You are in a room
There are doors to the North East and South. There is a large wooden table on which are some objects. An old man is sleeping in a chair.
>_
- Mount Kimbie - Cold Spring Fault Less Youth
- Baptist Generals - Jackleg Devotional to the Heart
- Tribes - Wish to Scream
- "More bands should split up" - Brett Anderson opens up to DiS about the return of Suede
- CocoRosie - Tales of a GrassWidow
- Laurel Halo - Behind the Green Door
- Frankie & the Heartstrings - The Days Run Away
- Drowned in Manchester #15 – May 2013
:(
right??
your point being?
look at table
there are: dildo, cheese, torch and a rat
>pick up dildo
dildo added to inventory
>use dildo on old man
old man wakes up
>kill old man
old man is immortal
>there can only be one
HIGHLANDER YOU WIN THE GAME
:D
I think this is the most I've ever laughed at anything on here
BRAVO
the old man seems to be snoring to the tune of "home home on the range"...
Ring the plumber to fix the leaky tap,
his name is Ferdinand.
THIS THREAD NOW AVAILABLE IN THE OLD BOARD COLOURS!:
http://old.drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727
Either that or Robert Earnshaw
There's only one
Robert Earnshaw!
* command 'piss on' unknown.
kill old man
sounds like
Knightmare
and hide his body
under the table
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
-
I do not understand 'Bogle to Aswad'
You are 'in a room'
and since Dodgy reformed your tribute act bookings have plummeted.
^ Winner
what's on the table?
If there is a spy glass, hold it up to the eye shield so we can spy on Lord Fear.
on the table
is a bible, a banana, and a toilet brush.
>_
Is the answer
4) stop playing silly computer games, you're a grown man now?
SYNTAX ERROR
Beat the old man with the bible
Save the banana for lunch and take the toilet brush to ward off trolls in the forest.
I'm rubbish at these games.
you now have item
'banana'
you now have item
'toilet brush'
you now have item
'dead old man'
>_
Don't take the dead old man
he'll just hold you up. Rummage through his pockets then leave him propped in the chair.
you have found item
'werther's original'.
take y/n?
>_
take werther's
eat werther's
you are consumed
by feeligns of wholesomeness and paternal altruism.
>_
Score
Have I won yet?
no
>_
the sorrows
of tongued werthers
:)
take werthers. eat werthers. die.
take wethers, eat werthers, insest
Fly.
Yes take, eat
>Inv
Lord Fear
Surely with a name like that you'd be bound to turn out evil...
Peter Fear?
He drinks in my local.
Really?
Does he have a shirt with 'Fear' written on the back.
Lol, no I wish
He was born in Sutton and then played for United in the last few days of his career.
He now drinks and bets in Sutton's most ill-respected public houses and bookies and regales people of stories from his career if you catch him in a good mood.
>ride old man's corpse like pony
"I don't know how to 'ride'"
>shut up
"I don't know how to 'shut'"
>wank
"Go and wash your mouth out, filthy child."
you now have
saddleburn.
>_
exit through the north east door
with items 'toilet brush' and 'banana.'
*makes flashy portal type noise*
you are outside
there is a tree. In the tree is a parrot. on the floor is some pixie dust.
Behind you is the building you just came out of.
you can go east or west.
>_
Store the pixie dust up your nose
and take the parrot.
the parrot refuses to be taken
the pixie dust combines with werther's original to give you magic teleportation powers.
>_
Throw stones at the parrot for disobeying
then teach it swear words.
Teleport to a beach.
the parrot uses
its laser eye beams to destroy your projectiles. It already knows 'cunt', 'bollocks', and 'hasselhoff'.
you attempt to teleport to a beach but find yourself in a star trek convention. Guess you don't know how to use your powers properly yet! You teleport back to the tree.
>_
Teach the parrot thundercunt
then go west.
thundercunt
is the magic word. The parrot is now your friend.
go west is a shit song.
>_
Tell the parrot to cut down trees with his laser eyes
then make a cart.
you now have item
'parrot brand wooden cart'
>_
Jump in the cart
and roll, at a safe speed, down the closest bank.
you are in HSBC
The counter is manned by Omar Rodriguez from the Mars Volta who has fallen on hard times since everyone realised they hadn't listened to Frances the Mute since the month it came out cos it's absolute wank.
>_
Instruct the parrot to use his laser eyes
to rid Omar of his fro thus leaving him with a short back and sides. Then aim the banana at him and proceed to rob the bank whilst screaming 'whatever possesed you?'
you do not have item
'banana' - you swapped it for a whelk in a parallel universe.
you cannot rob a bank with a whelk.
>_
Damn parallel universe.
Pick up a chair, smash it and repeat last instruction replacing banana with chair leg.
I wanted to eat the banana later, gutted :(
You club Omar to death
with the chair leg and steal the money.
you now have item '$1million'.
>_
Go to the florist and sent some flowers to Omar's family
then visit the local arms dealer to purchase an M40.
you are in
'Daniel Johnston's Family Gun Emporium'. Daniel is at the counter polishing a super-soaker.
>_
Turn and leave
Go to the nearest food place to eat.
you go to
Holly Golightly's Pizza Co.
Thereby simplifying my job by converging the two lines of narrative.
see bottom of thread.
>_
Well done
Nope
http://www.drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2080729
We left empty-handed.
...
Ignore this, I'm getting confused
climb tree
and hide old man in tree.
the old man drops from
the tree and smashes to bits on the floor. You realise that he was a robot in disguise.
>_
Use pieces of old man robot to make mobile phone
use phone to text 'girls' to 80040
you now have item
'hot girls'
>_
view 'hot girls'
relieve self
you are now satieted and a little sleepy
>_
wash hands
there is nothing to wash with
you now have item 'sticky hands'. This increases your carrying power by +1.
>_
^ POST OF THE DAY
I don't understand
can you rephrase that?
>_
Go East
kick old man
and then go west
you have sore toes
going west you pass the Springfield tire fire. Homer Simpson is sitting nearby selling whelks from a wooden crate.
Continue west?
>_
talk to Homer Simpson
'Hello'
'I'm Homer Simpson. How do you do? Do you like Whelks?'.
>_
ask Homer if you can swap the banana
for some whelks.
you no longer have item
'banana'
you now have item 'whelk'.
>_
thank Homer Simpson for the whelk, and continue west.
You find yourself
on a busy shopping street. You are near Starbucks, Anne Summers, and Holly Golightly's Pizza Co.
>_
go into Anne Summers,
and try and bargain with the one of the staff to swap the toilet brush for something.
you approach the counter
'Babs' is on duty.
"Hmmm... a toilet brush. We could possibly sell that to someone with a poop fetish. Yes I will swap it for either a Dog Hoover, a Custard Cushion, or a Bouncing Knobbler."
Which do you choose?
>_
erm...Custard Cushion? (I have no idea)
thank Babs and exit the shop. Go to Holly Golightly's Pizza Co.
you now have item
'custard cushion'.
You enter Holly's Pizza. She is at the counter.
'Hi, I'm Holly Golightly, as heard on 'It's true that we love one another. Though I believe I may have made other records too. What can I get you?'.
>_
*by the White Stripes
>_
say to holly golightly
how do i use this custard cushion?
"i can show you
"but first you must bring me the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan".
>_
where's that?
"It is hidden deep
within the cave of Khair-Danoth".
>_
ask Holly for directions to
Khair-Danoth.
"take the M4"
"first turning off Junction 24. It's next to a Frankie & Benny's. You'll see the gift shop first. You can't miss it, it's in the shape of the Dread Symbol of Higuresh.
"Anything else?"
>_
> touch Holly in her Special Place.
Holly slaps you
you lose -1 Health Point.
>_
> ask Holly for a stuffed-crust pizza with extra cheese.
"i don't serve pizza
to preverts"
>_
> apologise to holly, and offer to bring her both Sceptre of Zatoth-Khan and a copy of Icky Thump on vinyl.
She accepts your apology
"Now find the sceptre!"
>_
thank Holly and exit the pizza place.
Realise the need for transportation and decide to look for an car/bike/bus.
a small child rides its bike nearby
smiling with an innocent joy at the simplicity of motion.
the bus station is two blocks away.
there is a car hire place on the other side of town.
>_
Steal child's bike
Hit child
*with the bike
then ride off
The child's smiling face
turns briefly to anguish as its head is snapped from its neck and rolls into the gutter.
You hop on the bike and pedal off at top speed. The screams of distressed passers by fill your ears.
>_
Pop to Boots to buy earplugs
you now have item
'earplugs'.
where to now?
>_
To the bat cave
via the Big Brother house.
you are in the big brother house
you can see all the characters who are currently in big brother who I don't know the names of.
there is a table with objects on it.
An Orc Warlord is threatening the big brothers with a big axe.
>_
Encourage
Orc Warlord to commit bloody murder of the housemates.
The Orc roars
and commits bloody slaughter. Soon the BB house is strewn with dismembered corpses. It is impossible to decide where one housemate ends and another begins. lol.
Big brother calls you to the diary room. Do you go?
Y/N?
>_
Yes
To complain that I wanted to kill them with the water wings.
"Big Brother is immortal
and cannot be killed"
what do you say?
>_
Big Brother misunderstands me
I wanted to kill the housemates with the waterwings.
To the bat cave.
what objects are on the table?
clap and cheer for the Orc Warlord, he's doing ok!
on the table
is a pair of water wings, a book called 'Minging for Dummies', a small barrel of Old Speckled Hen, and a pekinese puppy called Ifor.
you can carry two more items.
>_
Pick up waterwings
and barrel of Old Speckled Hen.
Drink barrel of Old Speckled Hen and wear armbands.
Leave Big Brother House unaware that everything that just happened was caught of camera.
flip Big Brother off, and continue with
quest to Khair-Danoth.
you stagger pissed from the house
you notice that the bike you stole is gone.
you are surrounded by armed police.
"Hands up! you are under for three counts of murder and and ten counts of accessory to murder by Orc! Come peacefully!"
What do you do?
>_
Enter cheat code 'immortal'
> teleport.
>noclip
Do the robot
running out of space...
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2081635
What's on the table?
If you'd got the parrot like I did
you'd be able to build a cart.
This is fucking amazing
really, im subtley confused n nodding along
you combine your
robot dancing skills with your teleportation spell and disappear just as the bullets start to fly.
You find yourself in a mysterious forest. Woodland creatures are all around? A squirrel approaches.
"Hello. Friend or foe?"
>_
stamp on squirrel
"foe"
the squirrel dies
with a pathetic squeak.
Suddenly thousands of owls swoop from the trees and attack you hooting violently.
"you killed our leader, the mighty Jason, you dick!"
>_
Proclaim to be their new leader, show them the water wings as proof.
The owls stop their attack
befuddled and amazed by the water wings. They gather into a huddle to discuss the implications of the squashy orange life aid.
what do you do?
>_
Ask owls
what the result of their discussion is.
I think they're still talking it over
What a to-do.
the owls
wish to make you their king.
do you accept?
y/n
>_
y
ask owls if they will take me to Khair-Danoth.
they huddle together again
and walk forward nodding.
"do you want us to carry you through the air? or will you walk and we will lead the way?"
>_
Carry me through the air please
The tree I've been sheltering from the rain under has just burst into flames, in quite an implausible manner, and I'd like to get out of here sharpish
^
the owls grab you clothing in their beaks
and fly you off through the skies toward Khair-Danoth. You soon arrive and are dropped safely outside the gift shop where Davina McCall stands interviewing a dead horse.
>_
What does the gift shop specialise in?
rulers, pencils,
overpriced chocolate. maps of the cave of Khair Danoth.
oh and davina mccall memorabilia.
>_
ignore Davina
and buy a map of the cave of Khair Danoth.
you buy a map
it comes with colouring pencils. It doesn't say anything about the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan.
>_
Purchase a map of the cave of Khair Danoth
A very pointy pencil and a Davina McCall doll.
you now have item
'pencil' & item 'davina mcdoll'.
>_
stab davina in eyes with pencil
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2084550
use custard cushion
you do not yet know
how to use the custard cushion.
>_
phone customer support number
"Hello
Custardmer Services?"
>_
> hang up
you hang up
it starts to rain.
>_
shelter under a tree
the tree
sets on fire.
>_
Cry
your tears extinguish the fire
>_
Eat owl
in an attempt to show owls that treachery will not be tolerated.
The owl gives you the shits
>_
yep
i'll go along with this.
you also lose -1 health point.
>_
take off boots
found it!
http://www.ifiction.org/games/play.phpz?cat=1&game=1&mode=html
How the FUCK do you play that?
That one's rubbish
It doesn't do anything I tell it to do, I prefer restlessboy as the games master.
heretics!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colossal_Cave_Adventure
its still shit
.
>Fuck off
Real adventurers do not use such language.
>you're gay
That's not a verb I recognise.
>shit
Real adventurers do not use such language.
>shit
Real adventurers do not use such language.
>shit
Real adventurers do not use such language.
>shit
Real adventurers do not use such language.
>shit
Real adventurers do not use such language.
>
This is one of my favourite
threads ever
Sup Chi
Same here.
/@@\
=
"my eyes! my beautiful eyes!
Now how will I show you how to find the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan?"
>_
using special voodoo powers
the real Davina McCall no longer feels the pain of her bleeding eyes.
"Okay. I can help you. But i still can't fucking see. You'll have to guide me if I'm going to help you find the sceptre".
The cave entrance is nearby, you can also see the gift shop and a welshman.
>_
ask the welshman if he knows
anything about the sceptre, or if he has spare eyes he can give to Davina.
"Well blow me away
with a fotheringay," says the welshman. "As it happens I have detachable eyes which can be immediately implanted into someone else's sockets. You can borrow one of them, but you must bring it back or the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep with fall on your family for three generations!"
There is a crash of thunder.
Davina now has item 'Welshman's bionic eye'.
>_
ask Davina about hair colouring
davina is offended
"I don't dye my hair, I'm a yummy mummy!" she drawls in her interminable way.
"I'm too offended to lead you to the sceptre now!".
>_
you do not have item
'leash'.
>_
Ask Davina to lead the way to the sceptre
davina
is too busy weeping to lead you to the sceptre.
>_
Impregnate Davina
(she's always pregnant..)
no way
real adventurers wouldn't touch Davina with a barge pole. Not even for the sceptre of Khair-Danoth.
>_
wait
Khair-Danoth's the cave isn't it?
I knew that. was just testing you.
>_
davina weeps even more
for the loss of her beautiful eyes.
>_
she can still feel pain
you heartless wench.
>_
tell davina no grey hairs are visible
and endemol haven't sacked her
"but I don't dye my hair!"
davina is weeping uncontrollably.
>_
Give Davina the custard cushion, but only on the grounds that
she will stop crying and help you.
But
If we give Davina the custard cushion the mission is pointless as we are trying to find the sceptre to take to Holly so she can tell us what the custard cushion does. Give Davina the parrot instead.
good point.
ignore my above post.
davina
is not interested in the custard cushion. she already has one.
she's just weeping and weeping. maybe you shouldn't have stabbed her eyes out with a pencil and insulted her if you wanted her to help? just a thought....
Do you try and appease Davina or just go into the cave without her?
>_
Appease Davina
Give her a whelk.
and £35
"whelks!
my favourite. Full of healthy amino acids! Let's go!".
You head off into the cave. Passing glowing funghi that adorn the walls. Plastic models of dinosaurs and those big boring billboards which have brass rubbings of history.
you reach a cave filled with bats.
"here i must leave you." says davina. "The beast of Shadrigo-della-Bono dwells beyond this cave and I fear him."
She turns to leave.
>_
Thank Davina
and tell her you hope her eyes are better soon. Walk further into the cave.
you head into the cave
a you pass a small gnome wearing a My Chemical Romance hoodie.
"you don't want to go that way squire!"
do you stop and talk to him or carry on?
>_
Talk to emo gnome
Talk to him to discover
why we shouldn't go that way. Also ask his opinion on the new MCR single 'Teenagers'.
"you shouldn't go that way
because the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan is down there and no one who has seen it has ever lived to tell the tale!"
>_
ask about the beast
of shadrigo-della-bono
"well
tis said the best of Shadrigo-della-bono has eighteen heads, each more ugly than the last. It has twenty three arms, each holding a weapon more deadly than the last. It breathes fire and shits mars bars.
"This is all pure conjecture however, as everyone who has ever seen it is dead. Still, if you're heading that way anyway give him my regards...."
>_
crikey.
Erm, can I have an inventory update please? I can't remember what items we have.
erm...
some whelks
a parrot
a pencil
a plastic davina mccall doll
custard cushion
toilet brush
earplugs
$1million
hot girls
a wooden cart
>_
examine 'hot girls'
you look on your mobile
phone. there is a picture of hot girls. they are hot.
>_
Do we have their number?
no
>_
cheers.
thank the emo gnome, equip self with parrot and pencil. Continue further inside cave.
equip earplugs
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2085521
appease Davina
with a jaunty rendition of the Aswad song 'Shine'.
I am sitting in a room
different from the one you are in now.
I am recording the sound of my speaking voice and I am going to play it back into the room again and again until the resonant frequencies of the room reinforce themselves so that any semblance of my speech, with perhaps the exception of rhythm, is destroyed.
What you will hear, then, are the natural resonant frequencies of the room articulated by speech.
I regard this activity not so much as a demonstration of a physical fact, but more as a way to smooth out any irregularities my speech might have.
I am sitting in a room
different from the one you are in now.
I am recording the sound of my speaking voice and I am going to play it back into the room again and again until the resonant frequencies of the room reinforce themselves so that any semblance of my speech, with perhaps the exception of rhythm, is destroyed.
What you will hear, then, are the natural resonant frequencies of the room articulated by speech.
I regard this activity not so much as a demonstration of a physical fact, but more as a way to smooth out any irregularities my speech might have.
I am sitting in a room
different from the one you are in now.
I am recording the sound of my speaking voice and I am going to play it back into the room again and again until the resonant frequencies of the room reinforce themselves so that any semblance of my speech, with perhaps the exception of rhythm, is destroyed.
What you will hear, then, are the natural resonant frequencies of the room articulated by speech.
I regard this activity not so much as a demonstration of a physical fact, but more as a way to smooth out any irregularities my speech might have.
I am sitting in a room
different from the one you are in now.
I am recording the sound of my speaking voice and I am going to play it back into the room again and again until the resonant frequencies of the room reinforce themselves so that any semblance of my speech, with perhaps the exception of rhythm, is destroyed.
What you will hear, then, are the natural resonant frequencies of the room articulated by speech.
I regard this activity not so much as a demonstration of a physical fact, but more as a way to smooth out any irregularities my speech might have.
I am sitting in a room
different from the one you are in now.
I am recording the sound of my speaking voice and I am going to play it back into the room again and again until the resonant frequencies of the room reinforce themselves so that any semblance of my speech, with perhaps the exception of rhythm, is destroyed.
What you will hear, then, are the natural resonant frequencies of the room articulated by speech.
I regard this activity not so much as a demonstration of a physical fact, but more as a way to smooth out any irregularities my speech might have.
you continue into the cave
in the distance you hear a low menacing sound, dulled slightly by the earplugs. The parrot squawks nervously.
There is a half eaten bag of marshmallows on the floor, spattered with blood.
>_
use 'hot girls' to toast marshmallows
now
your phone is covered in sugar and blood.
what now?
>_
Lick the sugar and blood off the phone
yuck.
now your mouth tastes awful.
>_
combine sugar blood phone with toilet brush
to make some kind of weapon on a stick
you now have item
'telephonic sugarblood douche ray'.
as to whether it will be any use or not I cannot say.
>_
did somebody mention owls?
yes
you are the leader of owls.
>_
>pat owls on head_
Don't eat them.
That's my advice.
the owls
are outside the cave.
keep up, dur.
>_
i am patting them outside the cave
okay
you stay there. We'll shout if we need you.
>_
follow the source of the low
menacing sound.
Probably find out it's Sunn)))o
you head deeper into the cave
the floor is strewn with human bones. the sound gets louder. despite the earplugs you have, for some reason, chosen to wear.
On one wall you see the words 'Turn Bac ' written in what appears to be blood.
you reach a fork in the tunnel. you can go left or right or turn back.
>_
Use pencil
to correct spelling on 'bac'
correct spelling of dying author of note
congratulate self on superior intellectual skillz
the correction
magically resurrects a nearby skeleton.
"hello," it says in a disembodied, ghostly voice. "I used to be called Dave. Where are you going?"
>_
go left.
use item 'telephonic sugarblood douche ray'
how exactly?
>_
I was hoping
you could tell me. Use it on the cave wall.
you smack the
telephonic douche ray against the wall.
the phone falls off the end.
you no longer have item 'telephonic sugarblood douche ray'.
>_
sorry everyone.
> ask skeleton if he is the infamous "Dave, Leeds" you've heard so much about.
"No
my name was Dave the Invincible. I fought in three world wars then went in search of the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan."
>_
ask skeleton if he knows how to defeat
the beast of Shadrigo-della-bono.
"Well...
"It killed me. So no."
>_
surely he wouldn't be a skeleton
if he knew that?
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2086036
well, he may have known,
but done something daft and failed. I don't know. :(
"I heard a rumour
that each of its heads has a name. And that they can only be killed in alphabetical order.
"Hope that helps."
With that the skeleton crumbles into dust.
>_
Ask skeleteon if he's had any luck finding the sceptre.
skeleton*
sorry.
too late
the skeleton has already crumbled to dust.
>_
cry many tears for the poor skeleton :(
your tears fall onto the dust of his bones
in your head you hear the ghost of Dave the Invincible saying "i thank you for you tears, I can save your life once and once only. Just call my name."
the voice fades.
>_
whisper thanks and continue walking to wherever I was previously going.
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2086092
Snort the skeleton.
you snort the bone dust
in your head you hear the voice of Dave the invincible. "Yeah, that's a bit weird frankly. It makes my soul tickle."
you lose -1 health point.
>_
continue walking towards noise.
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2086092
you head down the corridor
and find yourself in a brightly lit cave.
on a rock in the centre of the room sits what can only be the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan.
The rumbling sound appears to have stopped.
>_
do a victory dance
agreed
> order parrot to fly over and pick up Sceptre.
you never fought the t-rex on level 3?
shame!
I don't think we have the parrot anymore :(
You sill have the parrot
you never had the welshman. davina had his eye.
>_
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2086378
Pick up sceptre
okay
we do not have a consensus on whether or not to pick up the sceptre.
You have the time it takes games master to have lunch to decide between yourselves what to do.
>_
'I'
I must depart for lunch also. See you at 2.
'I'
I should finish my lunch and get back to work...
hah.
while
the games master and the children adventurers are eating their lembas and ginger beer, i want to say that this is the greatest thread ever.
in my head
restlessboy : (on the left, with pickles) http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/images/thumb/3/37/Knightmare_treguardpickle.jpg/300px-Knightmare_treguardpickle.jpg
the cave where the sceptre is: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/67/Knightmarevr.jpg
and health points should really be spoken of in terms of life force i.e.
http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://www.knightmare.com/pictures/items/origrear.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.knightmare.com/pictures/&h=504&w=530&sz=66&hl=en&start=3&um=1&tbnid=6ILo8Y9GwC9MGM:&tbnh=126&tbnw=132&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dknightmare%2Bhelmet%26gbv%3D2%26svnum%3D10%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den
keep up the good work. god speed adventurer
You tell the parrot to go and pick up the sceptre
it cautiously flies towards it and hovers uncertaintly over it. From the shadows behind an enormous figure comes looming. Could it be...?
The dread best of Shardrigo-della-bono!
It's every bit as fearsome as you could have imagined! It swipes at the parrot who squawks 'bollocks' and dashes back to perch on your shoulder, quaking with terror.
what now?
>_
inventory check
see here
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2085435
well prepared aren't you?
>_
i thought we used some of the items!
nope
pretty sure you've still got them all.
>_
> engage in honest commerce with the beast, and offer it half a million dollars for the sceptre.
"I have no use for money
foolish adventurer. All i like doing is sitting in this cave and guarding the sceptre and occasionally killing people. All my other needs are dealt with by my broadband connection which only costs £24.99 a month for unlimited down/uploads.
"Mwahahahaha! Now prepare to die!"
>_
> offer him the hot girls, telling him that real ones = better than internet porn, even if you do have broadband.
the hot girls
are just pictures on your phone.
>_
Get Davina to 'interview' beast
davina left
a while ago, remember?
>_
don't we have a davina doll in the inventory?
that's why i asked for an inventory check!
yeah
but it's a doll, innit?
>_
jab beast in eye with pencil
and while his vision is blurred attempt to 'interview' him with davina doll/
you jab the beast in the nearest eye
which pops satisfyingly and dribbles down its face.
"Ow! you cunt. There was no need to do that. Ow, fuck."
The beast now only has 47 eyes left.
>_
The beast seems pretty angry
but nevertheless hasn't yet attempted to kill us. I think this is a good sign.
Warn beast that we'll do it again
and take another eye.
> insert toilet brush into beast's nose.
which nose
it has 18 faces remember?
>_
in fact
some of its faces don't have noses. just terrifying implements of death.
>_
if it
was 1 head you could suggest it looked tired, offer it the ear plugs to go to sleep and then creep around it
things like this
are why you need to plan ahead.
>_
note to self:
always remember to take 18 of everything, everywhere you go
Ask the parrot
to find out where the wires for the dread beast of Shardrigo-della-bono's broadband connection are
offer beast the wooden cart to play with
in exchange for the sceptre?
...
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2086436
If $500,000 won't swing it, I somehow doubt a wooden cart will do the trick
but a wooden cart - hours of fun!
probably. Either that or the custard cushion.
ask
parrot to disconnect the broadband cables
^5
No!
The whole reason we're in this cave is that we need the sceptre of Kahir-Danoth so Holly Golightly will teach us how to use the custard cushion. If we give it to the dread beast of Shardrigo-della-bono this whole quest will be rendered utterly pointless.
:D
:(
I'm losing it.
Haha
It can be tricky to keep up.
you're telling me
>_
Challenge the Beast to a rap battle
winner gets the sceptre. Offer Davina Doll as a deposit.
with its many heads
surely the beast will be a rap maestro
Pfft
By that rationale, Blazin' Squad are better than Eric B and Rakim
my point is upheld
:)
SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS
neither eric b nor rakim
had sex with charlotte church, did they?
Does that make you a good rapper?
I await Gavin Henson's debut joint with interest.
combining answers here:
you quickly formulate a plan with the parrot, sending him off the cut off the beast's broadband connection using its laser beam eyes.
In the meantime you get into the wooden cart and scoot round the room as the beast chases you. All the while making 'I'm having fun' noises.
"oi!" says the beast "that looks fun, can i have go?"
>_
is there
a flaming pit or infinite drop at the back of the cave?
no
>_
Challenge him to a race
and if he wins, he gets to keep the sceptre. If we do, we get it.
Keep him intrested by calling him chicken etc.
"Why should I risk losing the sceptre
"I can simply kill you whenever I please and take your stupid cart! Just as soon as I catch you!"
The beast lumbers after you and you continue scooting around.
"I want a go!" moans the beast.
You hear muffled squawks from the back of the cave but the beast does not seem to notice.
>_
tell the parrot to go for his broadband connection
you already did that
the parrot's on its own mission. In the meantime you're being chased round the room by an enormous death machine.
>_
whistle
the parrot to bring back all the cables... then encircle the beast with the cables, tying up his legs a la star wars
^you are in
your x wing wooden cart fighter of course
the parrot returns
with the severed cables in its beak. It flies round the beasts enormous legs precisely once and fails to knot the cables because it's a parrot and only has a beak rather than fingers and opposable thumbs.
"What have you done?" screams the beast "My broadband! How am I supposed to watch Heroes on tv-links now? Right! forget any race for your gay little cart. I'm going to kill you!"
>_
is this
because i thought a humbug was a gay sweet?
I don't understand
can you rephrase that?
>_
do you like
humbugs?
are you
coming on to the gamesmaster?
>_
in
a minute or so
That's what the parrot's doing, aye
Keep scooting around, but start taunting the beast about his lack of agility
"BAWK BAWK CHICKEN!"
he obviously is just scared of losing.
sorry, that was awful english
well, worse than usual.
"I am SO not chicken"
roars the beast. "Let me on the cart then and I'll show you who's fastest."
>_
nah, we get the cart
he can run.
if he wins, he can keep the cart.
--
Why are we so desperate to know how to work a bloody custard cushion?
"you're such a dick
"Why is no one who comes the cave ever nice to me?"
>_
Apologise, and offer him the davina doll as an apology
I seriously wish you could edit posts
plug
back in his broadband
give him your wooden trolley
give him a reach around
LOL
you can't plug
the broad band back in. the parrot severed the cables with his laser eyes.
you give the monster the wooden cart.
"Aw shucks. Maybe i can forgive you after all?"
He starts whizzing joyfully round the room. lost in the simple pleasure of motion. The parrot lands back on your shoulder.
>_
Say casually, "Can I borrow this sceptre for a bit then?"
and smile sweetly.
OK, we're back on track
Tell the beast he can keep the wooden cart if we can take the sceptre.
Good point
Give the beast the custard cushion as a placatory gift, and ask if he likes Holly Golightly.
the beast
is too busy having fun on its new wooden cart to be arsed about cushions. In fact it's too busy to pay you much attention at all.
>_
In that case
Take the sceptre and edge quietly out of the cave
you
sneak over to the pedestal that the sceptre rests on and lift it up quietly as the beast faffs about in the background making racing driver noises.
You are halfway down the corridor, sceptre in hand when you hear an angered shout from the cave and the sound of the beast riding the cart after you.
>_
cheese it!
you do not have item
'cheese'.
>_
Run away as fast as you can
Also, can we have an inventory update please?
Didn't we buy a gun?
no
you left the shop straight away despite having an opportunity to talk to Daniel Johnston. Losers.
>_
Nope
http://www.drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2080729
We left empty-handed.
no
just remember.
you no longer have the cart though obv.
>_
Shout for "Dave the Invincible" to come save us
as he promised.
Yeah!
Can he still do that? He did promise, but then we snorted him.
you shout
"Dave!" at the top of your voice. Your skeleton pal materialises and throws himself under the wheels of the cart which breaks into a million pieces due to its shoddy parrot workmanship.
The beast tumbles onto all eighteen of its faces and knocks itself out. It also gets a nasty splinter on one of its thumbs which will really hurt later and might go septic.
You continue out of the cave. Waving at that little gnome dude on the way.
You are now outside again next to the gift shop.
You now have item 'Sceptre of Zatoth-Khan.
>_
Look in gift shop for pencil sharpener
there are three kinds of pencil sharpener
one is green, one is blue, and one is shaped like the beast of Shadrigo-della-bono.
>_
buy the shadrigo sharpener
to remember his face for future reference.
you now have item
'pencil sharpener'.
>_
use sceptre of zathoth khan to rob gift shop
there is no one to rob
the gift shop runs on an 'honesty box' policy.
>_
Rob 'honesty box'
and rest of gift shop.
you can all thank me and Dave later
go to the shops and buy a massive fuckin' sword, some matches, rope and some arsenic. We need protection.
is Davina still outside?
get the bionic eye from her, and return it to the welshman to avoid the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep.
Ooh, good call
davina has gone
the welshman is still there, looking at you expectantly.
>_
tell him we're just gonna go get Davina.
"okay"
says the welshman. "you have until the sun sets to bring back my bionic eye or the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep will befall you!"
>_
Tell the parrot to fly around
and see if it can see Davina
The parrot squawks off
into the sky and comes back after a few minutes.
"I can see her," it says "she's far away heading back towards town on some sort of golf cart".
>_
Bollocks
Look around and see if there's a nearby vehicle to commandeer.
you can see
landrover, shopping trolley, helicopter.
>_
Pay someone 10K for their car!
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2087664
go back
in the shop and ask apu if there's a golf course nearby... say it's an emergency so could they drive you. if they say yes. say, can you drive me to davina instead, i've gone off golf.
go back
and take an eye from the beast... who is dead?
it's not dead
it's unconscious.
>_
there's
no eye in team
go back to giftbox and look for
'new age cds' and 'kendal mint cake'
there is
kendal mint cake but no cds.
>_
not even
pan pipe cds?
take kendal mint cake... can be used for energy or helicopter fuel
Grab the Kendal mint cake
get in the helicopter, and go after Davina.
you now have item
'kendal mint cake'.
you jump into the helicopter.
you do not know how to fly a helicopter.
>_
Kill beast
BY GEORGE, I THINK HE'S SOLVED IT!!!!!!
If only we'd thought of that before
WORST THREAD EVER
*BEST
^
girls don't understand role play
they
only understand make up and dolls
you approach
an old man sitting in his morris minor and offer him $10k for his car.
"Aye okay. But be careful, if you stop listening to Radio 4 the engine stops working."
you are now in a car.
>_
OK
Turn on Radio 4, start the engine and set off after Davina.
you are heading down the highway
a hitchhiker stands by the side of the road holding a sign saying 'Middlesborough'. She also has a dog.
>_
Obviously pick them up
this adventure needs some more 'whackiness'.
Is she good looking?
Also, is Middlesbrough on the way to where we're going?
(probably
let's say for the sake of argument that this whole adventure takes place in the vicinity of middlesborough)
you pick up the hitch hiker and set off driving.
"Hi," she says "I'm Lily Allen. This is my dog Ronan Keating. We're going to middlesborough to kill Davina McCall. Where are you going?"
>_
Tell her
"We need to find Davina McCall and get back the bionic eye she borrowed from a Welshman, because if we don't return it to him by nightfall the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep with fall on our family for three generations. And that would suck."
Also, add "I quite liked "Smile", as it goes"
"okay
"I'll help you find her.But please note that I intend to disintegrate her utterly with this ray gun the moment I see her."
>_
Try and compromise
by saying that you promise to kill Peahces Geldof for her and will buy all her albums in future if she allows you to get the eye first.
^
this
"I'd like to think
I could demonstrate such self control. But she has wronged me so terribly I just don't know if I'll be able to help myself."
Just then an elf lands on the bonnet of your car holding a massive axe and starts smashing at the windscreen.
>_
Tell Lily to shoot the elf with the ray gun
get your rat out
TURN OFF RADIO FOUR!!!!
No!
If we do that, the engine will stop. And we can't afford to lose any time, because we need to find Davina McCall and get back the bionic eye she borrowed from the Welshman. If we don't return it to him by nightfall the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep will fall on our family for three generations. And that would suck.
but the car will stop
throwing the elf off the car!
unless the car isn't moving - in which case
TURN ON RADIO FOUR!
Ah, I like your thinking.
Yeah, turn off Radio 4, bringing the car screeching to a halt, and then when the elf has been tossed off you can turn the radio back on and run him over
you do that^
that you just said. You run over the main elf but then fifty more elves appear out of thin air.
One of them throws a spear which goes straight through lily allen's head. Her dog leaps to avenge her death but is shot by an elven ice beam and frozen solid. It hits the floor and shatters.
"We have come for the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan. You cannot begin to comprehend its power. Give it to us or we shall destroy you!"
>_
turn radio 4
off 50 times
grab
Lily's ray gun and fire on elf spokesman
give
him the bad aids
Can we try teleporting, please?
holding Lily's ray gun and dog. We need a canine friend.
scratch the dog
I just realised he's frozen.
Use your power as king of the owls
to call the owls to come and destroy the elves.
ask hitchhiker if she has seen davina
also, is "I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue" on yet?
Have I missed the Archers?
Ricky Otto
you
grab Lily Allen's gun and vaporise the elf leader, simultaneously summoning your owl followers. They swoop as if from nowhere and peck at the elves' faces. A bloody battle ensues.
What now?
>_
laugh at elves
and search them for toys
turn on radio 4, and start car.
Drive off after Davina whilst the owls and elves continue the battle.
you head off down the highway and start to relax
heading back into town as the battle rages in the distance.
You pull into the NCP car park and vaporise the parking meter with the ray gun for the sheer balls-out fuckery foo of it.
Where should you start looking for Davina?
>_
Head to MIMA and see if she's appreciating the art with her eye.
you arrive at the gallery
where there is a large David Shrigley print of a bird with an arrow in its eye.
nice. It reminds you of poor fallen Lily Allen. You wander around for a while. No sign of Davina.
A man sidles up to you.
"I sell wind up walking clockwork bottoms. Do you want to buy one?"
>_
say
Show me your stuff
.
Please carry on with this
^this
C'mon!!!!
I need to know how this ends, I invested far too much time in it.
we'll
carry on on monday.
>_
RECAP:
Having journeyed to the distant cave of Khair-Danoth and battled the dread beast of Shadrigo-della-bono, seemingly killing pretty much everyone you meet on route, including children and squirrels. You escaped the beasts clutches only to find that you faced a new challenge.
You must find Davina McCall so you can retrieve a Welshman's bionic eye from her and return it to him by nightfall, thereby avoiding the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep.
Then you must deliver the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan to Holly Golightly so she will explain to you how to use a custard cushion which you bought from Anne Summers. This seems to be terribly important to you all.
You are accompanied on this journey by your trusted Parrot.
You are currently looking for Davina in an art gallery in Middlesborough where a man has just approached and asked if you would like to purchase a walking clockwork bottom.
Now play on:
>_
tell the man we will purchase a clockwork bottom
if he can tell us where Davina is.
"I don't know
where she is. But wouldn't you still like to buy one of these very attention grabbing items?"
>_
Buy clockwork bottom
and slap the man on the arse.
"ooh cheeky!"
You now have item
'walking clockwork bottom'.
what now?
>_
you tuck
the receipt into one of the pockets in your wallet.
>_
"Money back
if not completely satisfied provided item is returned in original condition with a receipt. This does not affect your statutory rights."
>_
Search for a map/visitors guide to the gallery
You approach the counter
and find the guide.
there are exhibitions of 'Sodomites & Surrealism', 'The Heteroglossia of Abstract Expressionism', 'Totalitarian imagery in post-9/11 pottery' and 'Pictures of Ducks'.
>_
Go to 'pictures of ducks'
you are in the third floor gallery
there are around sixty different depictions of various species of the Anatidae family of birds.
There is a large window to the north overlooking the town centre. An exit to the south. The gallery security guard sits in the corner listening to Radio One.
The parrot squawks. "I don't quite see that this is getting us anywhere."
>_
ask the gallery security guard
to tell you about each of the sixy depictions.
*sexy
you spend an hour
being taken around the gallery looking at each of the ducks. Some are good, some are shit.
It's getting late now. Davina could have gone quite far in the time it's taken you to look at all the ducks. Also the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep is looming.
>_
spend 5 minutes
thinking really, really hard about davina, bionic eyes, irishmen and curses, and attempt to teleport to her location.
ask the security guard
if he has seen any upset pregnant women with dyed hair loitering around.
Create a large sign that reads
'Big Brother auditions here today' and hang it outside the gallery. Davina will not be able to resist this.
^ genius
you make the sign
from your least favourite duck picture and hang it outside the gallery.
Soon a large queue has formed and sure enough Davina turns up holding a plastic flower which she seems to think is a microphone 'interviewing' people as blood runs down her face from her popped-eye sockets.
>_
approach her from
her blind side and trip her up. pull the bionic eye from her socket, and run off into the distance cackling madly.
Do you think we're maybe being a little mean to all we meet?
Once we have the eye, put it safely into a zip pocket and head back to the Welshman.
yeah
the prevailing mentality on this board seems to result in the death of everyone you encounter.
>_
you snatch
the welshman's eye from davina's mangled socket and run away. She drops her plastic flower and fumbles blindly across the pavement cursing you to anyone who will listen.
Some would-be big brother stars notice your assault and start to give chase.
"You hurted Davina. You is bad!" they shout. "We done be kill you, burrrr...".
You keep running but they are in hot pursuit.
>_
Run into the closest Tandy store
Using the money stolen from HSBC previously purchase a camcorder and tripod. Leave the shop and start filming the crowds, telling them this will lead to their fame. You will make them a someone! Set the camera up on the tripod and run away whilst they 'do there thing' for the camera.
the soulless
fame hungry crowds happily prostrate themselves and dance and wave their throbbing genitalia at the camera. After being slightly sick you continue on your way.
you now have item 'bionic welshman's eye'.
where to now?
>_
get to the NCP car park,
turn on radio 4, and go find the welshman.
When you get to
the car park you discover to your horroer that the window has been smashed and the radio has been stolen from your car.
There is a faint ethereal shimmering hanging round the seat and dashboard. A sure sign of elven interference. Fucking elves.
The car won't go without being tuned to Radio 4 and night is falling fast. You need to find another way to get to the cave of Khair-Danoth and rendez-vous with the welshman.
>_
use the parrot to
stage an elaborate ruse, whereby the parrot waits for someone to enter the carpark, and snatches their keys after they have left and are a safe distance away.
the parrot
is sick of always being used as the solution to everything. He still hasn't forgotten that you didn't even thank him for risking his beak to disconnect the dread beast of Shadrigo-della-bono's broadband connection.
Anyway he's tired.
>_
fine
use the bionic eye to freak out someone of apparent-low-intelligence, and steal their car.
A man walks into the car park
wearing an 'I love Richard Littlejohn' t-shirt so you wave the bionic eye in his face and he shits himself and runs. dropping his car keys as he goes.
The keys go to a Vauxhall Nova. After ten minutes searching you find the car. It is full of child porn and racist literature.
Do you take the car?
>_
This thread needs more action!
Stash porn and racist literature for later. Take car. Drive to cave of Khair-Danoth.
.
http://www.drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2101756
Go to argos
and buy a in-car radio. Install it, and switch to radio 4.
the radio
is too mangled by the thieves for this to work.
>_
shake your first and damn the thieves
before carrying out guntrip's plan.
you head down the highway without incident
and arrive at the cave of khair-danoth just as the sun is disappearing behind the distant mountains of Ziggurat-gyda-phynci.
You get out of the car and look around but the welshman is nowhere to be seen.
You shout 'Oi, welshman!'. And hear a groan coming from the bushes.
>_
wind up clockwork bottom
and release in the direction of the bush.
the clockwork bottom
tootles off towards the bush.
Suddenly there is a HUGE EXPLOSION! the bum has triggered a land mine. the bush flies into the sky in a shower of leaves and body parts.
The welshman's head falls from the sky and you catch it. "you could have come to my aid and saved me. It is because of you that I was murdered. If I'd had my bionic eye I would have seen my attacker."
and with his dying breath he utters the words of the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep.
"Shobulom, krobinatch, kasabian, damocles, ungulatch, toploader, icky thumb, bongo, ninja banjo handjob. Amen."
The curse is upon you!
but who killed the welshman?
>_
"why did you do that you stupid welshman?" you say.
check receipt to see if it's guaranteed
to survive explosions.
*if the clockwork bum's
you look at the receipt
'100% explosion proof'. Sure enough there it is still tootling around totally intact.
ace.
>_
Pick up clockwork bottom.
Inspect bush/blast area.
there is no bush
on the clockwor.... oh i see what you mean.
You examine the blast site around the bush and find further ethereal glowing traces suggesting elves have been here too.
In amongst the bits you see an envelope addressed to you.
>_
examine envelope!!!
and open it afterwards.
I'm going home now
I'm handing the baton to you guntrip.
and then
read it. out loud. then type it up on your computer.
the envelope contains
a letter from Holly Golightly.
Dear adventurer,
Do not try to find me. I have gone into hiding in the distant mountains of Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro. Jack White is on my trail seeking another credibility-boosting collaboration. Until I am safe from him I can never return to my beloved pizza parlour. If I am never freed then the secret of the custard cushion must die with em. Keep the sceptre for me. Its magic will protect you.
love always
Holly.x
So you can either:
go and look for holly
go and find and kill jack white
just basically wander off and do something else
>_
the parrot blushes
'it's nice to be appreciated'.
He's one happy parrot.
so what's it gonna be? jack or holly? and how exactly will you look for either of them?
>_
Might as well go kill Jack
We seem to be good at it.
You go to jack white's house
(can't be arsed with another elf ambush). You ring the doorbell and are given an electric shock which knocks you to the ground.
Jack White emerges from the house,
"Hah!" he cries "I'd been thinking about my doorbell, and when you were going to ring it! So i boobytrapped it! Now you are at my mercy. No one kills Jack White, king of the elves!"
Try as you might you can't move, you're so wracked with electrical charge. White points his sword at your throat.
"Prepare to die!"
>_
Use the sceptre!
It's magic powers will protect us!
you try
to reach for the sceptre but your hands are paralyzed by jack's electric doorbell.
>_
I forgot about the paralysis
Ask the parrot to use the sceptre.
"I don't know how to
use the sceptre, I'm only a parrot. In fact you don't even know how to use the sceptre, do you?"
>_
I was going to ask the parrot
to hold the instruction manual in front of me so I could read it and tell him what to do.
you do not have item
'instruction manual'.
>_
shout out for Meg! Shout out for Meg!
"Meg! Meg!"
you cry. She wanders out of the house in a skimpy dressing gown.
"What are you doing, jack? Come back to bed." she says
"Shut up woman! Honestly I'm finding it harder to be a gentlemen every day." replies Jack haughtily.
"Wait a minute," says the parrot "I thought she was your sister."
Jack and Meg look suddenly horrified, realising their mistake.
whilst this is going on you feel some of your strength return. what now?
>_
dismantle Jack's doorbell with the sceptre
so that it never rings again
you smack
the doorbell with the sceptre and it breaks.
Jack notices that you are up and raises his sword again.
"prepare to die!"
>_
shout
"your southern can is mine, white!" and summon the legion of owls with a bloodcurdling shriek.
hahahha
ahaha
you summon the owls
who attack jack white and peck every inch of flesh from his bones whilst meg sits weeping.
"you killed my husband/brother! you fiend!" she cries. "I summon the curse of Dungari-Son-Biscotti upon you!"
With that she runs off into the forest.
Shit, now you're double cursed. But at least now you can go look for Holly Golightly again.
>_
run after meg
shouting false platitudes of apology, and offer to produce her debut solo album.
you run after meg
but she is nowhere to be found.
>_
you check
your inner chakras.
but no, you have no magic powers. other than teleportation. and command of owls.
>_
Darn
Teleport to Holly, I suppose.
you don't know
exactly where Holly is. You only know that she's in the distant mountains of Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro. They are a dangerous place.
You can go straight there or teleport to town and get some supplies first?
>_
you teleport
to the relevant locations and now have all those^ items.
you don't need to mug anyone cos you've still got loads of money left from when you robbed a bank earlier.
You come to a stop outside Ted's Sleds. Is there anything else you want?
>_
A bobble hat, please
as it might be cold in the mountains. A magic one, if possible.
you teleport
to Gwenaira's Magic Bobble Hat shop.
'Bore da, my lovely' says Gwenaira (who is welsh) 'what kind of hat do you want? I can only sell you one as if you have two at the same time they will react with each other and destroy the universe. These are the choices:
"Blue & Green hat which deflects weapons (once)
"Red and yellow hat which makes you invisible for ten minutes
"Purple and Orange hat which means you can fly for 5 minutes
"Maroon and Cyan hat which means you can see through women's clothing"
vote now!
>_
google pictures
of holly golightly to see if she's worth a sneak.
you do not currently
have access to the internet.
(this is probably why you've had such an active day).
>_
You're a disgusting sexist pig
(Answer: not really)
I reckon the invisibility one. We don't really need the flying one as long as we're in command of the owls.
a plague
has killed all the owls. Greenpeace is up in arms.
>_
True
although it is sad about the owls. I still reckon invisibility is better than a one-shot weapon deflector
well
you need to agree. we can't have the adventure derailed over a disagreement about bobble hats!
>_
i cast my vote
for the invisiblity one.
^5
that's
two for invisibility and one for bullet-deflection.
any more votes or do I call it?
>_
maroon and cyan!
you never know what those evil 'women' are hiding
Gah!
If you're invisible it doesn't matter that they're hiding.
I vote invisibility too
fine fine
gays
Look
If we're invisible, we can sneak into girls' dormitories and shit, as well as evading attack from malign forces.
question:
would the shit be invisible as well? 'cause shit appearing mid-air might be a giveaway as to our location..
maybe
just dont have a poo when in immediate danger
:D
It wouldn't half freak them out, though.
i think the consensus is invisibility
for the main reasons of:
-sneaking into changing rooms
-making poo appear out of thin air
good enough for me
I preferred grundylezcvbnm
cry out for Johnny Depp to save us!
rip the veil of 'reality'.
hit the guy writing shit stories on his computer very hard till he admit you just won the game.
Kill Lyle with sceptre for being a bumwag
.
Dont stop now, I need to know what happens. Pleeeeeeeeze.
what next ?
an online DiS ADD game ?
You have just purchased
a magical invisible making bobble hat which works for ten minutes only.
Are you now ready to go and look for Holly Golightly in the mountains of Drakylura-Dingo-Dentro?
Or do you want to get more supplies/change your minds entirely about what your quest is?
>_
no one's
bothering with this today then?
>_
and?
>_
i think we should get a giant sword or something first.
who knows what's lurking in the evil depths of [ridiculous name].
^racist
>_
Um
I reckon we should set off and look for Holly.
inventory check?
...
some whelks
a parrot
a pencil
a plastic davina mccall doll
custard cushion
toilet brush
earplugs
a magic bobble hat of invisibility
some money (not sure how much)
bread
string
peas - dried
pea shooter
pick and mix
amethyst paperweight
tobacco
sled
I think that's it. And we still have the ability to teleport, although we can't call on the owls any more since they're all dead.
Yeah, look for Holly
To the mountains!
Also
if we could find a way to lift the two curses that are hanging over us, and solve the mystery of who killed the Welshman, that would be fresh.
the curses of
Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep
and
Dungari-Son-Biscotti are beyond your power to remove.
is that sentence grammatically correct? Oh who cares....
>_
It is, yes
Bollocks.
Well, if we could find out what the curses actually entail, maybe we could do some kind of damage limitation.
you have
no knowledge of the curses' powers.
>_
you teleport magically to the mountains of
Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro. Seeing as you don't know where to start you begin at the information hut and gift shop.
there is a large map in a wooden frame outside the hut. A man stands polishing a trumpet next to a wishing well. A small child is drawing a picture of a dinosaur and the mome raths outgrabe.
>_
study the map.
you look at the map
it proposes three different walking routes through the mountains. One is 5km and marked in red. One is 3km and marked in yellow. One is 7km and marked in blue.
The blue and red lines both pass the famous cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog, which contains the stallactite of Membo-Stran-Floscinop, which allegedly contains the imprisoned spirit of the ancient mystic Frednoth-trango-bonaparte who knew the answer to every question ever, except sport ones.
>_
Let's take the red path to the cave
you don't want to
murder the man with the trumpet? You surprise me....
You set off down the red path. bearing in mind it's actually the middle of the night now this proves difficult and you stumble over rocks several times.
"Ow, fuck. Ow!" you say.
Soon you are out of range of any artificial lighting and can no longer see the markers denoting the red route.
A distant wolf howl chills your spine. A faint aura of magic hovers in the air. This would be the perfect place to be attacked by elves.
>_
We've had enough violence.
you didn't mention it was the middle of the night. I think I assumed it was brillig. Is it too late to turn back?
well
it was getting dark when you went to meet the welshman. so realistically then sun has now gone down.
keep up.
You can try turning back but you can't really see where you are.
>_
:(
Sorry.
Sharpen the pencil, ready the dried peas and the peashooter, and have the bobble hat close to hand in case of attack. Then find somewhere sheltered to hide.
If only the owls were still alive!
Damn you pansy assed liberals
with your 'pee shooters' and trying to worm your way out with no violence. We could've had a giant sword, goddammit!
I say we stay up through the night keeping our guard. If only we had a thermos of coffee. And a giant sword.
where were you
when they went shopping eh? All very well to complain now.
tch!
>_
Far too many people posting far too quickly!
also: 'pee' shooter: hah.
hah
I get it. 'pee'.
lol.
>_
You take shelter beneath
a rocky overhang and prepare your weapons. The parrot squawks nervously.
You start to nod off. Reasoning that you'll continue the search in the morning.
---
after what could be a few minutes or a few hours a rumbling sound wakes you with a start. A dark outline looms before you, terrifying but strangely familiar.
"you cut off my broadband, you cunt!"
Oh no! It's the dread beast of shadrigo-della-bono!"
>_
don
magic bobble hat!
you whip on the hat
You have ten minutes of invisibility. It also makes the parrot invisible cos he's touching your shoulder and science and shit.
What now? Do you flee or use yr invisible state to try and defeat the beast once and for all?
>_
How much string have we got?
punch him on the nose
like you're meant to do with a shark or a bear or some other supposedly aggressive animals.
You punch him
in the nose of one of his eighteen faces.
"Agh! you cunt. Why are you such a dick? That really hurt."
now what?
>_
give him
the pick n mix
you give him
the pick n mix. he scoffs the lot in under a minute. a jelly tot sticks in one of his eighteen throats and chokes one of his heads to death.
"Fucking hell! I hate you so much. I'm gonna kill your face off you shit!"
Going well so far.
>_
bollocks
seemed like a good idea.
Scatter whelks under his feet so he flails and trips on uneven mountain path.
shove a rock up his behind
and run for it. obviously.
you select
a large jagged rock and shove it up one of his eighteen anuses (yeah I didn't mention them before, sue me).
"AGH!" cries the beast. "You've severed something internal!"
He collapses in a heap on the floor. spewing blood from his rear cavity.
surely you don't want to run when you have the upper hand?
>_
smack him on each head in turn with
the paperweight
(in one of your socks)
like Ray Winstone in 'Scum'
you blugeon
five more of his heads in this way.
He's really looking quite fucked up now.
>_
offer to save his life
using the string, toilet brush and whelks., if he promises to stop being a cunt and helps you find holly
"Never!"
cries the beast.
>_
Strangle him with the string
by tying it round as many of his throats that it will reach. Stab the sharpened pencil into his windpipes, too.
[It always comes back to the unltraviolence, doesn't it...]
no
do what I said
you strangle
five more of his heads with the string.
He's only got... erm.... three (?) left now!
>_
using the sceptre
bind his soul to his sharpner replica!
you
still don't know how to use the sceptre.
>_
ok
I think we need a vote
ok computer
now offer to spare his life in return for help
^ this
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2115454
Why?
We've only got three heads left and then we've fucked him
I feel kind of sorry for him
look, he's a big beast
beasts are always useful. remember Ludo from Labyrinth? maybe he's just misunderstood
Me too
I was just going to suggest tying him up and running away, but as soon as we angered him we didn't really have much choice.
Take the 5km walk
and keep going until we find this cave. And maybe pick up a pencil sharpener at the gift shop.
shout down the well for Holly
or make a wish.
Good call.
OK, let's make a wish for the curses to be lifted somehow, buy a pencil sharpener, THEN take the red path to the cave.
too late technically
but I'll allow it cos it doesn't mess up the chronology.
You shout down the well to have the curses lifted. Though you can't tell whether it's worked or not.
You buy another pencil sharpner then go to http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2115151
>_
thanks for that
i couldn't have been arsed.
>_
the beast raises
his few remaining heads.
"First you take my broadband! then you kill most of my heads! Now you offer to save me! I exist only for vengeance! If i cannot kill you in this life I will hunt down your soul in the next. In other words, fuck right off!"
>_
Yep
That's exactly what I thought he'd say.
so what now?
>_
:(
We're gonna have to kill him. Otherwise we'll be looking over our collective shoulder for the rest of the quest.
ok
smash the cunt to death with big rocks
Also
the bobble hat of invisibility must have run out by now. Take it off and put it on again to see if that works
lol
push the monster off the cliff
?
I'll tell you
when it runs out.
it's run out.
when it runs out it disintegrates. one use only.
So now your visible to the mortally wounded beast.
>_
Is he definitely mortally wounded?
In that case, we should scarper and hope that he dies before he catches us.
give a shit
he's bleeding heavily and has multiple brain injuries.
FINISH HIM!
you grab a big rock
and bash in two more of his faces.
As you look into his final pair of eyes you see the childlike innocence that lies within him. The fear in his remaining face.
"How could you?" he weeps "Couldn't you tell that all I ever wanted was to be friends?"
>_
told you so
Finish Him!
mortal Kombat style
i don't trust him
you're making me feel all upset
but ^^this^^. We should finish what we've started and can't take the chance.
Snuff out his pathetic life and gorge on his livid flesh.
ah fuck it
bash him in with the sled
Yeah
This is quite upsetting as a psychological exercise, and is making me think I'm not as nice a person as I'd like to believe, but there's no time for sentimentality now. Grunt a noncommittal "Sorry" then smash the remaining head in.
flick a coin
as if deciding his fate - catch it, check it out
and then say
'heads you lose'
and kill him
!
you raise the rock
to deliver the final blow.
"I curse you!" cries the beast "The curse of my fathers and my granfathers! the curse of Zandrogynozoicad-Stritchnon-Up-Fenella-Dangulon-Guruntath-Hoedown!"
Oh no! this is the most fearsome curse of all!
You whack the beast in the face and he collapses dead for good. But do not weep for him, he's gone to the great wi-fi hotspot in the sky.
Morning has broken, like a snapped neck. Time to go on your way. You can see a sign for the red path and one for the yellow path. Which way?
>_
i don't belive in curses
i like yellow
yellow yeah?
i'm a red man myself
no!
we want to keep on the red and get to the cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog
^
this
oh ok
i missed that bit
but remember, red = dead
yeah but thinsg aren't always what they seem in this place
so you cant take anything for granted
come on
the programming on this thing isn't THAT complicated
you set off
down the red route with a spring in your step. Despite being under the influence of the combined curses of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep, Dungari-Son-Biscotti, and Zandrogynozoicad-Stritchnon-Up-Fenella-Dangulon-Guruntath-Hoedown you're feeling pretty chipper.
You pass a small pond with ducks in it. Odd to see a pond up in the mountains eh?
Do you stop to feed the ducks some bread?
>_
no
it isn't actually good for them to eat bread. do we have anything else edible? inventory please!
.
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2115019
minus the bobblehat and pic n mix
>_
...
some whelks
a parrot
a pencil
a plastic davina mccall doll
custard cushion
toilet brush
earplugs
some money
bread
peas - dried
pea shooter
amethyst paperweight
tobacco
sled
i don't trust this
i think they are monster ducks or an illusion of something
ha
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=8196
I can see that this is going to lead to trouble
but I could never say no to ducks. Let's feed them.
feed them
i cant resist
no wait
shoot them with the peas!
^the image
of you standing by the pond taking 45 minutes to make up your mind whether to feed them or shoot them made me HYPERLOL
I'll write back
with an amusing retort to that in 45 mins
Are they magic ducks?
Can we become king of the ducks in the same way as we became king of the owls? Maybe without killing a squirrel this time though.
SO
we seem to have reached an impasse over whether or not to stop and feed some ducks.
What kind of adventurers are you?
>_
The short attention span type of adventurers
Follow the red path to the cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog.
you follow the path for what seems like
several miles until you arrive at another duck pond.
In fact looking closely it appears to actually be the same duck pond as before, even though you've been going in a completely straight line. How odd.
You stop and scratch your head.
"I know what your problem is," quacks one of the ducks. "I'll explain if you give me some of that Hovis."
>_
Do we have Hovis?
If so give him some and get him to explain.
You throw some crusts
into the pond and the ducks gobble it up greedily.
"Nice one, mate." says the lead duck in a broad cockney accent. "Seems to me you're caught up in a spatial-loop. This is typically caused by some kind of curse. Like, for example the curse of Dungair-Son-Biscotti."
You explain to the duck that you were cursed by Meg White.
"That would explain it me old china, and no mistake."
Oh noes!
>_
*dungari
Ask the duck if there is anyway to counteract the curse
Offer more Hovis!
"Well I don't know much about
curses, only being a duck and all. But I heard that a sure fire way to counteract the curse of Dungari-Son-Biscotti is to sacrifice a parrot."
Your eyes meet those of your loyal feathered companion. It gulps.
What to do?
>_
:(
Is there any chance at all that there is another parrot to be found amongst the trees? Have we named the parrot yet?
"you never asked my name
but it's Peter. Peter the Parrot."
The parrot takes out its wallet and shows you some photos.
"This is my wife Valerie, and my daughter Susie. It's her birthday tomorrow."
There are no trees in the mountains. Unless I've previously mentioned some trees. Then there are.
>_
Can we teleport
to a parrot shop and buy one? Now I know Peter has a family and stuff I would feel a little bad sacrificing him, unless he totally insists....
you try to teleport
but the curse of Dungari-Son-Biscotti means that you just find yourself back at the duck pond.
>_
What does Peter think about being sacrificed
After all we have been through and the friendship we have formed would he be willing to be sacrificed so that the curse may be lifted and we can live long and fruitful lives procreating more adventurers?
Don't do it
There must be another way to counteract the curse. And sacrifice is no way to repay the parrot's excellent adventurerhelping skillz.
I for one
feel uncomfortable sacrificing the parrot. How about a whelk?
ask
if there are any curses that can be counteracted by sacrificing ducks.
"There's only one curse I know of
which can be countered using the death of waterfowl. That's the curse of Royston-Shuddup-Fricasse. Do you have that? We don't mind if you sacrifice Neville. He's kind of annoying."
The lead duck points at another duck wearing a 'wacky' tie and doing an impression of Bruch Forsyth.
"I'm great at impressions." says Neville. "I can impersonate anyone or anything."
>_
Tell Neville to impersonate a parrot
then sacrifice him. It's a long shot but it miht just work.
You challenge Neville
to do a Parrot impression.
"Easy peasy," says Neville.
He rearranges his facial features into a surprisingly convincing facsimile of a parrot and begins to squawk and say generic 'parrot' things.
"Who's a pretty boy then?" says Neville
"That's just borderline racism," says peter. "Parrots have been oppressed for too long because of this jim-crow stereotyping. We're about more than just enquiries into our physical attractiveness and requests for crackers. This is like the Bernard Manning of ducks."
Needing no further encouragement you grab Neville and snap his neck. The ducks all cheer, but will the curse be fooled?
What now?
>_
get back on the red path
and hope to god we don't meet the ducks again. unless they're pleased at neville's departure from this mortal coil.
try walking along the red path
again
ask duck
to do an impression of a parrot, then kill it. (is this going to work?)
impersonate a parrot, Neville.
*cracks knuckles*
maybe the parrot has some
parrot enemys?
maybe someone slept with his wife or something?
we could avenge our parrot friend while lifting the curse!!!!
offer to take neville along with us
his impression skils may be useful.
sorry for the late entry into the fray, i've been admiring from afar.
"I've tried to live
a life without enmity." says Peter "If someone strikes my face I turn the other beak."
In the background you hear Neville doing a very convincing impression of a cuckoo.
>_
invite neville along for the ride
and look out for a carrot to sacrifice
don't worry
they didn't.
*
>_
you set off down the red path
all seems to be going better this time. No sign of passing the duck pond again. The scenery actually seems to change. Seems like the curse was fooled.
Eventually you pass a krispy kreme stall. You definitely didn't pass this last time. Ace.
>_
bish bash bosh
go and buy a krust kreme to celebrate.
buy a krispy kreme
and pass the time of day with the salesperson. don't kill anyone unnecessarily.
^we need more people like this
It's boring to constantly introduce characters only to have them instantly killed.
You go up to the stall and say hello. It is manned by a gruesome orc warlord.
"Mwaagahag blargh ug blargah wargha?" says the orc. Brandishing its sword.
>_
how are you, Mr. Orc?
"Ug! mongblongiwargh
Shmargh wargh ug blarg" he says matter of factly.
>_
Mwaagahag ug wargha
nice brandish, did you study under admiral akhbar?
ask him
if he speaks english, because we are english and therefore dont bother to learn foreign languages, and if so wether he has seen holly. or indeed if he would like to help us find her - the krispy kreme stall cant be that great a role for an orc.
"Argh arghm
sparghkinf arghnglish. Argh've garght argh sparghch arghmpedimarghnt."
>_
hmm.
that's a pretty bad impediment. would a whelk help you speak more clearly?
the orc
takes the whelk and scoffs it down.
"Yum" he says.
He offers you a donut in return.
>_
delicious!
now' we've got a quest to be getting on with. although your stall is doubtless both profitable and fulfilling, would you like to join us on this quest?
fair enough.
wanna join our quest? and can i have a donut please.
"Yargh
wargh narght? Argh narghver harghve arghny carghstarghmarghs agrhywargh."
The orc is now accompanying you on your quest.
>_
sweet
continue down road,
great news!
but please can you stop talking with your mouth full, now that the whelk has cured your speech impediment?
"Yargh
Uarghnfarghtunarghtly thargh Wharghlk darghdn't arghctuarghly warghk."
>_
well, i suppose we'll have to live with it
although i'd imagine it'll quickly become frustrating for you, Mr Orc. is there anything else in our inventory which might help? and what's your name, since we're questing together?
"My name is
Magnus Magnusson. My parents were big Mastermind fans."
>_
I've never eaten a krispy kreme doughnut
buy one and carry on walking.
you and your orc pal
carry on down the red path. Surely you must be nearly at the cave now?
It starts to rain.
>_
walk down the path
some more?
phew, glad i'm not at glastonbury in this weather
i'd much rather be nearing a cosy cave...
Ask the orc
what he knows about the cave and if he has any questions he might like answered, ask him about his family.
"Thargh carghve arghf
barghdarghr-scarght-droorgh? argh've barghn thargh warghnce barghfargh. Arght's garghded bargh sarghvarghn farghsome warghriarghsrs."
>_
> Check inventory for translation dictionary
you do not have
dictionary.
Anyway he's speaking english. he just has a speech impediment.
racist.
>_
I can't read the first part
but the second sentence is:
"I've been through there once before. It's guarded by savage fearsome warriors."
*seven
>_
He's been to the cave once before
ask him how he feels about brandishing his sword at the 7 warriors
while peter and i sneak in behind them.
but first ask if he's pally with them
You switch on the subtitles
"no, the warriors are no friends of mine. There were eight of them once, I killed one of their number. A beast called Bugunam. I was too weak to defeat the others. I will help you fight them, I'm sure the warrior who defeated the dread beast of Shadrigo-Della-Bono can defeat a measly seven vicious heavily armed highly trained killing machines. Besides the parrot will help."
>_
urm
i was kind of hoping that you'd distract them while me and peter here nipped into the cave. i'm a lover, not a fighter, like michael jackson.
"No offence like"
says Magnus Magnusson the orc "But I'm not laying down my life for you. You seem like a nice guy. But we've only just met and all you've done is give me a whelk."
>_
Hmm I think the orc thinks to highly of our strength
Ask if we need to take any other weapons and ask what the weaknesses of the 7 fearsome warriors are.
"Well,
I'm assuming you have some kind of concealed weapons already? Unless you expect to defeat seven warriors with a parrot and a peashooter? You must have a big invisible sword, right?"
>_
i've got this toilet brush...
it's pretty fearsome in its own way.
"I'm starting to have doubts
about joining you in this quest. You don't seem to plan ahead much."
>_
well magnus, the thing is
it's very hard to plan ahead when you're double-cursed.
i understand if you don't want to accompany me any more, why don't you just head back to your doughnut stall? i think you'll find the way back is down that path, past the 7 fearsome warriors over there. i'll just be innocently sneaking into the cave behind their backs whilst they attack you to avenge their dead companion.
or we can act like a team
and come up with a plan involving this toilet brush, the whelks, peter the parrot and his family photos.
please elaborate
I'll implement any plan you suggest but I'm not doing it for you. I'm the gamesmaster not your mum.
>_
"I may be an orc
but I'm not stupid. I don't mind helping you fight but if you pussy out on me then I know a curse or two of my own. Can I have another whelk?"
>_
sure, enjoy!
toss magnus a whelk.
consult peter regarding an effective battle plan.
"How many whelks
are in the bag?" asks magnus "No matter how many I eat it always seems to be full. It's like some kind of infinite whelk-bag!"
>_
damn, 2 efforts at getting the gamesmaster to do the hard work thwarted
ok, load sled with peter, magnus and self, launch whelks at guards' faces, and shoot any stragglers with peas...
you're not at the cave yet
and even if you were this would be a stupid idea. This isn't the (frankly quite wimpy) beast of s-d-b now. These people are guarding infite knowledge!
>_
so we can find out what a custard cushion is for?
and end our quest?
this is indeed a battle worth fighting.
send peter to fly over the cave and its environs and come back with a detailed reconnaisance report.
Peter flaps off into the sky
and comes back looking terrified.
"The warriors all have ten arms! Each holding a massive sword! And they've actually got proper armour and stuff and they're having a fight now just to warm up. And they've no broadband connection! I might go home to Valerie."
>_
ask magnus
how he won his fight with these seemingly invincible guards.
in the meantime commence brewing intoxicating liquor from whelk juice.
"Well
the guards each hate a different eighties pop culture star. I discovered that Bugunam cannot abide Keith Chegwin, to the point of physical pain. So I did an impression of him and chopped his head off whilst he was weakened. i can only guess at which other faded has beens the other guards would respond to.
"It's like each one has an achilles heel, but with celebrities."
>_
We spared your life
don't leave us now Peter!
"I'll stay with you for now
but i've got a family to support. It's alright for you. You all exist outside the strange crossover between dungeons and dragons and hello magazine that is this reality. You can all go home afterwards. If i die in this reality I'm dead forever."
Way to break the fourth wall Peter.
>_
Tell Peter to stop being such a drama queen
then thank him for staying and promise him cocktails once this adventure is over.
"ace
"I like Mojitos. Maybe you can come and meet Valerie sometime? Are you married? We like to swing."
>_
Swinging is fine
I think I draw the line at parrots, no offense like. However, who knows after a couple of Mojitos?
Give him a whelk
and ask if the stall does a sideline in invisble warrior weapons.
"Sadly not"
"Are you serious that you have no weapons? Not even any magic powers? Or magical implements?"
>_
my owls are dead
and my bobble hat disintegrated. i have only my limited wits and a paperweight.
"well the paperweight
worked against the dread best" magnus points out.
>_
Also can't teleport
due to all the bloody curses. Peter has laser eyes and we have a sceptre that we don't know how to use until we get into the cave to ask the person with the answers.
what level are we on?
this seems to be getting a bit tricky
level 3?
If you like.
>_
forgot about the laser eyes
how powerful are they? will they help heat my whelk juice up to the right temperature for rapid fermentation to take place? warriors love to get sozzled on potent alcoholic whelk juice...
don't know if you noticed this bit
http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2118126
>_
ok
peter, you're a parrot, can you do a convincing bob carolgees? les dennis? timmy mallett?
"Well
I can try."
>_
Genius idea!
I'm sorry I have to draw the line somewhere
or this adventure is in danger of getting silly.
>_
the sceptre!
for fuck's sake!
you examine the sceptre for
the first time since going to extraordinary lengths to obtain it.
It has three buttons on the side. Red Blue and Green. There is a mystic symbol next to each but you don't know what it means.
>_
honestly, I go for one no-fag break...
Ask Magnus if he understands the symbols
"I run a donut stand
"I'm not exactly a classics scholar."
>_
we need neville to use his charm
to find out who the warriors hate and then impersonate them. YEAH!
you killed neville
>_
oh :(
poor neville. All he wanted to do was live and love!
omg zlone
they killed neville!
I know
I'm pretty gutted. I think we (us, parrot and orc) should get all in a circle and say some words for neville.
I for one, will miss him terribly.
You and peter and magnus
say a small prayer for Neville's soul.
There is a bliding flash and suddenly a ghost-duck appears.
"Hello cheekies!" says the ghost of Neville "I'm back. i don't mind you killing me. I'm fairly easygoing like that. Plus I've discovered there is an afterlife - but only for ducks. Turns out the bible is wrong and God is actually a duck. Who'dda thunk it? As you have enlightened me I will come on your quest and help you!"
You are now accompanied by Neville the Ghost duck.
>_
YES!
ask him to practice his 80s impersonations.
I feel sure the sceptre should be of some use here
ask the two birds if they can shed any light
you show the sceptre
to Peter and Neville but both are stumped.
"Maybe you could just try pressing the buttons and see what happens?" says Neville.
"No!" warns Peter "This sceptre has immense power! for all you know one of the buttons is 'self-destruct' or you might not be pointing it the right way and end up zapping yourself."
who do you listen to?
>_
can neville
go and ask the duck god?
^
good idea
"Nope"
says Neville "I can only return from the dead once. If I go back into the afterlife that's it forever."
>_
I wish Joe was here
who's joe?
>_
player: joeymahone
ok wait a second
'self-destruct' buttons are only in films don't they. If it did exist, it would at least have one of those clear plastic guards over it. Don't you think, feathered friends?
"Possibly"
concedes Peter. "My point still stands. That is a powerful sceptre and we don't know what each button does."
>_
is there an instruction manual?
is it like ableton live?
its a midi controller isn't it?
what you mean does it have
built in tutorials? No it doesn't. It's a sceptre.
>_
ah fuck it
I say we try it out. We have to give it to Holly soon anyway, and we can't do that without getting a chance to use it first. That'd be lame.
Okay
There is an end with a big ball on. and an end with a small ball on. Which way do you point it and which button do you press?
>_
we point it sideways
so neither end is pointing at us.
Press the....green button.
after warning magnus, peter and neville to get out the way
btw
but this is a crazy parallel universe!
No it isn't
we've already established that this game is set in middlesborough.
>_
shall we just get to the fucking cav efirst before possibly killing ourselves!
okay
what's it gonna be?
test the sceptre out first? or wait til yr at the cave and use a combination of Neville's 80s impressions, Magnus' sword skillz, peter's laser eyes and your own inventiveness to try and defeat the seven warriors?
Vote now. Gamesmaster's going for lunch.
>_
me too
hold fire on the last suggestion
I vote for the latter option
I'm kind of interested to see what celeberities the warriors hate.
Don't use the sceptre, after all "with great power comes GREAT RESPONSIBILITY!!!" I think I'd rather stay unresponsible, personally.
irresponsible*
Okay
you decide to press on to the cave. After another mile or so you have arrived and you see the Seven Warriors outside.
They are listening to Limp Bizkit and doing pushups and sparring with each other. Proper meathead stylee. They haven't yet noticed your arrival.
The ground is littered with hundreds of bones and human skulls. The scent of freshly spilled blood is in the air.
what do you do?
>_
use the skulls and bones to create
a giant iron maiden eddie. get neville to impersonate a shred-fretting metal solo guaranteed to shit on limp bizkit. have magnus thrash the shit out of more skulls arranged as a makeshift drumkit. wield the sceptre like freddie mercury's mike stand.
as it happens
two of the warriors really hate iron maiden and freddy mercury and fall to the ground clutching their heads in pain. Peter promptly uses his eye lasers to evaporate them . The other five warriors grab their weapons and rush towards you.
You have only a split second to decide what to do!
>_
run like the wind
while singing an 80's medley of a-ha, bananarama, duran duran, timmy mallet, the human league...
three more warriors
clutch their heads at your awful singing of camp classics. Peter promptly lasers them. Two warriors are still in hot pursuit.
>_
RELAX, go to it,
when two tribes go to war,
the power of love, a force from above.
frankie them to death!!!
.
GOING LOCO DOWN IN ACAPULCO!! This will kill anything, ever.
start singing
songs by the twang...tho that might just kill everyone...
Your string of good luck continues
One more warrior falls clutching his head and magnus chops his head off. The one warrior left raises his sword and fires a beam of flame with vaporises magnus instantly. Leaving only a sad little pile of ash and a krispy kreme packet floating in the breeze.
"ENOUGH!" cries the remaining warrior "My eighties pet hate is so obscure that you will never guess it! My brethren have fallen because they are weak. But I am The Original Warrior. He whose name is so Dread that none may speak it lest their tongue burst into flames! (you should have been at my christening)
"You are powerless to defeat me!"
>_
i'm sorry, what did you say your name was?
.
"What do you think i am?
"Some sort of idiot?"
>_
use the midi controller i guess
what are the buttons again?
Red Blue and Green
also it has small end and big end.
>_
point the big end
towards whatshisname the ogre and press blue.
you push the
button and a beam of light shoots out of the side of the sceptre setting fire to a nearby panda.
"Ha! You don't even know how to use this weapon." cries He Who Must Not Be Named. With that he snatches the sceptre from your hands and breaks it over his knee.
>_
scream mother fucking cuntbag at him
run up and snap his neck like its nothing more than a pooh stick, while laughing manically about how holly will still love us. SHE WILL STILL LOVE US, it tell you, LOVE US.
*I
unless the sceptre has started talking.
You leap onto the
warrior and start punching furiously at his neck. but his armour is too tough.
"Get off me you queer!" he shouts "What are you trying to do? Bum me?" The homophobic warrior flings you from his back and you land painfully on the ground.
Peter and the ghost of Neville fly around you panicked.
"What now boss?" quacks Neville.
>_
start singing the theme
to Wizbit
wham.
surely. culture beat?
failing that, start crying.
you start singing
'ha ha thisaway. ha ha thataway!' and He Who Must Be Named is suddenly wracked with pain. "For fuck's sake. I fucking hate that song. ARGH!"
Quick! He's down! What now?
>_
grab his sword and hit
him in the face, saying youll like this, not a lot, but youll like it
You wrench the sword
from his helpless hands. All the white continuing to sing the wizzbit them as you chop his face firmly in half.
He Who Must Not Be Named drops to the ground stone dead. You have gained access to the cave but at what cost? The sceptre of Zatoth-Khan is snapped in twain, and your newly found friend Magnus Magnusson the Orc has been slain. Oh cursed day!
>_
Whatevs
What else can we nick from the dead warriors?
good
suitable 1/2 hour mourning for magnus. lets pillage.
maybe they have some sellotape
or glue to stick the sceptre back together? or how about we render the fat from their bodies and use it to make some glue?!
There are all manner
of massive swords and shields and armoud plates and things. You'd struggle to carry any of them though.
You do, however, find several pictures of the warriors families in their pockets. One of them has a child's portrait of an armoured man fighting off monsters with 'My brave daddy' written on it.
One of them has quite a nice watch too.
>_
balls
examine sceptre. Does it look fixable?
It's quite a neat break
the two pieces fit back together with only a hairline crack. An adhesive might not restore the magical powers though.
The stench of burning panda fills the air.
>_
use panda gloop to fix sceptre
that wasn't a hint
I just remembered that you'd incinerated a panda and that I should try and maintain some vague continuity.
>_
dammit, boil the warrior's bones and skin to make glue!
easy
mince around singing
"follow the yellow brick road" before launching into club tropicana, and a medley of pet shop boys classics
So
You have slain the seven warriors who guard the cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog, which contains the stallactite of Membo-Stran-Floscinop, which allegedly contains the imprisoned spirit of the ancient mystic Frednoth-trango-bonaparte who knew the answer to every question ever, except sport ones.
BUT! The sceptre of Zatoth-Khan has been broken in the process. Now you cannot use its powers or give it to Holly Golightly so that she will reveal the secret at the heart of your quest. Holly is deep within the mountains of Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro but you do not know where.
You are accompanied by Peter, your faithful parrot friend. And the ghost of the amazing Neville - a duck with the ability to impersonate anything.
What now, noble adventurer?
>_
Go into the cave
and ask ancient mystic Frednoth-trango-bonaparte how we can fix the sceptre. Are we limited to how many questions we can ask him? Why were we visiting him in the first place?
You go into the cave
And there is the stallactite of Membo-Stran-Floscinop. There is no sign of the spirit of Frednoth. You'll have to try and summon him somehow using your ingenuity.
I don't know specifically why you were visiting him. You just saw him listed on a map or something. Don't forget that your entire quest thus far has been determined by your own collective whim to discover how to use a 'custard cushion'.
There's no actual objective to this game. You can forget the whole thing and just go on another killing spree if you want. It's like the real world in the absence of God. Your morality and purpose come from within.
>_
I really do want to know how to use the custard cushion.
Can we try shouting Frednoth, maybe there is a doorbell around or something?
You shout
'frednoth!'. there is no reply.
there is no doorbell.
>_
Ask Peter or Neville
if they know of any mystical chants involving whelks that may summon frednoth.
"I once heard
my old man singing a song called 'The Infinite Whelk Song'" says Neville "We have infinite whelks, right?"
>_
We do, we do!
Sing the infinite whelk song Neville.
Neville starts to sing
"There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk, "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk ...."
It seems Neville's song has got him stuck into some ghostly loop he can't get out of. And there's no sign of Frednoth.
>_
Oh shit.
SO now we have to figure how to get Neville out of the loop and summon Frednoth. Can we teleport to buy some cider to drink whilst we think?
so Frednoth is 'in' the stallactite
throw the paperweight at it and hope it drops/breaks and frees the spirit of Frednoth
you throw the
amethyst paper weight at the stallactite. It doesn't fall (because it's actually massive), but cracks do appear. the paperweight breaks in half.
>_
empty out the bag of whelks
so that we get a massive massive pile of whelks, which we can climb up in order to get close enough to the stalagmite to give it a big old whack and dislodge it
savvy?
You
upend the bag several times (see note 1) and eventually create a whelk mountain. You climb up this shaky structure and begin whacking and whacking at the stalactite until eventually the main tip falls off.
you now have item 'stalactite'.
>_
1) the science of the infinite whelk bag is such that you can only get the equivalent of one bagful of whelks out at any one time. As soon as you look away the bag is instantly filled again. This is because of quantum physics.
I think
we should break up a bit of the stallactite and snort it.
Is Neville still going?
looks like it
>_
throw some
whelks into the depth of the cave. and at neville, and anything that happens to move. or not move.
how many whelks?
remember you have an infinite amount. you don't want to get stuck like neville.
I think it might actually be a bug in the game code.
>_
375
no more, no less.
you throw
the required amount of whelks around the room. Still the bag is not empty. Now the floor is littered with whelks and the room smells.
There is still no sign of frednoth.
Perhaps a non-whelk-based solution is the answer?
>_
can i have an inventory check please?
thks
some whelks
a parrot
a pencil
a plastic davina mccall doll
custard cushion
toilet brush
earplugs
some money
bread
peas - dried
pea shooter
amethyst paperweight
tobacco
sled
broken sceptre
Pick the whelks up
just in case
????
http://www.drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2126561
ah
I didn't see that...
>_
wank
and wait to some genious idea to pop in my head.
I think
we should break up an bit of the stallactite and snort it. see what happens.
I'm still waiting
wait longer
do you honestly think I'm still awake at this time? I went to bed hours ago!
>_
.
Is it stallactite-snorting-o'clock yet? I find it really gets me through that pesky 11.30 til 1pm lull.
I think so
get snorting
look right
this game is not finished until I get bored of it.
become the gamemaster then.
go on.
okay
i'll carry on.
what do you want to do now? do you REALLY want to snort the stallactite?
>_
i reckon that he does.
if we die, then at least that will be that.
okay
you crumble off a bit of the stallactite and suddenly you are transported to a mystic plain where you see an old bearded man waxing a camel.
>_
*and snort it
>_
excuse me,
sir, but would you happen to be frednoth?
The old man looks at you
"Aye, lad. That be me alreet."
>_
high five frednoth
you raise your hand
ready to give frednoth 'five', but as he is from a civilisation thousands of years older than our own he does not understand the significance of the gesture.
>_
high ten?
I knewed it
compliment his camel
you comment
on the sturdy hump of his camel.
"Cheers, lad. Nice to meet a good lad like thyself. To be sure."
>_
say:
"I'm supposed to ask you about something really important but this thread's so bloody long, I can't remember what it is now"
"Well ask me something else then"
"I know the answer to all questions. Except sport ones."
>_
question one
what are we supposed to ask you?
"To be honest
"No consensus was reached. You just saw me advertised on the noticeboard and came to find me. No one ever actually discussed what you were going to ask me when you arrived."
>_
can he fix our
sceptre, where is holly, what are next weeks lottery numbers.
all T.I.T.S. atandants will be able to supply you with super glue and other
bonding materials, they are all qualified to offer expert advice on fixing a wide range of objects......so if you break your mums best vase at a wild youth party, why not collect all the pieces and the next time you need a really good tranquil p** why not pop down to your nearest 'T.I.T.S loo-haven and bring the vase with you our attendant/operatives will fix the vase as you p**.
"no.
she is in the cave of Shiznay-Uber-Disko. 6, 14, 57, 9, 21, 32."
>_
All 'loo-havens' (Trademark)
will also contain a coin slot operated random word, number and excuse generator.
what has this
got to do with the adventure?
>_
choose
a) the broken sceptre is malfunctioning and has cause a space/time/ rift in the threads
b) product placement is rife in cinema, it was only a matter of time before it discovered the opportunities afforded by textual RPGs
c) its a surreal offer of a 'deus ex machina' to get sceptres fixed, because the camel-waxing man might know of a nearby 'loo-haven' upon this mystic plain, but unless you ask him you'll never find out
sod that
ask Frednoth if he knows how/where we can get it fixed, not if he can fix it.
This is too much of a cliffhanger...
can we fix the sceptre?
Does his camel talk?
I think the computer has crashed
and/or restlessboy is a lazy twunt
no i think he is feigning pique at my advert interuption
and is trying to make me out as a killer of his thread so that he can secretly retire from continuing, this thread, his monstrous brainchild and offspring (because he has secretly grown tired of it)
or it could be
that I go home from work and don't wish to devote my time to waiting for people to post in this thread.
we'll carry on properly tomorrow.
x
>_
^ what he said
i keep seeing this thread and thinking
"yes, yes i am"
you've solved the game!
Okay
You are in the mystical snorted-stallactite dimension talking to Frednoth the omniscient, who can answer any question - except sport ones.
You're background quest is to take the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan to Holly Golightly so she will tell you how to use the custard cushion. The sceptre is, however, broken.
You have established that Holly is in the cave of Shiznay-Uber-Disco.
What now, noble adventurer?
>_
Ask frednoth for directions to the cave of Shiznay-Uber-Disco!
"I'll tell you what
I'll draw you a map. Don't worry about it crossing back into the physical realm. It'll be fine."
you now have item 'map to cave'.
>_
Alright!
Does anyone else have any questions to ask Frednoth before we ask him to get back to the physical realm?
*how
dear frednorth,
i met a girl and i didnt like her that much, but ive seen her a few times and im starting to like her a lot. im slightly worried that maybe i was right to not like her that much in the first place, and ive been blinded by the hot sex, and that my little heart will end up broken again.
what is a boy to do?
yours,
confused of kennington
xx
Frednoth
where are the records i left in the pub yesterday?
thanks!
"They are still
in the pub. The man got the landlord to lock them up safely behind the counter. (probably)"
>_
YES!!!
thanks frednorth
i'll send you the bill for replacements if you are wrong
x
"No problem
just send to the celestial plane where money has no value."
>_
"Accept that
hot sex will play a large part in how you feel. And that being with someone who you enjoy their company and hot sex is not inherently harmful. You will reach a point where the hot sex starts to lose its novelty value and you will then be able to make a more rational assessment of whether this person is 'a keeper'. Getting to know a person takes a long time. Not being sure is not, in itself, a reason to cut and run. Unless there are deeper routed reasons why you feel she may be wrong for you.
"Ps - pics plz"
>_
WAIT!
ask Frednoth is he knows how/where we can get the sceptre fixed
"The only
man who can fix the sceptre is its creator, Jesruci-Fup-Diego. But he died long ago. Perhaps you can find a way to travel through time?"
Just as he is speaking the connection with the spiritual plain starts to fade and you find yourself back in the cave.
>_
cock it
do not understand command
'cock it'
>_
exit the cave
then scratch head a bit
you stand outside the cave
and scratch your head.
it starts to rain.
>_
cock it
real adventurers
don't use language like that.
>_
Are we wearing a digital watch?
Is there any way we can break it open and let some of the rainwater in, with the resulting electronic crazyness turning our watch into a time machine?
you do not
have item 'digital watch'.
>_
Oh aye
some whelks
a parrot
a pencil
a plastic davina mccall doll
custard cushion
toilet brush
earplugs
some money
bread
peas - dried
pea shooter
amethyst paperweight
tobacco
sled
broken sceptre
I wonder if they sell time machines at the gift shop?
i say we try and find that shop
that Mr. Ben used to go into.
have a look-see at that map
the map
shows the way to the cave of Shiznay-Uber-Disco.
>_
anyone
want to go to the cave then?
>_
ps - i think we'll try and end the adventure at around 1,000 posts.
Can someone fill me in?
I wasn't listening.
see above
>_
We're trying to find Holly Golightly
so that she can explain what to do with the custard cushion we have. We're supposed to give her a sceptre but we broke it during one of the many, many battles we've gotten into. We have a map to Holly's place but the sceptre's broken. The only person who can fix the sceptre is dead. We probably need a time machine.
you are in the mountains of
Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro - there are no iKiosks.
>_
Go to gift shop
search for time machine.
you go to the gift shop
there is no time machine but there is a range of beautifully illustrated rulers depicting the creation of earth by God (aka a giant mallard).
>_
ask the shopkeeper
if he knows where the nearest time machine is.
You address
the shopkeep.
"Time machine?" he scratches his head "Doesn't doctor who live in cardiff? He's got one."
>_
Teleport to Doctor Who's house
you don't know where that is
so you just teleport to Cardiff instead.
You are outside cardiff castle.
>_
Ask castle attendant for direction to Doctor Who's house
you try to enter the castle
but are driven away by a vicious peacock.
>_
try to reason with the peacock,
give it some whelks
ask neville and peter to talk man-on-man, well duck/parrot on peacock.
peacocks are notoriously
irrational.
>_
"We don't speak peacock
language" explain Peter and Neville "Why don't we go somewhere other than the castle?".
>_
collapse into a pile of tears on the shop floor
occasionally letting out the occasional whimper of, 'but it's so far away"!
er, mental
http://www.drownedinsound.com/user/view/27209
maybe you could
pm her and ask her if she can tell you how to use a custard cushion?
it'd save a lot of fuss.
>_
to be honest, im not sure
how well that would go down.
well, probably not that mental
but us newcomers, and all that. (been here over a year...)
you do know that
http://www.drownedinsound.com/bands/6779 ?
no.
missed that trick eh!
has this all been an advertising ruse?
http://www.drownedinsound.com/articles/2142504
yes
her new album explains the mystery of the custard cushion.
>_
dang. go to nearest record shop
to try and purchase said album.
you go to spiller records
and purchase the album on vinyl.
then you realise that the gamesmaster was having a little joke.
However you have supported one of the country's finest independent music retailers so you have a warm feeling inside.
you now have item 'holly golightly LP'
>_
wank
you now have item
sticky hand
>_
if you check
you'll note that you already have this item.
http://www.drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2080595
>_
plus creamy substance, that
we can feed to the peacock?
give up