Dear Ann,

You know those personals in the Metro? The ones where dickheads write in with shit like "Fit boy! I saw you at Euston yesterday. You had a bag and two arms! Call me!" Could you fix it for me to have an alternate version? My first message: "Dear fat bastard who called me a wanker for allegedly pushing in front of you to get on the escalator at Walthamstow. Why don't you suck my dick? It'll be the first one you've seen since you discovered the Double Parmo, you corpulent fucknut."

Sincerely,
Tunde E.A.T.A.F.F.D McKay