that i was in the olympic 100m (running, sports ignants) final. but i was runinng late! and i couldn't find my spikes! but wait! i happened to be wearing trainers which had little screw holes for spikes in the bottom...strange, i'd never noticed this until now. now i only had to locate some spikes to put in them. i duly did this, but only had enough time to put in half of the spikes, so i decided i'd put in the ones which weren't actually spikes.

right, i was ready to leave. ten minutes to spare and only a volkswagen golf with an elastic band-operated engine for transport. undeterred, i drove my trusty german workhorse all the way to the fictional stadium in fictional town, where i argued with the receptionist that INDEED I AM DUE TO RUN IN THIS FINAL MADAM, AND IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU THEN YOU'LL LET ME PROCEED!

It was that point i noticed that i was only wearing a t-shirt, and if i ran the race the whole world would see my linfords flapping around in the midnight air. didn't even remember my spikes.

rhys ifans won it in the end in a world-record time of 9.1 seconds.