>>Chuck Norris, it turns out, is an extraordinary human being:
>>
>> >Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
>> >
>> >When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is
>>gay, but
>> >because he has run out of women.
>> >
>> >Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but
>>Chuck
>> >Norris can kill him and take it.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
>>broke
>>
>> >the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
>>while
>> >she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris doesn't read books.
He stares them down until he
>>gets the
>> >information he wants.
>> >
>> >If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two
>>seconds
>> >till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks
>>you in
>>
>> >the face.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
>> >
>> >Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
>>instead
>> >decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
>>thereafter
>> >he grew a beard.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but
>>was
>> >removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
>> >roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
>>"That's
>>
>> >no glitch."
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
>> >
>> >Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick
>>related
>> >deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>>and
>> >unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction
>>was
>> >finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took
>>his
>> >soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad
>>and
>> >admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
>> >second Wednesday of the
month.
>> >
>> >Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris
>>brought a
>> >stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard
>>rub.
>> >Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
>> >gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
>>neck,
>>
>> >to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
>>Chuck, he
>> >taketh away.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a
>>woodchuck
>> >could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted,
>>"HOW DARE
>>
>> >YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her
>>throat.
>> >Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed,
>>"Don't
>> >**** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the
>>irony
>>of
>> >this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred
>>mile
>> >radius of the blast went deaf.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
>>the JFK
>>
>> >assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
>>his
>> >beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
>>amazement.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like
>>Chuck
>> >Norris
>> >
>> >Chuck
Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
>>gift of
>> >"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
>>Wisemen,
>> >jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined
>> >influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all
>>three
>>
>> >died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
>> >
>> >To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
>> >smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7
>> >different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by
>>flexing for
>>
>> >30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
>> >
>> >There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck
>>Norris.
>>
>
>> >Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
>>pleasure.
>> >
>> >There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only
>>another
>> >fist.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a
>>high
>> >school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded
>>the
>> >referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
>>Chuck
>>
>> >roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and
>>then
>> >proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
>> >
>> >The original theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck
>> >Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
>>disguise," and
>> >starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth
>>from
>> >drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was
>>far
>> >too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
>> >
>> >The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>> >trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>> >
>> >When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
>> >cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He
>>also
>> >requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo

>>meat
>> >on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
>> >
>> >It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
>> >pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to
>>lure more
>>
>> >pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
>> >
>> >Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
>> >beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
>> >
>> >And lastly, When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one
>>Thanksgiving,
>>
>> >Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his
>>backyard.
>>He
>> >came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole,
>>and when
>>he
>> >threw it
up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with
>>cranberry
>> >sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a
>>roundhouse
>> >kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." .
>> >
>> >And we never will. Laters.