Gaspar Noé’s controversial 3D sex drama premiered yesterday in Cannes.
Peter Bradshaw said that is "vanilla heterosexual sex, in girl-boy and girl-girl-boy permutations (you sure can tell a straight guy made this movie) with a conscientious emphasis on condoms."
"The 3D means at one stage we basically get a squelching of sperm swooshing out of the screen straight at the audience, as well as what can only be described as a nightmare penis-slit shot, rhythmically chugging in and out at us through a hideous tunnel of purple flesh big enough for Eurostar. And it often looks like the audience is going to need to duck when the male lead and his hefty phallus turns around, like Eric Sykes and his ladder. There are times when it looks like a Cinema Paradiso-type money-shot highlight showreel."
http://www.theguardian.com/film/2015/may/21/love-review-gaspar-noes-3d-porno-is-fifty-shades-of-vanilla
"Masturpiece"? :D