I'm watching some videos to teach you techniques with drums and guitars. I think most of us 'musicians' have at one point or another picked up one of these instructional vids.

Clearly there are some rules that must be followed:

1) THE MULLETT: It is impossible to make one of these videos without a mullett. The audience must be concentrating hard and there's no better way to force them do so than with a truly ridiculous coiffure, one that forces them to think hard to avoid collapsing in gales of laughter.

2) OVERLY SERIOUS: By night you're a rock star, you get drunk, swear a lot, moon kids and engage in extensive tour bus bukakke sessions, but now you have to teach people. You didn't like school but the one thing you remember is how goddamn serious those teachers were. People have paid you money to do this so you better be FUCKING SERIOUS, man. Don't you dare look relaxed or anything.

3) MUSIC UNLIKE NOTHING ON EARTH: So that the viewer can concentrate on the instrument you're playing any other orchestration you play against should be as naff as possible. This will mean slap-bass like Seinfeld would have died for, drum machines so mechanically bland the Pet Shop Boys would get bored by them and guitar so cheesily LA RAWK Santana would start reaching for Shellac records. If at any point it sounds like the sort of thing a band would try to play you've failed.

4) GROOVE: The word 'groove' must be used as often and as inappropriately as possible.

5) FAKE ANALOGIES: You're a 'teacher' now and it's time to sound like you know what you're doing. Loosely connected to point '2' above, this involves inventing analogies and names for things off the top of your head that you've never used before. E.g. "I like to do what I call 'putting it under the music microscope'" No you don't. Clearly you've never even thought that, let alone spoken it out loud.

6) VAGUE USE OF A TINY VOCABULARY: Only a use a few words, make sure they aren't particularly specific and, if possible, make sure you don't fully understand them ('dynamic' is a winner here). Also use the same word three or more times in a sentence if possible, e.g. "It should be sorta loose and, you know, kinda loose, I guess, yeah, loose pretty much describes it, more or less".

7) INVOKE TECHNIQUES THAT SOUND LIKE YOU THINK YOU'RE A SENSEI IN SOME KUNG FU MOVIE: Think http://www.stevensegal.com - we're talking major, major mystic bullshit. Phrases like "you should try to hear yourself when you play as if you're hearing yourself on a cassette" or "kind of sing the groove (c.f. point '4' above) to yourself"

8) WANKY SELF-INDULGENT INTRO: This is actually one of the most important points, but it is best only approached when you've nailed the other points above. By that time you'll be so totally convinced that you utterly great that you'll be able to carry off an opening intro of between 3 and 10 minutes in length where you simply show off and bait the viewer into reaching for the fast forward option against their fear that they'll miss something worthwhile.

GOD YES I AM FUCKING BORED! :-(