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i will be doing it again later this afternoon
I feel like it was my own fault.
Probably yesterday, probably several times.
I got in from band practice at 10.30, and proceded to make pancakes, then ate 7 or 8 of them. How I'm not a fat fuck I will never know.
anyway, i feel a story coming on from you?
couple of weeks ago. wasn't a great feeling.
I'll tell a story if you will.
having been in an open relationship, i slept with someone and my beau decided that no, this wasn't going to work - as she was fucking livid. so we decided to be faithful. in fairness im sure she had had some one-night stands in the previous few months we've been squelching and i was fine with that but it was the circumstances of my straying i think (too long a story).
i agreed to this faithfulness with certainly the best intentions as i am really very fond of this lady. unfortunately a girl who i have something of a history with rung me up and asked me to work on running a magazine with her so came to leeds to discuss. we ended up finishing 2/3 bottles of wine and ended up in bed together. cue much drunken sex that had been building for years.
this could be forgiven. unfortunately we did it again in the morning and i was over and hour late for work. as we lay i post-orgasmic guilt i realised that isn't really excusable. i felt reeeeeally shitty. she also has a long-term boyfriend.
havnt felt that disgusted at myself in a long time. despite a general lack of willpower that was the first time i've ever slept with someone else after saying i'd be faithful. massive :(
Dear god no
much her fault as it is yours.
plus, starting from an open relationship is never going to be a succesful one
well, we were open because i didn't want anything serious and neither did she as she'd just come out of a 2 year relationship. also, most of our shared friendship group subscribe to fairly liberated sexual politics so it's not that out of place. we were basically just fucking and having fun and not being exclusive.
he had a hot tub.
there were not attractive girls there at all, and i had to make the night more interesting.
this one girl, who was faaaaaaaaaat tried chatting me up, and for some reason i started snogging her. When talking to her later i found out she was bigger than a size 18(?) and couldnt fit in skinny jeans. so she wore leggings/tights instead. She definately weighed more than me, and i'm 13 1/2 stone.
Her mate wanted to snog me too, but she had to get permission from teh other girl to make sure it was ok. they had an arguement and i told them they could share me. She was equally horrific, but i kinda snogged her as i thought why the hell not.
Then to get the two of them to 'proper lezz up' i had to kiss some random dude at the party. They then made out, with tongues and everything, it was a fat lovers dream, i was starting to question my morals and what the hell i was doing around this time.
I then took one of them to the bedroom to get some swimshorts on for the hot tub, got naked and tried it on with her, but she wasnt having any sexy naked time. I put my shorts on feeling dejected and went to the tub.
She was still fine giving me a handjob and snogging me in the hot tub, and i preceeded to spend the rest of the night snogging them both whilst getting groped in the hot tub. to be fair, there were a lot of hands and i cannot be sure who's was who's and who i was touching towards the end of the night.
I have deleted all photographic evidence of these elephants and am disgusted that i even snogged one, let alone two, add on kissing another guy to see them snog, and got rejected on the sex front whilst standing stark bollock naked, then even worse continuing to snog them for the rest of the night. Boredom and a long dry patch do bad things to me.
You've earned your place in heaven.
but now i am just DiSappointed in myself and feel really disgusted that i went there because honestly, these women would be at home on the Jeremy Kyle show.
i might die if i miss a story by SCUTTERBUCKET etc.
Sarcasm certainly doesn't suit you.
your stories are good though ill give you that, just people go a bit over the top, and you love it you swine
I do love it and it's a welcome distraction from work (masturbating).
you'd write it quicker
about a heavily pregnant girl from the office not so long ago.
We were in the pub chatting about women and it came round to him, lets call him simon. Simon's girlfriend was uber hot, like UBER hot and he explained that the sex wasnt that good. He went on to explain, that he would shag his hot girlfriend, then creep upstairs to her fat flatmates room, and fuck her senseless because, as he put it "she's fat and ugly so makes far more of an effort, remember boys, fat and ugly, they really make the effort to please you as they are grateful for what they get"
i did yesterday
because you didn't eat it all?
It was horrific. Only those that really need to know the details do and even they wish they didn't.
A few years back, when I was living at home with my parents, I had been out on the town with my girlfriend, drinking heavily and doing a bit of smash to make our less than salubrious Reading surroundings that little bit enjoyable.
We were feeling a little frisky so decided to go back to my house when the pubs and clubs had shut at 2am. I shared a room with my little brother at the time, so the first thing I did when i arrived was creep up the stairs and remove my little brother from his bed, before gently co-ercing him, in his confused and sleepy state down the stairs and onto the sofa. "It's OK Mark" I whispered in his ear "You're just having a dream. Go back to sleep now". I dug out a natty old, musty smelling sleeping bag from out of a cupboard, flung it over him with complete disregard for his comfort, before giving my girlfriend, who had been waiting patiently in the kitchen the all clear.
We moved up the creaking stairs and into the bedroom. I shut the door and tried to block the glass pane above it with some FHM magazines, in an attempt to stop the escaping light from waking my parents. As i was doing this she removed her clothes and laid seductively on the bottom of my bunk beds and watched me quietly cursing as i struggled to get the magazines to stay into place. Eventually, horniness prevailed and i gave up, removed my clothes and went to climb in next to her. As soon as my knee hit the mattress the wooden bed gave out a loud creak. These beds had been in my family before i was born. One of my earliest memories was falling out from the top bunk and smashing my head on the floor, resulting in my first trip to hospital since birth and now here they were conspiring against me again to fuck me up and stop me from getting my groove on with my ridiculous drunk missus.
Thinking quickly, I pulled the duvet off the bed and laid it down on the floor, before pulling my girlfriend out next and putting her ontop of it. The ritual began and we were soon quietly rolling around on my bedroom floor, knocking over my little brothers Lego Techniques kit and cracking the plastic boxes of his Playstation 1 games with our clumsy lovemaking. Before long my girlfriend gave the signal to say that she was about to reach her peak, which was usually my cue to start drilling as hard as possible in an attempt to climax together and then go straight to sleep. But I could feel nothing. After a day of drinking and drug taking I was completely dead from the waist down. This was gonna take a while. After a few more minutes I could see that my girlfriend was beginning to lose interest with me rutting away ontop of her. "Are you nearly finished? I'm really tired and i want to go to sleep".
"Shhhhh!" I snapped, "I think i was nearly there then and now you've stopped me. Don't put me off!!!"
"Oh for fucks sake!" she replied and then just looked up towards the ceiling with complete disinterest. I bravely continued on my quest. I wasn't going to let a mere moaning young women from stopping me winning this battle. If I were to surrender now I would surely succumb to the dreaded Blue Balls and spend a night in unrivalled agony whilst she slept oblivious and unsympathetic to my plight. I continued.
A few more minutes later, whilst i had been concerntrating with all my might on keeping sexy thoughts while staring with tunnel like vision at one of the fallen FHM magazines on the floor across the room, I looked down at my girlfriends face to see that she had fallen fast asleep. Her eyes were closed and her head had fallen to one side. There was dribble trickling out the side of her mouth and her nose had begun to make a light snorting sound.
"The fucking selfish bitch!!" I thought to myself as i tried to wake her by thrusting with more vigour than ever. But she didn't even stir. "Nobody could actually fall asleep whilst having sex?", i mused "And certainly not a woman with someone huffing and puffing ontop of her, with their penis (no matter the size) jabbing furiously into them".
I reconciled that if she was feigning sleep then I'd continue, undeterred by her clearly audible fake snoring, and she'd have to break character soon. And, if she was actually asleep then that wasn't my fault. This wasn't rape. Was it? She was my girlfriend and had initially consented to sex. It wasn't my fault if I was such a stallion that she couldn't hack the pace and ridiculous length of time it was taking me to shoot the cat. No, this definitely wasn't rape.
I continued with gusto, but soon the sight of the dribbling, comatose girl beneath me became less than erotic. The smudged make up and the sleeping look on her face were actually curtailing my desire and could only serve to extend this rather soulless experience even further into the night. My knees were hurting now as they scratched against the harsh pile of the floor. I could feel the pain in my knees but still nothing from my loins. I took the executive decision that something would have to change. I would have to find something new, something more sexually arousing, something less asleep to look at while i humped away at her.
Without stopping all together, I reached over to my bedside table and pulled out the bottom drawer to reveal my porno mag stash. In one deft move I lifted a magazine out, flipped it open and lay it on the floor so i could gawp at the surgically enhanced, airbrushed ladies inside. This was it! This would certainly help me achieve my messy goal. But there was still the small matter of my girlfriends offputting face to contend with. No matter how much I tried to concerntrate on the delightful grot mag before me, I was always drawn back to her drooling face.
"Can I do this?", I thought. "Can i balance this porno mag over her face without waking her?" If she hadn't woken by now then surely she'd sleep through me covering up her face with a year old copy of Razzle. I lifted the magazine off the floor and draped it over her face. She didn't move or stir and inch. "Two birds, one stone!", I thought. In one move of complete genius and stealth I had managed to block out the unsightly distraction of her sleeping face and replace it with the visual delights of some naked bird called Cherie who was infinitely more asthetically pleasing than the slumbering heap on my bedroom floor. I was surely on my way to victory now. I rutted away faster than ever, like a Grand National jockey on the home straight after negotiating the final, most difficult hurdle. Here it comes, i thought, here it comes! But then just as I was reaching my ends the bedroom door burst open "Mark! WHY have you got your bedroom light on at this ho....oh!"
My mum stopped mid sentence and stood in the doorway. She had merely come to tell her 11 year old son to turn his light off but was confronted with her naked 19 year old one instead. Her tired mind struggled to comprehend what she was seeing. Was she dreaming that her second born and favourite sun was having sex with a clearly asleep girl with a porno magazine over her face on the bedroom floor? Would I be able to get up and quietly usher her back to bed, like I had done with my younger brother, and convince her it was all a horrible horrible dream? That was doubtful.
"Oh fuck! Mum!", I squealed as I jumped to my feet, stark bollock naked, reaching down to grab the copy of Razzle off my girlfriends face as i did so in an effort to hide my erect little fella from my mothers view, whilst also revealing the true identity of my tired lady friend in one final act of humiliation. She looked at me, then she looked at the naked girl fast asleep on the floor and then looked at me again. I can't say what was going through her head at the time but i attempted to guess. She had never met this girl before and she may well have thought that she had just played witness to her beloved son rohypnol raping a defenceless young lady. I attempted to interject these thoughts before her tired brain had time to calculate the horrific scene before her.
"Um, it's OK Mum. This is my girlfriend Jess. You know, the one I was telling you about? I was just trying to wake her up", I lied.
I think my dear old mother must have taken the decision that there was little she could say at this hour of night that would help the situation she had walked in on; "Just get both of you into bed and turn out the light. It's nearly 4 o'clock in the bloody morning!" she said sternly, before taking a step backwards, reached out for the door handle and began shuting the door behind her. Just as she did so I could see her head drop and I knew that i probably hadn't heard the end of this.
I looked at my girlfriend still asleep on the floor. The game was up, i couldn't continue now. It would be just wrong. Plain wrong! I would have to give into the dreaded Blue Balls and stomach pains from Hell this time. I knelt next to her, put my hands on her shoulders and gently shook her, "Jess! Jess! Wake up, you've fallen asleep, darling", I said softly. She fucking typically woke up straight away this time, which would leave any logical person to believe that their lovemaking was as potent as a gentle shake of the shoulders.
"Huh! Did I? Sorry!" she mumbled, with that confused look you always get from a person you've just woken up.
"Yes, Babe. You fell asleep. It was a long day though, wasn't it. Come on! Lets get you into bed!" and i gently lifted her off the floor and eased her into the creaking bottom bunk. I kissed her goodnight and looked at her as she fell straight back to sleep, completely oblivious to the horrific situation that she had just played a major a role in and i would do my level best to make sure it stayed that way forever.
My mum never mentioned it again. Jess thought she met my for the first time the next morning and gave her a hug and they spent breakfast chatting, with me feeling more awkward than a prostitute at a chastity convention as i desperately tried to get her out of the house.
And she never ever suspected a thing until i ran into her a month or so ago and drunkenly blurted out the sorry tale thinking that, with all those years gone by, that she'd find it highly amusing. She didn't. Some girls have no sense of humour.
and everyone on DiS
But i genuinely thought she'd find it amusing and we could have a bloody good laugh about it, much in the same way I did when I told the story to absolutely everyone i knew straight after it had happened.
A+ would read again.
will there be a part 2?
But i'm emotionally and creatively spent now.
Thank you dear scutterbucket.
Are you actually a ghost writer for Peep Show? This is like Series 1 & 2 gold.
Peep Show: The College Years.
I was 'getting down to it' with a girl that I'd brought home, in the wee small hours when I was seventeen. The thing was though, that I had a single bed, and the bed happened to have a radiator running down one side of it. The radiator was pretty squeaky, and could be heard all over the house, but because I was drunk, I thought nothing of it. After slamming the distinctly average girl for about 3 minutes, she suddenly went limp. I carried on for a bit, but she wasn't really going for it. I asked her what was up, and she told me that my dad had opened the door and walked in to check that I was ok. I hadn't even slowed down. The next day my dad came into my room, and seemed to try to give me 'the talk' (at the age of seventeen), and gave me some condoms, then told me not to mention the whole saga to my mum (as if I would).
At my 21'st my mum told everyone the story, as a REALLY FUNNY JOKE.
I woke up with my bed in the middle of the room and sick all over the floor/my stuff. I had to spend an hour cleaning it all up and washing it all down. I'd somehow managed to strip my bedsheet of in the night and put on a new one and when I opened the one that was in a heap on the floor it was covered in my semi-dried vomit. Thoroughly unpleasant.
you bunch of emos
I egged a cat once. Also trod on a koi carp and puked on a friend's hamster, killing it. The last two were in the space of 2 hours.
but I think it's how he would have wanted to go.
whilst trying to do backstroke in a tide of puke?
my mate was well annoyed. Puked on his Snes too.
and my legs!
Are you a giant fly?
the hamster being small and the puke rising to a level above its little hamster face.
what the fuck!
Did you deliberately sick in its cage? Or did you decant it into a glass first and then boff on it?
and thought it would be fun to blow my nose. It was awesome.
and feel completely repulsed by it?
(I haven't actually shagged a fatty)
about getting eaten afterwards, a bit like a praying mantis or something.)
this thread is proving to be a little disgusting in itself!
about a boy in my school called joe redding and i can't work out if its stalking/bullying or not.
I was in my first year of Uni and my sister had come up to visit for a day or two. I was 18, she was 16 and i was supposed to be looking after her and not letting her get too drunk.
The first night, a thursday night, we went out to a student night at Brannigans, with all my flatmates. As we all got drunkererer i ended up doing the old tonsil tennis and cpt birdseye with this chick on the dancefloor. She seemed keen so, in a moment of drunken bastardness, i told my sister to hang with my flatmates, i was taking this (very unattractive) girl back to my room. My mate said he'd give up his bed for my sister and i told her not to let him rape her and if he did scream and bite and kick.
I got back to mine and rolled a spliff, opened a can of beer and turned on the TV, it was during the World Cup i believe, and watching MOTD. As the girl returned from the toilet i was sat there in my pants, smoking a spliff, watching football and drinking a beer. Priceless. She was not amused and seemed hungry so hungry in fact she couldnt wait for me to finish the joint before she got a meal. in other words, BJ. As i'm thoroughly enjoying myself in my most manlyest of manly moments in my entire life i hear my flatmates come home.
we get down to business, and i'm enjoying myself only to hear laughter outside my door. I ignore it, and keep ploughing the furrow; it seems to be reaping rewards for her anyway. I hear banging on my door and ignore it, before hearing louder, harder bangs and cheering. There was also a sound of metal and wheels.
Determined not to make my flatmates ruin the evening for me, i carried on.
a few moments later its over, but the banging, cheering and shouting is still going on, so i go to my door to look out of the peep hole. whilst there i can see the whole way down the corridor as i am on the end room, and see a blur in the distance which is growing closer, and louder, and coming faster and faster towards me. The noise i've been hearing was my flatmates, my sister included, running a shopping trolley with a person inside along the corridor in a makeshift attempt at a battering ram to break into my room. The bastards.
It didn’t end there, i managed to get rid of them, and get back to the girl in my bed.
When i woke up in the morning, i opened my door to walk her to the lift (hell, i wasn’t walking her to the taxi rank, fuck that) and stepped out to see my entire flat had lined the route to the lift, clapping us and patting us on the back as we walked through. The bastards.
for leaving her in the company of my housemates while i got busy.
To be fair, add to that sleeping with her best mate and this one time where my girlfriend at the time got her so drunk she went hysterical and passed out, i'm amazed we still speak to each other at all
a BJ.". You sound like a guy who hasn't really had sex.
Fucking students! Literally- fucking students!
Kudos to you, Sir!