Boards
I'm amazed I made it into work alive
Everything was going so well until I got off the bus!
I got off and walked to a crossing. The light turned red, and the green man popped up so I crossed. This guy on a bike was careening towards me and goes flying through the red light but I was in no danger of being hit.
On the other side, tottering along, I suddenly feel this arm grab my shoulder and yank me back, while a hand comes up around my face trying to yank my ear phones out. "TAKE YOU EAR PLUGS OUT! WANKER! WANKER!"; it was the guy on the bike!
"You nearly killed me because of those EAR PLUGS!" - "Sir, these are only on half volume and besides, it was a red light." He then continues to scream at me, so the touch paper is lit. A stream of fs come out of my mouth and general stuff about "I know you think because you're on two wheels the rules of the road don't apply to you, but if you'd have hit me I could've litigated your arse to high hell". He eventually cycles away, still screaming, but a crowd was gathering and people were threatening to call the police on him. Everyone was very kind and offered to be a witness but I just wanted to get to work.
I turn the corner and there's a low window with two builders hanging out of it, and walking towards me a young lady. They shout practically in her face "Oi oi you slag. I bet you love it don't you!". She was visibly upset, and I walked past shaking my head. "Look at this cunt mate, he's shaking his head!". So I sucked it up, and turned around. "Yeah I am. Because I don't know what 1970s sitcom you feel out of, but abusing people like that isn't fucking on, and besides, do you think that's actually going to work? Have you ever thought that's the reason why you just go home to your squalid house to limp wrist one out over Nuts?".
I could see them about to go for me, but ther site supervisor came over. "What's going on here?" "Oh nothing guv, fuck off to your office mate" - as if woring in an office is some kind of insult! "Cheers I will. I'll work in comfort. Enjoy curvacuture of the spine lads."
All before 9am. Mondays eh.
a great start
to one of those brilliant comedy/dramas I feel!
Sadly yes
I spent so much of my life keeping quiet and not doing or saying anything that might upset anyone, I've now kind of broken the levee. If something happens I disagree with I will say. If someone's being spick on, I'll stand up for them. It's going to get me into some serious trouble soon.
or had your manservant do it for you
If worse came to worse I would've pulled his jacket around his elbows
and insulted the quality of his tailor
So many years of playing rugby
means when I think I'm in trouble the first word that comes out is "Sir"
it's great though
politeness in such situations totally throws a lot of people off!
Fantastic
i love you.
cheers
LOL!
A touch of artistic licence in the retelling methinks...
genuinely probably not.
If I wasn't going out with someone else and he wasn't going out with my best friend I would probably try to go out with him.
Rob, I love you.
I'm at my most lucid when I'm angry
I'm like a put-down Bruce Banner!
i detest
cyclists who ignore red light etc.
Splendid retort to the builders as well.
hero of the day?
Bane of my existence
They skip lights, and then it's YOUR fault they nearly maim you!
definately
i've recently taken this kinda attitude too and it's true it feels better putting people in their place for blatent wrongdoings but equally it can land yourself in a spot of trouble too.
Fair enough
In that case, good work!
Good work.
Did the builders look like this: http://photos-b.ak.facebook.com/photos-ak-sf2p/v152/196/31/517574714/n517574714_425741_926.jpg ?
The bottom picture is unnervingly similar!
xxxxxxxxxx
JOIN THIS NOW LDN DSRS
http://cambridge.facebook.com/group.php?gid=7163751260
it is really quite odd that I made that group
given that I hadn't actually seen this thread beforehand. PSYCHIC LINK
txt is here
This is a bee I've had in my bonnet ever since my first day at Uni, when I was hobbling along, and crossed a main road only to find a cycle lane in the MIDDLE of it (great!!) and a man HURTLING towards me.
He screeched to a halt.
'YOU FUCKING TWAT!!' he said, in his booming, Aryan voice.
He sped off.
OK, so it was daytime and I was in the wrong, BUT, having gone to a university stuffed to the gills with the bloody things and now finding myself in some kind of dystopian cyclists' oligarchy (LONDON), I feel I must comment.
The number of times I have nearly been killed is unacceptable.
1. A RED LIGHT IS A RED LIGHT IS A RED LIGHT, YOU UTTER FUCKING KNOBHEADS. It's not a GREEN light! It's a RED light! For those of you who are red/green colourblind and therefore entirely blameless the RED light is the TOP ONE. It means STOP! STOP! FOR FUCK'S SAKE STOP WHEN I'M CROSSING THE ROAD!
2. GET SOME LIGHTS OR AT LEAST A BRIGHT JACKET. If you are cycling along in the dark NO-ONE WILL SEE YOU AND SOMEONE WILL GET THEIR ARSE BROKEN OR WORSE.
3. GET a BELL. If you want me out of the way that's YOUR prerogative... but cycles are NOT cars and they're NOT EASY TO HEAR. RING THE FUCKING BELL.
4. IF you're cycling on the pavement DO IT SLOWLY. I am not here to get FLATTENED because of your BATSHIT IGNORANCE of BASIC ETIQUETTE (which is why I'm SHOUTING at you NOW). The only reason I'm making ANY concessions to people who cycle on pavements (because it's COMPLETELY ILLEGAL and if I HAD MY WAY anyone who DID do it would have their bike CONFISCATED and be fined £107,009 - ONE HUNDRED AND SEVEN THOUSAND POUNDS PLUS NINE WHOLE EXTRA ONES) is because there aren't enough cycle lanes in London and recent plans to make more have just been shelved (FUCK YOU, YOU ADENOIDAL, NEWT-LOVING GIT). There. I said it.
5. A grown man? Travelling along the pavement on a BMX, like Godzilla on a jet-powered crisp packet? FUCK OFF AND DIE.
6. Powering it down the main road at ridiculous speed? YEAH, LOOK AT YOU AND YOUR RIDICULOUS LEGS. YES, THEY RIPPLE. YOU VAIN, VAIN MAN. *POWER CYCLIST!!!* dickheaddickheaddickhead
Google 'Peter Messen' and SEE what sort of SHIT happens if you continue to cycle like UTTER TWATS.
(Although at least he had some remorse. That's more than I'd wager for some people).
I think I'm done now.
Yes, I'm jealous because I can't ride a bike. Oh well.
i'm a cyclist,,
and I'm exasperated by this shit to.
Especially the power cyclists. Especially with the lyrca on. Worse are the women with shit bikes who wobble though. Dangers to everyone.
It must be doubly exasperating for you
The amount of bad cyclists there are makes it really dangerous for good cyclists and also puts off a lot of potential cyclists.
^this
other cyclists annoy me greatly.
however, i must note that pedestrians can be just as bad, they tend to walk out into roads oblivious (and not just at crossings) to you as they think because they can't hear cars coming it must be safe.
Joined with aplomb
cooooooool!
John Snow does it
or Peter - I can never remember which ones which.
At least once a week I see him taz around the corner of Grenville Street by Russell Square tube and straight over the imminent Zebra crossing at highest velocity, regardless of what pushchairs, wheelchairs, lame, elderly or just plain road safety conscious people may be on that stripy path. It's right next to Great Ormond Street Hospital as well.
he's
on a bike by the way
I'm glad for once
that I was not at the end of your ire.
Congratulations though, these people need taking to task.
Especially cyclists in general.
*standing ovation*
hehehe
a man after my own heart.
I have such a big mouth....that will probably get me shot one day....
Hmm yes
I generally get by because I'm quite large but one day I think someone might try it.
I did get smacked once at Notting Hill Gate Station because some idiot was having a huge go at the guy who reads out the trains times and tells the trains to go. I told him to lay off, and gave him a list of sources where he could complain more accurately i.e against people who had actually made the trains run late. He started shouting at me, hit me in the face and ran off.
haha!
when did this happen?
you're going to be one of those old men that complains about inappropriate tv, aren't you.
Ages ago back when I lived in Fulham
Last winter I think.
No, I heart inapropriate TV. On Saturday I sat off my face watching Fanny Hill. It was amazing. So much sex! On BBC4!
a hill of fannies!!!
Brilliant,
Well done kind sir, well done :o)
Brilliant.
:D