more than a year passed since my last album, 111. The best I can describe all that time between then and now is simply “frustration”. It continues to linger, and you know what, I have no clue of what’s going on with me not only as an artist but as a person too. I am having a very hard time to fit into anything that’s going around me. I am pretty much lost and I am struggling to see past the mist.
During my little tour in north America, I kept questioning myself whether I am honest with my music. It seemed that all the great artists I played with, had much more soul, freedom and external support, much that I could never achieve of. I wondered why I can’t be as relaxed as they are. Why can’t I play as fluid, improvised and beautiful as them? Why it all seems easy on their side? On which side am I?
Further and further I drifted away from the confidence that I recently used proud. I decided to stop doing live shows, rest from music in general and to start learning fresh new things. For the next six months I lived in my own created dream where I was this ambitious video game designer. Well, as you see, that dream didn’t materialized even though I tried as hard as possible. I attempted to recruit other people into my new fantasy however, I am not sure if it’s due to the fact that I can’t pay people money or my own person and naivity, it didn’t really work out. My new, groundbreaking, musical game is only a few hundred lines of code as of now. Yes, I am impatient but this doesn’t mean that everything that I touch should have this weird “fail” aura around. I love to work on things long and hard. But I am starting to hate that feeling that I am alone, trying to push push but nothing significant ever happens. Same realizaton applies to my music.
“So what”, I hear Miles Davis trumpeting away. Yes, exactly, so what, that’s what I am thinking. All of this hacking and playing around has led me into a brick wall. I am looking at this wall and have no clue if I can climb it. Probably not. Can I break a hole in it by trying very very hard? People say yes, keep on doing it while I have no more energy left…
It’s a beautiful summer here, people are having good time with their friends, drinking beer at park. I just went through a couple of intensive weeks of making new music because I found a gram of inspiration and sort feel good about making another album. However this heavy feeling of having no place hits me hard again and here I am, writing all of this crap. I keep repeating to myself “who cares?” despite secretely hoping that there is someone who can help me, guide me, work with me. Someone who believes in my creativity.
Drunk, homeless guy comes and sits next to me on a bench I am sitting on right now. I hear the irony.
Anybody out there?