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I need some help for something that excites me
the moment you felt when you hurt your toe at the age of 6...
something interesting that's going to happen in five years time
it's all about the here and now........ not the past, either
is all about the future these days.
the future is right now
then I suppose no-one wants to share it with me
dunno... three kids, who are naughty and age me apparently...
it's not French enough
i will drink my life away in champagne with a cork stuffed up my nose... and er... ummm... learn to cook cordon bleu stylee meals...?
(me thinketh not either)
Apocalyptic doom? World doom? The Olympic Stadium not being ready? Jim Davidson's inevitable death rattle?
written as Davidson, in the first person.
So I rock up to this gig right at Bridlington Spa theatre innit and I'm tellin this joke right and its about this really hairy man we're talkin CARPET hair right innit going out with this male dwarf innit, two gays together right... i wonder what it was like them avin sex? Watchin the video of it, catchin the dwarfs knob in the middle of all that hair pie must have been like findin a needle in a haystack HA HA HA innit... needle in a haystack... so I was tellin the hairy gay midget sex joke and what should appen but these two Yorkies get up out the row second from the front and come up to the stage and one of them's hairy and one of them's a midget and I thought FUCKSSAKE why didn't I tell them to leave the show like I did with them crips but before I can even FINK this the hairy one is on me and the midget is pummelling my head with his fists. them midgets, they have big fists, see I can still tell the jokes even when I'm bein beaten up, with the midgets, with the fists, them politickly correct brigade they'll never get me, its political correctness gone mad I tell you I mean why can't we just ave a joke, they shouldn't be so easily riled innit, and anyway OUCH the hairy man was aving a right go, callin me this and that and he got me in a headlock and squeezed his arm tighter and tighter and tighter and I was just there saying to myself 'pot as many balls as you can, pot as many balls as you can' to take my mind off it but there was this big John Virgo head that came into my brain and it was fucking scary. anyway this midget and this hairy man would not get off me and I pleaded with them I even offered them free tickets for my next show in Morecambe but they said 'we don't even fuckin live in Morecambe we live in Bridlington and why would we want to come and see your shit show anyway' and then the hairy man pinned my legs down while the short geezer kicked me in the nuts. But this is where it gets really bad you see cause who should come in but those fuckin crips I was talking about earlier the fuckin losers, chuck em all out of the show and they still come back to fuckin haunt you don't they? anyway they line up and come on stage when I'm bein held down by the midget and the hairy man, and then they all get into formation like the Red Arrows don't they, and there's all these wheelchairs lined up, and then they REVERSE OVER MY BODY DON'T THEY AGAIN AND AGAIN! I mean it was like fuckin Riverdance with these crips! they wouldn't leave me alone and I could feel the tyres goin right over my body, right over my body, and although the pain was crushing and the dwarf and the hairy man were still going at it like Yogi and fuckin Booboo kicking my sorry head in, i could feel so much... love for these poor crips, in their wheelchairs, haven't they had a horrible life, they're not so bad, oh please God, I'm sorry, take me now, what's all this pus in my throat, is it because I hate the dwarfs, is it because I hate the hairy gay men, oh no don't kill me God, I never got the recognition what I deserved for the Generation Game, I UGH... I UGH... I... FUCK YOU MICHAEL FUCKING BARRYMORE
note to self: don't have 2 red bulls if you've got work the following morning
get out of my thread socialite