILL SOMETHING OR OTHER!

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  • THICK FOG PUTS "ME NAN'S PEA SOUP TO SHAME"

    gowman | 28 Oct '08, 09:08 | X
  • dog in a bag?????

    shocking stuff

    pretty_vacant | 28 Oct '08, 09:08 | X
    • "WORKMEN RE-CREATE GHOSTBUSTERS 2!"

      That's the one I want explained!

      TheoGB @pretty_vacant | 28 Oct '08, 09:10 | X
      • i know EXACTLY what he means

        IndieAndy_Jones @TheoGB | 28 Oct '08, 09:27 | X
        • What, they had a spooky portrait brought to life and had to animate the Statue of Liberty with ecto-plasmic goo?

          Yeah, I see that every morning now that you come to mention it.

          TheoGB @IndieAndy_Jones | 28 Oct '08, 10:06 | X
          • you don't remember the scene where

            they're digging up the road so that they can get down to the disused underground railway and the river of slime. They're posing as a works crew and then they get stopped by the Police and a guy from the electric company - Egon calls for "BOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!", and then Venkman appears (returning from the cafe with some coffee) and starts shouting at the Police for stopping Egon from working.

            IndieAndy_Jones @TheoGB | 28 Oct '08, 10:14 | X
            • I'd imagine that commanderboobs saw something similar to that

              IndieAndy_Jones @IndieAndy_Jones | 28 Oct '08, 10:15 | X
            • WINSTONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

              commandercool @IndieAndy_Jones | 28 Oct '08, 10:27 | X
            • I'd describe that as 'Workmen Recreate Ghostbusters 2 Scene'.

              TheoGB @IndieAndy_Jones | 28 Oct '08, 11:22 | X
              • and that's why your tabloid sucks

                alcxxk @TheoGB | 28 Oct '08, 11:32 | X
    • It was in a canvas shopping bag

      and its wee head was poking out! It was awesome!

      commandercool @pretty_vacant | 28 Oct '08, 09:10 | X
  • FUCK THIS LATE BUS CUNT

    SHRIEKS LOCAL MAN, 27

    colonol_k | 28 Oct '08, 09:20 | X
  • OVERWEIGHT AFRO-CARRIBEAN WOMAN IN RASTA HAT RIDES CHILDS SCOOTER, AND IT WAS RAINING!

    NSFW | 28 Oct '08, 09:20 | X
  • MAN IN BED HAVING RAMPENT NAZI ORGY WITH HIS HAND!!!

    tom_from_sparks | 28 Oct '08, 09:22 | X
    • Moseley falls on hard times.

      Verbal @tom_from_sparks | 28 Oct '08, 09:28 | X
  • Man, 31, in 'leaving the house late' shocker

    LIVING ROOM WINDOW

    Neighbours described how they looked out of their living room windows to see the man leaving 'around 15-20 minutes later than normal'

    DEFROST

    It is thought his journey was further delayed by the need to defrost his car

    LORRY

    Once he'd arrived at his destination, witnesses described how they heard him mutter something about 'getting caught behind a lorry' on his way to work

    Judge_B | 28 Oct '08, 09:25 | X
    • "He always seemes like such a normal man though"

      "I used to say hello to him sometimes, I never knew he was capable of such a crime"

      "Come to think about it, I did see he burnt his toast once"

      tom_from_sparks @Judge_B | 28 Oct '08, 09:30 | X
    • hahaha

      nice work with the Sun style random sub-headings

      theseabass @Judge_B | 28 Oct '08, 10:08 | X
  • :)

    ICE AND SNOW FALL ON SCOTLAND
    IGNORED TEXT MESSAGES CAUSES LATENESS STUDY CONFIRMS
    TRAFFIC INCREASES BLOOD PRESSURE
    "NEW GAS PIPELINES ARE A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY" SAYS LOCAL MAN
    CHARITY IS FOR LOSERS

    justanothersheeldz | 28 Oct '08, 09:27 | X
    • Have you actually had snow today?

      I'm hoping it decends on Edinburgh shortly.

      commandercool @justanothersheeldz | 28 Oct '08, 09:29 | X
      • Oh my yes.

        Not heavy in the city but real heavy stuff in the outside areas. Some cars are covered and schools are shut - it is pretty heavy up here. Not snowing right now..

        justanothersheeldz @commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 09:36 | X
    • Ah-ha

      you got there

      :D

      finchleydisco @justanothersheeldz | 28 Oct '08, 11:39 | X
  • Au contraire...

    ...didn't the government promise to 'spend out of recession' with Crossrail being top of the list?

    TheoGB @Jack_El_Biscuit | 28 Oct '08, 10:14 | X
  • World record '6.30am' get up attempt fails.

    shower curtain in fall down shocker.
    Lighter rendered useless in bitter cold.

    Verbal | 28 Oct '08, 09:29 | X
  • 'Bus horror at local request stop'

    AT LEAST TWENTY FEET PAST

    A man was today recuperating at work after being forced to walk slightly further than normal to catch his bus following an horrendously late application of the brakes from the driver, who stopped at least twenty feet past the stop, according to onlookers.

    WHERE HE'D ALREADY COME FROM

    The stopping actions of the driver inconvenienced the man to such an extent that he had to walk back in the direction he'd already come from to board the vehicle!

    HOLD TIGHT

    The horror continued when, on boarding the bus, the driver decided to speed off before any of the new passengers had gained there seats. As he closed the doors of the bus, the rastafarian driver was heard to say 'Hold tight!' as he put his foot to the floor. His action caused one man to stumble slightly.

    bamos | 28 Oct '08, 09:32 | X
    • "Hold tight"

      :D

      commandercool @bamos | 28 Oct '08, 09:36 | X
    • s'gonna be a BUMPY ride

      icouldwinarabbit @bamos | 28 Oct '08, 10:54 | X
    • *their seats.

      Tut-tut. These sub-eds are really getting shoddy.

      TheoGB @bamos | 28 Oct '08, 11:23 | X
  • YORKSHIREMAN EATS BREAKFAST OF CRUMPETS

    IN EDINBURGH GHETTO

    commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 09:32 | X
    • I've just realised how

      amazingly oxmoronical the phrase "Edinburgh ghetto" is :D

      commandercool @commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 09:33 | X
      • pollock halls?

        definitely no way they are escaping from there...

        BigMarty @commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 09:36 | X
        • I'm in Leith

          it's a tiny bit scary sometimes, which is as about as bad as it gets...

          Plus, Trainspotting was set here!!!

          commandercool @BigMarty | 28 Oct '08, 09:37 | X
          • last time i was in leith

            some wee boys were playing a variant of chicken whereby they had to run across the road in front of cars, and then steal a ladies handbag on the other side of the road
            its an alright wee place. some people might take offence to you saying it is in edinburgh though

            BigMarty @commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 09:41 | X
            • Haha, that sounds like a great game

              there's actually some areas around here which seem pretty posh!

              It's definitely in Edinburgh, I'll knife fight anyone who says different.

              commandercool @BigMarty | 28 Oct '08, 09:44 | X
          • leith is ace

            i loved living down there. where abouts are you?
            check out the italian patisserie on albert street for some mighty fine sweet and savoury snacks.

            Brooner @commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 10:13 | X
            • I'm on Links Place

              right next to the bowling greens. It's nice :)

              Have you ever been to Pierino's? Some of the best chips I've had in Edinburgh!

              commandercool @Brooner | 28 Oct '08, 10:26 | X
              • it is nice down there

                although i've never been to Pierino's but I've heard good reports. I wasn't one for hanging about down near salamander street tho :)

                Brooner @commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 10:43 | X
  • BENEFIT CHEAT IMMIGRANT HOODIES TAMPER WITH BIKE OVERNIGHT

    TEMPERATURES PLUMMET: WHAT WOULD DIANA DO?

    IndieAndy_Jones | 28 Oct '08, 09:38 | X
  • time to rip off The Onion a bit more

    - Area Man Consistently Gets Up Late And Yet Still Complains About It Each Time As Though It Was Someone Elses Fault
    - Uncertainty In The Markets: Area Man Uncertain Of What To Listen To On The Walk To Work
    - Frustration On The Streets: "Why Must I See Those Two Hot Girls Every Day Who I Will Never Get The Chance To Speak To?" Moans Area Man
    - Infrastructure Meltdown: Entire Top Section Of Umbrella Detaches In Wind. Area Man Reportedly "Unamused" By Development

    eschaton | 28 Oct '08, 09:38 | X
  • Vicky (36D, 28, 34) 22 from Dudley thinks that the recent financial crisis is hitting all of us hard, especially when crumpets have become 5p more expensive.

    tom_from_sparks | 28 Oct '08, 09:40 | X
    • Local man, 26, flies in the face of credit crunch, buys Co-op's poshest crumpets

      commandercool @tom_from_sparks | 28 Oct '08, 09:42 | X
      • you sicken me.

        Verbal @commandercool | 28 Oct '08, 09:43 | X
  • WOMAN IN TUBE POLE LEANING ERROR

    Shocked witnesses described incredibly frustrating scenes this morning on the Piccadilly line as a slender woman chose to lean against the pole in the centre of the carriage instead of holding onto it with a hand. Mr Snegway Ullipot of 23 The Mound, Holloway had this to say.
    "It was appauling. Instead of just holding onto the pole allowing other people to use it to, she effectively took it out of service completely by leaning against it with her whole body. Personally I just wanted to kick her fucking face in."
    More details to follow.

    Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 09:46 | X
    • LOL

      Mozalini @Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 10:14 | X
  • CONFUSION AT ZEBRA CROSSING AS CAR THINKS IT HAS RIGHT OF WAY

    moribund | 28 Oct '08, 09:47 | X
  • Nottingham resident widely avoids tram tragedy

    EASILY AVOIDED
    A routine walk to work didn't even come close to ending in disaster this morning as one man easily avoided being hit by a tram in the busy city-centre.

    SLOW AND STEADY PACE
    The incident occured as the man attempted to cross the road into Bridlesmith Gate. As the man crossed, a tram hurtled at a slow and steady pace along Cheapside. There was what has been described as a 'comfortable distance' between the man and the tram at the point of crossing.

    INCIDENT, THERE
    Since the incident, there has been no official comment from either Nottingham City Council or NET. The man is reported to be stable.

    sadpunk | 28 Oct '08, 09:52 | X
    • ^ Winner

      gowman @sadpunk | 28 Oct '08, 09:54 | X
    • 'comfortable distance' is the highlight. Hilarious!

      Emerald_Pilot @sadpunk | 28 Oct '08, 10:04 | X
    • Excrement :D

      NSFW @sadpunk | 28 Oct '08, 10:06 | X
  • BREAD AND TUTTER

    A sandwich van got stuck turning into London Bridge station this morning, blocking the path to Guy’s Hospital. Pedestrians were moved to ‘tut’ in exasperation and forced to find an alternative route. “Oh, it was a nightmare,” said one eye witness, “total nightmare.”

    marckee | 28 Oct '08, 09:54 | X
    • :D

      commandercool @marckee | 28 Oct '08, 10:03 | X
  • HOT-LOOKING GIRL FROM BEHIND "DID NOT HAVE FACE TO MATCH" CLAIMS LONDON MAN

    Shaftesbury Avenue, London: A man has told today of his disappointment at discovering that a woman he had been walking behind turned out to have a slightly bent face.

    Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 10:01 | X
    • :)

      sadpunk @Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 10:02 | X
    • Still would?

      Verbal @Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 10:02 | X
      • with a bag over the head, yeah!

        Emerald_Pilot @Verbal | 28 Oct '08, 10:06 | X
        • "Emerald_Pilot in 'anything will do on a Tuesday morning' claim."

          Verbal @Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 10:11 | X
    • :')

      pretty_vacant @Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 10:03 | X
    • Hahahaha

      That happens on the bus every fucking day!

      Mozalini @Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 10:15 | X
  • "THE SHOWER WENT TO HIS HEAD"

    "TIE-ING UP THE LOOSE ENDS - THE SHOE MUST GO ON"
    "IT'S GOOD TO WALK"

    basil | 28 Oct '08, 10:13 | X
  • KINGS CROSS ST. RANK ARSE

    Mystery commuter lets off at least 3 times in the space of 2 stop on the piccadilly line.

    HORROR
    Woman with oversized bag gives unwarranted upturned nose look.

    FATTY
    Overweight man with ill fitting shirt is prime suspect

    meths | 28 Oct '08, 10:13 | X
  • ANGRY COMMUTER IN NEAR HOMICIDAL ATTACK

    An angry commuter was today seen to be snarling at people who pushed up against him on a 29 bus.

    MORONIC

    The commuter, Mozalini, aged 72, was thought to have been on the verge of headbutting many fellow commuters who he believed to have pushed up against him awkwardly and unnecessarily, even being heard to mutter the words "moronic c#nts" under his breath at regular intervals.

    BLOWS

    In actual fact, he remained standing in exactly the same place for virtually the entire journey and failed to come to blows with anyone. He did however open a packet of salt and vinegar Real McCoys and eat them one by one, occasionally losing his footing and tripping. Following this, he eyed up some woman he sees most days on the 29, who helps ease the strain of the otherwise vile journey, although, in regular circumstances he has said to friends that he "probably wouldn't".

    EVIL

    The 29 bus is known for being unspeakably evil on almost all levels, and strikes fear into the hearts of pedestrians, cyclists, drivers, and the non-squalid, on almost an hourly basis. It is known for being a mugging 'hotspot' and a 'playground for pick-pockets'. It is also thought that the 29 contains roughly 16-19 sex offenders at any one time, some of whom are children.

    Mozalini | 28 Oct '08, 10:23 | X
    • So true.

      Emerald_Pilot @Mozalini | 28 Oct '08, 16:42 | X
      • It is also thought that the 29 contains roughly 16-19 sex offenders at any one time, some of whom are children.

        So so true

        finchleydisco @Emerald_Pilot | 28 Oct '08, 16:54 | X
  • 'All the windows were steamed up'

    'Hotel landlord made innappropriate remark to waitress, makes guest blush'
    'madman screams abuse at radio 4 in car'

    creakyknees | 28 Oct '08, 10:25 | X
  • VICTORIA LINE IN "BEING SHIT" SHOCKER

    FINCHLEYDISCO TAKES TRAIN TO STRATFORD IN FINANCIALLY CRIPPLING ERROR
    ABERDONIAN APPEARS IN WORK LATE - OIL PRICES RISE

    finchleydisco | 28 Oct '08, 11:12 | X
    • :D

      justanothersheeldz @finchleydisco | 28 Oct '08, 11:16 | X
      • ^ okay for you I can predict the Evening Express' headline tonight:

        WHITEOUT

        or

        N-EAST HIT BY FREAK BLIZZARDS

        (FFS It's October you bams)

        finchleydisco @justanothersheeldz | 28 Oct '08, 11:20 | X
  • Local cyclist BLASTS fitness fanatic found performing press-ups in busy cycle path.

    monpot | 28 Oct '08, 11:23 | X
    • headline:

      CYCLEPATH (above really shit cctv photos of man in jjb sports tracksuit)

      meths @monpot | 28 Oct '08, 11:25 | X
    • contd on page 8....

      Monpot, aged 25, was OUTRAGED to discover nearly half of the cycle path taken up by the lycra-clad health fiend’s training regime.

      ‘I had to stop to let an oncoming cyclist get by’ said the resident of Canton, Cardiff.

      It is understood that this stopping led to a loss of momentum, making the following uphill cycle a bit more of an effort.

      ‘I sarcastically said “BRILLIANT!” as I manouvered around him’ he went on to explain. ‘Hopefully he’ll think twice in future!’

      It is unknown at present whether this in anyway affected Monpot’s late arrival at the office.

      monpot @monpot | 28 Oct '08, 11:32 | X
  • Heeling Hands

    An unidentified woman was pleasantly suprised this morning when a stranger steadied her after she stumbled down a tube station escalator.

    DAFT TART

    The incident, in Bethnal Green, occurred when the woman apparently forgot she was wearing high heels and tried to run down the escalators at speed.

    WASN'T ACTUALLY GOING TO FALL

    She fell at least 1 step before a mystery stranger steadied her and she was able to regain her balence.

    HEALTH AND SAFETY

    A spokesperson for TFL commented: 'There are severe delays on the District, Hammersmith and City and Northern lines'.

    I_Have_An_Idea | 28 Oct '08, 11:30 | X
    • ^ best yet

      finchleydisco @I_Have_An_Idea | 28 Oct '08, 11:39 | X
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