Boards

I just don't see what there is to get off on whilst surrounded with vacuous, drooling perverts / stag nights / students who've just moved out from home (delete as applicable) and dancers who i doubt are anything near jaw-droppingly attractive.

It almost seems like one of these novelty, impulsive ideas that seems like a great idea at the time but in hindsight was a waste of cash and you feel really seedy afterwards. Like visiting Blackpool.

Scutterbucket's bedtime stories

The last time I was in a strip club was around 3 years ago on one of my best friends stag do in Budapest and it was a rather soul destroying experience to say the least. There was about 10 of us there and we had been out drinking all day. For some reason, rather than just have our own cash, another one of my friends insisted that we clubbed our money into a kitty for the day and just bought massive rounds. A simple enough idea but it ultimately led to later complications as to who had put in what and a few unnecessary rows broke out over the course of the day. It had been a long, hazy drunken first day, which ended up with us being in the VIP area of this rather natty strip club. I had arranged for the Stag to have a private dance with two of the ladies of his choice. I'm not sure if any of you have ever been but there's no such thing as the No Touching rule in Hungary. Basically, you can do what you want and if you've got the cash you can really really really do just about anything your sad heart desires. I had a girlfriend at the time, coupled with the fact that the thought of paying someone to pretend they're enjoying dancing for you does absolutely nothing for me, so i was just sat at the bar having a drink and watching the girls float around in their skimpiest of skimpies. It was my turn to get the round in so i took control of the kitty and made sure everyone topped it up with 200 each of the local currency. When i went back to the bar I noticed that some idiot had put 2000 (about £60) in instead of 200 into the pot. If i went back to each of them and asked who had made the mistake, they would all undoubtably claim it was them and another needless row would ensue. So i took the executive and noble decision to keep quiet about the error. Everyone was smashed and if i just spent the money on a quick private dance with two of the pneumatic lovelies in there everyone would be none the wiser and i would be the secret hero/peacemaker of the hour. So i quickly made my choice and targetted a blonde and a brunette for a little menage a trois. They took me by the hand, relieved me of my ill-gotten money and led me away to a curtained booth on the other side of the seedily lit room. In side of the room they immediately got down to their act and began gyrating away to the excruiating Euro Pop tones that were being blasted about the club. Having only just discovered that they didn't operate a strict No Touching policy, I wasted no time in going straight for their fake boobies. This was all great I thought, but i soon remembered why I had such an aversion to paying for this kind of thing when the two girls started talking to eachother in Pig Latin and completely ignored me. I had no idea what they were talking about but they were talking about it with such little enthusiasm that it was probably something as mundane as what they had had for dinner or something equally unsexy. After a minute or so of putting up with them rabbiting on and ignoring me completely, i kicked up a bit of a stink by reminding them that i was still there and that if they wanted to talk they could do it on their own time. They must have understood what i said because they immediately turned their attentions to me. Due to a serious cheese addiction i was then battling, I was a couple fo stone overweight at the time and when one of them started pulling up my t-shirt, I got indredibly uncomfortable and immediately started pulling it down again before reminding her that i wasn't the one who was supposed to be getting naked here.
"Whazza madder, Teddy Bear" the other one said in pidgin English.
"Teddy Bear!" I retorted "Fucking Teddy Bear!!!"
"Aaah Teddy Bear!!!" The other one giggled as she pulled up my t-shirt and poked me in my flabby belly, before the two of them burst into laughter and continued to talk to eachother in a language i could ill understand. Well this was the giddy limit! I had paid these women to do a sexy dance for me but had somehow found myself becoming the victim of their nasty abuse about my weight as they danced half-arsed and chatted about their fucking kids or something. For the remaining two minutes or so I sat with my arms folded, sulking and waiting for this shitty experience to end. When the music stopped the girls pulled back the curtains and i got out of there as soon as i could. As i walked dejectedly back to the bar, both strippers shouted out "Bye bye, Teddy Bear" and waved and giggled at me as i huffed off. Unfortunately, a couple fo my friends heard these hurtful Teddy Bear jibes and they ribbed me mercilessly with that name for months and months endlessly until i could finally take no more and went and lost some weight.
And the worst of all this story is that when i went to the bar after the dance to drown my sorrows, I looked in my wallet and discovered that the idiot who had put the £60 into the kitty by accident was none other than me.