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"if it bleeds, we can kill it"
I've put my foot on a spike
take my wife, please
Consider it a divorce *BANG*
"Screw the rules, I have money!"
I'm tempted to get the t-shirt, and then marry the first person who gets the reference.
this is bowling, there are rules."
forgone all custom of exercises; and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? man delights not me: no, nor woman neither. Nor women neither.
Your uncle's not going to murder himself you know.
though there's only a 10% chance of that."
i remember that but not what it's from. what is it?
mr garrison in the south park movie.
I was going to have to keep on my toes."
<3 Police Squad
could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
could read them all day...
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.
'fuck off Larry'
and pick on someone your own size? I saw a bus in the parking lot.
'That's a mighty big moustache..'
Zucker Brothers >> Coen Brothers
have you ever been to a Turkish prison?"
that way you'll be a mile away from them
and you'll have their shoes.
through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames"
the excellent Super-Hans, man of many great one liners
until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
you STUPID FUCKING BASTARD!"
<3 Patrick Bateman.
Too slow, n00b!
because it introduced me to Jack Handey, who i hadn't heard of before.
i haven't stopped laughing in about half an hour since i started reading his deep thoughts
:D :D :D
“The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?”
So. Much. Comedy.
He needs to be brought to everyone's attention.
but I don't... revolve"
I should know, I've been using it for years
is just a poor man's Mitch Hedberg.
....now FUCK OFF.
(from film Twin Town)
The delivery is better in Sexy Beast.
is too good.
Thank you for introducing me to Jack Handey