Found bird shit all over the back of my trainers. These trainers were left approx. 1m from a large open window. I had not worn these trainers for several days.

I have found no traces of excrement on any of my socks or trousers. There is a small trace of turd on the carpet where the trainers were, although it is possible this dripped off the shoes onto the carpet.

I am convinced I moved the trainers to this position after having taken them off (in order to avoid spilling tea on them) and that it would be impossible for me to have removed these trainers without getting the vile greeny-white filth all over my fingers. Therefore the only conclusion I can reach is that A SEAGULL SHAT THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW ONTO MY FUCKING SHOES.

This has been met with derision. She maintains that it would be impossible for a seagull to "fly inside the house, shit on your shoes, and fly out again". I posit that the momentum gained by a flying gull would be sufficient to propel the shite through the window and onto my kreps.

Who is right? Are there any other possibilities? Happy to answer any questions in order to get to the bottom of this x