So earlier today I casually agreed to go on a run with three of my pals. We set off full of excitement, exchanging banter etc etc. The sky was blue, the air was fresh. "We'll go through the woods", they said. "It'll be good for you", they said

"It'll only take about an hour", they said...

I barely made it to the half way point. A combination of several stitches and an unprecedented build up of phlegm combined to conspire against me, and my progress was well and truly halted

Ever the kind soul, I insisted that my friends not wait for me on the way back as I didn't want to hold them back. This led to me getting lost in the woods and being heckled and briefly followed by three chav kids. Quite what they were up to in the woods is beyond me, but their appearance served to spur me on. The sun no longer seemed so bright, and every intake of breath became much more than a chore

Safe in the knowledge that I had escaped them, I stopped for a much needed piss. Satisfied with the sweet release, I shook and put the chap back in my pants. Turns out I hadn't finished entirely, and slightly urinated down my leg

What felt like days later, I emerged from the woods battered but not defeated. I was exhausted, belittled but, crucially, ALIVE

Exercise - no thanks