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have any of you ever pulled a muscle whilst sexing?
i've done my groin in
My friend told me he had 'Sanpped his banjo string' whilst making the love.
I didn't know what he was on about so I told him to go and buy some more.
Then he explained to me. *shudders*
..didn't sound too nice.
as my mate who'd done it explained
Not as bad as Lesley Ash though...
It really hurt, and I bled quite a lot. I still completed the hot 37 seconds of loving though. I was sure not to let any fluids in MY wound.
it really does
but not all at once, mercifully. I think that would be enough to put me off the whole bizarre sweaty horizontal dance.
Dislocated his shoulder. I'm still not sure how he managed tht.
At Reading Festival 2006, I had been split up with my longterm girlfriend for little over a month when i saw her walking around arm in arm with some other prick. In fact, we weren't really split up properly, just going through the motions like we always did. The festival is always a drink and drug fuelled time but seeing that put me on a downwards spiral of misery, which resulted in me eating a shitload of magic mushrooms. You should only partake in mushrooms if you're feeling on top of your game, so doing them when you've just had your heart ripped in two is a fucking stupid idea. About half an hour later they started to kick in and i was struck by an overwhelming urge to start booing. I literally couldn't stop myself as the tears started to flow and was surrounded by a group of mates who didn't have a fucking clue what to do. After about 10 minutes it became ridiculous! I was aware i was crying but couldn't do a thing to stop so i just tried to carry on what i was doing by watching bands and drinking. I was laughing and chatting with my mates but i just could not stop crying as the mushrooms riddled my mind. I can't remember who we were watching but i was stood up drinking my beer and noticed that there was an exclusion zone of about 5 metres either side of me as all these people were staring at the weirdo tripping his nuts off, crying his heart out but continuing to watch the band. Eventually this women came up to me. She must have been about 30 and she had these orange ball light things on two bits of string that she was swinging around her head. You know, those hippy twats who bring circus equipment to a festival in a lame attempt at making themselves look zany? Well she was one of them. She started asking me if i was alright and i explained that i was having a bad mushroom trip rather than saying i had just had my heart ripped out and shat on. She started acting all motherly to me and gave me a hug and asked if i wanted to get out of there. I said i did and we went for a wander, with me still crying a bit behind a large pair of sunglasses. As we were walking she started spinning her stupid orange glow balls again and in my hallucinating state, I became transfixed by them and finally stopped booing. If you've ever done mushrooms before you'll know that the simplest thing can alter your mood, such as a song or someone telling a ridiculous joke can set you off in an unstoppable laughter fit. Well the sight of this hippy spinning her stupid orange balls made me forget i ever had a whore of a girlfriend and i started laughing and joking with her, pronouncing her as the saviour of my weekend.
We went back to my tent and were sat outside drinking and laughing. She was still doing some poncey trick with the orange balls that i couldn't stop looking at when she said; "Do you want to go in there?" whilst nodding at my tent. "Nah, you're alright" i said, "I've just split up with my girlfriend and i'm not really up for it". The truth was, I wasn't but i had taken so many bits and pieces in the last 24 hours that i was worried that i wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. Not to mention the fact that this women was clearly a bit of a hippy and only God and her would have known the last time she had a wash.
"Right then, i'm gonna go" she said as she stopped spinning the balls and let them fall to her feet.
"What, what do you mean? I said back feebly. The very thought of this woman and her life giving orange glowing balls deserting me filled me with dread. I'd be sat alone in the dark and surely the tears would return. It was a delicate balance and i couldn't let my shattered libido upset that.
"No, don't go!" I said "I've changed my mind. Let's do it!" and i sheepishly made my way into the tent, followed by her.
We were soon getting down to the nitty gritty in the cold damp August night. I was still spinning out from the mushrooms. When i kept my eyes open, her features became distorted and even more scary than normal. When i shut my eyes, my ears became more sensitive than ever and my ears played tricks on me. "Did you hear that? I think someones planning on burning down my tent!"
"Don't be ridiculous!" She quite rightly said, "there's no one out there!"
"No, I better go and check! I definitely heard someone planning to burn down my tent!"
This is where things took a turn for the worse. As i sat upright and made my way to look out the zipped door, she pushed me back and pinned me down;
"Stop being silly! You're imagining things. There's no one out there!", she said forcifully as she sat on top of me. She then started getting extra aggressive. I'm not sure if she thought she was being sexy and assertive, but she began ripping and scratching at my back as we were kissing.
"Aaargh!!" i screamed as her nails tore down my back.
"You like that, don't you!" she told me.
"No, i really don't. That f*cking hurt"
My protestations of pain only seemed to spur her on as she continued to rip away at my back, bite me and rut away at me with increased ferocity. I'm up for trying new things but after about 5 minutes of this I had finally had enough.
"OK, please stop. That really hurts and i feel a bit ill and very tired. Can we just go to sleep?"
"Err, OK" she said dejectedly. As soon as she said it turned my aching back to her and hoped that she would take this as her cue to leave. She didn't and i spent the next half an hour pretending to be asleep but all the while listening to her rummaging and fidgetting around my tiny tent. With my back on fire and my head swimminng with all manner of substances it was a struggle to get to sleep but i finally got there.
I woke up in the halflight. I couldn't feel the crazy woman next to me so assumed that she had gone.
"Hey, are you awake?", I looked up quickly and saw her sat at the end of the tent by the door. She was wearing my clothes from the day before. All of them. I sat bolt upright and looked at this mentalist wearing my jeans, t-shirt, jacket and trainers, all clearly a few sizes to big for her.
"What...what are you doing?" I mumbled.
"You be me and i'll be you!" she said with a psychotic grin on her face as she threw her bra at me. So what had started with some light masochistic sex had now turned into a full blown role reversal situation and there could be only one loser- me! I was more than a bit scared now and my mind was buzzing with ideas of how i could get out of this messed up situation.
"Um, OK" I mumbled, "I just need to go to the toilet, but i'll be back in a moment". This was the best idea my tired mind could come up with. I was running away from my own tent. Genius! I pulled on some shorts and a grass stained t-shirt from the day before last.
"I'm gonna need those, but you can have them back in a minute" I said, nodding at my trainers.
"OK, don't be long" she smiled with this evil grin. Her face looked creased and grey in the halflight of the morning.
I half pulled on my trainers and made i run for it. I didn't know where i was going but anywhere would be better than there. I thought about just diving in a friends tent but that would be far too obvious. She'd no doubt track me down and i'd be stuck with her for the rest of the weekend. I briskly walked towards the river when i realsied i had left my phone and my wallet in the tent. A small price to pay for freedom, i reconciled.
I got to the river and sat on a bench. My back stang as i leant against the wooden board. I took my white grassed stained t shirt off and looked at the back of it. It was streaked with blood and looked like a had been in a fight with a bear. I looked at my watch. it was 5.30 in the morning. I knew i'd have to stay away from the tent for a while, perhaps a couple of hours or so before Glenn Close got the message that i wasn't returning, so i lay down on the bench and tried to sleep. I awoke again at about 8 o'clock. My head was pounding and i had an almighty thirst on me. It was getting warm already and sat on the bench looking at the serene river scene before me, too scared to return to my tent and the mentalist nodoubtably still inside, my thoughts turned to my ex and how my first sexual encounter with another woman in ages had quickly turned into an absolute horror show. Would things always be this shitty? Probably.
to read that all. /whip
I made the effort to read all that, I need closure
And the rest was pretty boring, but i digress....
At about 9.30am, after blagging fags and water off as many people as walked past i made my way back to the tent. I approached from the side so as not to be seen if she was still hanging around. Thankfully, she wasn't. I dived inside of my tent and immediately looked for my wallet and phone. They were both there and no money had been stolen. I looked at my phone and noticed that she had left me a message; Really enjoyed meeting you. Give me a call if you want to meet up again xx and her name whatever it was.
Needless to say, I didn't call her ever again and i had a laugh and a joke sharing the horrific story and my injuries with my friends when i saw them, without letting on how much it freaked me out. I did, however, bump into my ex girlfriend again amongst the 60,000 throng of people. I drunkenly confronted her and she said the bloke she was with was just someone she worked with. I called her a lying whore. He pushed me. I headbutted him. It turns out they did work together afterall.
the crazy one did run off with my jeans and t-shirt and left me her natty grey bra (which i later ceremoniously burnt). The slaaaag!
thats just made my week :D
I know it was a grim experience for you but it was quite enthralling for me!
Regrettably lots and lots. I've posted a few on here already. I may do a compendium if you are interested?
But maybe start being a little more choosy when it comes to the ladies.
I need a good women to take care of me.
but here's one that involves no sex but that girlfriend and her wanker Dad (thankfully now deceased).
I had been around for dinner there loads of times before but this time something seemed a bit off. Her Dad, who was usually a complete twat, was being extra specially nice to me and was more animated and cheerful then i had ever seen him. He was clearly as drunk as ever, but instead of sitting in the his usual spot chainsmoking and being a miserable cunt, he was up around the room telling jokes and actually being a nice person for the first time in years. He had some other friends around, including his best mate and his family, so the two of them were getting pissed and having a great time. He was also showing an unusual interest in the cooking of the dinner, which had always been left to his battered wife, and when it was finally ready he insisted on serving it up to everyone, over their shoulder style, jovially continuing with his banter with the sunday afternoon "Are you a leg or breast man? classic. As i sat there waiting for my turn, I prayed that he wouldn't ask me the question, as he would ultimately be referring to his own daughter when he told that tired old joke. Thankfully, he gave up on it when it came to me and instead said; "Here'ya Boy, you must be hungry!" as he piled my plate full of chicken and roast potatoes before sitting down for dinner. Everything was going ever so smoothly; the food was nice and, for once, there was a good atmosphere at the table. I was suffering with a nasty hangover and was wolfing down the first meal i'd had in 24 hours. I picked up a small roast potato on my fork and put it straight in my mouth. As it hit the back of my tongue I instantly felt a seering, burning, agonising sensation fill my mouth. My eyes started to water instantly and, as it touched the roof of my mouth, the pain increased. I let out a little cough as i tried to release the heat from my mouth. "Everything alright, Paul?" her dad piped up. I looked over to him with watery eyes and he gave me a knowing wink before looking over to his smirking friend. The fucker had deliberately super heated a potato and stuck it on my plate. He must have been microwaving it for a good hour or so before dinner because it was hotter than the sun! Ordinarily, i would have spat it out on the plate, but i didn't want to give the cunt the satisfaction and besides, i also didn't want to cause a scene and show myself up infront of everybody at the table, which is what he obviously wanted.
"Yeah i'm fine", I struggled to say; "something just went down the wrong way". I then did my best to chew up the nuclear potato and swallow it as fast as i could. It was destroying the inside of my mouth and it was equally as painful when it went down my throat but i couldn't let the bastard win. Every mouthful after that was a struggle. I couldn't taste a thing and my mouth was burnt worse than it had ever been before. After the meal was finished, I thanked everyone and me and my girlfriend made our way out. Her dad outstretched his hand and said; "Enjoy that, did ya?" with a toothless smile.
"Yeah very much so, Tony. The potatoes were lovely. You'll have to tell me how you did them?" I replied.
"Well come around again next week and i'll show ya." he said as he squeezed my hand that little bit tighter.
"No no no, Tony. I insist you come up to us next time." I said, throwing him a wink before saying goodbye again to everyone and getting into the car with my waiting girlfriend.
"Well that went well, i thought" she innocently said.
"Yeah it did go very well.....except for this" I responded as i reached into my mouth and pulled out the flapping bit of burnt off skin from the top and dangled it in front of her.
"Jesus, what did that? she asked.
"Oh i don't know, i just seemed to have one potato that was a bit hotter than all the others. I'll be alright in a minute". I replied before we drove off home.
Well the next time, i'm pleased to say he did come over and i cooked his wife and him a lovely 3 course dinner. I kept looking over to him every so often to try and unnerve him and trick him into thinking that every next bite could be the one that fucked him up. But i'm better than that, there's no way i would stoop to that level and try and deliberately physically harm someone with a cheap shot like that. And, besides, I had already taken a piss in his cup of tea and wiped my arse on his knife and fork before he arrived.
made the whole story for me..
It wasn't you who ended up in the squat as well was it?
I'm serious- all my sexual experiences since then have all had an element of weird about them. Two years down that horrible line and i'm thinking of giving up and holing myself away with a Pringles tube stuffed full of socks.
Thin you're being a bit generous there love
Lots and lots of socks. More socks than you could possibly imagine! Stuffed inside EACHOTHER!
I like people like him. I'd save him if he was dangling off a cliff, without a doubt!
Knowing my luck, that could very well happen one day.
is it even worth the read?
well worth the read
... but this post is fucking genius.
has a friend who I believe actually dislocated his pelvis. Twice.
Now he can't have sex at all. His excuse was "I was drunk and I just felt a slight twinge so I just kept on banging away".
Be careful of those twinges, boys.
he was getting a blow job and the girl used a bit too much teeth. It apparently flopped down like a sock.
and rammed a bit too hard at a funny angle and broke his penis.
He apparently passed out from the pain and woke up with a paramedic bent over him.
and I am a girl!
You can damage the muscle though.
this happened to someone i know of. apparently he rang his mum to tell her as she was a nurse.
'The nibbler' at Uni.
That's kinda like her alright!
in her teeth
She however didn't notice and carried on pushing back until she brought herself off
once ripped his banjo string while on the job. Lucky for her he was wearing a johnny – it was cold comfort for him though
ps i saw said bloodfilled condom – put me off wanking without lube for a while, i can tell you.
i think i stretch my legs too much when it gets intense.
really bad foot cramp which is strange. sometimes means i start bucking which some women don't realise and just think i'm mixing it up a bit until i scream in pain, they think its sexy pain till they see the tears
I couldn't bend it for a few days without it cracking and bleeding. I still have the scar.
I've also pulled my but muscle it was extremely painful to walk
It was a few days before christmas and nearly ruined the big day.
It was fucking well painful.
it's like a torn ligament, but obviously there's loads of pressure on it so it feels more like a snap that a bend
My old boss did it!
and judge_b reply
and judge_b knocked himself out on a low shelf, mid coitus, if my memory of threads like this serves me correctly
I'm wondering how much of my knackered knee is down to this.
It's long. It's drawn out. I want to get it off my chest. Actually there's more than one. I'm too drunk to post it now,,,,,,,,
Please can we have a story before bed? xxx
Remind me then.
It involves a friend, a fat italian prostitute, her weasel husband, a bag of skunk, £40, a rock, a knife and casualty:- the BBC1 programme.
I didn't touch her though, just so you know.
on minute 5 of a 3 day 'dirty weekend' which ended up in me hobbling about in the garden while my missus wanked herself off hidden away where i couldn't see.
for erections were painful and bloody.
thigh muscles most frequently