I was away in Scotland all week and didn't return until 10pm cos my shitey easyjet flight was delayed.
On the way back I got a call from a sometimes friend of mine asking if i wanted to see her. After a week of enjoying nothing but my own company in a Holiday Inn this seemed like a reasonably good idea, even if she did have past history of being a nut. By the time she came around I was thoroughly knackered and told her so. She pulled out a little bag out of her purse and knocked up a couple of lines. I don't really ever do coke but i was tired and seeing as she had come all the way over to my house i didn't want to be rude by yawning and being grumpy all night. So this sequence was repeated for a while until the tiredness subsided, only to be replaced by a monumental headache. I told her about it and she said she had some very strong painkillers in her bag and pulled out two little blue plastic capsules. Without thinking i swallowed them down and tried to forget about it. About 20 minutes later i noticed my heart rate was getting faster, my vision was going blurry and red and my head was swimming. At first i thought it was the coke but when she noticed i was in some discomfort she turned to me and said with a smile "I've got a confession, they weren't pain killers. They were viagra type pills that i bought in Thailand", before she set about laughing. Her laughter soon stopped when i spent the next hour laying on the sofa with my sweating profusely, eyes bulging and my heart trying to beat out of my chest. I honestly thought it was going to explode. The strange thing is absolutely nothing happened below the waistline at all. That was until when i woke up this morning, long after i had kicked her out for spiking me, with the erection from hell. This was no ordinary morning wood. It was actually incredibly painful and i briefly considered seeking medical attention when it hit hour 3 and the fucker still hadn't gone down, until i considered just how awkward that conversation at the hospital would be.
Eventually i plucked up the courage to sit in a a cold bath for half an hour, had multiple painful wanks and just tried to go about my daily business until, 4 hours later, the fucker went down. Now it looks old and shrivelled, like a 70 year olds penis with the skin all stretched and it still fucking hurts. I'm thinking of bandaging it up to negate the risk of permanent damage.
I phoned up the girl in question to try and explain to her exactly what she had done and she just shrugged it off in the typical way women do when they have absolutely no idea just how sensitive that area is for blokes, like those feminist idiots who think childbirth is worse than getting a kick in the knackers.
Anyway, i'm a bit annoyed about the whole situation, it's nearly ruined a day out of my weekend, and her complete disregard for my health frustrates me further. How can i seek retribution?