There are doors to the North East and South. There is a large wooden table on which are some objects. An old man is sleeping in a chair.
your point being?
his name is Ferdinand.
* command 'piss on' unknown.
under the table
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I don't understand, please try again
I do not understand 'Bogle to Aswad'
and since Dodgy reformed your tribute act bookings have plummeted.
If there is a spy glass, hold it up to the eye shield so we can spy on Lord Fear.
is a bible, a banana, and a toilet brush.
4) stop playing silly computer games, you're a grown man now?
Save the banana for lunch and take the toilet brush to ward off trolls in the forest.
I'm rubbish at these games.
you now have item
'dead old man'
he'll just hold you up. Rummage through his pockets then leave him propped in the chair.
by feeligns of wholesomeness and paternal altruism.
Have I won yet?
of tongued werthers
Surely with a name like that you'd be bound to turn out evil...
He drinks in my local.
Does he have a shirt with 'Fear' written on the back.
He was born in Sutton and then played for United in the last few days of his career.
He now drinks and bets in Sutton's most ill-respected public houses and bookies and regales people of stories from his career if you catch him in a good mood.
"I don't know how to 'ride'"
"I don't know how to 'shut'"
"Go and wash your mouth out, filthy child."
with items 'toilet brush' and 'banana.'
*makes flashy portal type noise*
there is a tree. In the tree is a parrot. on the floor is some pixie dust.
Behind you is the building you just came out of.
you can go east or west.
and take the parrot.
the pixie dust combines with werther's original to give you magic teleportation powers.
then teach it swear words.
Teleport to a beach.
its laser eye beams to destroy your projectiles. It already knows 'cunt', 'bollocks', and 'hasselhoff'.
you attempt to teleport to a beach but find yourself in a star trek convention. Guess you don't know how to use your powers properly yet! You teleport back to the tree.
then go west.
is the magic word. The parrot is now your friend.
go west is a shit song.
then make a cart.
'parrot brand wooden cart'
and roll, at a safe speed, down the closest bank.
The counter is manned by Omar Rodriguez from the Mars Volta who has fallen on hard times since everyone realised they hadn't listened to Frances the Mute since the month it came out cos it's absolute wank.
to rid Omar of his fro thus leaving him with a short back and sides. Then aim the banana at him and proceed to rob the bank whilst screaming 'whatever possesed you?'
'banana' - you swapped it for a whelk in a parallel universe.
you cannot rob a bank with a whelk.
Pick up a chair, smash it and repeat last instruction replacing banana with chair leg.
I wanted to eat the banana later, gutted :(
with the chair leg and steal the money.
you now have item '$1million'.
then visit the local arms dealer to purchase an M40.
'Daniel Johnston's Family Gun Emporium'. Daniel is at the counter polishing a super-soaker.
Go to the nearest food place to eat.
Holly Golightly's Pizza Co.
Thereby simplifying my job by converging the two lines of narrative.
see bottom of thread.
We left empty-handed.
Ignore this, I'm getting confused
and hide old man in tree.
the tree and smashes to bits on the floor. You realise that he was a robot in disguise.
use phone to text 'girls' to 80040
you now have item 'sticky hands'. This increases your carrying power by +1.
can you rephrase that?
and then go west
going west you pass the Springfield tire fire. Homer Simpson is sitting nearby selling whelks from a wooden crate.
'I'm Homer Simpson. How do you do? Do you like Whelks?'.
for some whelks.
you now have item 'whelk'.
on a busy shopping street. You are near Starbucks, Anne Summers, and Holly Golightly's Pizza Co.
and try and bargain with the one of the staff to swap the toilet brush for something.
'Babs' is on duty.
"Hmmm... a toilet brush. We could possibly sell that to someone with a poop fetish. Yes I will swap it for either a Dog Hoover, a Custard Cushion, or a Bouncing Knobbler."
Which do you choose?
thank Babs and exit the shop. Go to Holly Golightly's Pizza Co.
You enter Holly's Pizza. She is at the counter.
'Hi, I'm Holly Golightly, as heard on 'It's true that we love one another. Though I believe I may have made other records too. What can I get you?'.
how do i use this custard cushion?
"but first you must bring me the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan".
within the cave of Khair-Danoth".
"first turning off Junction 24. It's next to a Frankie & Benny's. You'll see the gift shop first. You can't miss it, it's in the shape of the Dread Symbol of Higuresh.
> touch Holly in her Special Place.
you lose -1 Health Point.
> ask Holly for a stuffed-crust pizza with extra cheese.
> apologise to holly, and offer to bring her both Sceptre of Zatoth-Khan and a copy of Icky Thump on vinyl.
"Now find the sceptre!"
Realise the need for transportation and decide to look for an car/bike/bus.
smiling with an innocent joy at the simplicity of motion.
the bus station is two blocks away.
there is a car hire place on the other side of town.
then ride off
turns briefly to anguish as its head is snapped from its neck and rolls into the gutter.
You hop on the bike and pedal off at top speed. The screams of distressed passers by fill your ears.
where to now?
via the Big Brother house.
you can see all the characters who are currently in big brother who I don't know the names of.
there is a table with objects on it.
An Orc Warlord is threatening the big brothers with a big axe.
Orc Warlord to commit bloody murder of the housemates.
and commits bloody slaughter. Soon the BB house is strewn with dismembered corpses. It is impossible to decide where one housemate ends and another begins. lol.
Big brother calls you to the diary room. Do you go?
To complain that I wanted to kill them with the water wings.
and cannot be killed"
what do you say?
I wanted to kill the housemates with the waterwings.
To the bat cave.
clap and cheer for the Orc Warlord, he's doing ok!
is a pair of water wings, a book called 'Minging for Dummies', a small barrel of Old Speckled Hen, and a pekinese puppy called Ifor.
you can carry two more items.
and barrel of Old Speckled Hen.
Drink barrel of Old Speckled Hen and wear armbands.
Leave Big Brother House unaware that everything that just happened was caught of camera.
quest to Khair-Danoth.
you notice that the bike you stole is gone.
you are surrounded by armed police.
"Hands up! you are under for three counts of murder and and ten counts of accessory to murder by Orc! Come peacefully!"
What do you do?
you'd be able to build a cart.
robot dancing skills with your teleportation spell and disappear just as the bullets start to fly.
You find yourself in a mysterious forest. Woodland creatures are all around? A squirrel approaches.
"Hello. Friend or foe?"
with a pathetic squeak.
Suddenly thousands of owls swoop from the trees and attack you hooting violently.
"you killed our leader, the mighty Jason, you dick!"
befuddled and amazed by the water wings. They gather into a huddle to discuss the implications of the squashy orange life aid.
what do you do?
what the result of their discussion is.
What a to-do.
wish to make you their king.
do you accept?
ask owls if they will take me to Khair-Danoth.
and walk forward nodding.
"do you want us to carry you through the air? or will you walk and we will lead the way?"
The tree I've been sheltering from the rain under has just burst into flames, in quite an implausible manner, and I'd like to get out of here sharpish
and fly you off through the skies toward Khair-Danoth. You soon arrive and are dropped safely outside the gift shop where Davina McCall stands interviewing a dead horse.
overpriced chocolate. maps of the cave of Khair Danoth.
oh and davina mccall memorabilia.
and buy a map of the cave of Khair Danoth.
it comes with colouring pencils. It doesn't say anything about the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan.
A very pointy pencil and a Davina McCall doll.
'pencil' & item 'davina mcdoll'.
how to use the custard cushion.
> hang up
it starts to rain.
sets on fire.
in an attempt to show owls that treachery will not be tolerated.
i'll go along with this.
you also lose -1 health point.
It doesn't do anything I tell it to do, I prefer restlessboy as the games master.
Real adventurers do not use such language.
That's not a verb I recognise.
Real adventurers do not use such language.
Real adventurers do not use such language.
Real adventurers do not use such language.
Real adventurers do not use such language.
Real adventurers do not use such language.
Now how will I show you how to find the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan?"
the real Davina McCall no longer feels the pain of her bleeding eyes.
"Okay. I can help you. But i still can't fucking see. You'll have to guide me if I'm going to help you find the sceptre".
The cave entrance is nearby, you can also see the gift shop and a welshman.
anything about the sceptre, or if he has spare eyes he can give to Davina.
with a fotheringay," says the welshman. "As it happens I have detachable eyes which can be immediately implanted into someone else's sockets. You can borrow one of them, but you must bring it back or the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep with fall on your family for three generations!"
There is a crash of thunder.
Davina now has item 'Welshman's bionic eye'.
"I don't dye my hair, I'm a yummy mummy!" she drawls in her interminable way.
"I'm too offended to lead you to the sceptre now!".
is too busy weeping to lead you to the sceptre.
(she's always pregnant..)
real adventurers wouldn't touch Davina with a barge pole. Not even for the sceptre of Khair-Danoth.
Khair-Danoth's the cave isn't it?
I knew that. was just testing you.
for the loss of her beautiful eyes.
you heartless wench.
and endemol haven't sacked her
davina is weeping uncontrollably.
she will stop crying and help you.
If we give Davina the custard cushion the mission is pointless as we are trying to find the sceptre to take to Holly so she can tell us what the custard cushion does. Give Davina the parrot instead.
ignore my above post.
is not interested in the custard cushion. she already has one.
she's just weeping and weeping. maybe you shouldn't have stabbed her eyes out with a pencil and insulted her if you wanted her to help? just a thought....
Do you try and appease Davina or just go into the cave without her?
Give her a whelk.
my favourite. Full of healthy amino acids! Let's go!".
You head off into the cave. Passing glowing funghi that adorn the walls. Plastic models of dinosaurs and those big boring billboards which have brass rubbings of history.
you reach a cave filled with bats.
"here i must leave you." says davina. "The beast of Shadrigo-della-Bono dwells beyond this cave and I fear him."
She turns to leave.
and tell her you hope her eyes are better soon. Walk further into the cave.
a you pass a small gnome wearing a My Chemical Romance hoodie.
"you don't want to go that way squire!"
do you stop and talk to him or carry on?
why we shouldn't go that way. Also ask his opinion on the new MCR single 'Teenagers'.
because the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan is down there and no one who has seen it has ever lived to tell the tale!"
tis said the best of Shadrigo-della-bono has eighteen heads, each more ugly than the last. It has twenty three arms, each holding a weapon more deadly than the last. It breathes fire and shits mars bars.
"This is all pure conjecture however, as everyone who has ever seen it is dead. Still, if you're heading that way anyway give him my regards...."
Erm, can I have an inventory update please? I can't remember what items we have.
a plastic davina mccall doll
a wooden cart
phone. there is a picture of hot girls. they are hot.
thank the emo gnome, equip self with parrot and pencil. Continue further inside cave.
with a jaunty rendition of the Aswad song 'Shine'.
different from the one you are in now.
I am recording the sound of my speaking voice and I am going to play it back into the room again and again until the resonant frequencies of the room reinforce themselves so that any semblance of my speech, with perhaps the exception of rhythm, is destroyed.
What you will hear, then, are the natural resonant frequencies of the room articulated by speech.
I regard this activity not so much as a demonstration of a physical fact, but more as a way to smooth out any irregularities my speech might have.
in the distance you hear a low menacing sound, dulled slightly by the earplugs. The parrot squawks nervously.
There is a half eaten bag of marshmallows on the floor, spattered with blood.
your phone is covered in sugar and blood.
now your mouth tastes awful.
to make some kind of weapon on a stick
'telephonic sugarblood douche ray'.
as to whether it will be any use or not I cannot say.
you are the leader of owls.
That's my advice.
are outside the cave.
keep up, dur.
you stay there. We'll shout if we need you.
the floor is strewn with human bones. the sound gets louder. despite the earplugs you have, for some reason, chosen to wear.
On one wall you see the words 'Turn Bac ' written in what appears to be blood.
you reach a fork in the tunnel. you can go left or right or turn back.
to correct spelling on 'bac'
congratulate self on superior intellectual skillz
magically resurrects a nearby skeleton.
"hello," it says in a disembodied, ghostly voice. "I used to be called Dave. Where are you going?"
you could tell me. Use it on the cave wall.
telephonic douche ray against the wall.
the phone falls off the end.
you no longer have item 'telephonic sugarblood douche ray'.
> ask skeleton if he is the infamous "Dave, Leeds" you've heard so much about.
my name was Dave the Invincible. I fought in three world wars then went in search of the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan."
the beast of Shadrigo-della-bono.
"It killed me. So no."
if he knew that?
but done something daft and failed. I don't know. :(
that each of its heads has a name. And that they can only be killed in alphabetical order.
"Hope that helps."
With that the skeleton crumbles into dust.
the skeleton has already crumbled to dust.
in your head you hear the ghost of Dave the Invincible saying "i thank you for you tears, I can save your life once and once only. Just call my name."
the voice fades.
in your head you hear the voice of Dave the invincible. "Yeah, that's a bit weird frankly. It makes my soul tickle."
you lose -1 health point.
and find yourself in a brightly lit cave.
on a rock in the centre of the room sits what can only be the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan.
The rumbling sound appears to have stopped.
> order parrot to fly over and pick up Sceptre.
you never had the welshman. davina had his eye.
we do not have a consensus on whether or not to pick up the sceptre.
You have the time it takes games master to have lunch to decide between yourselves what to do.
I must depart for lunch also. See you at 2.
I should finish my lunch and get back to work...
the games master and the children adventurers are eating their lembas and ginger beer, i want to say that this is the greatest thread ever.
in my head
restlessboy : (on the left, with pickles) http://www.ukgameshows.com/page/images/thumb/3/37/Knightmare_treguardpickle.jpg/300px-Knightmare_treguardpickle.jpg
the cave where the sceptre is: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/67/Knightmarevr.jpg
and health points should really be spoken of in terms of life force i.e.
keep up the good work. god speed adventurer
it cautiously flies towards it and hovers uncertaintly over it. From the shadows behind an enormous figure comes looming. Could it be...?
The dread best of Shardrigo-della-bono!
It's every bit as fearsome as you could have imagined! It swipes at the parrot who squawks 'bollocks' and dashes back to perch on your shoulder, quaking with terror.
well prepared aren't you?
pretty sure you've still got them all.
> engage in honest commerce with the beast, and offer it half a million dollars for the sceptre.
foolish adventurer. All i like doing is sitting in this cave and guarding the sceptre and occasionally killing people. All my other needs are dealt with by my broadband connection which only costs £24.99 a month for unlimited down/uploads.
"Mwahahahaha! Now prepare to die!"
> offer him the hot girls, telling him that real ones = better than internet porn, even if you do have broadband.
are just pictures on your phone.
a while ago, remember?
that's why i asked for an inventory check!
but it's a doll, innit?
and while his vision is blurred attempt to 'interview' him with davina doll/
which pops satisfyingly and dribbles down its face.
"Ow! you cunt. There was no need to do that. Ow, fuck."
The beast now only has 47 eyes left.
but nevertheless hasn't yet attempted to kill us. I think this is a good sign.
and take another eye.
> insert toilet brush into beast's nose.
it has 18 faces remember?
some of its faces don't have noses. just terrifying implements of death.
was 1 head you could suggest it looked tired, offer it the ear plugs to go to sleep and then creep around it
are why you need to plan ahead.
always remember to take 18 of everything, everywhere you go
to find out where the wires for the dread beast of Shardrigo-della-bono's broadband connection are
in exchange for the sceptre?
If $500,000 won't swing it, I somehow doubt a wooden cart will do the trick
probably. Either that or the custard cushion.
parrot to disconnect the broadband cables
The whole reason we're in this cave is that we need the sceptre of Kahir-Danoth so Holly Golightly will teach us how to use the custard cushion. If we give it to the dread beast of Shardrigo-della-bono this whole quest will be rendered utterly pointless.
I'm losing it.
It can be tricky to keep up.
winner gets the sceptre. Offer Davina Doll as a deposit.
surely the beast will be a rap maestro
By that rationale, Blazin' Squad are better than Eric B and Rakim
had sex with charlotte church, did they?
I await Gavin Henson's debut joint with interest.
you quickly formulate a plan with the parrot, sending him off the cut off the beast's broadband connection using its laser beam eyes.
In the meantime you get into the wooden cart and scoot round the room as the beast chases you. All the while making 'I'm having fun' noises.
"oi!" says the beast "that looks fun, can i have go?"
a flaming pit or infinite drop at the back of the cave?
and if he wins, he gets to keep the sceptre. If we do, we get it.
Keep him intrested by calling him chicken etc.
"I can simply kill you whenever I please and take your stupid cart! Just as soon as I catch you!"
The beast lumbers after you and you continue scooting around.
"I want a go!" moans the beast.
You hear muffled squawks from the back of the cave but the beast does not seem to notice.
the parrot's on its own mission. In the meantime you're being chased round the room by an enormous death machine.
the parrot to bring back all the cables... then encircle the beast with the cables, tying up his legs a la star wars
your x wing wooden cart fighter of course
with the severed cables in its beak. It flies round the beasts enormous legs precisely once and fails to knot the cables because it's a parrot and only has a beak rather than fingers and opposable thumbs.
"What have you done?" screams the beast "My broadband! How am I supposed to watch Heroes on tv-links now? Right! forget any race for your gay little cart. I'm going to kill you!"
because i thought a humbug was a gay sweet?
coming on to the gamesmaster?
a minute or so
Keep scooting around, but start taunting the beast about his lack of agility
he obviously is just scared of losing.
well, worse than usual.
roars the beast. "Let me on the cart then and I'll show you who's fastest."
he can run.
if he wins, he can keep the cart.
Why are we so desperate to know how to work a bloody custard cushion?
"Why is no one who comes the cave ever nice to me?"
back in his broadband
give him your wooden trolley
give him a reach around
the broad band back in. the parrot severed the cables with his laser eyes.
you give the monster the wooden cart.
"Aw shucks. Maybe i can forgive you after all?"
He starts whizzing joyfully round the room. lost in the simple pleasure of motion. The parrot lands back on your shoulder.
and smile sweetly.
Tell the beast he can keep the wooden cart if we can take the sceptre.
Give the beast the custard cushion as a placatory gift, and ask if he likes Holly Golightly.
is too busy having fun on its new wooden cart to be arsed about cushions. In fact it's too busy to pay you much attention at all.
Take the sceptre and edge quietly out of the cave
sneak over to the pedestal that the sceptre rests on and lift it up quietly as the beast faffs about in the background making racing driver noises.
You are halfway down the corridor, sceptre in hand when you hear an angered shout from the cave and the sound of the beast riding the cart after you.
Also, can we have an inventory update please?
you left the shop straight away despite having an opportunity to talk to Daniel Johnston. Losers.
you no longer have the cart though obv.
as he promised.
Can he still do that? He did promise, but then we snorted him.
"Dave!" at the top of your voice. Your skeleton pal materialises and throws himself under the wheels of the cart which breaks into a million pieces due to its shoddy parrot workmanship.
The beast tumbles onto all eighteen of its faces and knocks itself out. It also gets a nasty splinter on one of its thumbs which will really hurt later and might go septic.
You continue out of the cave. Waving at that little gnome dude on the way.
You are now outside again next to the gift shop.
You now have item 'Sceptre of Zatoth-Khan.
one is green, one is blue, and one is shaped like the beast of Shadrigo-della-bono.
to remember his face for future reference.
the gift shop runs on an 'honesty box' policy.
and rest of gift shop.
go to the shops and buy a massive fuckin' sword, some matches, rope and some arsenic. We need protection.
get the bionic eye from her, and return it to the welshman to avoid the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep.
the welshman is still there, looking at you expectantly.
says the welshman. "you have until the sun sets to bring back my bionic eye or the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep will befall you!"
and see if it can see Davina
into the sky and comes back after a few minutes.
"I can see her," it says "she's far away heading back towards town on some sort of golf cart".
Look around and see if there's a nearby vehicle to commandeer.
landrover, shopping trolley, helicopter.
in the shop and ask apu if there's a golf course nearby... say it's an emergency so could they drive you. if they say yes. say, can you drive me to davina instead, i've gone off golf.
and take an eye from the beast... who is dead?
no eye in team
'new age cds' and 'kendal mint cake'
kendal mint cake but no cds.
pan pipe cds?
take kendal mint cake... can be used for energy or helicopter fuel
get in the helicopter, and go after Davina.
'kendal mint cake'.
you jump into the helicopter.
you do not know how to fly a helicopter.
girls don't understand role play
only understand make up and dolls
an old man sitting in his morris minor and offer him $10k for his car.
"Aye okay. But be careful, if you stop listening to Radio 4 the engine stops working."
you are now in a car.
Turn on Radio 4, start the engine and set off after Davina.
a hitchhiker stands by the side of the road holding a sign saying 'Middlesborough'. She also has a dog.
this adventure needs some more 'whackiness'.
Also, is Middlesbrough on the way to where we're going?
let's say for the sake of argument that this whole adventure takes place in the vicinity of middlesborough)
you pick up the hitch hiker and set off driving.
"Hi," she says "I'm Lily Allen. This is my dog Ronan Keating. We're going to middlesborough to kill Davina McCall. Where are you going?"
"We need to find Davina McCall and get back the bionic eye she borrowed from a Welshman, because if we don't return it to him by nightfall the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep with fall on our family for three generations. And that would suck."
Also, add "I quite liked "Smile", as it goes"
"I'll help you find her.But please note that I intend to disintegrate her utterly with this ray gun the moment I see her."
by saying that you promise to kill Peahces Geldof for her and will buy all her albums in future if she allows you to get the eye first.
I could demonstrate such self control. But she has wronged me so terribly I just don't know if I'll be able to help myself."
Just then an elf lands on the bonnet of your car holding a massive axe and starts smashing at the windscreen.
If we do that, the engine will stop. And we can't afford to lose any time, because we need to find Davina McCall and get back the bionic eye she borrowed from the Welshman. If we don't return it to him by nightfall the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep will fall on our family for three generations. And that would suck.
throwing the elf off the car!
unless the car isn't moving - in which case
TURN ON RADIO FOUR!
Yeah, turn off Radio 4, bringing the car screeching to a halt, and then when the elf has been tossed off you can turn the radio back on and run him over
that you just said. You run over the main elf but then fifty more elves appear out of thin air.
One of them throws a spear which goes straight through lily allen's head. Her dog leaps to avenge her death but is shot by an elven ice beam and frozen solid. It hits the floor and shatters.
"We have come for the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan. You cannot begin to comprehend its power. Give it to us or we shall destroy you!"
off 50 times
Lily's ray gun and fire on elf spokesman
him the bad aids
holding Lily's ray gun and dog. We need a canine friend.
I just realised he's frozen.
to call the owls to come and destroy the elves.
Have I missed the Archers?
grab Lily Allen's gun and vaporise the elf leader, simultaneously summoning your owl followers. They swoop as if from nowhere and peck at the elves' faces. A bloody battle ensues.
and search them for toys
Drive off after Davina whilst the owls and elves continue the battle.
heading back into town as the battle rages in the distance.
You pull into the NCP car park and vaporise the parking meter with the ray gun for the sheer balls-out fuckery foo of it.
Where should you start looking for Davina?
where there is a large David Shrigley print of a bird with an arrow in its eye.
nice. It reminds you of poor fallen Lily Allen. You wander around for a while. No sign of Davina.
A man sidles up to you.
"I sell wind up walking clockwork bottoms. Do you want to buy one?"
Show me your stuff
Please carry on with this
I need to know how this ends, I invested far too much time in it.
carry on on monday.
Having journeyed to the distant cave of Khair-Danoth and battled the dread beast of Shadrigo-della-bono, seemingly killing pretty much everyone you meet on route, including children and squirrels. You escaped the beasts clutches only to find that you faced a new challenge.
You must find Davina McCall so you can retrieve a Welshman's bionic eye from her and return it to him by nightfall, thereby avoiding the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep.
Then you must deliver the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan to Holly Golightly so she will explain to you how to use a custard cushion which you bought from Anne Summers. This seems to be terribly important to you all.
You are accompanied on this journey by your trusted Parrot.
You are currently looking for Davina in an art gallery in Middlesborough where a man has just approached and asked if you would like to purchase a walking clockwork bottom.
Now play on:
if he can tell us where Davina is.
where she is. But wouldn't you still like to buy one of these very attention grabbing items?"
and slap the man on the arse.
You now have item
'walking clockwork bottom'.
the receipt into one of the pockets in your wallet.
if not completely satisfied provided item is returned in original condition with a receipt. This does not affect your statutory rights."
and find the guide.
there are exhibitions of 'Sodomites & Surrealism', 'The Heteroglossia of Abstract Expressionism', 'Totalitarian imagery in post-9/11 pottery' and 'Pictures of Ducks'.
there are around sixty different depictions of various species of the Anatidae family of birds.
There is a large window to the north overlooking the town centre. An exit to the south. The gallery security guard sits in the corner listening to Radio One.
The parrot squawks. "I don't quite see that this is getting us anywhere."
to tell you about each of the sixy depictions.
being taken around the gallery looking at each of the ducks. Some are good, some are shit.
It's getting late now. Davina could have gone quite far in the time it's taken you to look at all the ducks. Also the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep is looming.
thinking really, really hard about davina, bionic eyes, irishmen and curses, and attempt to teleport to her location.
if he has seen any upset pregnant women with dyed hair loitering around.
'Big Brother auditions here today' and hang it outside the gallery. Davina will not be able to resist this.
from your least favourite duck picture and hang it outside the gallery.
Soon a large queue has formed and sure enough Davina turns up holding a plastic flower which she seems to think is a microphone 'interviewing' people as blood runs down her face from her popped-eye sockets.
her blind side and trip her up. pull the bionic eye from her socket, and run off into the distance cackling madly.
Once we have the eye, put it safely into a zip pocket and head back to the Welshman.
the prevailing mentality on this board seems to result in the death of everyone you encounter.
the welshman's eye from davina's mangled socket and run away. She drops her plastic flower and fumbles blindly across the pavement cursing you to anyone who will listen.
Some would-be big brother stars notice your assault and start to give chase.
"You hurted Davina. You is bad!" they shout. "We done be kill you, burrrr...".
You keep running but they are in hot pursuit.
Using the money stolen from HSBC previously purchase a camcorder and tripod. Leave the shop and start filming the crowds, telling them this will lead to their fame. You will make them a someone! Set the camera up on the tripod and run away whilst they 'do there thing' for the camera.
fame hungry crowds happily prostrate themselves and dance and wave their throbbing genitalia at the camera. After being slightly sick you continue on your way.
you now have item 'bionic welshman's eye'.
turn on radio 4, and go find the welshman.
the car park you discover to your horroer that the window has been smashed and the radio has been stolen from your car.
There is a faint ethereal shimmering hanging round the seat and dashboard. A sure sign of elven interference. Fucking elves.
The car won't go without being tuned to Radio 4 and night is falling fast. You need to find another way to get to the cave of Khair-Danoth and rendez-vous with the welshman.
stage an elaborate ruse, whereby the parrot waits for someone to enter the carpark, and snatches their keys after they have left and are a safe distance away.
is sick of always being used as the solution to everything. He still hasn't forgotten that you didn't even thank him for risking his beak to disconnect the dread beast of Shadrigo-della-bono's broadband connection.
Anyway he's tired.
use the bionic eye to freak out someone of apparent-low-intelligence, and steal their car.
wearing an 'I love Richard Littlejohn' t-shirt so you wave the bionic eye in his face and he shits himself and runs. dropping his car keys as he goes.
The keys go to a Vauxhall Nova. After ten minutes searching you find the car. It is full of child porn and racist literature.
Do you take the car?
Stash porn and racist literature for later. Take car. Drive to cave of Khair-Danoth.
and buy a in-car radio. Install it, and switch to radio 4.
is too mangled by the thieves for this to work.
before carrying out guntrip's plan.
and arrive at the cave of khair-danoth just as the sun is disappearing behind the distant mountains of Ziggurat-gyda-phynci.
You get out of the car and look around but the welshman is nowhere to be seen.
You shout 'Oi, welshman!'. And hear a groan coming from the bushes.
and release in the direction of the bush.
tootles off towards the bush.
Suddenly there is a HUGE EXPLOSION! the bum has triggered a land mine. the bush flies into the sky in a shower of leaves and body parts.
The welshman's head falls from the sky and you catch it. "you could have come to my aid and saved me. It is because of you that I was murdered. If I'd had my bionic eye I would have seen my attacker."
and with his dying breath he utters the words of the curse of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep.
"Shobulom, krobinatch, kasabian, damocles, ungulatch, toploader, icky thumb, bongo, ninja banjo handjob. Amen."
The curse is upon you!
but who killed the welshman?
"why did you do that you stupid welshman?" you say.
to survive explosions.
'100% explosion proof'. Sure enough there it is still tootling around totally intact.
Inspect bush/blast area.
on the clockwor.... oh i see what you mean.
You examine the blast site around the bush and find further ethereal glowing traces suggesting elves have been here too.
In amongst the bits you see an envelope addressed to you.
I'm handing the baton to you guntrip.
read it. out loud. then type it up on your computer.
a letter from Holly Golightly.
Do not try to find me. I have gone into hiding in the distant mountains of Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro. Jack White is on my trail seeking another credibility-boosting collaboration. Until I am safe from him I can never return to my beloved pizza parlour. If I am never freed then the secret of the custard cushion must die with em. Keep the sceptre for me. Its magic will protect you.
So you can either:
go and look for holly
go and find and kill jack white
just basically wander off and do something else
'it's nice to be appreciated'.
He's one happy parrot.
so what's it gonna be? jack or holly? and how exactly will you look for either of them?
We seem to be good at it.
(can't be arsed with another elf ambush). You ring the doorbell and are given an electric shock which knocks you to the ground.
Jack White emerges from the house,
"Hah!" he cries "I'd been thinking about my doorbell, and when you were going to ring it! So i boobytrapped it! Now you are at my mercy. No one kills Jack White, king of the elves!"
Try as you might you can't move, you're so wracked with electrical charge. White points his sword at your throat.
"Prepare to die!"
It's magic powers will protect us!
to reach for the sceptre but your hands are paralyzed by jack's electric doorbell.
Ask the parrot to use the sceptre.
use the sceptre, I'm only a parrot. In fact you don't even know how to use the sceptre, do you?"
to hold the instruction manual in front of me so I could read it and tell him what to do.
you cry. She wanders out of the house in a skimpy dressing gown.
"What are you doing, jack? Come back to bed." she says
"Shut up woman! Honestly I'm finding it harder to be a gentlemen every day." replies Jack haughtily.
"Wait a minute," says the parrot "I thought she was your sister."
Jack and Meg look suddenly horrified, realising their mistake.
whilst this is going on you feel some of your strength return. what now?
so that it never rings again
the doorbell with the sceptre and it breaks.
Jack notices that you are up and raises his sword again.
"prepare to die!"
"your southern can is mine, white!" and summon the legion of owls with a bloodcurdling shriek.
who attack jack white and peck every inch of flesh from his bones whilst meg sits weeping.
"you killed my husband/brother! you fiend!" she cries. "I summon the curse of Dungari-Son-Biscotti upon you!"
With that she runs off into the forest.
Shit, now you're double cursed. But at least now you can go look for Holly Golightly again.
shouting false platitudes of apology, and offer to produce her debut solo album.
but she is nowhere to be found.
your inner chakras.
but no, you have no magic powers. other than teleportation. and command of owls.
Teleport to Holly, I suppose.
exactly where Holly is. You only know that she's in the distant mountains of Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro. They are a dangerous place.
You can go straight there or teleport to town and get some supplies first?
to the relevant locations and now have all those^ items.
you don't need to mug anyone cos you've still got loads of money left from when you robbed a bank earlier.
You come to a stop outside Ted's Sleds. Is there anything else you want?
as it might be cold in the mountains. A magic one, if possible.
to Gwenaira's Magic Bobble Hat shop.
'Bore da, my lovely' says Gwenaira (who is welsh) 'what kind of hat do you want? I can only sell you one as if you have two at the same time they will react with each other and destroy the universe. These are the choices:
"Blue & Green hat which deflects weapons (once)
"Red and yellow hat which makes you invisible for ten minutes
"Purple and Orange hat which means you can fly for 5 minutes
"Maroon and Cyan hat which means you can see through women's clothing"
of holly golightly to see if she's worth a sneak.
have access to the internet.
(this is probably why you've had such an active day).
(Answer: not really)
I reckon the invisibility one. We don't really need the flying one as long as we're in command of the owls.
has killed all the owls. Greenpeace is up in arms.
although it is sad about the owls. I still reckon invisibility is better than a one-shot weapon deflector
you need to agree. we can't have the adventure derailed over a disagreement about bobble hats!
for the invisiblity one.
two for invisibility and one for bullet-deflection.
any more votes or do I call it?
you never know what those evil 'women' are hiding
If you're invisible it doesn't matter that they're hiding.
If we're invisible, we can sneak into girls' dormitories and shit, as well as evading attack from malign forces.
would the shit be invisible as well? 'cause shit appearing mid-air might be a giveaway as to our location..
just dont have a poo when in immediate danger
It wouldn't half freak them out, though.
for the main reasons of:
-sneaking into changing rooms
-making poo appear out of thin air
good enough for me
hit the guy writing shit stories on his computer very hard till he admit you just won the game.
Dont stop now, I need to know what happens. Pleeeeeeeeze.
an online DiS ADD game ?
a magical invisible making bobble hat which works for ten minutes only.
Are you now ready to go and look for Holly Golightly in the mountains of Drakylura-Dingo-Dentro?
Or do you want to get more supplies/change your minds entirely about what your quest is?
bothering with this today then?
who knows what's lurking in the evil depths of [ridiculous name].
I reckon we should set off and look for Holly.
a plastic davina mccall doll
a magic bobble hat of invisibility
some money (not sure how much)
peas - dried
pick and mix
I think that's it. And we still have the ability to teleport, although we can't call on the owls any more since they're all dead.
To the mountains!
if we could find a way to lift the two curses that are hanging over us, and solve the mystery of who killed the Welshman, that would be fresh.
Dungari-Son-Biscotti are beyond your power to remove.
is that sentence grammatically correct? Oh who cares....
Well, if we could find out what the curses actually entail, maybe we could do some kind of damage limitation.
no knowledge of the curses' powers.
Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro. Seeing as you don't know where to start you begin at the information hut and gift shop.
there is a large map in a wooden frame outside the hut. A man stands polishing a trumpet next to a wishing well. A small child is drawing a picture of a dinosaur and the mome raths outgrabe.
it proposes three different walking routes through the mountains. One is 5km and marked in red. One is 3km and marked in yellow. One is 7km and marked in blue.
The blue and red lines both pass the famous cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog, which contains the stallactite of Membo-Stran-Floscinop, which allegedly contains the imprisoned spirit of the ancient mystic Frednoth-trango-bonaparte who knew the answer to every question ever, except sport ones.
murder the man with the trumpet? You surprise me....
You set off down the red path. bearing in mind it's actually the middle of the night now this proves difficult and you stumble over rocks several times.
"Ow, fuck. Ow!" you say.
Soon you are out of range of any artificial lighting and can no longer see the markers denoting the red route.
A distant wolf howl chills your spine. A faint aura of magic hovers in the air. This would be the perfect place to be attacked by elves.
you didn't mention it was the middle of the night. I think I assumed it was brillig. Is it too late to turn back?
it was getting dark when you went to meet the welshman. so realistically then sun has now gone down.
You can try turning back but you can't really see where you are.
Sharpen the pencil, ready the dried peas and the peashooter, and have the bobble hat close to hand in case of attack. Then find somewhere sheltered to hide.
If only the owls were still alive!
with your 'pee shooters' and trying to worm your way out with no violence. We could've had a giant sword, goddammit!
I say we stay up through the night keeping our guard. If only we had a thermos of coffee. And a giant sword.
when they went shopping eh? All very well to complain now.
also: 'pee' shooter: hah.
I get it. 'pee'.
a rocky overhang and prepare your weapons. The parrot squawks nervously.
You start to nod off. Reasoning that you'll continue the search in the morning.
after what could be a few minutes or a few hours a rumbling sound wakes you with a start. A dark outline looms before you, terrifying but strangely familiar.
"you cut off my broadband, you cunt!"
Oh no! It's the dread beast of shadrigo-della-bono!"
magic bobble hat!
You have ten minutes of invisibility. It also makes the parrot invisible cos he's touching your shoulder and science and shit.
What now? Do you flee or use yr invisible state to try and defeat the beast once and for all?
like you're meant to do with a shark or a bear or some other supposedly aggressive animals.
in the nose of one of his eighteen faces.
"Agh! you cunt. Why are you such a dick? That really hurt."
the pick n mix
the pick n mix. he scoffs the lot in under a minute. a jelly tot sticks in one of his eighteen throats and chokes one of his heads to death.
"Fucking hell! I hate you so much. I'm gonna kill your face off you shit!"
Going well so far.
seemed like a good idea.
Scatter whelks under his feet so he flails and trips on uneven mountain path.
and run for it. obviously.
a large jagged rock and shove it up one of his eighteen anuses (yeah I didn't mention them before, sue me).
"AGH!" cries the beast. "You've severed something internal!"
He collapses in a heap on the floor. spewing blood from his rear cavity.
surely you don't want to run when you have the upper hand?
like Ray Winstone in 'Scum'
five more of his heads in this way.
He's really looking quite fucked up now.
using the string, toilet brush and whelks., if he promises to stop being a cunt and helps you find holly
cries the beast.
by tying it round as many of his throats that it will reach. Stab the sharpened pencil into his windpipes, too.
[It always comes back to the unltraviolence, doesn't it...]
do what I said
five more of his heads with the string.
He's only got... erm.... three (?) left now!
bind his soul to his sharpner replica!
still don't know how to use the sceptre.
I think we need a vote
now offer to spare his life in return for help
We've only got three heads left and then we've fucked him
beasts are always useful. remember Ludo from Labyrinth? maybe he's just misunderstood
I was just going to suggest tying him up and running away, but as soon as we angered him we didn't really have much choice.
and keep going until we find this cave. And maybe pick up a pencil sharpener at the gift shop.
or make a wish.
OK, let's make a wish for the curses to be lifted somehow, buy a pencil sharpener, THEN take the red path to the cave.
but I'll allow it cos it doesn't mess up the chronology.
You shout down the well to have the curses lifted. Though you can't tell whether it's worked or not.
You buy another pencil sharpner then go to http://drownedinsound.com/articles/2079727#r2115151
i couldn't have been arsed.
his few remaining heads.
"First you take my broadband! then you kill most of my heads! Now you offer to save me! I exist only for vengeance! If i cannot kill you in this life I will hunt down your soul in the next. In other words, fuck right off!"
That's exactly what I thought he'd say.
We're gonna have to kill him. Otherwise we'll be looking over our collective shoulder for the rest of the quest.
smash the cunt to death with big rocks
the bobble hat of invisibility must have run out by now. Take it off and put it on again to see if that works
when it runs out.
it's run out.
when it runs out it disintegrates. one use only.
So now your visible to the mortally wounded beast.
In that case, we should scarper and hope that he dies before he catches us.
he's bleeding heavily and has multiple brain injuries.
and bash in two more of his faces.
As you look into his final pair of eyes you see the childlike innocence that lies within him. The fear in his remaining face.
"How could you?" he weeps "Couldn't you tell that all I ever wanted was to be friends?"
mortal Kombat style
i don't trust him
but ^^this^^. We should finish what we've started and can't take the chance.
Snuff out his pathetic life and gorge on his livid flesh.
bash him in with the sled
This is quite upsetting as a psychological exercise, and is making me think I'm not as nice a person as I'd like to believe, but there's no time for sentimentality now. Grunt a noncommittal "Sorry" then smash the remaining head in.
as if deciding his fate - catch it, check it out
and then say
'heads you lose'
and kill him
to deliver the final blow.
"I curse you!" cries the beast "The curse of my fathers and my granfathers! the curse of Zandrogynozoicad-Stritchnon-Up-Fenella-Dangulon-Guruntath-Hoedown!"
Oh no! this is the most fearsome curse of all!
You whack the beast in the face and he collapses dead for good. But do not weep for him, he's gone to the great wi-fi hotspot in the sky.
Morning has broken, like a snapped neck. Time to go on your way. You can see a sign for the red path and one for the yellow path. Which way?
i like yellow
we want to keep on the red and get to the cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog
i missed that bit
but remember, red = dead
so you cant take anything for granted
the programming on this thing isn't THAT complicated
down the red route with a spring in your step. Despite being under the influence of the combined curses of Shabbanoth-Ug-Thuralep, Dungari-Son-Biscotti, and Zandrogynozoicad-Stritchnon-Up-Fenella-Dangulon-Guruntath-Hoedown you're feeling pretty chipper.
You pass a small pond with ducks in it. Odd to see a pond up in the mountains eh?
Do you stop to feed the ducks some bread?
it isn't actually good for them to eat bread. do we have anything else edible? inventory please!
minus the bobblehat and pic n mix
a plastic davina mccall doll
peas - dried
i think they are monster ducks or an illusion of something
but I could never say no to ducks. Let's feed them.
i cant resist
shoot them with the peas!
of you standing by the pond taking 45 minutes to make up your mind whether to feed them or shoot them made me HYPERLOL
with an amusing retort to that in 45 mins
Can we become king of the ducks in the same way as we became king of the owls? Maybe without killing a squirrel this time though.
we seem to have reached an impasse over whether or not to stop and feed some ducks.
What kind of adventurers are you?
Follow the red path to the cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog.
several miles until you arrive at another duck pond.
In fact looking closely it appears to actually be the same duck pond as before, even though you've been going in a completely straight line. How odd.
You stop and scratch your head.
"I know what your problem is," quacks one of the ducks. "I'll explain if you give me some of that Hovis."
If so give him some and get him to explain.
into the pond and the ducks gobble it up greedily.
"Nice one, mate." says the lead duck in a broad cockney accent. "Seems to me you're caught up in a spatial-loop. This is typically caused by some kind of curse. Like, for example the curse of Dungair-Son-Biscotti."
You explain to the duck that you were cursed by Meg White.
"That would explain it me old china, and no mistake."
Offer more Hovis!
curses, only being a duck and all. But I heard that a sure fire way to counteract the curse of Dungari-Son-Biscotti is to sacrifice a parrot."
Your eyes meet those of your loyal feathered companion. It gulps.
What to do?
Is there any chance at all that there is another parrot to be found amongst the trees? Have we named the parrot yet?
but it's Peter. Peter the Parrot."
The parrot takes out its wallet and shows you some photos.
"This is my wife Valerie, and my daughter Susie. It's her birthday tomorrow."
There are no trees in the mountains. Unless I've previously mentioned some trees. Then there are.
to a parrot shop and buy one? Now I know Peter has a family and stuff I would feel a little bad sacrificing him, unless he totally insists....
but the curse of Dungari-Son-Biscotti means that you just find yourself back at the duck pond.
After all we have been through and the friendship we have formed would he be willing to be sacrificed so that the curse may be lifted and we can live long and fruitful lives procreating more adventurers?
There must be another way to counteract the curse. And sacrifice is no way to repay the parrot's excellent adventurerhelping skillz.
feel uncomfortable sacrificing the parrot. How about a whelk?
if there are any curses that can be counteracted by sacrificing ducks.
which can be countered using the death of waterfowl. That's the curse of Royston-Shuddup-Fricasse. Do you have that? We don't mind if you sacrifice Neville. He's kind of annoying."
The lead duck points at another duck wearing a 'wacky' tie and doing an impression of Bruch Forsyth.
"I'm great at impressions." says Neville. "I can impersonate anyone or anything."
then sacrifice him. It's a long shot but it miht just work.
to do a Parrot impression.
"Easy peasy," says Neville.
He rearranges his facial features into a surprisingly convincing facsimile of a parrot and begins to squawk and say generic 'parrot' things.
"Who's a pretty boy then?" says Neville
"That's just borderline racism," says peter. "Parrots have been oppressed for too long because of this jim-crow stereotyping. We're about more than just enquiries into our physical attractiveness and requests for crackers. This is like the Bernard Manning of ducks."
Needing no further encouragement you grab Neville and snap his neck. The ducks all cheer, but will the curse be fooled?
and hope to god we don't meet the ducks again. unless they're pleased at neville's departure from this mortal coil.
to do an impression of a parrot, then kill it. (is this going to work?)
maybe someone slept with his wife or something?
we could avenge our parrot friend while lifting the curse!!!!
his impression skils may be useful.
sorry for the late entry into the fray, i've been admiring from afar.
a life without enmity." says Peter "If someone strikes my face I turn the other beak."
In the background you hear Neville doing a very convincing impression of a cuckoo.
and look out for a carrot to sacrifice
all seems to be going better this time. No sign of passing the duck pond again. The scenery actually seems to change. Seems like the curse was fooled.
Eventually you pass a krispy kreme stall. You definitely didn't pass this last time. Ace.
go and buy a krust kreme to celebrate.
and pass the time of day with the salesperson. don't kill anyone unnecessarily.
It's boring to constantly introduce characters only to have them instantly killed.
You go up to the stall and say hello. It is manned by a gruesome orc warlord.
"Mwaagahag blargh ug blargah wargha?" says the orc. Brandishing its sword.
Shmargh wargh ug blarg" he says matter of factly.
nice brandish, did you study under admiral akhbar?
if he speaks english, because we are english and therefore dont bother to learn foreign languages, and if so wether he has seen holly. or indeed if he would like to help us find her - the krispy kreme stall cant be that great a role for an orc.
sparghkinf arghnglish. Argh've garght argh sparghch arghmpedimarghnt."
that's a pretty bad impediment. would a whelk help you speak more clearly?
takes the whelk and scoffs it down.
"Yum" he says.
He offers you a donut in return.
now' we've got a quest to be getting on with. although your stall is doubtless both profitable and fulfilling, would you like to join us on this quest?
wanna join our quest? and can i have a donut please.
wargh narght? Argh narghver harghve arghny carghstarghmarghs agrhywargh."
The orc is now accompanying you on your quest.
continue down road,
but please can you stop talking with your mouth full, now that the whelk has cured your speech impediment?
Uarghnfarghtunarghtly thargh Wharghlk darghdn't arghctuarghly warghk."
although i'd imagine it'll quickly become frustrating for you, Mr Orc. is there anything else in our inventory which might help? and what's your name, since we're questing together?
Magnus Magnusson. My parents were big Mastermind fans."
buy one and carry on walking.
carry on down the red path. Surely you must be nearly at the cave now?
It starts to rain.
i'd much rather be nearing a cosy cave...
what he knows about the cave and if he has any questions he might like answered, ask him about his family.
barghdarghr-scarght-droorgh? argh've barghn thargh warghnce barghfargh. Arght's garghded bargh sarghvarghn farghsome warghriarghsrs."
Anyway he's speaking english. he just has a speech impediment.
but the second sentence is:
"I've been through there once before. It's guarded by savage fearsome warriors."
while peter and i sneak in behind them.
"no, the warriors are no friends of mine. There were eight of them once, I killed one of their number. A beast called Bugunam. I was too weak to defeat the others. I will help you fight them, I'm sure the warrior who defeated the dread beast of Shadrigo-Della-Bono can defeat a measly seven vicious heavily armed highly trained killing machines. Besides the parrot will help."
i was kind of hoping that you'd distract them while me and peter here nipped into the cave. i'm a lover, not a fighter, like michael jackson.
says Magnus Magnusson the orc "But I'm not laying down my life for you. You seem like a nice guy. But we've only just met and all you've done is give me a whelk."
Ask if we need to take any other weapons and ask what the weaknesses of the 7 fearsome warriors are.
I'm assuming you have some kind of concealed weapons already? Unless you expect to defeat seven warriors with a parrot and a peashooter? You must have a big invisible sword, right?"
it's pretty fearsome in its own way.
about joining you in this quest. You don't seem to plan ahead much."
it's very hard to plan ahead when you're double-cursed.
i understand if you don't want to accompany me any more, why don't you just head back to your doughnut stall? i think you'll find the way back is down that path, past the 7 fearsome warriors over there. i'll just be innocently sneaking into the cave behind their backs whilst they attack you to avenge their dead companion.
and come up with a plan involving this toilet brush, the whelks, peter the parrot and his family photos.
I'll implement any plan you suggest but I'm not doing it for you. I'm the gamesmaster not your mum.
but I'm not stupid. I don't mind helping you fight but if you pussy out on me then I know a curse or two of my own. Can I have another whelk?"
toss magnus a whelk.
consult peter regarding an effective battle plan.
are in the bag?" asks magnus "No matter how many I eat it always seems to be full. It's like some kind of infinite whelk-bag!"
ok, load sled with peter, magnus and self, launch whelks at guards' faces, and shoot any stragglers with peas...
and even if you were this would be a stupid idea. This isn't the (frankly quite wimpy) beast of s-d-b now. These people are guarding infite knowledge!
and end our quest?
this is indeed a battle worth fighting.
send peter to fly over the cave and its environs and come back with a detailed reconnaisance report.
and comes back looking terrified.
"The warriors all have ten arms! Each holding a massive sword! And they've actually got proper armour and stuff and they're having a fight now just to warm up. And they've no broadband connection! I might go home to Valerie."
how he won his fight with these seemingly invincible guards.
in the meantime commence brewing intoxicating liquor from whelk juice.
the guards each hate a different eighties pop culture star. I discovered that Bugunam cannot abide Keith Chegwin, to the point of physical pain. So I did an impression of him and chopped his head off whilst he was weakened. i can only guess at which other faded has beens the other guards would respond to.
"It's like each one has an achilles heel, but with celebrities."
don't leave us now Peter!
but i've got a family to support. It's alright for you. You all exist outside the strange crossover between dungeons and dragons and hello magazine that is this reality. You can all go home afterwards. If i die in this reality I'm dead forever."
Way to break the fourth wall Peter.
then thank him for staying and promise him cocktails once this adventure is over.
"I like Mojitos. Maybe you can come and meet Valerie sometime? Are you married? We like to swing."
I think I draw the line at parrots, no offense like. However, who knows after a couple of Mojitos?
and ask if the stall does a sideline in invisble warrior weapons.
"Are you serious that you have no weapons? Not even any magic powers? Or magical implements?"
and my bobble hat disintegrated. i have only my limited wits and a paperweight.
worked against the dread best" magnus points out.
due to all the bloody curses. Peter has laser eyes and we have a sceptre that we don't know how to use until we get into the cave to ask the person with the answers.
this seems to be getting a bit tricky
If you like.
how powerful are they? will they help heat my whelk juice up to the right temperature for rapid fermentation to take place? warriors love to get sozzled on potent alcoholic whelk juice...
peter, you're a parrot, can you do a convincing bob carolgees? les dennis? timmy mallett?
I can try."
or this adventure is in danger of getting silly.
for fuck's sake!
the first time since going to extraordinary lengths to obtain it.
It has three buttons on the side. Red Blue and Green. There is a mystic symbol next to each but you don't know what it means.
Ask Magnus if he understands the symbols
"I'm not exactly a classics scholar."
to find out who the warriors hate and then impersonate them. YEAH!
poor neville. All he wanted to do was live and love!
they killed neville!
I'm pretty gutted. I think we (us, parrot and orc) should get all in a circle and say some words for neville.
I for one, will miss him terribly.
say a small prayer for Neville's soul.
There is a bliding flash and suddenly a ghost-duck appears.
"Hello cheekies!" says the ghost of Neville "I'm back. i don't mind you killing me. I'm fairly easygoing like that. Plus I've discovered there is an afterlife - but only for ducks. Turns out the bible is wrong and God is actually a duck. Who'dda thunk it? As you have enlightened me I will come on your quest and help you!"
You are now accompanied by Neville the Ghost duck.
ask him to practice his 80s impersonations.
ask the two birds if they can shed any light
to Peter and Neville but both are stumped.
"Maybe you could just try pressing the buttons and see what happens?" says Neville.
"No!" warns Peter "This sceptre has immense power! for all you know one of the buttons is 'self-destruct' or you might not be pointing it the right way and end up zapping yourself."
who do you listen to?
go and ask the duck god?
says Neville "I can only return from the dead once. If I go back into the afterlife that's it forever."
'self-destruct' buttons are only in films don't they. If it did exist, it would at least have one of those clear plastic guards over it. Don't you think, feathered friends?
concedes Peter. "My point still stands. That is a powerful sceptre and we don't know what each button does."
is it like ableton live?
built in tutorials? No it doesn't. It's a sceptre.
I say we try it out. We have to give it to Holly soon anyway, and we can't do that without getting a chance to use it first. That'd be lame.
There is an end with a big ball on. and an end with a small ball on. Which way do you point it and which button do you press?
so neither end is pointing at us.
Press the....green button.
we've already established that this game is set in middlesborough.
what's it gonna be?
test the sceptre out first? or wait til yr at the cave and use a combination of Neville's 80s impressions, Magnus' sword skillz, peter's laser eyes and your own inventiveness to try and defeat the seven warriors?
Vote now. Gamesmaster's going for lunch.
hold fire on the last suggestion
I'm kind of interested to see what celeberities the warriors hate.
Don't use the sceptre, after all "with great power comes GREAT RESPONSIBILITY!!!" I think I'd rather stay unresponsible, personally.
you decide to press on to the cave. After another mile or so you have arrived and you see the Seven Warriors outside.
They are listening to Limp Bizkit and doing pushups and sparring with each other. Proper meathead stylee. They haven't yet noticed your arrival.
The ground is littered with hundreds of bones and human skulls. The scent of freshly spilled blood is in the air.
a giant iron maiden eddie. get neville to impersonate a shred-fretting metal solo guaranteed to shit on limp bizkit. have magnus thrash the shit out of more skulls arranged as a makeshift drumkit. wield the sceptre like freddie mercury's mike stand.
two of the warriors really hate iron maiden and freddy mercury and fall to the ground clutching their heads in pain. Peter promptly uses his eye lasers to evaporate them . The other five warriors grab their weapons and rush towards you.
You have only a split second to decide what to do!
while singing an 80's medley of a-ha, bananarama, duran duran, timmy mallet, the human league...
clutch their heads at your awful singing of camp classics. Peter promptly lasers them. Two warriors are still in hot pursuit.
when two tribes go to war,
the power of love, a force from above.
frankie them to death!!!
GOING LOCO DOWN IN ACAPULCO!! This will kill anything, ever.
songs by the twang...tho that might just kill everyone...
One more warrior falls clutching his head and magnus chops his head off. The one warrior left raises his sword and fires a beam of flame with vaporises magnus instantly. Leaving only a sad little pile of ash and a krispy kreme packet floating in the breeze.
"ENOUGH!" cries the remaining warrior "My eighties pet hate is so obscure that you will never guess it! My brethren have fallen because they are weak. But I am The Original Warrior. He whose name is so Dread that none may speak it lest their tongue burst into flames! (you should have been at my christening)
"You are powerless to defeat me!"
"Some sort of idiot?"
what are the buttons again?
also it has small end and big end.
towards whatshisname the ogre and press blue.
button and a beam of light shoots out of the side of the sceptre setting fire to a nearby panda.
"Ha! You don't even know how to use this weapon." cries He Who Must Not Be Named. With that he snatches the sceptre from your hands and breaks it over his knee.
run up and snap his neck like its nothing more than a pooh stick, while laughing manically about how holly will still love us. SHE WILL STILL LOVE US, it tell you, LOVE US.
unless the sceptre has started talking.
warrior and start punching furiously at his neck. but his armour is too tough.
"Get off me you queer!" he shouts "What are you trying to do? Bum me?" The homophobic warrior flings you from his back and you land painfully on the ground.
Peter and the ghost of Neville fly around you panicked.
"What now boss?" quacks Neville.
surely. culture beat?
failing that, start crying.
'ha ha thisaway. ha ha thataway!' and He Who Must Be Named is suddenly wracked with pain. "For fuck's sake. I fucking hate that song. ARGH!"
Quick! He's down! What now?
him in the face, saying youll like this, not a lot, but youll like it
from his helpless hands. All the white continuing to sing the wizzbit them as you chop his face firmly in half.
He Who Must Not Be Named drops to the ground stone dead. You have gained access to the cave but at what cost? The sceptre of Zatoth-Khan is snapped in twain, and your newly found friend Magnus Magnusson the Orc has been slain. Oh cursed day!
What else can we nick from the dead warriors?
suitable 1/2 hour mourning for magnus. lets pillage.
or glue to stick the sceptre back together? or how about we render the fat from their bodies and use it to make some glue?!
of massive swords and shields and armoud plates and things. You'd struggle to carry any of them though.
You do, however, find several pictures of the warriors families in their pockets. One of them has a child's portrait of an armoured man fighting off monsters with 'My brave daddy' written on it.
One of them has quite a nice watch too.
examine sceptre. Does it look fixable?
the two pieces fit back together with only a hairline crack. An adhesive might not restore the magical powers though.
The stench of burning panda fills the air.
I just remembered that you'd incinerated a panda and that I should try and maintain some vague continuity.
"follow the yellow brick road" before launching into club tropicana, and a medley of pet shop boys classics
You have slain the seven warriors who guard the cave of Bondor-Scat-Droog, which contains the stallactite of Membo-Stran-Floscinop, which allegedly contains the imprisoned spirit of the ancient mystic Frednoth-trango-bonaparte who knew the answer to every question ever, except sport ones.
BUT! The sceptre of Zatoth-Khan has been broken in the process. Now you cannot use its powers or give it to Holly Golightly so that she will reveal the secret at the heart of your quest. Holly is deep within the mountains of Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro but you do not know where.
You are accompanied by Peter, your faithful parrot friend. And the ghost of the amazing Neville - a duck with the ability to impersonate anything.
What now, noble adventurer?
and ask ancient mystic Frednoth-trango-bonaparte how we can fix the sceptre. Are we limited to how many questions we can ask him? Why were we visiting him in the first place?
And there is the stallactite of Membo-Stran-Floscinop. There is no sign of the spirit of Frednoth. You'll have to try and summon him somehow using your ingenuity.
I don't know specifically why you were visiting him. You just saw him listed on a map or something. Don't forget that your entire quest thus far has been determined by your own collective whim to discover how to use a 'custard cushion'.
There's no actual objective to this game. You can forget the whole thing and just go on another killing spree if you want. It's like the real world in the absence of God. Your morality and purpose come from within.
Can we try shouting Frednoth, maybe there is a doorbell around or something?
'frednoth!'. there is no reply.
there is no doorbell.
if they know of any mystical chants involving whelks that may summon frednoth.
my old man singing a song called 'The Infinite Whelk Song'" says Neville "We have infinite whelks, right?"
Sing the infinite whelk song Neville.
"There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk, "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk "There once was a whelk who bumped into a whelk and said 'I'll tell you a story about a good whelk ...."
It seems Neville's song has got him stuck into some ghostly loop he can't get out of. And there's no sign of Frednoth.
SO now we have to figure how to get Neville out of the loop and summon Frednoth. Can we teleport to buy some cider to drink whilst we think?
throw the paperweight at it and hope it drops/breaks and frees the spirit of Frednoth
amethyst paper weight at the stallactite. It doesn't fall (because it's actually massive), but cracks do appear. the paperweight breaks in half.
so that we get a massive massive pile of whelks, which we can climb up in order to get close enough to the stalagmite to give it a big old whack and dislodge it
upend the bag several times (see note 1) and eventually create a whelk mountain. You climb up this shaky structure and begin whacking and whacking at the stalactite until eventually the main tip falls off.
you now have item 'stalactite'.
1) the science of the infinite whelk bag is such that you can only get the equivalent of one bagful of whelks out at any one time. As soon as you look away the bag is instantly filled again. This is because of quantum physics.
we should break up a bit of the stallactite and snort it.
whelks into the depth of the cave. and at neville, and anything that happens to move. or not move.
remember you have an infinite amount. you don't want to get stuck like neville.
I think it might actually be a bug in the game code.
no more, no less.
the required amount of whelks around the room. Still the bag is not empty. Now the floor is littered with whelks and the room smells.
There is still no sign of frednoth.
Perhaps a non-whelk-based solution is the answer?
a plastic davina mccall doll
peas - dried
just in case
I didn't see that...
and wait to some genious idea to pop in my head.
we should break up an bit of the stallactite and snort it. see what happens.
do you honestly think I'm still awake at this time? I went to bed hours ago!
Is it stallactite-snorting-o'clock yet? I find it really gets me through that pesky 11.30 til 1pm lull.
this game is not finished until I get bored of it.
i'll carry on.
what do you want to do now? do you REALLY want to snort the stallactite?
if we die, then at least that will be that.
you crumble off a bit of the stallactite and suddenly you are transported to a mystic plain where you see an old bearded man waxing a camel.
sir, but would you happen to be frednoth?
"Aye, lad. That be me alreet."
ready to give frednoth 'five', but as he is from a civilisation thousands of years older than our own he does not understand the significance of the gesture.
on the sturdy hump of his camel.
"Cheers, lad. Nice to meet a good lad like thyself. To be sure."
"I'm supposed to ask you about something really important but this thread's so bloody long, I can't remember what it is now"
"I know the answer to all questions. Except sport ones."
what are we supposed to ask you?
"No consensus was reached. You just saw me advertised on the noticeboard and came to find me. No one ever actually discussed what you were going to ask me when you arrived."
sceptre, where is holly, what are next weeks lottery numbers.
bonding materials, they are all qualified to offer expert advice on fixing a wide range of objects......so if you break your mums best vase at a wild youth party, why not collect all the pieces and the next time you need a really good tranquil p** why not pop down to your nearest 'T.I.T.S loo-haven and bring the vase with you our attendant/operatives will fix the vase as you p**.
she is in the cave of Shiznay-Uber-Disko. 6, 14, 57, 9, 21, 32."
will also contain a coin slot operated random word, number and excuse generator.
got to do with the adventure?
a) the broken sceptre is malfunctioning and has cause a space/time/ rift in the threads
b) product placement is rife in cinema, it was only a matter of time before it discovered the opportunities afforded by textual RPGs
c) its a surreal offer of a 'deus ex machina' to get sceptres fixed, because the camel-waxing man might know of a nearby 'loo-haven' upon this mystic plain, but unless you ask him you'll never find out
ask Frednoth if he knows how/where we can get it fixed, not if he can fix it.
can we fix the sceptre?
Does his camel talk?
and/or restlessboy is a lazy twunt
and is trying to make me out as a killer of his thread so that he can secretly retire from continuing, this thread, his monstrous brainchild and offspring (because he has secretly grown tired of it)
that I go home from work and don't wish to devote my time to waiting for people to post in this thread.
we'll carry on properly tomorrow.
"yes, yes i am"
You are in the mystical snorted-stallactite dimension talking to Frednoth the omniscient, who can answer any question - except sport ones.
You're background quest is to take the sceptre of Zatoth-Khan to Holly Golightly so she will tell you how to use the custard cushion. The sceptre is, however, broken.
You have established that Holly is in the cave of Shiznay-Uber-Disco.
I'll draw you a map. Don't worry about it crossing back into the physical realm. It'll be fine."
you now have item 'map to cave'.
Does anyone else have any questions to ask Frednoth before we ask him to get back to the physical realm?
i met a girl and i didnt like her that much, but ive seen her a few times and im starting to like her a lot. im slightly worried that maybe i was right to not like her that much in the first place, and ive been blinded by the hot sex, and that my little heart will end up broken again.
what is a boy to do?
confused of kennington
where are the records i left in the pub yesterday?
in the pub. The man got the landlord to lock them up safely behind the counter. (probably)"
i'll send you the bill for replacements if you are wrong
just send to the celestial plane where money has no value."
hot sex will play a large part in how you feel. And that being with someone who you enjoy their company and hot sex is not inherently harmful. You will reach a point where the hot sex starts to lose its novelty value and you will then be able to make a more rational assessment of whether this person is 'a keeper'. Getting to know a person takes a long time. Not being sure is not, in itself, a reason to cut and run. Unless there are deeper routed reasons why you feel she may be wrong for you.
"Ps - pics plz"
ask Frednoth is he knows how/where we can get the sceptre fixed
man who can fix the sceptre is its creator, Jesruci-Fup-Diego. But he died long ago. Perhaps you can find a way to travel through time?"
Just as he is speaking the connection with the spiritual plain starts to fade and you find yourself back in the cave.
then scratch head a bit
and scratch your head.
don't use language like that.
Is there any way we can break it open and let some of the rainwater in, with the resulting electronic crazyness turning our watch into a time machine?
have item 'digital watch'.
a plastic davina mccall doll
peas - dried
I wonder if they sell time machines at the gift shop?
that Mr. Ben used to go into.
shows the way to the cave of Shiznay-Uber-Disco.
want to go to the cave then?
ps - i think we'll try and end the adventure at around 1,000 posts.
I wasn't listening.
so that she can explain what to do with the custard cushion we have. We're supposed to give her a sceptre but we broke it during one of the many, many battles we've gotten into. We have a map to Holly's place but the sceptre's broken. The only person who can fix the sceptre is dead. We probably need a time machine.
Drakyluya-Dingo-Dentro - there are no iKiosks.
search for time machine.
there is no time machine but there is a range of beautifully illustrated rulers depicting the creation of earth by God (aka a giant mallard).
if he knows where the nearest time machine is.
"Time machine?" he scratches his head "Doesn't doctor who live in cardiff? He's got one."
so you just teleport to Cardiff instead.
You are outside cardiff castle.
but are driven away by a vicious peacock.
ask neville and peter to talk man-on-man, well duck/parrot on peacock.
language" explain Peter and Neville "Why don't we go somewhere other than the castle?".
occasionally letting out the occasional whimper of, 'but it's so far away"!
pm her and ask her if she can tell you how to use a custard cushion?
it'd save a lot of fuss.
how well that would go down.
but us newcomers, and all that. (been here over a year...)
missed that trick eh!
her new album explains the mystery of the custard cushion.
to try and purchase said album.
and purchase the album on vinyl.
then you realise that the gamesmaster was having a little joke.
However you have supported one of the country's finest independent music retailers so you have a warm feeling inside.
you now have item 'holly golightly LP'
you'll note that you already have this item.
we can feed to the peacock?
on the peacock.