Boards

dressed impeccably in the latest topshop/man range who hold each other and don't know the words to any of the songs and leave before the end of the first set.

a couple of proper dad dancers last night.

Skinny bloke in his twenties with glasses who's shown up on his own. Stands near the edge and doesn't make much noise beyond polite applause. Only speaks to other people at the gig to ask what time Shellac are on.

who barge through tightly packed crowds

because they ABSOLUTELY love it and want everyone to know it.

nicht.

But show no emotion apart from clapping politely after every song.

For bands like Warpaint etc.

That lad who stands near the front yet gets really infuriated/reacts when someone gets pushed into him.

even if the band isn't metally at all. There's always a token metal couple.

i presume they're other places other than music venues that one can do this?

turn up just in front of you (when you're relatively near the front yourself) after a few songs, then spend most of the time talking to each other, taking pictures/videos of the gig (these will all look rubbish), send Tweets to say how amazing a time they're having, occasionally go "Woo!" and jump up and down a couple of times at "the hit", then finally leave just before the end to beat the rush.

OK, so I saw Hot Chip on Monday and I'm still mildly narked. :)

at the Liars gig on Wednesday who hollered and cheered every time the dry ice was let off during Haxan Cloak's incredible set.

the arseholes who turn up, unfazed, seemingly only there to look cool towards the start of the night yet get embarrassingly drunk as the night progresses. then have to leave before the end of the night and leave you overjoyed at the fact that you're not them.

i went to a hiphop show earlier this year and there were white girls in bindis with pastel coloured hair and ironic '90s boyband t-shirts taking up about four metres down the front because they were trying to bogle. that wasn't fun.

with girlfriends who you get stuck behind, and who are convinced you're going to grope or grind against said girlfriend, so continually eye all the males around him suspiciously.

It's not the same if you haven't had Big Jeff's hair in your mouth.

and paying £6 to get out of the rain, only to discover their new favourite band

who dance by swapping sides of the venue by way of gorilla-esque goose-stepping.

and are now looking increasingly terrified/confused.

In fairness, maybe I'm being sexist, it's sometimes wide-eyed American male students on their year abroad in Europe who do this as well.

a group of girls (typically 16 - 19 years old) make a dive threw the crowd about 2 songs in whilst holding each others hands. They push people out of the way in order to get a good spot but throw a strop if the chain is broken. Once in position they will dance over enthusiastically and will constantly talk/yell to each other and throw a strop if someone tells them to be quiet. These lady chains are closely related to the lady lines you find in the highstreet.

during 'their' song and then form a line with their arms around each others shoulders and sing the words and try to get the bands attention because they are the ones that the song is about/love it best/defines their lives/are total cunts.

venues like The Lexington or Barfly etc. Many of you guys may have well seen me.

huge 6 foot 4 scottish cousins lumbering around, completely wasted....at Radiohead in Manchester last week

If you are over 6 foot 4 and 16 stone plus then trying to dance at a packed gig is just inconvenient

Stands at the back reading a book before the band comes on. There's always one

your flash is only going to illuminate the people in front of you

I'm not remotely any of these people.

if you've got floppy hair, you're from iceland all your songs last longer than 12 minutes, you can sell out venues most indie bands work to headline for years, instantly.

weirdly even ratio of single men to single girls, alone at the gig. but they never talk.

huge amount of wool clothing and backpacks for an indoor setting that's likely exceeding temps of 80 degrees

circa 2002/3, people whooping like cowboys

none of this applies to mogwai gigs which seem to bring together every type of social reject currently known to man

there will always be one couple doing some interpretive/over the top dancing with each other

the ones which do it with tongues are particularly annoying.