Dear Music Buying Public,
There now follows a short plea on behalf of all that is honest and pure about human nature.
Over the coming week, we, as the people who buy CDs and therefore (in theory) dictate the charts, have the opportunity of ensuring previous errors and oversights go corrected. How? By buying the Bob The Builder single Can We Fix It?
To the cynical eye, this is merely a novelty single - a revenue-generating stocking filler for little kiddies... with little more actual worth than, say, Doop by Doop or The Teletubbies song. In fact, it is actually the first, last and only line of defence against yet another group of talentless muppets taking the title of Christmas number 1.
The talentless muppets in question are Irish quintet Westlife. Founded on the usual boyband principles - group of young guys who can sort of hold a tune whilst pouting at cameras, they've eschewed the usual traits such as good looks, personalities and the like and instead opted for arrogance, bigheadedness and what appears to be the impression that their chart success is deserved in some way.
Now, anyone remember Take That? Yes, the group which spawned super-ego Robbie Williams. Cast aside your cynical, narrow-minded take on the pop world for a second. They were all reasonably good looking, Gary Barlow could write good tunes considering his target audience and you knew all their names and personalities. The same is also true of the Spice Girls, although that was more by marketing than nature.
I know the names of two Westlife members, and I can't put them to any of the 5 faces - all of which aren't exactly pin-up material. Unless your posters are taken from Lemon Sucking Bulldogs Monthly. Although I could be wrong, maybe that's where I'm going wrong with the girls (feel free to take a baseball bat to my face to aid my plight). Also, everything they've released seems to be a cover... or remarkably similar to songs I've heard before... but they're all sad bit / uplifting bit bland-o-pop. Written by svengalis or such like.
Bob The Builder is a children's TV program - harmless, entertaining and fun... the sort of thing kids watch. In fact, it's also Postman Pat good, not many kids' shows these days are. Still, Westlife, being the "we're doing this to make music that touches people" kinda guys they are [sic], are worried that Bob The Builder will stay at number 1 for Christmas, thus ending their long run of 1s.
Which is fair enough you think. But resorting to wearing "Bob The Wanker" t-shirts is a bit childish, and when coupled with their cold, business-minded tone when talking about not wanting to lose the Christmas number 1 to a kids' TV star you can't help but think that they're not quite the chirpy, friendly, fun and laughter pop band we're used to.
This is not a question of rock vs. pop. This is a question of trying to claw back something of the meaning of Christmas. Sure, BBC Worldwide are going to profit from the Bob The Builder single... but he won't be regularly blotting the charts in years to come.
And so I urge you - piss on Westlife's fire and make sure everyone has a copy of Bob The Builder this Christmas. Even if you have to buy it for them. You know it makes sense.
Love Dale xXx