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and summat about jews.
a pedophile & a small child are walking in the woods. the child says 'it's scarey out here.' the pedophile responds 'if you think it's scarey, imagine me. i have to walk out of here alone.'
'Germany's only stand-up comedian' has one which never fails to bring the LOLZ:
'World War Two was a painful time for my family. My grandfather died in a concentration camp...yes, he got drunk one night and fell out of his guard tower!'
There are more offensive jokes out there, but, I like the play on expectations.
Fat racist twunt he was.
the cum your mum should have swallowed."
In a pub, a man feeds his coins into the cigarette machine, but instead of producing a pack of 16, the machine says to him: "Sod off, ashtray, you stink of fags and you shouldn't smoke anyway because you're too fat."
Astonished, the man returns to his seat at the bar and signals to the landlord. As the landlord approaches, the man takes a couple of nuts from a bowl on the bar, only to hear from the bowl: "Great shirt, mate. And I see you've got that new mobile everyone's on about – cool!"
Now freaked, the man says to the landlord: "I'm not being funny, but I've just been insulted by the fag machine and now this bowl of nuts is saying nice things to me."
"Don't worry, sir" says the landlord. "The cigarette machine is out of order but the peanuts are complimentary."
post was in response to parsefone!!
i like the concept of the joke and everything - but i'm troubled by the faulty logic of the talking cigarette machine. "you stink of fags and you shouldn't smoke anyway because you're too fat". it's not being un-complimentary, fair enough, i can see that. but i'm not sure positing a causal link between obesity and smoking is fair.
if anything that would have confused that man, who'd have thought: "okay so i stink and i smoke. is there any need to bring my weight into this? i'm actually quite sensitive about it, and as it happens i only put on this weight over the last six months of giving up smoking. now i'm cutting out the junk food but have just had a few cigarettes while i was drinking. i'm not going back to a pack a day or anything. just a couple of miller lights and thought i'd have social cigarette outside with my mates"
if you wanted quality humour you'll have to PM me for my paypal account
It wasn't supposed to be ironic or *anything*.
get other to to side the
arr dear thats good.
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.
Techinically not racist.
answer a) fuck her
answer b) dress her up like an alter boy....
I think not.
...there's twenty of them
[works better said than written. obv.]
great minds think alike eh?
I tell you that one Keal?
i don't sleep in my car...
Whats worse than a dead baby?
Two dead Babies.
Whats worse than Two dead babies?
A skip Full of Dead Babies.
Whats Worse than a skip full of dead babies?
What goes round and round and gets paler and paler?
A baby with its foot stuck to the floor.
What gets smaller and smaller and redder?
A baby playing with a potato peeler.
And my least favourite and least funny:
"Why should you feed a baby into a blender feet first?
So you can cum in it's eye while it dies."
IO knew i'd fuck up somewhere
is so dutterz.
you can ask, how do you get the baby out of the blender?
A man is licking out a prostitute when suddenly gets a piece of carrot in his mouth, he spits it out and carries on but then gets a pea in his mouth. He spits it out and asks hooker "you've got bits of veg in your pussy are you sick?" She says "no but i think the last bloke was!"
Grandad came in, saw Billy posting on Facebook to all his friends. Grandad's all like "What is wrong with you kidsd today? In my day we didn't sit around all day playing with the Faceblocks, we went out and did stuff!"
Billy took his headphones off and glanced around at the fulminating old man. "Chill out, old dude," Billy sighed. "What's gwaanin'?"
"What's gwaaning, you indolent toerag, is that I never see you out doing anything constructive. I tell you what, in my day, me and the lads went down to Paris, took a night at the Moulin Rouge, fucked all the strippers, pissed on the bar staff and I think Smithy burnt the gaff afterwards, but by that time I was too wasted to remember much about the fires and the like."
With a curt "Whatever, grandad." Billy put his headphones back on and resumed posting. But his grandfather's store kept reverberating deep within him. A germ of a thought took root inside Billy's brain and a couple of days later had bloomed into a brilliant idea.
Billy got back on Facebook, and within minutes had enlightened 5 of his best friends with his idea: Three Day Weekend. In Paris.
The motion was carried by unanimous vote. 3 Days later, Billy and his pals were on the Eurostar.
3 days after that Grandad comes back to Billy's room to see the youngster sitting back at the PC, morosely posting on Facebook.
"Fuck's got your wallet, junior?" Grandad asked, tenderly. Billy turned around to face the old man, and the reason for Billy's moreoseness was clear: Massive, pulsating purple welts disfigured Billy's face. Both eyes were blackened, one eyeball shot red with blood. And he was missing a couple of teeth. Billy was fucked up, dawg.
"Good time, then?" said Grandad.
"Fuck off, old man! This was your fault!" Spat Billy. "We did exactly like you said - bunch of us went to Paris, went down the Moulin Rouge, fucked the dancers, well I say 'fucked the dancers' because we hadn't even so much as got our dicks out before we got the shit kicked out of us. Then they threw us in jail where the cops beat the fuck out of us - and I think mum just broke my jaw just now. So fuck you, okay? Fuck. You."
Grandad raised a bushy eyebrow? "Well that's just extraordinary," He mused, rummaging around in a tweed pocket for a Worther's Original. "Who did you say you went with again?"
Billy painfully recounted the list on his fingers. "Well, it was me and Gary and Marco and Stinkjelly and his girlfriend's brother Cuntfish Jack. Why? Who did you go with?"
Grandad popped a boiled buttercandy on to Billy's desk.
What's black and doesn't work?
Half of Birmingham.
I think i can safely say that is the most out of order joke i know.
I'm laughing at too many of these jokes
Getting your girlfriend pregnant and locking your keys in the car have in common?
Both problems can be easily solved with a wire hanger.
I know worse but save those for people I KNOW will find them funny.
Zebo, a half-blind five year old African orphan with only one leg has to ride seven miles a day to school on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
With your help of a donation of only two pounds a month we will send you the video, it's fucking hilarious.
I don't like the dead baby jokes, but this one is funny!!
look over your shoulder...
Ian Huntley's cock
A priest and a rabbi are walking along, and pass two young boys in the street.
The priest to the rabbi: You see those two boys? Lets go back there and fuck 'em.
The rabbi: Out of what?
From the last newsletter.
are sitting on a beach.
one says to the other one
"get out of my son."
whats 12 inches long and makes a woman scream all night?
Tiger Woods and Princess Diana?
Tiger Woods has a good driver.
half of london.
*disclaimer, i am not racist*
'There goes my job out the window.'
I told this joke in a bar in Tenerife once, aged 6 (not knowing what it was about, obviously). The incident made me appreciate how hard stand-up can be.
Shit in her cunt.
....complaining of feeling sick and having stomach pains. The doctor runs some tests and returns telling the woman:
"Well Mrs Smith, it looks like you had better get yourself some nappies..."
Mrs Smith's eyes lit up:
"Why, am i pregnant?"
"No, you have bowel cancer"