Craptacular. Shitologous. Clusterfuckism.
These are terms that fail utterly to scratch the surface of just how monumentally offensive this film is on every conceivable level. I will describe the sorts of things that happen in this film so you don't need to watch. Let's begin.
Technically, this was all over the place. For one thing it looks like it was shot on DV - so it looks like ass. Blocky, grainy ass. The colour balance makes everything grey. I'd guess this is again, for grit. It just looks like everyone is blue. It's shit. During action scenes, the cameraman has a massive spack-attack and wiggles the camera about, shooting everything but the action, until the fight ends. I'll just tell you what happens in these action scenes so you don't miss out: Sean Bean's team get beat up, people shout and then whoever's fighting gets up and leaves. It never advances the plot.
Apparently this was supposed to be a gritty and provocative look at the crumbling state of our nation.
And for the first 10 minutes it looks like it's going to be, Danny Dyer gets chased and beaten to shit - it's a feel good family romp.
But no - it's all a dream. Danny Dyer is alive and well and he's going to marry some dim Essex tart.
That was when I began to get depressed. And it went on like that.
The writer of this film expects the audience to accept that half the cops in the country have been bought off by some fat bastard who isn't even clever enough to to escape arrest by the other half.
So then Sean Bean comes along with a bag full of guns the army just let him take when he left the service. He walks about and sees some hoodies loitering on the corner and decides that Britain is now a failed state and that only he can do something about it. By going around knifing paedophiles and jumping drug dealers. But first he needs a posse.
The film then fucks about for about half an hour establishing ridiculous characters who mumble nonsensical dialogue about how paedophiles and gangsters are bad news. Sean Bean comes along to shout at them about how if they really want to be in his posse they should meet him in another location in 12 hours. He does this about three times.
So he gets his crew: A psycho with a hideously shrunken face who installs CCTV cameras in people's hotel rooms so he can watch them shag is the most eloquent about wanting to beat up paedophiles. There's a lawyer (who knows shit all about the law) who wants revenge for his murdered wife. But then he doesn't want revenge. Then Sean Bean yells at him. But then he does. This goes on for about 25% of the film. There's a kid with a scarred face who says NOTHING and does NOTHING for the entirety of the film yet is in almost EVERY SCENE.
So the posse is assembled and they go off to beat up some scum. Only they're all rubbish at it. SO you might think that Sean Bean, as an elite hardcore soldier would train all of them up into a slick, super stealthy fighting strike team over the course of the film.
But no, they just all keep being really amateurish and shit all the way through the film. Sean Bean shouts at them about them all being rubbish. They sulk. Sean Bean commands that the posse meet him elsewhere in 12 hours. They meet, do another job rubbishly and the cycle continues for two hours.
At some point Bob Hoskins, who I'd totally forgotten was in the film, is shot. I can't remember who he was shot by, but since the extent of Hoskins' character's involvement in proceedings was to sit in an office grunting monosyllabic clichés down the phone, you can rest assured that it doesn't matter to the audience or any of the other characters.
Okay, back to the posse - they do another job poorly, get tracked down by the bent cops, inexplicably escape, get tracked down again, escape AGAIN, then are finally tracked down once and for all and shot to death.
Except Danny Dyer who, despite being shot in the side by a highly powered police issue rifle at close range, jumps up and sprints away from the police who don't catch him.
Now, the evil fat bastard who we saw at the beginning of the film in court for... something... shows up at Danny Dyer's office to pay off his co-worker. OMG Dyer's mate was in on it all alone! In on what? Fuck knows. All you need to know is that the fat bastard has turned up personally to deliver a small amount of money to a fucking nobody - this is so Danny Dyer can show up, grinning and injury free, to shoot fat bastard with a handgun he definitely didn't have access to.
Then the film ends.
I did kinda feel like killing myself, but then I turned to channgel 4 and the last half Rat Race was on. That film is like Fellini compared to this steaming pile and all it took was 5 minutes of Rowan Atkinson's rubbery face for me to be in a good mood again.
Conclusion: If you must watch a film by Nick Love, have a DVD of Mr Bean handy for afterwards.