So I just got off the phone with my mate from school, Turk Ogusca (y'know, cause he was Turkish).
It all goes back to when we were at Church Mead Primary together. There was this kid, Aaron Harrison. Some other kids are making fun of him cause he had this strange facial condition - made him look like a rodent - calling him a faux-ass gopher punk. He got really angry about it and yells "You're just a bunch of blue bananas!”
The reaction wasn't good. They beat him up. I weren't there that time, but apparently he went inside to tell a teacher (I think Mr Flowers), who's all like: "What happened to you?".
"I called a bunch of guys blue bananas and they beat me up." Aaron said. "You called them blue bananas? That's very serious." Mr Flowers said. "I'm afraid I'll have to send you the headteacher.”
So the kid goes to the headteacher, Mrs Beatrin. “What are you doing here?' the she asks.
“I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell Mr Flowers and he sent me to you, and now I'm here.”
“You called them blue bananas? That's very serious.” Beatrin said.
“I'm afraid I have no choice but to exclude you until this matter can be referred to the board of governors.”
That’s basically the last time I saw Harrison. I thought it was weird to expel someone just for calling someone Blue Bananas, but the story just got weirder. So Harrison got home that night, and his dad is there.
“What are you doing back so early?' his dad asks. “I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the headteacher, and the headteacher sent me home, and now I'm here.'
His dad went apeshit: 'You called them blue bananas? That's fucking disgusting! Get the fuck outta my house!”
So like, Aaron must have been about 11 at this point and he just ends up sleeping rough outside the newsagent down the road from his house. About a few days after this, a policeman finds him lying in the doorway of the shop.
The cop asked him what he was doing there. Aaron told him the story: “I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the headteacher, and the headteacher sent me home. My dad kicked me out of the house, and now I'm here.”
The copper arrests him on the spot and a couple of months after that, Aaron was in kiddy court or whatever they call it, about to be sent down – apparently, his story had caused a bit of a stir. Turk said he was in front of the judge, she asked him to explain his behaviour and he was all like: “I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the headteacher, and the headteacher sent me home. My dad told me to sit outside, and a policeman came by and arrested me. And now I'm here.”
“It’s been made clear to me by the atrocious nature of your crime and your complete lack of any remorse that a custodial sentence is the only option available to me at this point.” The judge said after about 2 months of deliberation. Aaron got sentenced to 15 years – even got moved to some Category A prison when he turned 18.
Now apparently he just got released last week for good behaviour. He had a chance meeting with Turk’s girlfriend Crystal on the street. Crystal’s all like “No-one ever heard from you for years! Where have you been?”
So Aaron tells the story of his life: “I called a bunch of kids blue bananas and they beat me up. I went to tell my teacher and she sent me to the headteacher, and the headteacher expelled me. My dad had an aneurysm and kicked me out, and a pig came by and arrested me. It went to court and the judge sentenced me to 15 years in prison and now I'm here.”
Crystal couldn’t believe it and started laughing. She laughed so much that she staggered onto the street and got run over by an Evening Standard delivery van
I suppose the lesson we can all learn from Aaron Harrison’s story is that you should always look both ways before crossing the road.