Sometimes artists wedge size nines firmly into their own mouths before anyone can even so much as hear their records. Take Daniel Ash, best known for masterminding gothic overlords Bauhaus, for example.

“I love techno and electronica, and obviously I’m influenced by that music, but there’s other people...who can do it better than me.” Quite. So wouldn’t it have been a good idea to leave dance the fuck alone?

Oh no. Maybe instead produce an interminable, twanging, overlong, repetitive, inaccessible and frankly irredeemable apology for a solo album. Mr Ash isn’t done yet either. “I was concerned the record was going to sound like a little Chemical Brothers knock-off or something.” Christ, if only.

Second track ‘The Money Song’ is parallel to Peter Gabriel attempting to update his ancient smash ‘Sledgehammer’; ‘Mastermind’ is *U2* gone play-it-safe toss-dance.

‘Kid 2000’ meanwhile should inadvertently provide trouser-fiddling fodder for paedophiles everywhere as Ash’s nephew considers in spoken kiddie tones how the world will look come Y2K.

Add to this that ‘Spooky’ (originally by Classics IV and also covered by Dusty Springfield) is the least scary song ever to carry such a title – there are more frightening Teletubbies – and what you have is the kind of LP that gives solo projects a bad name. But let’s leave it to Daniel Ash, fittingly given his past, to hammer the last nail into this rancid coffin.

“I’m really hoping it’s going to be commercially successful. I don’t want to sell ten copies.” Wouldn’t commission that whisky bottle-shaped swimming pool quite yet.