I had an job interview today for a position that I could have pretty much done standing on my head. It had all gone swimmingly right up until the last question. I was being interviewed by a rather heavily set man, whose last question was; "So, objectfully speaking, if you were in my shoes, ticking the boxes, looking for reasons why i should or shouldn't employ you, what reasons would you consider for not employing you?"
Well straight away this sounded like a trick question, so i fobbed him off with a stock answer. "Anything else?" he asked. Realising that he was looking for something i bit more substantial, i said; "Well, as we've already discussed, I've been out of this line of work for just over a year, so i might be a little concerned that the person would be little rusty!" I then went on to reassure him that this wasn't the case.
"Anything else at all you can think of?" he ventured again. "No, nothing at all!", i replied.
"Well, let me put it another way." he said "How corporate do you think you are?"
This seemed a bit of a strange line of questioning. He obviously had his concerns over something but there was no way i was going to hang myself by offering up any more reasons as to why he shouldn't give me the job- "Well i'm very sales orientated and i'd work to the best of my ability for any company that i worked for." I could see by the look on his fat face that this wasn't the answer he was looking for; "Um...I'm not sure I follow you", I said.
"Well, let me put it this way; if you were to take a walk around this office, there's really no one that would stand out from anyone else. All the guys have short haircuts and they are, pretty much identical"; I didn't walk around the office, but if they were all identical then the vending machine profits could probably fund a coup of a small country. "But" he continued "i look at you with your designer stubble and fashion haircut (my haircut cost a tenner and it's shorter then it's been for years) and I don't think it's giving off the right impression. First impressions count and if you were to be representing this company outside of this office then i would be worried about the first impressions our clients would have of you. What do you think your appearence suggests? So, you see, if you were in my shoes, would that be a reason you'd consider to not employ you?"
I'm not sure if it was the hot weather or the smug, patronising look on his bulbous, sweaty red face, but this made me incredibly angry. I didn't want the job enough to pander to that crap but I know that if i handled the situation better i could have probably have done this blimp for discrimination. I was fucking livid, practically shaking with rage at the gall of this twat. I finished off the water in front of me in one gulp, collected my thoughts with a look at the calm summery scene out of the window, before fixing him a steely glare; "Well, let ME put it this way; if i were in your shoes, firstly i think i'd go and get some cushioned insoles for them because my feet would be fucking killing me from carrying all that extra weight", his face dropped as i pointed at his belly, "And secondly, i'd take a long hard look at myself and stop being such a patronising, smug fat fucker who thinks he's in a position to judge others just because he's sat in the same fucking desk job all his life!"
"Right, interview over. Get out!" he said as he stood up and started shuffling his papers nervously.
I stood up to and collected my things but i wasn't finished; "You talk to me about first impressions. Well my first impression of you was that you're over weight because you're lazy and like comfort eating, probably because you haven't got a wife or, if you do, she's as fat and ugly as you are and the two of you have stopped trying for eachother a long time ago. And you're condescending tone throughout this interview would also suggest to me that you have self esteem issues and you don't want a young man like me around the place making you look even worse. So, for first impressions, would I want a lazy fat bastard with self esteem issues working for me? No, I don't think so!"
"Well, you're not the one doing the hiring!" he quite rightly pointed out, as he walked towards and opened the door in an attempt to usher me out.
"No, i guess you're right" i said as i put my bag on my shoulder, "but i wouldn't work for a wanker like you if you paid me!"
"Well That was the general idea!" he slyly said as he shut the door behind me and reached straight for the telephone. I then realised that one of my finest angry moments had been all but undone by my one stupid slip at the end and that Fatty had ultimately won. I was kicking myself as i made my way to the elevator and even more so as the security man met me at the bottom and escorted me off the premises.
My apologies for the longwinded rant but i just needed to get it off my chest. I still feel a bit aggrieved; partly at the nerve of the bloke but mostly with myself for ruining a near perfect response in that circumstance.
The hunt for a job continues.