So, you're sitting behind me on the train, reading the paper. Fair enough. You have no headphones in to annoy me, unlike the gangsta tosspot further up the carriage who thinks we all need to hear Boyz II Men or whatever, and you aren't doing anything annoying.

Until you fucking SNEEZE on the BACK OF MY HEAD. Why would you do that? What possible problems could you present with even a re-direction of your head across the carriage, where the seats are empty. Admittedly, this is still unhygienic, but at least your rancid spray and snot combo hasn't thwacked the back of my immaculately coiffured head.

You bastard.

Also, what the fuck is a 'sneeze'? Seriously, why do these happen? Many thanks. I'm off for a shower.