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If you want to talk about it of course.
wonder how many other bands and performers on here would say that!
rather than seeing the gf..
spending you last 10 pounds on the complete works of Mike Love instead of on the fooking leccy for your 14 kids would be a bit 'ish' of the self no?
kind of doing it at the mo. not proud. Thommo how did you get in my head?
though I'm not sure I deserve to!
You can't be more selfish than that !
A few years back, when I was living at home with my parents, I had been out on the town with my girlfriend, drinking heavily and doing a bit of smash to make our less than salubrious Reading surroundings that little bit enjoyable.
We were feeling a little frisky so decided to go back to my house when the pubs and clubs had shut at 2am. I shared a room with my little brother at the time, so the first thing I did when i arrived was creep up the stairs and remove my little brother from his bed, before gently co-ercing him, in his confused and sleepy state down the stairs and onto the sofa. "It's OK Mark" I whispered in his ear "You're just having a dream. Go back to sleep now". I dug out a natty old, musty smelling sleeping bag from out of a cupboard, flung it over him with complete disregard for his comfort, before giving my girlfriend, who had been waiting patiently in the kitchen the all clear.
We moved up the creaking stairs and into the bedroom. I shut the door and tried to block the glass pane above it with some FHM magazines, in an attempt to stop the escaping light from waking my parents. As i was doing this she removed her clothes and laid seductively on the bottom of my bunk beds and watched me quietly cursing as i struggled to get the magazines to stay into place. Eventually, horniness prevailed and i gave up, removed my clothes and went to climb in next to her. As soon as my knee hit the mattress the wooden bed gave out a loud creak. These beds had been in my family before i was born. One of my earliest memories was falling out from the top bunk and smashing my head on the floor, resulting in my first trip to hospital since birth and now here they were conspiring against me again to fuck me up and stop me from getting my groove on with my ridiculous drunk missus.
Thinking quickly, I pulled the duvet off the bed and laid it down on the floor, before pulling my girlfriend out next and putting her ontop of it. The ritual began and we were soon quietly rolling around on my bedroom floor, knocking over my little brothers Lego Techniques kit and cracking the plastic boxes of his Playstation 1 games with our clumsy lovemaking. Before long my girlfriend gave the signal to say that she was about to reach her peak, which was usually my cue to start drilling as hard as possible in an attempt to climax together and then go straight to sleep. But I could feel nothing. After a day of drinking and drug taking I was completely dead from the waist down. This was gonna take a while. After a few more minutes I could see that my girlfriend was beginning to lose interest with me rutting away ontop of her. "Are you nearly finished? I'm really tired and i want to go to sleep".
"Shhhhh!" I snapped, "I think i was nearly there then and now you've stopped me. Don't put me off!!!"
"Oh for fucks sake!" she replied and then just looked up towards the ceiling with complete disinterest. I bravely continued on my quest. I wasn't going to let a mere moaning young women from stopping me winning this battle. If I were to surrender now I would surely succumb to the dreaded Blue Balls and spend a night in unrivalled agony whilst she slept oblivious and unsympathetic to my plight. I continued.
A few more minutes later, whilst i had been concerntrating with all my might on keeping sexy thoughts while staring with tunnel like vision at one of the fallen FHM magazines on the floor across the room, I looked down at my girlfriends face to see that she had fallen fast asleep. Her eyes were closed and her head had fallen to one side. There was dribble trickling out the side of her mouth and her nose had begun to make a light snorting sound.
"The fucking selfish bitch!!" I thought to myself as i tried to wake her by thrusting with more vigour than ever. But she didn't even stir. "Nobody could actually fall asleep whilst having sex?", i mused "And certainly not a woman with someone huffing and puffing ontop of her, with their penis (no matter the size) jabbing furiously into them".
I reconciled that if she was feigning sleep then I'd continue, undeterred by her clearly audible fake snoring, and she'd have to break character soon. And, if she was actually asleep then that wasn't my fault. This wasn't rape. Was it? She was my girlfriend and had initially consented to sex. It wasn't my fault if I was such a stallion that she couldn't hack the pace and ridiculous length of time it was taking me to shoot the cat. No, this definitely wasn't rape.
I continued with gusto, but soon the sight of the dribbling, comatose girl beneath me became less than erotic. The smudged make up and the sleeping look on her face were actually curtailing my desire and could only serve to extend this rather soulless experience even further into the night. My knees were hurting now as they scratched against the harsh pile of the floor. I could feel the pain in my knees but still nothing from my loins. I took the executive decision that something would have to change. I would have to find something new, something more sexually arousing, something less asleep to look at while i humped away at her.
Without stopping all together, I reached over to my bedside table and pulled out the bottom drawer to reveal my porno mag stash. In one deft move I lifted a magazine out, flipped it open and lay it on the floor so i could gawp at the surgically enhanced, airbrushed ladies inside. This was it! This would certainly help me achieve my messy goal. But there was still the small matter of my girlfriends offputting face to contend with. No matter how much I tried to concerntrate on the delightful grot mag before me, I was always drawn back to her drooling face.
"Can I do this?", I thought. "Can i balance this porno mag over her face without waking her?" If she hadn't woken by now then surely she'd sleep through me covering up her face with a year old copy of Razzle. I lifted the magazine off the floor and draped it over her face. She didn't move or stir and inch. "Two birds, one stone!", I thought. In one move of complete genius and stealth I had managed to block out the unsightly distraction of her sleeping face and replace it with the visual delights of some naked bird called Cherie who was infinitely more asthetically pleasing than the slumbering heap on my bedroom floor. I was surely on my way to victory now. I rutted away faster than ever, like a Grand National jockey on the home straight after negotiating the final, most difficult hurdle. Here it comes, i thought, here it comes! But then just as I was reaching my ends the bedroom door burst open "Mark! WHY have you got your bedroom light on at this ho....oh!"
My mum stopped mid sentence and stood in the doorway. She had merely come to tell her 11 year old son to turn his light off but was confronted with her naked 19 year old one instead. Her tired mind struggled to comprehend what she was seeing. Was she dreaming that her second born and favourite sun was having sex with a clearly asleep girl with a porno magazine over her face on the bedroom floor? Would I be able to get up and quietly usher her back to bed, like I had done with my younger brother, and convince her it was all a horrible horrible dream? That was doubtful.
"Oh fuck! Mum!", I squealed as I jumped to my feet, stark bollock naked, reaching down to grab the copy of Razzle off my girlfriends face as i did so in an effort to hide my erect little fella from my mothers view, whilst also revealing the true identity of my tired lady friend in one final act of humiliation. She looked at me, then she looked at the naked girl fast asleep on the floor and then looked at me again. I can't say what was going through her head at the time but i attempted to guess. She had never met this girl before and she may well have thought that she had just played witness to her beloved son rohypnol raping a defenceless young lady. I attempted to interject these thoughts before her tired brain had time to calculate the horrific scene before her.
"Um, it's OK Mum. This is my girlfriend Jess. You know, the one I was telling you about? I was just trying to wake her up", I lied.
I think my dear old mother must have taken the decision that there was little she could say at this hour of night that would help the situation she had walked in on; "Just get both of you into bed and turn out the light. It's nearly 4 o'clock in the bloody morning!" she said sternly, before taking a step backwards, reached out for the door handle and began shuting the door behind her. Just as she did so I could see her head drop and I knew that i probably hadn't heard the end of this.
I looked at my girlfriend still asleep on the floor. The game was up, i couldn't continue now. It would be just wrong. Plain wrong! I would have to give into the dreaded Blue Balls and stomach pains from Hell this time. I knelt next to her, put my hands on her shoulders and gently shook her, "Jess! Jess! Wake up, you've fallen asleep, darling", I said softly. She fucking typically woke up straight away this time, which would leave any logical person to believe that their lovemaking was as potent as a gentle shake of the shoulders.
"Huh! Did I? Sorry!" she mumbled, with that confused look you always get from a person you've just woken up.
"Yes, Babe. You fell asleep. It was a long day though, wasn't it. Come on! Lets get you into bed!" and i gently lifted her off the floor and eased her into the creaking bottom bunk. I kissed her goodnight and looked at her as she fell straight back to sleep, completely oblivious to the horrific situation that she had just played a major a role in and i would do my level best to make sure it stayed that way forever.
it warranted a re-read.
I'm so lonely. I need to feel the love from other people.
Can we have a scutterbucket 'greatest posts' thread please?
you just post a thread and paste some of these stories in? I've read the one about your mate shagging the fat italian whore and the one about that job interview, I'd like to read some more.
people would think I was some narcisstic, self obsessed toss pot.
I could, however, post most of the stories if someone else were to start such a thread; in which everyone must tell me how great I am.
I keep eating my roommates chocolate digestives
when I was younger.
Then it happened to me more recently so fairs fair.
I think I've got a clean slate in that department now.
I wouldn't do it again
and not even calling my mum to tell her i was okay before i flew out.