The lump I address as girlfriend tried dumping me today. She claimed I don’t compliment her enough – so I retorted with knee-jerk viscosity ‘I’m impressed you’ve managed to keep that spittle on your chin longer than 10 days,’’ to which she replied ‘’Thanks for noticing,’’ – ‘Thanks for thanking me for noticing,’’ I said in a sharp retaliatory manner. Than we elapsed into a tangle of grandiloquent wordery and ‘Columbo’’-esque quips before she retracted like a pinched tortoise while I collected stars between my teeth.

It was also the day I decided to quit ingesting liquefied Speed at lunch times.