first properly funny review from him for a while:
Dry As A Bone EP - Sub Pop 1986
Rating = 6
"The thing that sucks about gay people is that you want to be able to call them 'sissies' and 'faggotass faggots' and 'fairie whiffles' and shit but then you actually MEET one and he's this big muscular guy with a handlebar mustache all dressed in black leather. Who the hell makes up these incorrect stereotypes? If gay people were WUSSY, they'd be hilarious to make fun of! Unfortunately, they're gigantic and constantly kick my ass. As such, I've decided to concentrate on making fun of babies.
Ha ha! You drooling little asshole! Why don't you take a CRAP in your DIAPER, you stupid bald little piece a shit???
Having established my standing as a shocking Politically Incorrect liberal, please allow me to Jew you with a niggardly little review of the second Green River LP. It's 'women are inferior'-tastic!
Dry As A Bone? OBVIOUSLY!!!!
I should do that for every album I review. The Beatles' White Album? Then why's it making me BLUE????? Exile On Main St.? Yeah, because they THREW HIM OUT of England because of his SHITTY MUSIC!!!!!. This is heartbreaking, me making casual light of albums that mean so much to me. Please, I must cease post-haste lest my heart literally explode twixt my ribs.
If Godd says, "Hay, buy a Green River album or I'll see you in Hell, my friend," then buy this one. If nothing else, it contains the only two good songs they ever wrote -- the fun uptempo AC/DC-esque blues rock riffer "Unwind" and slow EVIL Billy Idol-style hard rocker "Baby Takes." One time I said something like that on another page and I got this angry email saying, "You do realize that what you're saying is just your OPINION and not actual fact, right???" That kicked ass. I don't even remember whether or not I responded because the question itself was just so perfect. "Wait a second. So what you're saying is -- just because a thought appears in my brain, that doesn't necessarily mean it's been scientifically proven? FUCK! What's the point of having a brain AT ALL if its conclusions aren't pumped in straight from the laboratory?!?!?"
Steve Turner is no longer in the band so that Mudhoney dirty lickin' around the edges is no longer present, but the songs actually flow logically this time, rather than just going part to part to part with no direction. As with the last record, there is a mid-range distorted guitar planted in each speaker, and they are more often than not playing bad '80s Dark, Evil hard rock licks. Is 'mid-range' even the right term? Who cares. What I mean is that it's neither super-trebly nor heavy/bassy, but smack dab in the middle of a situation overlooked by fools. (Tink!) That was for all you Ween fans out there - you know who you are!!!! (*winks at all the Ween fans out there*)
Two instantly noticeable changes do arise however and I'd be remiss not to point them out in such a review as that which I'm penning: (a) Mark Arm is using some dopey fake accent ('rest' becomes 'RAY-est!', 'driving' becomes 'DRAH-VAY-in'!') and letting his voice fade away into J. Mascis-like hoarseness in some of the tracks, and (b) the drums are ridiculously loud. He's a good drummer (enjoy all those rolls in "Ozzie"! It has lots of rolls!), but that's no reason to make his instrument the dominant sound in the mix, is it? I've asked around and the consensus is "Stop touching me."
This EP features five songs, and only one of them strikes me as completely awful (and that's mainly due to Mark's terrible vocals). Compare this good/bad ratio to that of their next EP and you'll see that it's quite an impressive little feat!
Heh heh. I used the term "impressive" in conjunction with "little feat." I assure you that's the first and last time THAT will ever happen!!!! Those guys SUCKED!!!!!
Thank you, that was my tribute to the late great Lowell George."