A couple of days ago, I had a internet chat with Everything Everything. And when the idea was mooted, I was all a-smug at how marvellous it would be; because I well fancy myself at internet chats, and because it is the perfect widget for to do flirting. Surely an interview is an extended sort of flirt; a lovely ballet between two attention seekers, both of you en pointe. But it was also good because I don’t really want to meet or speak to Everything Everything - it might ruin how technicolour they are in my brain. This seemed a perfect compromise.

‘This is guaranteed to be millions of larks,’ I thought.

Which is why it was doubly strange, that an hour before my appointed slot, my nerves crept in. ‘Hello!’ they said, ‘We are here to make life interesting. And by ‘interesting’ we do of course mean ‘harder’. DO YOU LIKE IT HARDER?’

Do you know, they are not very nice. And rather aggressive slash sexual.

Anyhoo, this is what happened. It is exactly as it occurred, because I felt it dishonest to try to edit either my essential divvyness or EE's attempts to ‘interact’* with me. Do bear in mind that on occasion there is a slight delay between my questions (I use this word loosely) and EE's answers. But I’m sure you can figure it out. After all, what is the internet, if not an endless stream of people merrily misundercising each other? It would probably break if we all got along.

Heretis:

So there you have it. What lovely - and patient - chaps. Everything Everything's next single - Schoolin' - is out on Monday on Geffen. It is ace.

[** 'Interact with Everything Everything.' Mmn, yes please.]

Wendy is on Twitter, here