"about nine years ago i contracted cancer, got raped by a rottweiler, missed every bus i tried to catch May through to November, couldn't spell 'ceiling' no matter how hard i tried, builders freely urinated on my head as i walked through town, i kept getting mistaken for Phillip Nevill - yes, life was bad. but then when i was washing the urine off me at home, a song came on and i realised i could turn my life around."

cue "Because I Got High" by Afroman.