The Offspring conspiracy is, after endless months of late nights finally unearthed. I, though probably putting my life on the line by doing so, hereby decree that the Offspring's songs are tailor made for MTV - Oh my god, shock horror. I think their songs are a bit samey - _get back in the knife drawer.

The Offspring really are just too old - and Free Nelson Mandela while your at it . The Offspring really are a bit rubbish - and apparently it's gonna rain alot and some guy called Noah is taking things onto an ark two by two. In fact Noah ought to strap on his guitar, immerse himself in the Godspeed back catalogue and give us a nice post-rock "concept" album. Anything to save us from this and I mean anything!

You see, value for money is an overrated concept. Every record shop in Britain currently have a special offer that runs thus : Whenever you buy any album by Blink 182, The Vandals, Less than Jake, Greenday, Offspring or the Mighty Mighty Bosstones you get - for free - every other album recorded by all of the other artists. Well, maybe not but you might as well. So lacking in variation is the sound. Throw in the odd brass section here and there and call it ska but it's still true to it's U.S punk roots and that means bad. Really, really bad.

'Conspiracy of One' gives you everything you'd expect and nothing more. Three powerchords and churlish, sluggish cliched lead guitar parts. In fact, if you've got the big shorts, spikey hair and a skateboard you probably think this "rocks" or it "kicks-ass!"

On the opening track 'Come out Swinging' they show their utterly confounding inadequacy at being unirriating and doing something that NOFX weren't doing when they were merely a twinkle in Jello Biafra's eye. They want so badly to be the Dead Kennedy's and in spite of their shocking lack of ambition, they fail to come remotely close to their objectives.

One can be assured that this album will blow charts open worldwide and rip-rock a new asshole but one also assumes, more wishes, that those who retain their loyalty to this generic, formularic, hit-single-by-numbers genre, would invest their cash in artists who challenge the musical status quo rather than this.

Were the Offspring any more middle of the road they'd be merely a selection of white lines. This album is so lacking in excitement and passion it makes Coldplay look and sound like the Moscow State Circus on an absinthe bender. Zack De La Rocha's voice could start a riot but Dexter Holland's doesn't have the passion to start a rational discussion. Book them for your school discos now. This whole affair is very major label, coffee table. It's all a bit Buffy the Vampie Slayer. Shoved into the niche along with Limp Bizkit, Queens of the Stone Age, Slipnkot and Korn and market it at the "trendies" who are trying to be "alternative" , to use the language of the elitist social rejects. To put it in language you'll understand , this "sucks". As Dexter Holland sings on recent single "Original Prankster" : "You know it smells like shit !!"

Too right Dexter , too f*ing right.