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shocking stuff

SHRIEKS LOCAL MAN, 27

LIVING ROOM WINDOW

Neighbours described how they looked out of their living room windows to see the man leaving 'around 15-20 minutes later than normal'

DEFROST

It is thought his journey was further delayed by the need to defrost his car

LORRY

Once he'd arrived at his destination, witnesses described how they heard him mutter something about 'getting caught behind a lorry' on his way to work

ICE AND SNOW FALL ON SCOTLAND
IGNORED TEXT MESSAGES CAUSES LATENESS STUDY CONFIRMS
TRAFFIC INCREASES BLOOD PRESSURE
"NEW GAS PIPELINES ARE A WASTE OF TIME AND MONEY" SAYS LOCAL MAN
CHARITY IS FOR LOSERS

...didn't the government promise to 'spend out of recession' with Crossrail being top of the list?

shower curtain in fall down shocker.
Lighter rendered useless in bitter cold.

AT LEAST TWENTY FEET PAST

A man was today recuperating at work after being forced to walk slightly further than normal to catch his bus following an horrendously late application of the brakes from the driver, who stopped at least twenty feet past the stop, according to onlookers.

WHERE HE'D ALREADY COME FROM

The stopping actions of the driver inconvenienced the man to such an extent that he had to walk back in the direction he'd already come from to board the vehicle!

HOLD TIGHT

The horror continued when, on boarding the bus, the driver decided to speed off before any of the new passengers had gained there seats. As he closed the doors of the bus, the rastafarian driver was heard to say 'Hold tight!' as he put his foot to the floor. His action caused one man to stumble slightly.

IN EDINBURGH GHETTO

TEMPERATURES PLUMMET: WHAT WOULD DIANA DO?

- Area Man Consistently Gets Up Late And Yet Still Complains About It Each Time As Though It Was Someone Elses Fault
- Uncertainty In The Markets: Area Man Uncertain Of What To Listen To On The Walk To Work
- Frustration On The Streets: "Why Must I See Those Two Hot Girls Every Day Who I Will Never Get The Chance To Speak To?" Moans Area Man
- Infrastructure Meltdown: Entire Top Section Of Umbrella Detaches In Wind. Area Man Reportedly "Unamused" By Development

Shocked witnesses described incredibly frustrating scenes this morning on the Piccadilly line as a slender woman chose to lean against the pole in the centre of the carriage instead of holding onto it with a hand. Mr Snegway Ullipot of 23 The Mound, Holloway had this to say.
"It was appauling. Instead of just holding onto the pole allowing other people to use it to, she effectively took it out of service completely by leaning against it with her whole body. Personally I just wanted to kick her fucking face in."
More details to follow.

EASILY AVOIDED
A routine walk to work didn't even come close to ending in disaster this morning as one man easily avoided being hit by a tram in the busy city-centre.

SLOW AND STEADY PACE
The incident occured as the man attempted to cross the road into Bridlesmith Gate. As the man crossed, a tram hurtled at a slow and steady pace along Cheapside. There was what has been described as a 'comfortable distance' between the man and the tram at the point of crossing.

INCIDENT, THERE
Since the incident, there has been no official comment from either Nottingham City Council or NET. The man is reported to be stable.

A sandwich van got stuck turning into London Bridge station this morning, blocking the path to Guy’s Hospital. Pedestrians were moved to ‘tut’ in exasperation and forced to find an alternative route. “Oh, it was a nightmare,” said one eye witness, “total nightmare.”

Shaftesbury Avenue, London: A man has told today of his disappointment at discovering that a woman he had been walking behind turned out to have a slightly bent face.

"TIE-ING UP THE LOOSE ENDS - THE SHOE MUST GO ON"
"IT'S GOOD TO WALK"

Mystery commuter lets off at least 3 times in the space of 2 stop on the piccadilly line.

HORROR
Woman with oversized bag gives unwarranted upturned nose look.

FATTY
Overweight man with ill fitting shirt is prime suspect

An angry commuter was today seen to be snarling at people who pushed up against him on a 29 bus.

MORONIC

The commuter, Mozalini, aged 72, was thought to have been on the verge of headbutting many fellow commuters who he believed to have pushed up against him awkwardly and unnecessarily, even being heard to mutter the words "moronic c#nts" under his breath at regular intervals.

BLOWS

In actual fact, he remained standing in exactly the same place for virtually the entire journey and failed to come to blows with anyone. He did however open a packet of salt and vinegar Real McCoys and eat them one by one, occasionally losing his footing and tripping. Following this, he eyed up some woman he sees most days on the 29, who helps ease the strain of the otherwise vile journey, although, in regular circumstances he has said to friends that he "probably wouldn't".

EVIL

The 29 bus is known for being unspeakably evil on almost all levels, and strikes fear into the hearts of pedestrians, cyclists, drivers, and the non-squalid, on almost an hourly basis. It is known for being a mugging 'hotspot' and a 'playground for pick-pockets'. It is also thought that the 29 contains roughly 16-19 sex offenders at any one time, some of whom are children.

'Hotel landlord made innappropriate remark to waitress, makes guest blush'
'madman screams abuse at radio 4 in car'

FINCHLEYDISCO TAKES TRAIN TO STRATFORD IN FINANCIALLY CRIPPLING ERROR
ABERDONIAN APPEARS IN WORK LATE - OIL PRICES RISE

An unidentified woman was pleasantly suprised this morning when a stranger steadied her after she stumbled down a tube station escalator.

DAFT TART

The incident, in Bethnal Green, occurred when the woman apparently forgot she was wearing high heels and tried to run down the escalators at speed.

WASN'T ACTUALLY GOING TO FALL

She fell at least 1 step before a mystery stranger steadied her and she was able to regain her balence.

HEALTH AND SAFETY

A spokesperson for TFL commented: 'There are severe delays on the District, Hammersmith and City and Northern lines'.