This morning, before I left the house to go to work, I went to the toilet. No big deal there, you might think, people go to the toilet all the time, and I'm no different. Only this time, it was different.
For some reason, which I can't quite fathom, I had my house keys in my mouth. The fact I was actually wearing my coat at the time, which has pockets more than large enough to accomodate my keys, and that my keys had been in the pockets in the first place before I foolishly removed them, appeared irrelevant.
So, as I stood over the toilet bowl having a quick wee before I left the house, I started to hum. I never hum. Why did I choose this morning to hum for the first time? With my keys in my mouth? Over the toilet?
Who knows. All I know is that the inevitable happened, and the house keys hit the bottom of the toilet bowl with a resounding sploosh. As I was pissing. My first reaction, for some reason, was to re-direct the spray away from the toilet. The piss then hit pretty much everywhere around the bathroom as I struggled to work out exactly what was going on. I eventually managed to stop myself mid-flow, a move which is very difficult, especially when you're half asleep, still humming (only this time quite loudly, a sort of 'emergency alarm hum', if you will) and aren't entirely sure what's going on.
I was then faced with a) a piss-covered bathroom floor and b) my keys, winking at my seductively from a mixture of piss and toilet water.
I had to delve into the water to retrieve them. I could find no protective glove in the house, and I feared for flushing to remove the piss lest the keys floated further up the pipe. So I delved. It was only when I did the first delve that I realised that the sleeve of my coat was also submerged in the pissy water alongside my hand.
By this stage I had stopped humming. I was very nearly close to weeping. Following a severe washing and scrubbing session, the use of a cloth to remove the piss from the floor, and the changing of my coat to my frankly ludicrous Asda £30 green lump of a jacket, I managed to leave the house.
I've had very little sleep, an awful day at work and when I look at my hands I feel slightly disgusted and a little bit sick.
Happy new year. For fuck's sake.