The strange characters encountered at your bog standard indie club.

THE POLYESTER MOD

He's usually kitted out in a black/blue/bright red Polyester jumper, no matter how bad the air conditioning is. The only things tolerated under the Polyester masterpiece are matching 60s shirts with outright scary floral patterns and triangular collars (in fact he should have a license for those, because you can have someone's eye out with a collar like that). He will consume large amounts of pints and wouldn't touch an Alcopop if you held him at knifepoint, because he likes to see himself as a bit of a lad. Hairdo-wise, the Polyester Mod is often spotted sporting a hairy creation that bears a scary resemblance with Rod Stewart's early days. Ouch. Alternatively, the Polyester Mod might as well do the moptop, a feat that's usually perfected by carefully sculptured sideburns sticking out in funny angles. The Polyester Mod will, if approached by the opposite sex, immediately ramble on about either 70s punk (the more sophisticated ones), The Kinks/Small Faces/The Who ('My Lambretta has 12 mirrors, darling...') or The Strokes (if you're really unlucky). However, his musical taste has little in common with the stuff he dances to: In fact, and after a few pints, the Polyester Mod will happily do the 'pint-and-fag-now-shuffle-back-and-forth-and-check-out-the-laydeez' boogie to any old shite.

THE UNFASHIONABLE STUDENT

One to watch out for. This unpleasant fellow will bingedrink and burp in your face. That's if you haven't managed to spot and avoided him in the first place. Here's how: The unfashionable student comes with a Polo shirt and dodgy 80s trainers. His hand is clutching a beverage of some sort or other. He usually has a longhaired male mate to keep him company. They probably met through the Computer society. Now this is all fine and dandy until the Unfashionable Student exceeded his alcohol limit. That's when he starts lusting after everything with a pulse. Talk about beer goggles.

THE METAL KID

Easily avoided. Just look out for the words 'alternative' and 'rock' on the flyer of your choice. The Metal Kid is on average 15 years of age and god knows how he got into the club in the first place. Still, now he's here and don't you dare stopping him, because he might strangle you with his wallet chain if you do. The Metal Kid likes to mosh, inflicting pain on the unsuspecting onlooker. Whoah! Isn't it nice to be kicked in the shins by a little person in a Blink 182 T-shirt? Fortuntely, The Metal Kid doesn't last too long when out clubbing. You'll find him being sick in the corner at around 1AM, and thank god for that.

THE DODGY OLD MAN

Leather jacket, golden necklace, chest wig, bad breath...enough now.