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Tell a joke, then fuck off.
Give it mouse to mouse resuscitation.
your username sounds a bit like mouse see?
Why did the pie cross the road?
Because he was meat n potato!
One was green, the other was going to Africa, too. The first one asks, "How much does a pound of fried nails cost?" The second one replies, "What shoes? I graduated long ago"
because property is theft
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
To visit its flat mate!
there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.
On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.
Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got
the boy his balls.
When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything
he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his
father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that
the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you
want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,
And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.
The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.
Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,
please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at
his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."
And then he died.
I just copied and pasted that version but if I tell it in 'real life' I normally make it last at least 10 minutes. The disappointment on people's faces makes it well worth the resentment they have towards you.
there's a tiny man, about a foot high playing a tiny piano in one corner of the room. he asks the barman what's going on and the barman points him towards an ornate lamp in the corner. he gives it a rub, and a genie pops out, offering the man a wish, which he whispers to the genie, who then disappears in a puff of smoke. suddenly a duck marches into the bar, followed by another and another until the whole place is full of ducks faffing about. the man says "i think that genie's a bit hard of hearing - i clearly asked for a million bucks". the barman says "well i worked that one out myself - you don't think i asked for a 12 inch pianist did you?". The barman wanted a bigger cock.
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. Unless the lightbulb is quite high up and somebody needs to hold the ladder
not being retarded.
She's got no legs.
She had no arms.
She had no friends.
roll up her sleeve
Cos Churchill played scissors and Hitler played paper.
And asks a class of children to tell him good patriotic slogans.
One stands up and shouts "Heil Hitler!"
"Very good," Goebbels says, "anyone else?"
"Deutschland uber alles!" another cries.
"Wonderful. Any others?"
"Our people will live for ever!"
"Excellent. What's your name, boy?"