Talkers at gigs are included in at least one of the following categories: We describe the motivation for the members of each category to attend a gig, the particular difficulties that said members present to gig-goers, and offer some advice on changes of behaviour.
1) Couples on a date
It is not incorrect for a couple to have a date that includes attendance at a gig if they have a mutual interest in the music. Such dates are popular among young people; indeed, it is often the case that potential couples will meet for the first time at a gig. But, there is an intrinsic contradiction between attending a gig and having a date. The latter, particularly if the relationship is still nascent, not only tends toward conversation but, further, posits conversation as a necessity with the added characteristic that the quality of the conversation is irrelevant - it is the communication itself that is important. Therefore, the couples are compelled to pass comments to oneanother during a band's performance; to not do so could create slight concern for one party due to the almost always present mild paranoia that lurks at the start of a relationship involving young people.
ADVICE: Have a few dates that do not include gigs. When you are sure that the aforesaid mild paranoia is unlikely to be present, it is safe to attend a gig and remain quiet without fear of concern.
2) Friends meeting at the gig after some weeks of not seeing oneanother
It appears to be common for groups of friends, at least apparent friends at some gigs, to meet only at gigs and never elsewhere. Thus, weeks, or longer, may pass between social gatherings of these friends. The consequence is an assumed necessity to "catch up on news". This is a infuriating annoyance at gigs, embellished by the content of the conversations such as "What have you been up to?", "I went out. I drank some alcohol.", "Did you drink too much?" "Yes I did", followed by laughter. As can be seen, two facts scream out the same conclusion clearly: If these friends meet only at gigs, often separated by long periods of time, then doubts must exist regarding the strength of the friendship, and, if the conversation is at the most banal and impersonal level, then doubts must exist regarding the strength of the friendship. Thus, the "friendship" is merely mutual recognition of attendance at a gig and an opportunity to display one's taste in music - see 3), below.
ADVICE: If you are friends than have other types of socialising including visiting oneanother's homes. If such friendship does not exist then the banal smalltalk does not need to occur when bands are performing.
3) People who attend the gig to be cool
Sad, sad people. We must feel sorry for these people. They have no souls. After having read, for example, a music webzine, or after having listened to a good radio show, they assess which gigs are the cool gigs. This skill is their only skill related to appreciation of music. Prior to the gig, they make no attempt to discern whether or not the music will appeal to them because it is not important to them. More often than not, the music doesn't appeal - music taste is very particular, even for these sad, soulless people. However, unlike those who ignore the support bands by standing at the back, the people wishing to be cool will be at the front, hoping to appear on photos taken, and doing so so that they can tell their friends that they were at the front. Therefore, of course, the conversation in which they indulge, often due to boredom with the music, is heard by the fans near the front.
ADVICE: Fuck off.
4) Friends of the band or promoter
We understand that such people are a vital component of the initial audience at a band's gig at the start of their career, but the support that friends offer - increasing the numbers at gigs, adding to bar profits, and audible enthusiastic appreciation of the music - does not imply that they can behave differently from accepted standards of behaviour. Chatting during songs does not help the band; it lessens the enjoyment of gig-goers and implies that they are not that interested in the music thus creating an impression that the music is not very good. (Consider a scenario where someone helps a friend to get a job and then attends a seminar the friend is presenting to customers and talks throughout the seminar. Obviously, this would create the impression that the friend wasn't good at their job.)
ADVICE: Remember that attending the gig is the just the first step of support for your friend's band. Correct bahaviour at the gig is the next step.
5) Girlfriends and boyfriends of the band
There is a separate category for partners of band members because it is necessary to eject bile in their direction. Your partner's gig is not just a preamble to a shag, it is her or his job, part-time or full-time. She or he is working. The audience, who, unlike you, have paid to get in, want to enjoy the gig. Groups of band members' partners screaming nonsensically at oneanother is worthy of only excited chimpanzees. You are despised by gig-goers.
ADVICE: Pull up your knickers and leave.