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"You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try."

upwards, not forwards... always twirling - twirling towards freedom!'

"We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe...so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumble bees on 'em. 'Gimme five bees for a quarter', you'd say. Now where were we? Oh, yeah. The important thing was...that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones..."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all life's problems!"

"I traded your soul for ALF pogs. Remember ALF? He's back! In pog form!"

Duffman thrusting in the direction of the problem

But it's in visual form:

http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/6447/vlcsnap438188rj7.png

Lisa: They can't seriously expect us to swallow that tripe.
Skinner: Now as a special treat courtesy of our friends at the Meat Council, please help yourself to this tripe.
Lisa: Stop it, Stop IT! Don't you realize you've just been brainwashed by corporate propaganda?
Janie: Hmmph, apparently my crazy friend here hasn't heard of the food chain.
Uter: Yeah, Lisa's a grade A moron!
Ralph: When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University!

stop the planet of the apes, i want to get off!

"In the west, gameshows reward knowledge. Ours punish ignorance!"

--------

Marge: "But you liked Rashomon."
Homer: "That's not how I remember it."

and of course:

Thief: [holds teacup and saucer] Hello.
Homer: All right, pal: where'd you get the sugar for that tea?
Thief: I nicked it when you let your guard down for that split second, and I'd do it again. [sips tea] Goodbye.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/The_Simpsons

Officer Eddie: (reading Steve Sax's license) Well well, Steve Sax, from New York City.
Officer Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York City and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that now, would you, Steve?
(Lou and Eddie laugh)
Steve Sax: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in New York City.
Officer Lou: You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Saxxy Boy?

Beekeeper 2: To the Beemobile!
Beekeeper 1: You mean your Chevy?
Beekeeper 2: Yes.

I'm not garbage.
I'm an amendment to be.
Yes, an amendment to be.
And I'm hoping that they'll ratify me.

There's a lot of flag burners
Who have got too much freedom.
I want to make it legal for policemen to beat 'em.
'Cause there's limits to our liberties.
'Least I hope and pray that there are.
'Cause those liberal freaks go too far.

"Welcome to Itchy and Scratchy Land - where nothing can possi-blie go wrong! ...that's the... first thing that's ever gone wrong."

Witness Relocation Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hm? When I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer says nothing]
Worker: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stays silent.]
[The clock goes forward several hours and the rest of the family is dozing off.]
Worker: [impatiently] Ugh, now when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: [stomping on his foot repeatedly] Hello, Mr. Thompson!
[Homer stares blankly for several seconds.]
Homer: [whispering to other agent] I think he's talking to you.

BART, DO YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?!?!

seems to have made a big impression on me.

"US State department: Brat and Punk Division"

Squeaky Voiced Teen: Here's your taco mister. Whoops, it fell in the fryer, I'll get it out. [plunges his hand in the fryer] Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

made me laugh so hard

"are you mad!? i'm not made of airports!"

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!
Chief Wiggum: The baby looked at you? (He picks up the telephone) Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers. [Mrs. Wiggum, seated at the table, reaches over and dials the phone.]
Chief Wiggum: Thank you, Sarah!

Homer: It's just a little dirty! It's still good! It's still good!

Homer: It's just a little slimy! It's still good! It's still good!

Homer: It's just a little airborne! It's still good! It's still good!
Bart: It's gone, Dad.
Homer: I know...

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!
Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

also

Homer: Here are your messages:
"You have 30 minutes to move your car",
"You have 10 minutes",
"Your car has been impounded",
"Your car has been crushed into a cube",
"You have 30 minutes to move your cube".
[phone ringing]
Homer: [answers] Yello, Mr. Burns' office.
Burns: Is it about my cube?

grampa rules

"Never, Marge! Never! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend some of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors! Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called City Fathers who cluck their tounges, stroke their beards and say, "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

That's your answer to everything.'

Convenient voice: Thank you for calling the parking violations bureau. To plea `not guilty,' press `one' now. [Homer dials `one'] Thank you. Your plea has been...
Male rough voice: Rejected.
Convenient voice: You will be assessed the full fine plus a small...
Male rough voice: Large lateness fee.
Convenient voice: Please wait by your vehicle between 9 AM and 5 PM for
parking officer Steve...
Male rough voice: Grabowski.

FOR.
MOJO.

"Why does your tattoo say: "Die Bart Die""
"No no no, it's German for: "The Bart The""
"Ooooh, okay. Any man who speaks german can't be bad."

.

or
Steven Hawking: Don't feel bad, Lisa. Sometimes, the smartest of us can be the most childish.
Lisa: Even you?
Steven Hawking: No. Not me. Never.

"Great," meaning "large" or "immense!"
We use it in the pejorative sense!

You crazy car, I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.

[Homer is watching a news coverage of the Kamp Krusty rebellion]
Kent Brockman: I've just been told that I can have an exclusive interview with the ring leader.
Homer: [thinking to self] Don't be the boy. Don't be the boy.
[Kent Brockman walks into the tent to reveal a painted Bart sitting in a crude throne]
Homer: D'oh!
[Homer instantly loses the extra hair he grew and gains the weight he lost while Bart was away]

Gloria: I'm here because Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it man-wise for quite some time. Not that I'd want his odor of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.
John: That's enough, Gloria.
Rev. Lovejoy: Thank you, Gloria. John, why don't you tell us a little bit about why you're here.
John: She never cooks. She keeps a filthy house and she talks profanely. She's the queen of the harpies! Queen of the harpies! Here's your crown, your Majesty.

from 'The War of the Simpsons'

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

"whats that dad?"
"um...a dinosaur!"

or

"and you call yourself the king of the jungle!"

Don't worry I'm sure I can struggle my way out of this. I'll just pull my legs out with my hands. And now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

"Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the ball"

without his facial impressions and the scene its not that funny though

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v114/letsgetwrong/1204058720823.jpg

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Postal Worker: Okay, Mr. Burns, uh, what's your first name?

Homer: ... I don't know.

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!

Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...
Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo

Hoomar sings in the band..

Look at this country! "U-R-Gay"

Homer, something along the lines of; "If the rocket fails may we all be crushed horribly from above somehow".

Also Moe's barnyard animal impression! Priceless.

Oh Marge, I'm not going to lie to you... Well, so long.

"It tastes like burning."

"I'm going to play and you're going to float there and like it!.

FORGET IT MARGE, ITS CHINATOWN!

Ralph:"Me fail English? Thats unpossible"

Homer: "Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen"

Mr Burns: "What do you think Smithers?"
Smithers: "I think women and sea men don't mix, sir"

Scorpio: "Ever see a guy say goodbye to a shoe?"

Homer: "Yes, once"
--------------------------------

"I'm from Canada and they think I'm slow, ehhhh?"

French Chef - 'and poison, stick in the poison'

Homer: Hmm...ow, pointy! Eww, slimy. Oh, moving! Ah-ha! Ohhh, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!

Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!

Homer: Explain how.

Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services!

"No time for you old man..."

dig up, stupid!

'That's a mug you dont want to chug'
'Stop kicking and punching Duffman'

Marge: God only asks for an hour an every weekend
Homer: well he should have made the weekend an hour longer

"Potato man"
"Where the hell have you been?"

actually just recent and all i can recall. how do you remember all these?

REFLECTED GLORY!!

^ Possibly the greatest line on any tv show ever.

Also:
"Homer, I am your spirit guide"
"(waving) Hiya!"

and

"the hammock district"

And no one was around to hear it

Rex Banner: You're out there somewhere, Beer Baron, and I'll find you.
Homer: [Faintly, as from a long way away] No, you won't!
Rex Banner: Yes, I will!
Homer: [Faintly] Won't!

"up and at them!"
"UP AND ATOM!"
"UP AND AT THEM!"
"..... better."

Also the Max Power episode
"You like Thai?"
"Sure, you like shirt?"

Behind these doors, a federal judge will
ladle out steaming bowls of rich, creamy justice in a case the
media have dubbed "Beat-Up Waiter." This reporter suggested
"Waitergate", but was howled down at the press club.

Homer: Hello, my name is mr. burns
receptionist: ok, and whats your first name?
Homer:...i don't know

Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. (to Lisa) Don't worry, it's just a name.
[cut to Monster Island where Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]
Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

Carl: Hey, I hear we're going to Ape Island.
Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?
Carl: Apes, but they're not so big.

"you don't snuggle with Max Power, you strap yourself in and FEEL! THE! GEES!"